MKN,<P>I read your reply on another thread and since I wanted to say something to you but didn't want to take over some other thread I decided to start my own. I hope you don't mind and I hope maybe you will see what I am trying to say <P>MKN WROTE: <P>I guess my question to everyone is what all of a sudden (or not so all of a sudden) makes a spouse the wrong one.... when you are not getting your own way? Your needs met? The trash not being taken out to your standards? He or she doesn't look as good any more? Feelings? sorry but it all sounds rather selfish to me... especially since the betrayers go out and find some new excitement, spend all this time emotionally divorsing thier spouse and when it hits... you can't just "move on" like they have....<BR>My life and my son's life has been changed forever and it is not a good change just because someone decided they married the wrong one.... ain't it great....<P>I married my ex when I was 18 (for three whole weeks. I thought I truly loved hima t the time. Now I wonder-I really do. <P>Number 1-I had a terrible home life that I wanted to escape from.<P>Number 2-I was much to young and naive to really know true love (or at elast I think that now).<P>I did not betray my ex. He betrayed me many times. But that isn't the issue here.<P>I wanted you to know that people change. When I first met my ex he was so nice to everyone! Do anything any time anywhere to help anybody! What wonderful qualities.<P>However-we always argued. We argued way too much. Then over time my ex got involved in alcohol and drugs. I begged for us to get help. He said NO WAY. I begged him to talk to me-to tell me what was wrong with us. Again he said NO WAY.<P>He didn't want to work at all on our marriage. He loved to come hoem and fight with me so it gave him an excuse to go out all night.<P>Since we had two children I stuck with him. I knew I couldn't support the three of us (I had no job) and I felt stuck. He made all the threats. How he would take the kids from me. If I left I would never be allowed back. The list goes on.<P>I do think now that I did marry the wrong person and so did he. I am not angry at him. I do not have contact with him (kids are grown). But I do feel we both made a bad choice when we decided to marry.<P>We are so completely opposite it isn't funny!<P>I hope maybe you can see where I come from in this.<P>Sure I think people can become more willing to be a good partner but many people aren't willing to change-especially for another person (and that is how it is seen in their eyes. They aren't changing for themselves but for someone else).<P>I send you hugs and prayers in your situation. Good luck!<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

I do agree, that to some extent, you can make unwise choices about who you marry in the first place.<P>When I was a young woman, I had this idea that I was so ugly that no man would want anything to do with me. I was painfully shy. I never dated until I was 19. My boyfriends were all foreigners who treated me terribly--some were very cruel. My first was Romanian, he could barely speak English and pretty much used me to get over in this country. The second was Mexican--now, he was VERY VERY nice, but my parents had a problem with me marrying a migrant worker so there you go. And the third was middle-eastern and an outright gangster. He was extremely abusive. Then I met my first husband. He was white and American--to please my parents. (And he didn't--they hated him!) And he did not quite force me to have sex with him, but he pretty much tricked me, and pestered me, and we did--I was naive.(I had this idea that I saving myself for marriage--I am old-fashioned.)<P>So, I married him. Standing up there at the alter, I knew it was wrong, and that I was stupid for going through with it. But, people were watching. And, for a couple of years, it was ok. I was 21, and we remained childless for awhile. So we had a good time playing house and going out on the town. We had few bills to pay because we didn't buy anything but food. No worries.<P>Then real life hit. <P>I saw him for who he really was, and I realized for the first time who I really was. It was miserable, and I tried to stick out for as long as I could.<P>My kids are sitting right here reading over my shoulder and bugging me because they refuse to go to bed, so I won't go into details. But let me tell you, I KNEW that it wasn't meant to be from the beginning.<P>I see him at least once a week now, and I still KNOW that it wasn't meant to be. Definately!! He is remarried now, and he and his wife are very happy and in love. They are perfect for each other, and if we had not split up, they would not have had the opportunity to meant and be together. They have a nice family together, her kids, my kids. So it works out fine--as well as possible.<P>We had lovely children from this union, and for this, I am very happy that they came to be. I wouldn't take this back for anything.<P>I kinda believe in fate, don't you? Pretty much a wishy-washy idea, that, but anyways, I know that we made the right decision to split up, though it came about in a very difficult way. I felt bad about it for a very long time. But, it was meant to be and I am glad.<P>This might throw something in the face of working on marriage and not taking those vows lightly, I guess.<P>My take on it is that you must be mature in selecting a partner for life, that you must be wise and really think about what you are doing when you make a commitment like marriage. You must give it some time and examine any trials that could potentially surface in the marriage that you plan to vow to. It IS a big deal--it's intended to last a lifetime. <P>Some of us are just scared little kids when we marry, unwise and unsure of who we are, and it just doesn't work in the end.

I apologize for generalizing so much in my response on the other thread. Sometimes my hurt knows no bounds.... on top of that when I get on a soapbox or even have a hint of one to step on I do, then I won't get off...<P>I truly believe that marriages can work but it in fact does take two. It seems however that way too many people are changing or not willing to work on thier happiness at home. I am not saying to stay in a bad marriage....change it into a happy marriage. We are full circle unfortunately... it takes two. <BR>Please accept my apology for my previous soap box....<BR>Michael

Hey Michael-<P>I don't want you feeling like you owe me an apology when you don't!<P>I responded to you because I could feel your hurt. I have been there and done that and I sincerely doubt I will ever truly be healed to the full extent!<P>I wanted you to know that after trying to make a marriage work and failing when one begins to wonder if indeed they made a good choice on spouse number one it is OK to discover that quite possibly it wasn't the best choice.<P>As with most walks of life we learn as we go. While it is a larger mistake when marrying and even larger when children are involved it isn't the end of the world-sometimes it might just be the beginning <P>Feel free to stand on any soapbox you see near by. I applaud you for being able to come to MB and seek help. My wish would be that I was one who was able to help.<P>What I am really trying to say is please don't beat yourself up over something you might not have control over. Find that special person you are inside and take care of you first <P>I wish you the best of luck-I really do!<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."