I have a wonderful H to the outside world. He seems to have it all togeher and noone would ever suspect he would be unfaithful to me. We have been married for almost 11 years with 3 beautiful children. I am not a perfect W however I do feel I have been supportive of my H.<P>Let me start from the beginning - I apologize for the length of my story but I hope someone will have a simlar one and have suggestions for me. In our first 3 years of marriage my H changed careers 3 times - big changes from grad student to business to medicine. After 8 years of med school and residency we have finished what has been the hardest years of our lives. through all career changes I OK let's do it(even med school when as I was pregnant w/our first child.<P>After med school came residency with long hours away from home and pagers going off and me trusting blindly where my H would be going. We have had our troubles in our marriage but my H career always came first to him and it hurt me. He is very sucessful at all things he does because he works hard at them but not out marriage. He often complained that I did not support him the way he needed and told me he could do things better without me. He was diagnosed w/deep depression and had anxiety attacks. To his fellow workers and even family members he still seemed to have it all together - no one would believe me hen I would cry out for help. Our sex life suffered. He would put my feelings below anyone else's and even tell me my opinions did not matter. I did not feel emotionally close to him but stayed because I made a comittment before God and believed my marriage vows unbreakable.<P>Just in the past 6 months my H has found the Lord again. He was raised in a Christian home but fell away in his early adulthood (though no one in his family would believe it - he was very good at covering up his hurt inside). In finding Jesus and forgiveness in Him my H felt he had to tell of his unfaithfullness to me.<P>It happened 2 years ago at a conference. We had attended the weekend part together - it was our first weekend trip alone w/o our kids in 4 years. We had what I thought was a wonderful time together (sex and all). I had to home Sunday afternoon to get back to the kids and my H stayed for 3 more days. He told me just 2 weeks ago today that he was unfaithful to me after I left to go home. He tells me he got very drunk and ran into an old friend (a women I knew and who was also married). They began talking and drinking and he asked her to go back to the hotel we had been staying. They had sex not only that night but the following night also. He tells me he was in a "bad place" emotionally and did not like himself. He had no regard for our marriage or hers. He kept this a secret from me for 2 years and over those years told at least 5 people what he had done but not me. He tells me that he had hoped someone would tell him he was justified in having sex outside our marriage and some did. He made me sound uncaring (I know I have my faults) to everyone who would listen - all behind my back.<P>When he began to put God first our marriage started to feel good. He told me that he had not put me/our marriage in the right place and that now with God in his heart he wanted me to know what he had done to me. I know that he loves me now and that I love him but I feel like I have been living a lie. He has been very honest with me and answered all my questions. He has admitted that he has a problem with lust and that although he only had 1 PA that he has lusted after many women, masterbated next to me while I was sleeping and used me sexually.<P>I love my H and know I have to forgive to go on with my life. I do not want leave him but I am struggling with how to live with him. He has agreed to counseling/therapy. I feel like such a fool and am ashamed. I physically hurt when I picture the 2 of them together sexaully.

I'm sorry to hear this. Therapy should help get all of the emotional baggage onto the table...for both of you to see and work through TOGETHER. <P>My young marriage is also suffering right now, so I know how damaging all of the events can be on your own psyche. I'm not a therapist, but hang in there, extensively read through this web-site, and remain positive. Things will work out...But, only if both of you want it to, and are willing to take the necessary steps in doing so.<P>We're here for you! Keep your head held high and stay focused on what lies ahead. Your journey may be lonely at times, but you and your marriage will benefit from the lessons you learn along the way. Good luck!<P><BR>brenton<P>p.s. If you have any suggestions for my situation, I'd love to hear from you. <BR>Take Care...

Your H sounds like he regrets what he did. This is a great start. Do try to get into counseling. A good therapist will be able to help you get through the worst part.<P>Also, be sure to read some of NSR's posts. He usually does a personal welcome to all newbies, but he's on vacation for three weeks. Some of his General Welcome post has some great links, and I think it is a little further down on this topic. You might also try to do a general search on the sight for "forgiveness" You are going to have to forgive your H before you can really improve marriage. It will be hard, but you can do it. <P>You are going to hear this a lot while visiting here, but time really does help. It has been nearly 2 months since D-day for me. They have been the longest 2 months in my life, but I am starting to move forward again. I actually do get work done at my job and I even laugh occaisionally. Better yet, my H and I laugh occaisionally.<P>Hang in there. Don't do anything rash. Start immediately in Plan A. If you H is willing to work on the marriage, have him read the boards and work on Plan A. This will be beneficial to both of you. <P>Good luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

How2rebuild,<P>Sorry you are here but you are in a good place. First, you may not realize it but you are most fortunate. Please read here for awhile and you will see what I mean.<P>Go read NSR's post to newcomers on this "Just Found Out" site. Look at the literature carefully. It will help both you and your H overcome what has happened in your marriage.<P>Now let us go over the Good news . <BR>1.)Your H never loved this OW. Your H didn't see her regularly. <P>2]Your H loves you and wants to make the marriage better. <P>3]Your H was honest with you and told you of his affair without you finding out some other way.<P>4]He regrets what he has done.<P>5]He now whats to put your marriage first in his life.<P>6] He has grown up (Couldn't resist this one)<P>Now the bad stuff. <BR>1]You were betrayed. <P>2]you didn't know there was a problem but you realized the marriage was rocky. <P>3]You don't know if you can trust him.<P>4] You hurt like crazy.<P>Well, the good news about these things is that there is a method to overcome your feelings. Right now all of this is fresh in your mind, and it is very painful, but if you and your H go to counseling you will get help. If you read the Harley method you will realize that marriages with far more damage have been recovered.<P>Ironically, there are posters here that, while they don't wish an affair on anyone, well tell you that their marriages are better than ever, because it forced open lines of communication. It forced each spouse to examine where they could improve on their contribution to the marriage, Plan A, and examining his needs / her needs. It made them both realize what they could lose.<P>So have hope. Your marriage can be made better than before. You have an H that is willing to work on it and he wants you and your marriage.<P>Keep posting and please read the stories of peoples lives as they unfold here. You will gain a great appreciation for the whole process of marriage and how people can recover from some very painful experiences.<P>God Bless,<P>JL