Or, am I in love w/my marriage? Or, are they one and the same? <P>When I first found out about my W's affair, all I wanted was to have her back. I couldn't imagine living without her, and I couldn't imagine anyone replacing her. Part of our problem was that I had become complacent and had taken her for granted. As a result I didn't show her the love and appreciation that she needed. After d-day, (sorry that's what it took), I rediscovered the "in love" feelings and desire that I probably had all along, but had gotten misplaced somewhere with getting married, buying a house, and having a baby.<P>A couple of months after d-day, I asked her to move out as I couldn't stand to live with her while she continued her affair. It was the hardest thing, I think, either of us ever did. Looking back, it was probably a mistake as well. I still wanted her back, but only if she wanted to be with me. I didn't want her to come back only for our S, or the dogs, or the security; it had to be for me. After a while, I finally realized that there was nothing I could do about her. I could only control myself (lesson 1 ).<P>As I continued to concentrate more on myself, I also separated emotionally from my W. The good news is that the emotional rollercoaster smoothed out, the bad news is that I am starting to question my motives. <P>I have reached a point where I don't need her to come back. This is good. I am a stronger person, and, I hope, more attractive to my W because of it. I have relearned how to pay all the bills and balance the checkbook. I have learned how to keep the house clean, and how to take care of my S by myself. <P>What I have also learned is that if I maintain some distance in my relationships, I won't get hurt. While this might be acceptable for a specific situation, it is not good as a general rule. <P>Do the betrayed spouses have to go through a rediscovery process similar to the WS falling in love again? Is this all it is, or is this, perhaps, something I need to explore more closely to make sure I don't go back to my marriage for the wrong reasons?<P>A little help please.<P>Steve

Beerman:<P>Yes, I understand your feelings. Questions<BR>that run through your mind and don't seem to have any answers. I've been minelessly reading posts here hoping something would jolt me out of this funk I've been in the last few days. <P>I too have begun to question my motives in wanting my WS back. Actually the thought of his being back at home scares me a little.<BR>I seem to function so much better when he is not here. <P>So I ask myself do I really want him back or am I just angry that he has chosen someone else above me? How could anyone possibly not want me? I'm attractive, intelligent, a wonderful mother, capable, creative, supportive...all the qualities a man should be looking for in a wife. But you know what? I don't really need him for anything, including affection (a major EN of his) or admiration (another EN of his). So I didn't see those needs in him. So he found an OW that is ugly (really), needy, stupid, and low class, but who knew how to give him the EN he needs. <P>My H lacks self-esteem and needs a lot of reaffirmtion from other people. No one can give you self esteem and I certainly don't want to have to appear needy just so my H can feel like he's needed. <P>In short, if my H was to give up OW tomorrow and want to come back...he really never has left, he is really just on a little vacation...she'll be gone in a month or two and then he'll want to come back...been there before....I doubt at this time I would want him back. He has so many issues he needs to deal with that I can't help him with and I don't want to sit by and watch him not dealing with them anymore...I've had too many years of that already. <P>Yes, I think standing back and distancing yourself from the situation does give you a better prospective while it making it easier to deal with...but unfortunately it also removes you emotionally and takes away the rose-colored glasses of acceptance. And without the glasses you can see how unacceptable things really were. Do I really want that back or do I really need to just move on?<P>Either way I cannot go back this time to what was. Things have to change and they will have to change while we are apart because I'm no longer willing to live with them. The flip side is I'm still willing to work on change on both sides.<P>Buffy <P> <P>

I've gone through the same process and asked a similiar question. Does it really matter if the love is for the marriage or your wife? Does it really matter what reasons you return as long as you are happy?<P>I demanded this and that so that my ego would be satisfied. I wanted a reunion so that I would feel justified that my H did not leave because of me. I wanted all these conditions met so that I would feel sure that he was returning for me rather than for money or security or out of fear. But you know what? None of that matters. What matters is that you end up there together and happy.<P>It's good that you have learned so much about yourself and learned how to take care of yourself again. I wish my H would have spent his time away doing things like that rather than chasing other women. If you get back together, you will be in a better position to appreciate your wife and to be a better partner to her. If you don't get back together, well, you still have those skills to help yourself and maybe eventually be a better partner to someone else. So, it's all worthwhile.<P>Don't let yourself withdraw from life in order not to get hurt. There are so many lessons in this whole divorce business, and that is one that kicked me fully in the face. So much of what I experienced was because of not allowing myself to fully live because of fear. I know now that pain is necessary for growth and helps us to appreciate the goodness in life. I wouldn't trade it for a flat, uneventful life!<P>Unless you are motivated by revenge or hurt, I don't think there is a wrong reason for returning to marriage. I think you should keep the doors open.