yo-yo:<P>I'd point you to the counseling that's provided my MarriageBuilders: Steve and Jennifer Harley (Dr. Harley's children) do phone counseling here. It's highly effective and pretty reasonable, and I'm betting that they would be able to help you manage your anger and resentment, and help you take your marriage in the direction you both want. The number for appointments is 888-639-1639.<P>You're having fairly normal reactions to being told this news. I think you're in excellent shape overall, because your wife told you voluntarily, and because she wants to make the marriage work. Time will heal this, but you need to do proactive work as well (and doing the work makes the healing come faster). Your trust in your wife has been shattered, yet she was honest with you in a very intimate and frightening way for her by telling you about the affair---you want to encourage this honesty by responding in a way that doesn't use "lovebusters". <P>Her reluctance to admit the "true" nature of the affair is natural. She's probably concerned about hurting you, as well as wondering how much you can take before you leave. I would suggest that you decide if you are going to leave her over this mistake (and I would suggest against it)---if you're not, make sure she knows this. That will ease her fears somewhat, and encourage honesty.<P>I'm of the opinion that you have no "rights" once you get married. You need to do things by agreement, as a team. You certainly can ask her (honestly, without lovebusters) about all the details you need about the affair. You can explain your position, and tell her how this information will help you get over this more quickly. She can refuse to tell you anything. You need to come to a point where you both "enthusiastically agree" on this issue (this is the Policy of Joint Agreement). If you can't, you should work harder to find alternative solutions that will satisfy both you and your wife. If that fails, then you do nothing, except perhaps to visit it at a later date.<P>Your wife will be willing to tell you more when she feels safe sharing it with you. My guess is that if you handle yourself well, this won't take very long.<P>And get counseling---even if you do it alone at first. If you don't do the MB counseling, find someone who has a good record with saving marriages using practical approaches and achievable plans. In other words, stay away from psychoanalysts, and try to find a behavioralist who's familar with Harley's work.
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<P>Jim