I haven't posted in a while ... so I will tell you all about my life over the last few weeks! Get a pillow - this might be long! And pardon any repetition of stuff I may have already posted - I've forgotten what I might have written before.<P>Three weeks ago I took some vacation time - two weeks in a row. Didn't have anywhere to go or any real plans. I mentioned to my husband that I would be on vacation and that if he wanted to do something, to give me a call and maybe we could get together and golf or something. He was non-committal, which usually means forget about ever hearing from him.<P>So, I was surprised to hear from him the first Wednesday - wanted me to meet him at the driving range. He was resistant to the idea of riding together, but that is kind of to be expected at this point - wouldn't want slug to hear that we had been seen in the same car! We had a great time, plus I realized that I hadn't forgotten how to hit a golf ball - although I did need lots of advice and pointers This is one of my bigger changes in life - I had perceived him to be impatient with me when teaching me things, but I realized that <B>I was the impatient one!</B> Out of embarrassment for not knowing how to do something, I did not have patience to learn and he has proven himself to be a most patient teacher. I have finally learned how to be a patient learner!<P>Anyhow, I know that I posted that before, and I probably have posted this: The following Wednesday, after having told me the day before that he might want to go further afield to golf, and that it would be much earlier in the day, I did not hear from him in the morning as I had half expected. Since I didn't hear from him, I didn't expect to hear from him at all that day. So, I was pleasantly surprised to get a phone call asking me what I was up to ... and asking if I wanted to meet him at the same driving range again! I said sure, and got ready to go. As I drove to the driving range, however, the weather got pretty yucky - rainy and foggy. I figured that I would continue to the range and see if he was there, and tried to think of something else we might be able to do if it was raining at the driving range. As fate would have it, it was NOT raining at the driving range - but it was cool and icky. He was there, and I watched him finish up hitting his bucket of golf balls, giving him feedback on his stance and stuff. Then we had lunch - a surprise to me, because eating together has been something he has avoided, I think due to the intimacy of it. We always had some of our best conversations while eating out... This was no exception. We talked about all kinds of things (except "us" - I never bring that up, and he doesn't either). It was quite nice. As we were getting ready to leave, I suggested that we try to do something the next day if it rained out his golf plans (I made the observation that, since one of the guys he was golfing with was 'very good,' they would not want someone as bad as me tagging along - he kinda laughed and then said, no, probably not!).<P>It did rain the next day, but I didn't hear from him - he might have gone golfing anyway. I was dying to call him that night at work to see what he had done that day, but I resisted. The next day I also had to resist the urge to call him... I told myself that I was falling into bad habits - that I needed to let him initiate contact again.<P>It took a bit more than a week from when I had seen him last, but on Thursday afternoon, he called me at work. He was also at work. He asked me what I was doing when I got done, and I told him that I was going to dinner with friends for someone's birthday. He was VERY interested in that by the tone in his voice - started to ask questions, but I "deftly" changed the subject, asking him why, what was up? He told me he had an issue of Fortune magazine that he wanted to show me some articles in and talk to me about them. Then he asked me what time I was going to dinner, so I told him 7:30pm. He asked me if I could stop by his job (the pizza place) sometime before I went out. I said ok. Well, I got kinda tied up talking to one of my fellow union people about something (more on that something to follow), and by the time I left, I was going to be just on time to meet my friends for dinner! As a courtesy, I called him to let him know why I had not stopped by and that maybe I would stop on Friday. He seemed MAYBE a little disappointed, but said ok.<P>When I did stop by last night, he made far less of it than he had made it sound on the phone ... almost acting as if he wanted me to just take the magazine and leave. But then he started talking to me about the articles, and next thing you know, I was standing there talking to him for nearly two hours. I can't quite put my finger on what it is that makes me feel this way - I am not discounting "wishful thinking," although I think I am past that - but he seems very 'wistful' around me lately ... I feel as if he might regret leaving - but I cannot, as I said, pinpoint what it is that makes me "get" this from him. I am also not discounting that I am close to Plan B and might be looking for excuses not to go to it... But he really does seem very unhappy with his lot in life, wanting some change... I don't know if he thinks I am over him (he knows about my brief "relationship" with the crazy guy I was involved with this spring) and feels regretful about that - or what... I am trying not to fall back into the "what is he really thinking" trap - it is soooooo incredibly frustrating to wonder about THAT all the time!<P>At any rate, that is where my marriage is at for the moment.<P>As for my JOB, some extremely good news: The waiting is over - the decision of the arbitrator is in. The union and I won the decision - the college was wrong for not offering me the position I'd applied for last year and the solution is that they must offer me the job. Now we wait and see exactly what and how they do this. My rep says a "reasonable" amount of time to wait is 30 days. I know that they will not take action for at least two weeks, because the president of the college will be on vacation for two weeks. I will keep you all posted as more details are available.<P>That's about it! Other than my computer problem last weekend (which I am proud to say I researched, diagnosed and fixed myself), that pretty much sums up my life recently! Not too boring, huh?<P>Thanks for reading this most recent installment! <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Terri, you sound good. I'm happy your job grievance appears to be on the mend.<P>Your H does keep contact...you know the slug probably isn't meeting all his needs, and unless she goes to the Wizard of Oz, like the Scarecrow, she won't .<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10<p>[This message has been edited by Lor (Lor) (edited August 05, 2000).]

Terri,<BR>Enjoyed reading your update,it sounded hopeful and positive!<BR>Love and prayers,bethn

LOL, Lor! You are too funny - scarecrow, indeed (if she only had a brain!) I am certain I AM filling his emotional (or would that be intellectual) need for intelligent conversation!<P>alone1, thank you for your response. I am always hopeful! Without hope, we have an empty box ... remember Pandora's story? <P>He called me again on Saturday night. Said he was just checking if I was out or home (huh? what's THAT about?). Then asked me if I'd read the magazine articles (which I had, since I had worked at my friend's salon that day and read the articles when it was quiet there)... we chatted for only a few minutes because he was busy at work. I told him maybe I would stop by the pizza place the next day, and he seemed fairly enthused about that.<P>Sunday morning he called me yet again. Wanted to know was I coming by the pizza place that day? When would I be there? Would I bring the drill (his drill - I have it, because I use it often enough and it has been easier for him to get it from me than it has for me to get it from him)? When would I be there? I asked him what would be a good time for me to stop by (slug has seemed to find the need to "hang out" at the pizza place a lot on Sundays suddenly) and he told me in the early afternoon - maybe 1pm.<P>So, I stopped over there at 2pm We chatted about the articles he had wanted me to read, and then he went to get another issue of the magazine to show me some more articles. I had lunch and read the magazine and we chatted a bit more. Then I left... completely forgetting that I had an important tax document that had come in the mail the day before ... oops.<P>Once again, the man is driving me batty... I wish he'd just get his head out of ... well, you know where... and straighten out his life!<P>As for work ... nothing new there. Although I am trying to be patient - and one would think that after all this time, a couple more weeks would not kill me - but I am getting antsy to see what exactly they are going to do to fix the mess they created!<P>Life is NEVER dull!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

<P>(Long post, short reply... just like a guy)

Thanks, K... I think <P>Not much new going on. I got something in the mail from NY State Tax and opened it. It was a bill for unpaid income tax ... only about $25, but I couldn't figure it out. Then I looked at it again and saw that it was not for me, but for HIM. Since we filed our taxes separately this year, and he put his new address on them, I have no idea why it came to me.<P>So, Tuesday I called him at work while I was at work - just before he got done. I told him about it, and asked him what he wanted to do - did he want to stop by my work to pick it up? Yes, he said. I said, well, if you come by at lunch time, maybe we could go to lunch together. He just made a funny non-committal noise. Different acting than he was last time I saw him.<P>Oh well, I did my part and now if he wants it he can come and get it from me. Based on his actions of the past, he will ignore it until they come to cart him off to jail. No, really, he will ignore it for a long time - until it becomes a major issue. That is how he deals with stuff like this. Once, while he was still here, he had gotten a traffic ticket and was about a week away from having his license suspended when I went to pay it for him. He ignored a parking ticket for which the fine was all of $10 for so long that the penalty raised it to $50 and they were about to suspend his license when he finally took care of that. And more recently, he had misplaced another ticket he had gotten and, months later, the police had a warrant for his arrest (they very kindly TOLD him about it and gave him the opportunity to take care of it).<P>Of course, most of his irresponsibility (ignore reality - it might just go away) began only after the affair - and the bulk of it has been since he moved out.<P>At any rate ... I am feeling much less positive about his most recent response than I have been about the other stuff. Plan B is looming and I am beginning to see it as an island in a churning sea of insanity. I am going to work on the letter again this weekend, because I have a couple of things I want to add (not disrespectful judgements or anything - at least I don't think so). And once the decisions are made at my job about what will happen and when, I will decide my "when" for Plan B. It will likely be sometime toward the middle to end of September... gee, maybe I should go for it on our anniversary (Sept 9)... or on the anniversary of "D-Day" (Sept 14 - although I very much doubt he remembers the significance of that date - he was pretty much drunk 4-5 nights a week at that point).<P>Any thoughts?<P>Thanks again for "listening!"<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

<BR>terri,<P>You ARE the Empress of Plan A. I have nothing else to add to that! <P>Bystander

Thanks, Bystander!<P>Although, I would definitely like to be "recognized" for something WAY more ... FUN!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

oops.<BR>a slip up?<BR>a lovebuster?<BR>Dunno. Could use some "outside" opinions.<P>Yesterday I had an "almost" flat tire on my car. My husband had previously indicated he would help me find a used rim for the wheel, because we think the one that is on there now is bent just enough to not seal quite properly. Since the tire on there is only a month old, and it had started going soft about a week and a half ago, I figure it is very likely that is the problem - a slow leak somewhere along the bead.<P>So, I called him at work, because I knew he would be answering the phone. I knew also that it was probably going to be busy, but I needed to reach him and I am not "allowed" to call him at home (slug's rules). When he answered, I said "I know you're probably really busy, and I'm sorry to call at a time like this, but I needed to let you know that my tire is almost flat. My friend (name) is going to help me out tonight, but I need you to talk to (his friend) next time you see him about getting another rim for the car."<P>His attitude was short and almost rude - OR, my PERCEPTION of his attitude was that it was short and almost rude... It seemed like he was annoyed that I had called him when he was busy. I said goodbye and ended the call - it was, perhaps, all of 45 seconds long, if that.<P>Well, the tire had enough air in it to get me to the gas station/convenience store up the road, so my friend followed me up there and I put air in the tire. It seemed to be fine for the moment, so I went home. But I was stewing about the "attitude" I'd gotten from my husband.<P>Finally, I decided I was going to call him back and tell him to forget about helping me out, I'd take care of it myself.<P>I waited until it would normally have calmed down there and then called him back. He was no longer answering the phone, so when I asked for him, I made sure it was clear that I would call back if it was too busy right then. But they called him to the phone.<P>Less short, but still not friendly. OK ... so I sorta plunged in: "I know you were busy when I called before, but I didn't appreciate being talked to the way you talked to me. So, don't do me any favors - ok - I'll take care of it myself." He seemed surprised by my reaction, and then said, "Well - you know, I'm getting my a$$ kicked here tonight!" by way of explanation/apology. I know that meant, basically, that he wasn't being rude to me personally, but that he was rushed and frustrated and hot and busy ... Then he said, a bit more patiently, "So, what did you want?" Whereupon I had to reply, even though now I was feeling bad about being bi+chy, "That was all - don't worry about it - I'll take care of it." His response was "well, whatever..." I said good-bye and that was it. But I knew that he was hurt by my reaction by his response at the end.<P>So ... now I feel like I was being unreasonable... but then I *don't* think that I was so unreasonable by expecting to be treated more politely when I called the first time.<P>What do you all think?<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Hi Terri,<BR>I don't think your action was unreasonable. You just wanted him to talk to you nicely even if he was busy and had problems at work. And it is good you did let him know that you weren't happy the way he talked to you earlier.<BR>When I was reading your posts they reminded me of Molli's. Although you guys don't talk about you and H but he comes around and wants to spend time together with you.<BR>I think(yes I just think) it's good you told him you were going to take care of tires.. That showed him you are not always relying on him. And that may make him feel sad a bit .<BR>Just don't expect too much and when he wants to be around and if you feel ok spend time with him(or are you going to Plan B soon??)<BR>I wish you luck !<P>Meg<BR>

Thanks, Meg.<P>A friend of mine said the same things almost exactly that you did, so since two of you who don't know each other agree so precisely, you must both be right! <P>As for Plan B... at the moment there are tentative plans to implement it sometime after my job situation is settled. That should probably happen by the end of September, so it looks like October would be a good starting point for Plan B. In the meantime, I am going to simply avoid being the one to initiate contact, and go on with my life as I have been doing. If it includes spending some time with him, fine. If not, fine, too. But my personal dealings with him will be conducted with love and Plan A until the Plan B letter is finalized and sent.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Terri,<BR>I know that we have looked at things from opposite positions before and we probably will again now.<P>I know that this board is supposed to be based on "saving" the marriage but how long has it been since "D" day?<P>I know that what I am going to say to you will be somewhat hurtful but I would like for you to maybe look at this in another way for just a moment. So please excuse anything that may sound harsh. I don't mean to hurt you but I think you are being hurt far worse by what you are going through than by what I have to say.<P>I think I can relate to you quite a bit. From your words I just really feel like I was in a place much like where you sound to be in yourself.<P>In my opinion I think the best thing for you to do is to take care of yourself. I know you love him but I don't think that this relationship that you have with him is at all fulfilling for you. <P>I can remember whenever my H would show any interest in anything that had to do with me or his life here; it made me feel loved. It made me feel like I still meant something to him, that I was still important and that was very comforting. And when he seemed to be curious about my doings, would be around a little bit showing some interest; it made me feel like he missed me and that gave me hope that would give me such a high that I felt as if I was on top of the world.<P>Then... there usually came a time that he would then be very short, rude and seem irritated by me. Then I was brought back down to earth and overflowing with confusion, questions, hurt, doubt and insecurity again! Back and forth we seemed to go, heartwrenching as it was I found myself waiting for the next time he was nice or apologetic. <P>For a while that made things better but it suer was a hell of a ride to be on. Then one day... I had had enough!!! He pulled that final stunt that sent me over the edge. I made my stand with both him and the OW and I turned my back. Actually, I showed my butt pretty good. He had never seen me like that and I guess he knew that "THIS BETRAYAL AND LIE" was the one that had broken the camel's back.<P>I didn't talk to him for a couple of days and before it was like I called him about stuff just so that I could hear his voice and sorta feel him out a little. I didn't have any desire to talk to him about anything. Until the day before we were to go to court.<P>We got together and he started saying that he was thinking about coming home but that he wasn't sure that he could be a good H to me. That he had tried to breakup with the OW but that she wouldn't go away. He wanted to postpone the court date. Drag things out some more, is what he should have said. <P>I felt myself contiplaiting buying yet another ticket for that dreadful roller coaster ride. The idea that he was having doubts was like bait being held in front of me. It was the moment when everyone was wondering will she bite again? <P>I didn't!!! I had had enough!! I told him that it was now or never and that I wasn't going to go through this anymore. And that if he wanted to give this family another chance that he needed to make that decision now. And that meant that the OW had to go because I wouldn't share my life with her anymore.<P>Before court we talked and I asked if he had made a decision and he was again very ugly to me. So I said, That's fine, it seems as if you made your decision. I will bring the rest of your stuff to the courthouse for you." That was a very difficult day. Things went from bad to worse after that but I remained strong. <P>I refused to let his angry outbursts, lack of respect or feeling; upset me another time. I looked at it as if he wasn't my problem anymore.<P>Then one day he showed up and stayed the weekend. Tuesday he was back to his hateful self. I thought oh no here we go again and detatched myself again by no verbal terms just didn't kinda dropped off the face of the earth. I avoided his calls and I didn't call him either.<P>The next time he came home, he stayed. But although I suspected that the OW was still in the picture I thought well let's just see what happens and I plan A'd but yet had little hope of it working out.<P>As it turned out he was still seeing the OW and she also turned out to be a real SLUT and ended up screwing him over. Then I think he could see things a lot more clearly and saw himself as he had been for 6 months... a real [censored]!!!<P>That is when things started changing for the better but not until then. And its been a 1.5 yrs. since then and it is still very hard. Lots to overcome; resentment, distrust, doubt, insecurity just to name a few. <P>I didn't mean to go on and on like this but I wanted you to see how things went. One week, things were good and I had hope, the next he was a jerk and I was crushed. Back and forth for 6 months. From hindsight I now know that he played me like a violin. He knew which strings to pull and just when to pull them too. I am very disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be played like that. I was smarter than that!! <P>All I know is that I never really understood how hard recovery was going to be. I guess I just kinda thought that if I had him back that things would be a little difficult but I would be happy with him in my life again and that together we could do anything. I just never knew how hard it was going to be.<P>But there is one thing that I do know! Even though we are back together and still working, it has been way more than I expected and if his affair had gone on any longer than it did... there would have been virtually no chance for a successful recovery because the amount of resentment I have had to try to overcome from an affair that lasted only 6 months... one of longer diration would have been impossible for me.<P>I don't think that they ever take you seriously as long as they know that you are still interested. I think it is "precisely when you don't care anymore that you become desirable to them again. When they feel that you are gone. Not when you tell them but when they feel it!!!<P>Now I know that you have been going through this for a very long time b/c we were once in the same place. The only thing is, you are still there. You are still his W but he isn't being your H.<P>You are a very nice person Terri and you deserve to be loved and cared for completely not just when it is convient for him or when he feels like it. <P>You've come a long way and you aren't the same person that you were at all. But I think that you should cut the cord and see what happens. I think you should shed your shell and bloom into the wonderful person that you are and think about Terri!!!<P>I know you love him and he loves you too, then he will come around. Put him into withdrawl from YOU!!!!<P>I found out later that when I did just that... his relationship with the OW went down the tubes real fast. He was put into a depression and it was one that sent the OW into insecurity. And basically the tables turned. I was the one that was interesting and she was the one that was naggy, needy, and in seek of his attention.<P>It was then that I learned a big lesson... when you seek attention in anyway you aren't as challenging. They like to make the moves, they like to be the seekers instead of the seeked.<P>I think that is very true in your case as well. I think that there is hope in your situation as well. Whenever you are pre-occuppied and not in contact with him.... he calls and seeks you out. When you call him about something, he seems to withdrawl after a few times which leads me to think that he feels as if he is being seeked.<P>I think that if you contacted him under no circumstances, delivered any mail or anything like that to his job when he is not there, not be available to him for things {have plans} that he would start to seek you again.<P>I think things could turn around for you dramatically, if you play the your cards right. I know that this is not a game but try to look at it with a little stradegy. Just be careful not to leap to soon when/if things start looking up. Remember, the idea is to make him feel as if it doesn't matter anymore. If he seeks and he sees that you are still very interested, its kinda like ok she's still there. There's no rush.<P>I know that sounds very cold and I did too when I was there. All sorts of people told me the same thing but I was sooooo scared to cut that string. It was like cutting my lifeline to my marriage. Like a balloon, if I cut the string it would float farther and farther away until it was gone forever. <P>But.... they were all right and I was wrong. But I let my fear keep me from doing what I should have done. I kept letting him take me on this ride until he almost destroyed my love for him. That was even more dangerous in teh long run {PLAN B principal).<P>So this is the best advice I can give you from my own experience, lessons learned, hindsight and from information given to me by my H.....<P>1. Think about what it would realistically be like for you in recovery. Because you will be the one doing most of the work. He will not have the same drive, determionation or commitment as you do at first. You have been here waiting, thinking, preparing, learning for reconciliation for a long time. YOu will be ready to jump in with both feet but he won't be on the same level as you are. You have had alot more prep time so it is only natural that you will be more energetic. I can tell you that it is like a 2nd honeymoon at first and then things get tougher But they get better too. It is like a roller coaster ride itself just another one.<P>So.... ask yourself if you are really up for it. And if your love for him is still strong enough. If so....<P>2. Then put him in withdrawl from you.<P>Best wishes to you and I really do hope that you will think about this and not take any offense.<P>Genie

Genie, I really do appreciate your concern. And I don't take any offense. If you read this entire thread, you will see that I AM indeed planning to go to Plan B. I just need to do it in my own time.<P>I have a lot going on in my life right now, and I have learned that there is only so much stress I can take before I start to fall apart. A few more weeks of Plan A while I get my job situation straightened out will likely not make a difference one way or another...<P>Just a few minutes ago, I got word that his uncle, who has been battling cancer for the last couple of years, has been given only a few days to live. So sad ... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...<p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited August 12, 2000).]

Genie,<BR>I feel like I am in the same boat as Terri, bc H is still having A and shows interest when I back away and then wants to be around more - and I permit it and we have a great time. Isn't that what Plan A is all about? Creating a fun, safe, loving environment for him to return to? People are saying the same things to me that you are saying now - if he knows you are there then why change? I guess the same question comes up again - how do you know when to go to Plan B?? It seems like punishment and if H is giving more time and communication my way, why do that to him?<BR>

Another thought: I saw - yesterday, I think it was, that someone who had a session w/ Harleys said that while the A is going on 10 cents of every dollor of LU being deposited by the BS is being recognized by the WS. If that is the case, then the BS needs to take every opportunity to deposit and most importantly to realize that the value is only a percentage of what the WS acknowledges. With this in mind and the positive sessions with WS, the BS's time frame for Plan A should continue as long as possible I think. Just realizing the percentages . . . .????? ....Iam4us<BR>

iam4us,<P>I imagine that there could come a time when the WS continuing in an affair would consider Plan A with a sense of relief that he/she does not have to "suffer" from his/her decision. In this case, the continuing Plan A could be wrongly viewed by the WS as peaceful acceptance by the BS. If there is any hint that this is happening, then it is probably Plan B time even if the BS could continue Plan A.<P>I hope that made some sense... Every book that addresses long term affairs addresses the "resistant" spouse - the WS who gets along great with you but shows no sign of coming out of the fantasy. The plans the books outline are basically variations on Plan B - some recommend no contact, some recommend very little contact (via mail - cards and or letters). But all recognize that there is a line we must draw.<P>I don't know how long you have been in Plan A. I have been in Plan A now for ... 23 months. I have been physically separated from my husband for 21 months, and he has been "officially" living with the slug for about 18-19 months. Even in Plan A, I finally got to a point where I stopped initiating contact with my husband. He then settled into a pattern of calling me 1-2 times a week for various reasons. Distancing myself seemed to make him more interested in contacting me. Plan B, done correctly, is my best next step, and likely soon - as I want to remain as in control of this situation as I can. He is supposed to move to Florida with the slug, and I must go to Plan B BEFORE that happens - in other words, I must call the shots before he once again "leaves me."<P>An update on my weekend:<P>I felt badly that our phone conversation on Friday night ended on such a negative note. Since one of the things I have learned through this is that I can be gracious without being a doormat, I decided to call him on Saturday. He was fine on the phone - friendly and talkative. I explained that I had been frustrated by his demeanor on the phone the night before - that I had felt as if he was angry that I had called about my tire problem. He explained that he was simply exhausted from work - that they had had a record business day, with most of the business coming in the evening. He didn't exactly apologize, but he came about as close as he ever has by way of saying "no, that wasn't it - it was just ..." Peace reigned.<P>Then he said he had been going to call me anyway - about his computer. Work got busy for him again while we were talking, and he asked me to come by the pizza place to talk to him. He told me the best time to come by would be around 8pm.<P>Not long after we got off the phone, his sister called with the news about their uncle. She had just called my husband at work and talked to him before calling me. While I was on the phone with her, he called me. I told him I was on the phone with his sister, and then he told me to come by when I got off the phone (it was much earlier than he had originally said to come by). I finished talking to his sister and then I went to see him.<P>When I got there, he talked to me a little bit, but it was getting busy again. However, any time I acted like I was going to get going, he would start talking to me again. I wound up being there for over three hours. Finally, I got ready to go, and as I was leaving, he said "Well, I'm here all day tomorrow, too."<P>Oddest thing for him to say - he is ALWAYS there all day on Sunday, and he knows I know that. He has been saying some of the oddest things lately with increasing frequency!<P>Since it had been so busy when I left on Saturday night, I called him early in the day today (Sunday) to see how things had gone for him after I left... He said it had been extremely busy and he had gotten out nearly an hour late. Then he asked me if I was planning on coming by, because he had the drill to return to me. I told him yes, I'd be by later. It was around 4:30 that I called to make sure it was ok for me to come by (I have stopped in on Sundays in the recent past only to encounter - ugh! - slug there). He was polite but distant on the phone. My guess is that slug was there at the time, because he suddenly seemed not to care if I came by or not: "whatever," he said.<P>I went only because I had to ask one of his co-workers for some information, and I wanted to get the drill - plus, it was the co-worker's last day there. I went in the back way and talked to the co-worker, Bob, for a while. After we were done talking and I had established that slug wasn't lying in wait for me out in the dining room, I went out to talk to my husband.<P>Again, complete change in attitude - he was friendly and talkative. We chatted about lots of stuff, and, once again, I was there for over nearly three hours. Oh - and what he wanted to talk about concerning the computer? He wanted to know what he had to do if he was going to install a new modem in his computer. He told me how he thought maybe his modem had gotten fried in the last thunderstorm we had the other day - but that he'd finally gotten it to work (the phone wire had taken the damage, thankfully). So, he really didn't need to talk to me about his computer at all - I think it was just an excuse. He walked out with me when I left, gave me the drill, looked at my "bad" tire. I mentioned that if he had to pay bills on Wednesday, maybe he could stop by at lunch time and we could go to lunch ... He said "I don't know what time that is for you." I told him ... no promises, but who knows with him!<P>What is frustrating me the most is this "sense" I have that he is unhappy, that he is "wistful" about me, that he is possibly regretting some things. I am keeping in mind that sometimes we see what we want to see - but why would I "see" that now all of a sudden, and not a long time ago? I am also trying to be realistic, because I suppose it is certainly possible that he simply thinks we can be friends.<P>So ... the saga continues ... for now. Oh well ... I always wanted to live in a soap opera! <P>This forum is part of what has enabled me to keep my sanity and strength so far ... I appreciate all who read and all who respond, and hope that relating my experiences can help someone else in some way.<P>Thanks again for "listening" folks!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...<p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited August 14, 2000).]

Just got word that my husband's uncle died. His sister called me just now to tell me. And she hasn't been able to reach my husband. I will call him tomorrow at work.<P>Since he lived in Las Vegas and is being cremated, services won't be held around here for a week or two, but they are planning to have services for his family in Long Island. <P>I wonder if my husband will bring the slug - what a yucky thought.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Terri, I'm sorry for your loss.<P>You can't do anything about whether he brings her or not. If you go, and I don't see any reason why you should not--this person was a part of your life and family, and if she is there, you just be TERRI-at-her-best. She's the outsider, you're the wife. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Terri,<P>I am sorry to hear about his uncle. I'll totally agree with Lor here. You may have known the man and/or want to show your respect to F's family. After 23 months his family continues in a relationship with you, that speaks volumes. I know you can, you will handle this for all the right reasons and with your profound grace.<P>V<P>

Thank you Lor, InShock. Slug will just have to live with the fact that these are MY family - and that she does not belong there. Too bad for her. I need to be there to show my respect for MY family.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...