My sister, who lives far away and hadn't actually seen my kids for about a year, claimed that my kids were used to their father being gone since he has been gone for 16 months. <P>She obviously didn't consult my kids. The very next day, out of the blue, my 7 year old said that if a genie came and granted her one wish, it would be for Daddy to come home. My 4 year old, who was not very verbal when her father left, includes him everytime she lists her family members. He drove up last night and she shouted, "Daddy's home". My 14 year old son has said repeatedly that he would welcome him back with open arms if he came home. <P>So much for kids ever getting used to it.

Nellie:<P>Your sister is probably trying to 'comfort' you in her awkward way. Maybe she thinks if YOU think the kids are 'getting used to it', then you won't worry so much about them and their pain.<P>Her intentions are probably pure but she is just simply ignorant and doesn't know how to express herself and feels helpless in being able to comfort.<P>The truth is, unfortunately, that kids live with the pain of an absent parent to their core. I remember how I felt when my parents divorced. No one gave me much consideration and I was devastated. I would hear remarks like "kids bounce back...they're resilient".<P>Well, that may be true, but it did have an impact on me and I did miss my dad and our family being together. However, as I got older I realized what a jerk he was, I was lucky not to have to live with him. I didn't know that though when I was a kid. All I felt was the pain.<P>You an your kids are mourning the loss of the family's husband and father as if he had died. The process is similar to surviving a death, only longer because the person who died is still coming around now and then and prolonging the closure...healing takes longer as a result as well.<P>I am so sorry this is happeneing to you and the kids, Nellie. Don't be too hard on your sister; she doesn't know what to say and people say stupid things when they are trying to make us feel better.<P>Catnip =^^=

catnip,<P>In some ways it is much harder for the kids than surviving a death. Usually when someone dies, at least if it is not from suicide, the surviving children can safely remember him as loving and even often as somewhat larger than life.<P>Now, not only do they have to deal with his absence, but with his indifference to their feelings. They don't understand why he allows them to visit so infrequently, and for such short periods of time, and they certainly don't understand when he doesn't show up when he says he will, and doesn't even call until two hours late. They don't understand why he is upset that they don't call him, yet he has called them only a few times in 16 months.