.<p>[This message has been edited by Reztles (edited August 09, 2000).]

Ret,<BR>Glad to see you are asking questions. Searching for answers and guidance. That is a positive.<BR>First of all have you read His Needs Her Needs? This may be a good place to start. Also Surviving an Affair, and Love busters.<BR>You can't fix what you aren't sure what is wrong. These books may help you both...<BR>As far as your fears.FEARS FAlse Evidence Appearing Real....<BR>Yes sometimes the fears are worse then what actually happens. <BR>Commit to working on your marriage. You must do it for yourself first, then for your wife.<BR>Yes the ow may have been exciting, but I'm betting so was your wife "in the beginning".<BR>Can you get those feeling back? Yes but I'm here to tell you it will take alot of work, and even when your ready to "give up" dig deep and find one more thing to try.<BR>If after every stone has been unturned, THEN it will be time to move on. You will know when that is.<BR>I am still unturning stones and H and I have been seperated for 9 months. <BR>Some days I think it will be my last, but then with prayer and word from MB friends, another idea or suggestion comes up and then I try that, and it gets me through one more day. <BR>So prepare for the long haul. Life is not an easy road to travel, especially alone!!!<BR>MB friend<BR>Tyra

Hey Rez...<P>Keep this in mind. The road back will not be easy nor quick.<P>Someone told me once that when 'emotion confronts reason, emotion will win most everytime, unless you have a plan."<P>I found it a quick and fast decent down this chasism of turmoil....much like hiking down a valley or canyon. But the climb out is more painful and takes longer.<P>Don't look for all the answers right away. The vital thing you need to survive this place is determining in your heart...WHAT do you really and truly want? Once you have that settled....you must put together a plan and pursue it diligently. For many of us...we waver on deciding what we truly want.<P>Good luck.<BR>

Hi Reztles,<P>Three weeks after dday of my husband's affair I was still in a state of shock and disbelief. Ten months later and I still occasionally feel the same way.<P>Follow the advice here, give it time, and practice patience. You have got a long, long way to go yet, but I promise it will get better.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Check out <B>PTC</B>... from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Forgiveness is always tough...<BR>...also check out...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000293.html" TARGET=_blank>Making New Memories</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/25/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P>and outside links...<BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P>and books...<OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P>You might want to check out some additional books to address your loss of faith...<BR>Check out ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000025.html" TARGET=_blank>Books</A><P><BR>As far as nothing changing in your marriage...<BR>...with 2 different counselors...<BR>...you may be lacking focus...<BR>...get that one counselor <B>for both of you</B>...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P> <P>Jim

.<p>[This message has been edited by Reztles (edited August 09, 2000).]

Rez,<BR>I too am where your wife was. I didn't see it coming either because I was content with my life. Yes I would have liked to have more.<BR>But I was following my H's lead. I "thought" he was content. <BR>What I have done is focused on "me" how did I contribute to this. <BR>Some one recently told me, when YOU change the people around you change too.<BR>You said you weren't sure you still liked your wife. Have you considered she might not like herself either.<BR>Look at what you have done. Have you changed?<BR>Did you use to treat her like a queen, then stopped? Did you help more around the house, but don't now? If you look at yourself closely I'm sure there are things you don't do now that you did when you were first married. <BR>This IS a wakeup call that "something" is missing in your marriage. Discover what it is and try to meet each others needs.<BR>If you "won't" or she won't , believe me someone will come along for either of you and Will....<BR>You should try to get your wife talking...<P>Last year during the early part of H's affair. We use to sit and talk for hours on the porch about how he felt. <BR>Well one day he said, I can't see myself years from now just sitting here talking to you. I replied no this isn't my idea of living either. He said Oh I thought you were content to just sit her forever. I said I am only doing it because I thought it was what you wanted. <BR>So the "porch" we both thought it was what the other wanted to do. <BR>Why because we had been married 28 years, and I thought I knew all there was about my H and he me...Wrong.......!!!!<BR>That is a lesson I have learned, as humans we evolve and what once worked for us, now doesn't. We can each grow together, or apart.<BR>Well NOW I am growing by myself, and looking at my part in all of this. <BR>My H at first was able to tell me what I didn't do. What he was unhappy about. <BR>I have tried to change me, he is still kinda slow in changing himself. but it's happening slowly...<BR>Sorry this got me on a roll... <BR>Hang in there, half the battle is KNOWING you were not satisfied , now the tough part is discovering "why" and how to go about changing..Changing in ways that are acceptable to both of you.<BR>Hang in there.<BR>MB friend<BR>Tyra