OK, folks (especially you, lostva), I need some help in verbalizing something. <P>Amazing, but true. <P>As some of you know, my stepfather had treatment for a recurrence of thyroid cancer a few months ago. He has not been feeling well, and is coming down for tests this week.<P>My mother (who is extremely narcissistic) has always relied on him to be "the rock", and right now he is tired, ill, and worried and unable to give her the support she always needs from him, so they are not getting along.<P>Frankly, it disgusts me that she is unable to put aside her own selfish needs and put her husband first for a change, but what I'd like to be able to do is explain to her why she has to essentially nurture herself right now.<P>In essence, this is another application of the "put your needs aside and focus on the goal" aspect of Plan A, as I see it.<P>Can anyone give me any ideas as to how to present it to her?

Hi D & C,<P>I've read your post and I'm thinking. This is a tough one.<P>I'll get back to you.<P>Jo

Dazed.<P>I figured it must be a tough one if you are asking for help on how to write a letter to your mother. <P>You should ask us for more than a week's notice on this one. It is a tough one.<P>Narcisstic - it must serve her purposes for her to have any interest. A check inside with the envelope? I'll Pay you mom to support your husband.... (ugh) <P>Or how about open dialogue with your mom, realizing the entire purpose needs to be for her own betterment of life.... <P>**<BR>Gee, mom, this must be incredibly hard on you with daddy being sick. What are the areas of life that you are affected the worse by? yada yada yada..... What would you like to see happen, Mom?...... I agree.... It is better if daddy can get well to help on this. <P>Hey, ya know I've heard about some stuff that might help you help daddy, so that hopefully he can get "back into the swing of things, for ya...." It's called "....", and essentially - it is designed to...., and a lot of people have had a lot of success! All you have to do is....<P>Anyway, mom, I guess if we are going to try to get daddy back up and running again - we should probably try this for a little while and see if it works.<P>The thing is about it, is that it means that while you are doing (plan A) this, he's probably not doing (plan A), but once you get that ole' lovebank filled up again, not only will it help his health and hopefully get him back on his feet, he will probably start reciprocating....<P>In the mean time, if there is anything I can do to help you get through this time without lovebusting, ......<P>**<BR>Okay, I told you we need a week.

Hey Dazed!<P>This is a tough one. But, you know, I just HAD to look at it! My mom and I don't have the greatest relationship and I have found that Plan A has helped me deal with her tremendously! (Another bonus, I guess! )<P>Got a rough draft or anything we can work with???? You start with your thoughts and what you want to say and some of the great minds here (LOL) will help you with HOW to say it!!! (Not including myself in those great minds, BTW!!!)<P>Talk to you soon!<P>Lori

Oh, I'm not looking to Plan A in MY relationship with her...I'm looking at this as giving her skills she needs to put her own neediness aside and be able to give to her husband (for a change). Right now, he's got cancer, it might not be responding to treatment, he's coming down for more tests, and instead of being supportive of him, she's b*tching at him for not being supportive of HER anxieties about his condition. Pretty selfish, eh?<P>Since Plan A involves putting your needs aside for a greater goal, I thought some of those techniques might be useful in her situation as well.

I do understand....<P>When Robert left, I needed SOMEONE - right then! I broke down and called my mom, told her he was gone. I asked her not to come by (I like to work through things myself first - she KNOWS this about me), just needed to hear her on the phone.<P>She left work and came immediately. I opened the door and she walked in:<P>"I know you don't like people around when things are going wrong for you, but you have no idea what this is doing to ME! Whether you want me or not, I needed to be here 'cause it hurts so much. WHAT did you do? WHY did you make him so unhappy he felt he had to leave? HOW could you DO this to me? Haven't I been through enough losing your dad?"<P>Some support, huh? Seems like our mom's are a bit alike. BTW, I've tried and I can't make a dent in mine. Hope you have better luck with yours.<P>I'm still thinking.<P>Lori

If your mother is narcisstic, she isn't going to lay her needs aside for a greater goal, unless she understands how she may benefit by doing this. So, really stress the goal - get on her team - so to speak. Help her see that her goal is his goal and your goal.... She will be sold when she sees how the goal could benefit her.<P>It is like helping her paint a vision, and then selling her the method to achieve the vision. I'm not sure that is going to be easy, because there are no guarantees with plan A.<P>But if you approach mom with a method of "laying aside your needs" - without getting her wanting the goal, she probably will never "get it".<P>If we are all a bit narcisstic, then my husband is usually a little more narcisstic than anyone I know. You can work with that, you know that. Probably some shrink will say that you had unresolved issues with a narcisstic mother, so you decided to marry a narcisstic husband to work those issues out with. By now, you have become quite an expert in dealing with narcisstic people.<P>Only thing is, is they don't change - it is us that changes - as we learn how to "move them" into a direction that we want to go also. I guess by now, you've learned how to not even try and get a narcisstic person to go the direction you want to go, unless you know it will benefit them.<P>Well, you know that plan A will benefit your mother in the long run. I agree. But she will not be sold unless she knows that there is an "end" in sight - like Dr. Harley tells us to plan to do it for about 6 months. And, then after 6 months, we see the benefits - and we keep on doing it. Maybe that is how you are going to have to approach mom.<P>I'm sorry about your step father. Will send another round of prayers up for him.<P>TNT

I think TNT has the right idea. You will only be successful if it benefits her.<P>Now the best way to do that? You may know the best approach.<P>I guess the ways I can see it could benefit her is that maybe, just maybe if she did it, she'd feel good about it.<P>Maybe she could benefit because YOU would lavish her with praise for her slightest effort and encourage her to complain to you. Maybe your sister could, too.<P>However, my dear friend, this may ultimately fall into the catagory that you are not responsible and you can not control what another person does. <P>If you would find that you would feel that you are failing your SD by not at least attempting this nobelness, then do whatever you can. <P>Although it is sad to see your poor SD treated this way in what could be his final days, it is their unique pattern of behavior, so maybe it serves some sort of purpose. Plus, it may just be beyond your control.