rationalizing the whole thing. NOw that H has admitted the PA... and we have talked about D... though I told him I'd let him file, it's like the whole thing is just the norm!!!<P>He seems to be coming down from the "possession", seeing the kids. We are talking about the kids... telling sibs we had grown apart blah, blah, blah. We're different now. <P>And I still don't get it. What about the history, what about our 5-9-11 y.o.<P>Is is just OK because he waited to have sex until he was out of the house for 5 months.<P>It has nothing to do with how closely they worked??? how many long hours???? Even sibs will admit to that, but everyone says well it happens. NO one likes it, but it happens. <P>Will he never remember how he treated me and the kids when he came home. How he and she displayed such embarrassing behavior at work.??? <P>Will they just forget that they were two married people with children who worked together and kept that secret and just live happily ever after.<P>It seems impossible if you knew my H prior to this and yet this is what is happening.<P>NEVER in a million lifetimes would I understand this. Yes, I can understand how affairs, attraction, lust, addiction occur, but I can never understand how you can treat people this way and not SEE IT!!!!!!

I think the A comes with temporary blinders...or maybe it is just selective vision.<P>I'm so, so sorry you are going through this...<P>Kathi

I am sorry, too, it probably doesn't make you feel any better, but I know how badly you hurt.<P>When I read the chat files between my husband and his girlfriend, and saw the intense emotions they had for each other, I was wondering miserably "How could you turn your back on us? You are a man that I have never, ever known." It's hurts so terribly.<P>I know that you are talking divorce right now, but are you considering waiting it out? You know that affairs generally don't last--is there anything waiting for you when that fog eventually lifts? I am just wondering. A guy says divorce, but when he gets to the other side of the fence and sees that it is just the same game, new player, he will look back over and wonder what the heck he is doing. Do you think that you could stand to wait him out?<P>Like I said before, I told my husband "If you want a divorce, you go to the lawyer, and YOU file. It's your baby. I want you to be the one who lays out the claims for property and custody and visitation, and if I like it, I'll sign it."<P>To actually go and do the dirty work is really hard on the conscience. It's like stealing a million dollars from the bank. Now you've got it, and you can think of all the ways you can spend it, all the things you want to buy with it, but if you are a decent person, spending it is going to be a little difficult. How much are you going to enjoy anything that you have bought with stolen money?<P>When I told my husband that, he dragged his feet, then yelled at me (I pestered him--"ya gonna do it, huh? Huh? Cause if you're gonna do it, do it now because I want to get on with my life. Too many gorgeous men out there, too little time. . .")<P>A week later, he called me crying "You wanna talk about this?" and he ended the conversation with a big "I love you."<P>I don't know how far things have gone for you, I have been trying to follow your story, but like I said, if he wants to divorce so badly, let him file. It hurts.

I'll have to second what Bernzini said. My W was dead set on divorce. Then we sat down one night and filled out the paperwork. Reality check! As we speak, she is packing her stuff while I house-sit for a friend. I know from her last letter that it is tearing her apart to leave the home we bought together.<P>I, too am coming to grips with the fact that maybe I didn't know my W as well as I thought I did. I am not willing to go back to the way things were, but I am willing to get to know the person she has become, and start building a new relationship with that person.<P>Unitl then, I say let him file.