Hi guys,<P>I emailed my counselor and asked her to read H's email. Her advice is below. What do you guys think??? Help....<P>Jo<P>Counselor's email:<BR>*****************************************<P>Dear Joanne,<P>Sorry -- not sure what I would recommend. He sounds sincere and pathetic in the same moment, troubled and trying as well. My heart says you write him back, "thank you for your email. I appreciate the effort you have made to establish a meaningful contact with me. I am (or am not) prepared to reciprocate at this time. For you to miss me, talk to me absent is tragic but affords me no comfort. I long only to be your wife and not TOW to a <BR>mistress who is abusive to me on top of all else. Please do not contact me again until (if) you are prepared to begin a journey toward establishing a genuine marital commitment with me. You might consider seeing Ellie for a "final" meeting if you are not intending to pursue a genuine marital <BR>commitment because there is little point in you punishing me with your presence unless you intend that commitment.<P>Those are the kinds of words that come to my mind. Perhaps they will help. <P>

The counselor's letter sounds like a shortened version of a Plan B letter. I don't really have any advice, but I do understand the conflict you must be feeling.

Jo, I'm probably the wrong person to respond since I'm going to tell you I like your counselor's response.!!!! I'm kind of where you are....having done plan A and H still looking possessed and defending his "coworking, antimaterilism bond"<P>I like the idea of responding with a thank you for the e-mail...It is a plan A move I think... I wish I had responded to my H's e-mails after I sent him the letter....but I didn't and now he is MAD!!! I guess what I did was a LB to him....<P>On the other hand...I have become calm....focused more on changing myself and not being "hurt"....and frankly, since my H's is an EA....waiting to bust the seams...I'd like to see how OP stands on her own!!!<P>Again, I like the idea of an email thank you....maybe not as harsh as she has written. Leave it with a thank you...just tell him that you are confused now also..You have things you are working out. You love him and are willing to work on the marraige, but it will take two!!!<P>I have been thinking of telling my H a similar thing....My H is mad at me because I am not talking to him (so he tells his mom) and he is putting the kids in the middle....but I am not reacting....he was the one who says everything I say bugs him....Yet, right after counseling says "hey, do you want to go get dinner.....at which point we have wonderful conversation",,,,,, I really think my H wants it like it was.....him being "selfish" (his words)...getting to do everything he wants when he wants...having his ego stroked at work....and having me as the kept mother of his children!!!<P>When he was pursueing me in the beginning of our relationship.....he was coming on too fast....I worried about that...due to the infatuation thing...I told him I wasn't interested in casual sex....that I didn't need any more friends, I had enough! I told him I was looking for someone who wanted more...a comittement...someone to grow with...that even though I didn't expect for us to know right away, that if he was interested in something casual (inc. sex) that he go elsewhere.!!!!<P>He gave me the line that although he had not slept with a lot of women, he knew a lot of women and he knew what he wanted...me....I still did not sleep with him!!! But I was strong....I respected myself....<P>I have to do the same now...because he is NOT respecting me!!! NOw my recent actions may be a big part of the reason.....but I know my H...he will not respect me, unless I do!!!<P>My H may be confused, but I am not.... I do know I love him..and know that we can make this a wonderful relationship....but he is going to have to meet me half-way at the beginning,,,,,,,then I will do the rest!!!<P>So, after that long VENT....I like the idea of an e-mail plan A....post your replies here and we can help you to not LB.<P>I think it is soooooooooo obvious that your H loves you....he just needs a kick in the Bu**, like my H!!!!!

Hi Resilient,<P>Not being quite up to speed on your situation, I cannot offer much advice. It does ring of a Plan B letter as already mentioned. I like the way it is worded, non-threatening, no LB's, just short and to the point.<P>Hang in there & be strong. Prayers are with you.

Hi Jo,<P>I try to keep up with your situation, but I honestly don't know if you are in Plan A or Plan B or if you want to reconcile or if you don't. A lot would depend on the answer to those questions.<P>I think you are making progress with the H, but you need to define your strategy and stick to it. Either you respond with something positive (like a "thank-you") or you don't respond at all. You know not responding could work to your advantage or push him further in the direction of the OW. Rather than leave it to chance, I think you should decide what you want and commit to that goal. You've got to be willing to risk losing him if you go with Plan B. It's a last resort.<P>Either way, I think it's time for some Me-time. Take back your power and your life by enjoying it a little! There is more to life than this. When you can see how little a part in your life this really is, it will give you the perspective you need to make a clear decision. I am not trying to say this is unimportant or this doesn't matter. It hurts. It does. I've been there. I know this. What I am saying is that in the grand scheme of things, you are so much more to your family, your church, your co-wrokers, and society than Betrayer's Wife. Though it may feel like it, he is not your world. When you are able to put that into perspective, it's easier to see just where he fits in- if at all.

Hi Popeye,<P>You show right when I need you. I just allowed myself to succumb to feeling sorry for myself and cried my heart out. I don't know what I want. I want what I can't have, this to never have happened.<P>I don't know if I'm in a Plan A or B either, that's probably why I was upset today. I'm torn, I think I know my H so well that I feel if I ignore him he will want me more, stupid, but that's him. But I want you to know that is NOT the reason I'm distancing myself, I truly need it. I'm trying to think, trying to grow up I think. <P>I agree with you, if I ignore his attempts to contact me for too much longer he's EN that I'm filling will be unmet and the OW may fill it by default.<P>It's silly, but a part of me believes he is still mine no matter what because of this bond we have and eventually he'll come back to me. What a romantic.<P>The Marriage I want with my H is still undefined in my mind, I think that's because I don't know if he is able to give of himself to fullfill the role. I need a H that will honestly communicate with me, consider me his best friend, share his feelings with me. Right now he is so in conflict and unsure of himself I don't know if I can take his words at face value or if I should read between the emotional lines.<P>Lord I love him, but I'm still so hurt and resentful. I really don't want to lose him Popeye, but my heart says to wait a bit before I make any moves in his direction. I pray to God I don't wait too long and he turns to OW for good. Please God don't allow that to happen.<P>I really value your posts Popeye, thank you for being there.<P>I did post on your thread, have you talked with Poorme today regarding your recovery? Are you any further in negotiations? Please tell me about it. I inquired as to the issue of of having a family with Poorme. Have there been any discussions leading to that?<P>Jo

I wanted the same thing you say you want, for this to never have happened, but we can't change that. We can only deal with what we have now. I truly believe, despite all the pain and lack of answers, that these things happen to teach us something, to bring us growth. I know my eyes have been blown wide open. Know that when you get through this, it will be as a stronger, wiser person with a more fulfilling life. You can't lose. Whether you end up with him or without him, YOU will come out the winner.<P>We are the same, Jo. I also believe that my H will always belong to me, even if we divorce. Love does not die. I know my H loves me like he has loved no other. NO ONE can take that away from me. Let that be your comfort too. So what if we are romantics? Much better to be a hopeful romantic than a rotton whore who slinks after other women's husband's! <P>I think the answers your H needs will come once you decide what you want and begin to live your life like you have a purpose. As long as you are going back and forth, how can he decide? As long as he is going back and forth, how can you decide? Someone has to go first and take a firm stand! I wouldn't count on him, so it looks like it has to be you. I know it stinks, but that's what you have.<P>If you ask me, I think you want him. I think you are allowing your fear of the unknown to get in the way. I've been there too. We can't predict or create the future because people will always have free will. We can only be true to ourselves. Partial commitment = partial joy. Go for what you want and don't let your fear of losing, your fear of being hurt get in your way. If he comes at you with some stupid insulting behaviour, remind yourself that the man you love is in there. With your love and help, he can exist again. Jo, we've both seen it happen so many times on this forum. It can happen for you too. I think you want him. I think it's time for YOU to get off the fence! You can do it. We are here to support you.<P>Got your post. Thanks. Responded on that thread (don't want to crash your thread).