I've been lurking for a few months now on this board and have seen so many encouraging stories, that I decided it was time to share mine. Hopefully it will end up as positive as some of the others!<P>D-Day of H's EA and PA was April 2 of this year. I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with our 3rd child. Our marriage hasn't been great for quite some time (married at 18 when 6 months pregnant), but I never imagined he was having an affair. I knew something wasn't right, but just wasn't sure what it was. I really thought it was pregnancy hormones working overtime! <P>At discovery, the EA had been going on about 3 months, and had become physical about 2 weeks before. I had been gone for the weekend, and he was ignorant enough to bring her into our home for a weekend of fun. Thought I wouldn't figure it out?? Maybe she should have cleaned her hair out of the shower a little better! I've got short blonde hair and OW has long black hair, so it was pretty obvious it wasn't mine!<P>Since discovery, H has been back and forth about what he wants---to stay or leave. We had decided initially that he wouldn't leave until after the baby was born (which was May 14, Mother's Day), and we'd have to reassess at that point. Of course, he was expecting me to change all of my faults in that time period without really putting any effort into it himself. H of course blamed me for not changing, but was still vascillated continually. On June 22, our 9th anniversary, he left to move in with OW. It was honestly the most devastating day of my life. <P>As of Monday, I've had communication with him a couple of times a day, but they were not real encouraging. We still seemed to argue and go around in circles. Email seemed to work better and in a message I asked if he would consider moving back home this weekend, and he said that he would consider it, but wouldn't consider breaking it off with OW until end of July. H is supervisor of OW at work, and has mentioned that he can't break it off with her until after he has a new job because he's afraid of what she might do. So......am I doing the right thing by letting him move back in without cutting off relationship with OW for at least another month? What if he changes his mind and never cuts it off with her and just wants to be at home so he can be with the kids for awhile longer (we have 3)? I think one reason that he's so quick to move back home is that he realized pretty quickly that things weren't quite so rosy on the other side of the fence. We have large home in suburbs, OW lives in studio apartment in city---quite a lifestyle change!<P>One of the other problems in our marriage has been my weight, which is also another stipulation of him breaking it off with her. I have about 10 more pounds to lose in the next month in order for him to consider it. Sounds superficial, but the underlying reasons are somewhat justified. I, too, lost tremendous amounts of weight on the "Infidelity Diet"--55 pounds in 6 weeks!<P>One big difficulty that I've had is effectively Plan A'ing while he's got OW on the side. It is so hard to try to meet needs when he's getting it from someone else that he'd rather be with than me! I tend to obsess about it all day long and as our counselor phrased it, verbally vomit on him the minute he walked in the door every night. I really need help in this area! One thing that has seemed to help is my dr put me on Paxil about 5 weeks ago and it seems to be starting to help with the obsessive tendencies. I just hope they don't return when he comes back home tomorrow.<P>I know that there are so many things that I need to change for myself, but it is so hard to convince myself that they're for me, when I want so badly to regain my marriage. I have regained the control of my life that he had over me from D-day until June 5 when I began talking about decisions that I needed to make for myself and the kids, but I am just so sad that they may not include him. He is so mixed up and one minute wants to leave and be with OW, and the next wants to stay and work on our marriage and be with the kids and I. I can hardly stand the back and forthness of the situation and am really struggling with it! How have all of you done it?? HELP, and pray that things go well on his move back home!!!<P>

NSR will undoubtedly be here with his welcome post, but I just wanted to make a comment about Plan A.<P>In Plan A, you meet whatever of his needs HE WILL LET YOU. He may not let you meet any of them. Plan A is more about eliminating the lovebusters (the "verbal vomiting", as you so picturesquely put it ).<P>Recite this to yourself as an affirmation: <P>"I cannot change what he does...I can only change what I do."<P>I'm hoping that Lori (lostva) will chime in here, because she's our World Champion Plan A-er.<P>Lori?<P>

Hurtinginil<P>If you have been lurking for a while you kind of already know what most are going to say. I would like to make two points that I keep in mind that help me do a good Plan A and not Lb.<P>1) In order to keep from Lbing, I remember that I have a goal. That is a simple goal. It's to have my W and I together again and moving forward with our marriage to something much better than what it was. <P>In order to accomplish this goal I try to do a good Plan A (and that is difficult when she is out of the home) and I try to keep from Lbing. In order to do the latter, I prepare before I have a meeting and phone conversation with her.. I try to figure out as much as possible before time what we are going to talk about and I try to control the conversation as much as possible to keep it from going down the tubes. <P>This is not easy and many time I have to take middle of the ground opinions. I say things like I know how hard this is for you and its hard for me and our daughter but we won't solve it by arguing. In others words I try not to become so polar that she can argue with me. I try not to take the opposite side of her. That is a setup for an argument. I'm not going to change her mind in an argument. I'm probable not going to change her mind at all. Time is what I need and she will change her own mind if you are doing a good Plan A. Remember that 95% of all affairs die. Some just take longer than others. Let time take its course and position yourself well with a good Plan A when he finally wakes up from the fog.<P>2) Plan A is something that is very necessary for you and your H to get back together. But more importantly Plan A is for you. One thing that is common to all of us is that something was wrong or lacking in our marriage that allow our spouse to become vulnerable enough (lose love units from us) to have an A. Plan A allows us to look at what went wrong, what needs you stopped meeting. Once you identified those needs then you are able to work on them. Chances are those will be similar needs in another relationship if, God forbid, this one does not work out. This was my problem. I did not meet her needs and until I found MB I did not know what they were. <P>I know what they are now and its funny the OM is the one I took lessons from to figure it out. He does not know it, but I looked at what he was doing and found out that I quit doing those things a number of years ago which lead me to this mess. She obviously had something to do with it also but we will work on those when we are together again. Plan A becomes very important because you learn to do these things again and in my case I enjoy doing them. It makes me feel good and I look past the part about not getting anything in return because one, I don't expect it from her right now and two, it keeps me on track with my goal.<P>I don't know if I have explained it well, but I hope you might get a little something from this. I don't mean to give you the idea that it is easy, it's not, but having a focus point as to where I want to go and devising a pro-active way of getting there helps a lot.<P>By the way I am also in Il at the south end of the sate.<P>Love and Prayers for You and Your Family!!<P>J W<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hurtinginil:<BR><B>He is so mixed up and one minute wants to leave and be with OW, and the next wants to stay and work on our marriage and be with the kids and I. I can hardly stand the back and forthness of the situation and am really struggling with it! How have all of you done it?? HELP, and pray that things go well on his move back home!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Welcome, HN! You have come to the right place.<P>If nothing else, you can feel an immediate kinship with all the other people here with "hurting" in their names <P>June 22 and wants to move back already, huh? That honeymoon didn't last long. Good!<P>I suppose most people here would advise you to take him back in and work on Plan A. <P>Personally, I could not imagine having an effective Plan A living with a S still having an active affair. I can picture myself being, looking, and acting miserable. And I would be worried about the effect on my children.<P>If you hadn't describe your suspicions that he is unhappy living with the OW, I might not say to consider this other route. But, maybe you say "I want you home, but I can't live with you and work on our marriage until you break it off with the OW." Then, maybe, you can still muster your good Plan A behavior for the less frequent contact.<P>I think there is a good chance that he'll find a way to accelaerate his exit from the A. And that is the only real path to recovering your marriage.<P>Just a different opinion. You'll do what is right in your heart.<P>And congratulations on the weight! <P>Mike<BR>

Thanks for the feedback so far! It's most helpful.<P>Mike---I tried telling him that I wouldn't allow him back without cutting off the affair and he replied by saying that I'd made the decision and he'd pick up the papers and file for divorce the next day. At that point, I had to decide whether or not I could live with myself knowing that I MAY have blown the last chance for regaining our marriage. It may or may not have been the last chance, but I couldn't risk that. At this point, I don't feel that I've done all that I can. Basically, he wants either OW or me to do something to make a decision for him, as he can't seem to do it himself. Funny that the honeymoon only lasted a week, though!! I still chuckle to myself on that one....<P>Our counselor really does believe that there is something else going on that he can't break it off with her until he's not working with her, too. Maybe she threatened him?? Who knows....<P>Thanks for the congrats on the weight---as a friend said, just makes me more marketable if he decides that OW is everything he wants in life and ends up leaving. It has made me feel so much better about myself, I guess if he leaves, I'll have to thank him for the one positive that he caused by his affair, right?

I have to agree with Mike about having H back home while the A is still active. He's got to make some solid choices about what he wants.<P>I give you a lot of credit for hanging in there. Our situations have some commanalities. I am expecting baby #3 and have the kids to think of in reconciling the marriage. I kicked my H out upon discovery of the A. I didn't allow him to move back in until he agreed to several other things-like no contact ever again, seeing a priest, being patient w/ children -- basically a commitment to repairing the damage. Fortunately he's done so, gladly.<P>I also agree that it may create a bad environment for the kids if he's still engaged in the A. That tension is thick. Kids feel the anger and respond to it. <P>Believe it or not, my H and I have not had a harsh word between us for the past 2 mos. that we are in recovery. And let me tell you, there were a LOT of harsh words, yelling etc. that was done prior to reconcilation. <P>I see the difference in my kids behavior and attitude since we've committed to making things work. <P>Thank goodness your H is expressing an interest in returning to you and the kids. Try to be clear and patient in expressing your expectations of him. I know how easy it is to just explode. <P>Sounds like you're a strong woman for surviving such a horrible situation while bringing a new baby into this world. Stay focused and calm and hopefully he'll see through the fog. It takes time to realize what a great mistake extra marital affairs really are. <P>Good luck and hang in there!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Mike---I tried telling him that I wouldn't allow him back without cutting off the affair and he replied by saying that I'd made the decision and he'd pick up the papers and file for divorce the next day. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is an interresting and rather irrational position by him. Why wouldn't he just say okay, and wait another month until he is clear of her and you two can get back together? Why the play the Big D card?<P>Has he always played this sort of hardball in your marriage?<P>It makes me think he is sort of desperate to get home.<P>Well, just think about what you are getting yourself into. You may wind up looking like Kate Moss when July is over It sounds like an inner circle of hell to me, sharing a bedmate with another woman. think about what you need from him to get through it. Do you want to know when and where he is with her? Has he given you a firm date of a breakoff?<P><BR>

Yes, it is irrational and interesting. I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not, but he was supposed to have called the night before this conversation at 8:30, and finally called at 9:45 saying that he was really sorry, but he couldn't talk. He wanted to call the next morning. He sounded really upset, so I said that was fine. No LB'ing that night! When he called the next morning, he asked if I would let him move home this weekend, and when I said I wasn't sure if he wouldn't stop the A, he flipped with the D-threat. That's when I rethought my position. He said it was my last chance, and if I didn't want to take it, then it was over. I really feel as though I need to take advantage of it, hard and wrong as it may be, or I'll never forgive myself.<P>He's never been this way before, which also leads me to believe that OW is also caving under the pressure of the possibility of him moving back home. I sure hope I'm right and all is not well on the other side of the fence! I'll find out tomorrow night.....<P>When I asked him about details of when he'd break it off, he was very evasive (surprise, surprise), so I decided not to push it until later. Maybe after he's been home a few days and things have settled down with the kids, etc. I will say that I'll only put up with it for a limited amount of time, and he'll know when that is!<P>Actually I kind of look at it as he's spending far less time with her when he's living here rather than with her, and at least I've got that to my advantage again! Will I want to know when he's with her---I can tell in a heartbeat when he has, so no need to usually ask.....