I see the board is again kind of down, so I want to present a balanced view, but I do need to get this out.<P>1st for any who don't know, we are in "recovery", though I come to this section more.<P>Wow, I feel like I'm dealing with sooo many things inside. I had a tough weekend, did I just stumble over more triggers or was I more "sensitive" to them? I think it was the former.<P>Let's see - not necessarily in order:<P>He came back from a trip Thursday, I felt distant, but we had a very good talk and felt we were "close" again. We talked about the future, how we could make our dreams come true. But then I kept stumbling over my emotions! Had to tell him it wasn't anything he was doing wrong! And it was weird because I HAVE forgiven him and seen the pain recede.<P>So what is going on? I think there comes a time after all the Plan A to meet HIS needs to look at myself again. Plan A is working, but I start feeling the incredible pressure (worse, now it is self induced).<P>It triggered me this weekend when I was at the waterslide with all these moms with little kids. I told him since he loved to look around, look around here, he'd be hard pressed to find one who held a candle to me, but I don't want to compete with 18 year olds after bearing him two kids. I'm in good shape, but I can't look 18 again!<P>He's not asking me too, it's just left over from the affair and subsequent oogling of young girls. I want to feel good about myself again! <P>Anyway, I've been probably doing a bit too much thinking lately, 'cause my emotions kept getting triggered. The good thing is I have learned to stay off the wrong track, and can recover quickly.<P>I'm leaving out many others as I know I'm too long...<P>But yesterday we were at a friend's place with a group of people. We were sitting around a table. One guy was doing a presentation about opera - types of singing, etc.<P>As an example he showed one with subtitles (sorry, can't remember the name). The guy in the story had just found out about his w and her lover. The song was about how he had to put on his clown costume, slap a smile on his face, and get out there since his audience was waiting! Ouch! Tears came to my eyes, but I hid them from the group.<P>For a long time I focused on my h, helping him, now I feel I need help. Yet life keeps spinning at the usual pace.<P>And I don't feel like I belong anywhere! I get along fine (but not close) to my FIL,MIL,SIL (who spend many weekends over here). But I am not part of their world. Huge culture gap. I see my folks about once/year, just tell them everything is great when they ask.<P>You guys are the only ones who have been there through this ordeal. I couldn't even tell anyone over here. But I don't feel like I belong here either. I can move between the various groups here, but don't feel like I'm in a "group".<P>I promised some balance, I know...The good part of all this is that my h and I are TALKING about all these things. He brought up the sheer # of triggers and wanted to know what was going on with me, was I ok?? It is sooo good when he worries about ME, didn't think I'd see that when he was in the fog. And that we are a TEAM again. And we are living the fact that people can change and grow.<P>No wonder I feel so tired, and I haven't told you even half of this weekend!<P><P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Hi Cindy,<BR> Wanted to let you know someone else knows exactly how you are feeling.Seems to be a lot of this going around with us "recovery" folk.It's ok,we know it is just part of the process.I think we are starting to realize we need to talk about this for a lot longer than we had hoped.Not many people can understand why that is, except for the ones who have been there. <P>Hang in there. Just think of how much better things are now! Prayers to you!

Hi Cindy,<P>Sorry your weekend was not that great. <P>(((((((((((((((((Cindy)))))))))))))<P>I understand exactly how you feel. I have felt the same on many occations. This process is hard and so not fair on many levels.<P>Hey if you ever want to talk email me at onni54@hotmail.com.

Yup...been there...done that...got the T-shirt.<P>Actually I am further along the road and still feel like you do, just not as acute, nor probably as often. Although the dark days are pretty dark.<P>No one besides MB knows about the affair, so sometimes I feel I am living a double life. Internal pain and growth that are as real as real can be, but hidden from the real world.<P>Since my life was always such an open book, this is a excruitiating way to live.<P>But that's the way it is...so we go on along this journey...hoping the worst is behind and blessings are ahead.

<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Schizzo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited June 26, 2000).]

Been there too, so don't feel like the Lone Ranger!<P>Sounds like there is enough of us to start a club and get MATCHING tshirts!!<P>Peppermint

((((((((Cindy)))))))))<P>Of course you're tired. You've been through some tough times and it sounds like your weekend was quite draining. But the important thing is you've been THROUGH it. You're emerging on the other side, not quite trusting that you're there. And since you've spent SO much time in "disaster mode", dealing with the crisis of the situation, the time has come that you need a little pampering as well. It's good that your H is showing that he cares. He noticed that there were a lot of triggers for you and he was thinking about how you felt. That's a BIG improvement over what things were like a few months ago, isn't it?<P>I'd like to thank you for your words of encouragement, showing that recovery can happen. It does give hope to those of us who still have doubts. And the fact that you are human and need some attention now and then does nothing to take away from that.<P>I know about not feeling like you belong. I have felt that way most of my life. But you know, MB is someplace that has a lot of people who feel the same way you do. So you are not alone. Each of our stories has something unique about it, but what it all comes down to is that we are all here trying to improve our marriages. And you are doing a really good job with yours. I would say that you belong. I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here, but I'm glad you are here. You have made great strides in your own marriage and helped a bunch of us along the way. I guess I just want to say thanks.<BR>

mthrrhbard - I copied down your name, trying to get it right! I've actually stayed when things were getting better in the hope of helping someone. God knows where I would without help! But I do think we need to keep talking.<P>Pahakissa1, FHL, peppermint - I'm a bit confused when you say you've been there too. Which part of my long ramble are you referring to???<P>I reread it and realized it did sound like a disconnectedness from people around me. But there were so many things going on at once.<P>TS can attest from another thread that I'm a bit sensitive when people say they've been there, I want to know in what way?<P>FHL - we can all help each other, but our struggles are also different. My h had a lot of sex with two good-looking women, the 2nd very young. Then he had trouble controlling his looks at young women. I'm a very good-looking 38 year old, but the pressure of competing with every 18 year old he sees has finally caught up to me. (Right when he has taken some serious steps to stop it).<P>I was already in great shape, but I have bought a new wardrobe and work hard to "look" good. I want to relax, and be happy with myself.<P>TruthSeeker - I kinda gave up on "trying to show you recovery can happen". Next I read you jumped off the fence. I think it's great!<P>I'm also happy my words may have done some good after all. I often wonder if I can do any good helping those who are further back in the tunnel.<P>My h has been more aware of my feelings, even said he wanted to understand how I think. That was a new one! I've always felt that I didn't think as far as he was concerned.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Hi, Honey - I've been out of touch w/ the board for a while.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{cindy}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>The ups and downs are killer, but you KNOW you're doing a great job!<P>Luv ya!<P>Lori

wassi, thanks for the hug.<P>No one took up my challenge of how exactly they got the t-shirt.<P>I'm realizing it is hard work, and I rightly feel tired. At the same time, I am breaking new ground personally and in my marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Sorry I wasn't specific enough for you. Just meant I've had the same feelings you expressed in your title.<P>You were serious about being a bit sensitive, weren't you?<P>Peppermint

Peppermint - yes, I was serious, but I didn't mean to bark back.<P>I guess at the beginning when there was some common "pain" it helped to hear others have been there.<P>I guess now I was hoping for anyone who is further along to explain what is going on. I think I have worked hard for my marriage and to learn all I can about myself and marriage.<P>We have reached a sort of plateau. Doing a pretty good job living by all the Harley rules.<P>But we are going through new roads. The map ended when we implemented the last Harley principle. We are slowly finding each other. Maybe this trip I'm going on is the best thing for me. I need a break from so much thinking!<P>I was really wondering if there is a group of us that are well into recovery. There is a divorced sub-group, an OC one, and recently I found one for WS that are having a hard time recommitting.<P>Why do I feel more at home with them?? Maybe because I've moved past the hurt and am looking for the in-love feelings myself as they are?? So many of the other BS have not moved past the pain/anger to tacle these other issues I'm dealing with.<P>I guess you and Lostva, FHL and anyone else who's there should form our own. Again I apologize for being overly sensitive.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Did you all see my apology?<P>I don't do it often.