I have suspected it, but once again denied actions and words. <BR>H tells me he has not talked to OW since he left MN. Today I have found out this may not be true. I think it's not because the "signs" point to he must be.<BR>Now He agreed to tell me if he ever talked to her. I even asked him as late as Monday and he said No I haven't spoken to her.<BR>Now should I tell him I know and this is all over, or should I tell him I know, let him know how hurt I am, and give him another chance. <BR>I think his reason for "lying" again is because he isn't sure what he wants and wants to keep me "just in case"...<BR>I am hurt and angry, and of course the trust has gone back down to zero.<BR>I do have her address and phone number, but if I called her, would she also LIE and tell me no they haven't spoken. Would I even believe her? What would I even say?<BR>Right now I am ready to once again say, S**** this I'm not going to do this anymore.<BR>I will not do something in haste, so please help me with your thoughts.<BR>Tyra

Tyra<BR>I'm so sorry that things are pointing to continued contact. Do you have any proof?<P>I know that in my case, I could not get the truth unless I had indisputable proof. I'm not sure how many times over the post-affair months it happened. Each time, the contact I discovered was less.<P>Is there a chance that if you confront your H calmly that he will be honest? If so...go for it. Talk to him about it. I know that my H, as he was coming out of the fog, seemed to have a hard time understanding what was wrong with calling her to see how she was. It made recovery much more difficult and trust....well that was pretty much trashed.<P>The OW will tell you exactly what she needs to say for her own self protection. All that matters to her is what is best for her. So don't go down that road right now. It will just confuse you more.<P>Hang on Tyra. This can be beaten. <BR>I believe that we have gone 1 full year Bimbo free. With the months that H dragged it out...I never would have believed it could happen.<P>I know how horrible this feels to you. It is just like a punch in the gut.<BR>Just don't say anything you don't absolutely mean. <BR>Stay calm. Don't let your imagination take over. <BR>I'll be thinking of you and sending prayers. This sucks, plain and simple! Sometimes it just takes a long time to get the concept of honesty through to our spouses.<BR>If he is contacting her and not telling you...he probably still thinks he is protecting you.<BR>Hang in there.<P>Wassi

Tyra,<P>I went through this. Time after time after time. I'm guessing it's getting to the point where you don't know if you will ever learn to trust your H; you're wondering if you can ever believe him if he says he's not talking to the OW (even though he might not be). I understand. It's something that you can either live with and let it make yourself crazy, or do, as I learned in Al-Anon, to detach myself from the situation. My H's lying was like an addiction in itself, and I enabled it by pressing him to tell the truth. Well, he's not ready to tell the truth, and when he is, I will know it.<P>Until then, I have decided to detach. Detach. Live my own life. Find new friends. Do things with other people. Engage in my hobbies. Start writing again. Indulging myself in things that I hadn't before. Doing anything but let the suspicions drive me nuts.<P>That is the only advice I can give ... detach yourself from his lying. Know that there is a good possibility that it will happen in the future. Expect it. Plan for it. That way when it happens, you'll be better able to sort it out quickly and then move on.<P>Blessings,<P>belld

I asked my H point blank when was the last time he spoke with OW ( this MOnday I asked). His reply the day before he left to come back to our state.<BR>I have confirmation today that he spoke with her as lately as this past Sunday....<BR>So once again he is telling me a LIE,<P>

You may want to say, I learned that you had contact with her on Sunday, yet you told me you have not had contact with her since whenever. Can you please explain about Sunday?<P>As far as contacting the OP. I'm on a personal crusade against that after my horrible experience. Please see my post under <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004067.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004067.html</A> to reference that.<P>I'm sorry your H is still lying to you. On the bright side, you're not wondering. Now, let's see if he can start telling you the truth. Good luck.

Tyra,<P>One very good book that I read that helped me deal with H's lying is "Never Be Lied To Again." It gives you classic interrogation techniques the police and federal agents use when trying to elicit a confession. These techniques work, if used properly and covertly. I know it is a shame to have to resort to learning interrogation techniques, but when dealing with chronic liars, one must. <P>BTW, the book advised never use the word "liar" around a liar. They will automatically go on the defense. Always say, "Please tell the whole story," or "Please tell me the complete story." If your H out and out lies, even if it's obvious, you still have to adhere to that term "whole/complete story" bit. It gives them positive reinforcement for the truths that they have told, and at the same time, gives the liar an opportunity to come clean.<P>Read the "Never Be Lied To ..." book, though. It has been the most useful book I've ever bought to date<P>belld

Tyra,<P>I remember reading your posts when your h was living elsewhere. I don't come to this side of the forum much but saw your post.<P>Try to stay calm. You must have wanted to save the marriage enough to try again before. Be sure to do just that, think it through long and hard before making a decision.<P>As far as I know, but not personally, a lot of WS continue contact like that, not that its a good thing, but because of the withdrawal.<P>Take some time to really decide what it is you want. Your in a tough spot but only you can decide if you are strong enough to do this, and you also know what its like seperated.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>