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#401389 07/04/00 04:20 AM
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Lhomme Offline OP
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Background Me-37 W-30 OM-48<BR>children 4yrs/2yrs...Married 6 <P>Any Advice...I discovered my wife's deciet<BR>in Feb of 2000, actually I have become a pretty good detective. Well anyway I have been dealing with this since then. Now we decided to stay together for the children 2yr,4yrs old. I have been a stay at home father for almost 4 years, so my career is stalled and my worth in the job market is so so. My wife came up with a plan to buy a house and we share the children and live like roomates. The only four positvies I see are 1. the kids have both parents involved in their lives on a fulltime basis 2. gives me time to implement plan a. 3. The OM is apparently leaving the area in a few months. 4. Gives me time to jump start my career. I would just like to get someones oppinion on this. I love my wife, but it is very painful to sit back and watch this affair go on. I Do not want to leave my children so I have agreed to this plan. But nothing is written in stone. Any Thoughts?<BR>Should I stay or Go and save whatever self respect that I have. <P>Lhommesucre Translation (French) <BR>"The Sweetman"<P>P.S. She is not into trying to recommit to the marriage at this point. She told me she is tired of trying and wants a break, also she wants no expectations from either of us<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Lhomme (edited July 04, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Lhomme (edited July 04, 2000).]

#401390 07/04/00 05:16 AM
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lhomme, so sorry you are going through this. This is especially difficult due to the kids.<P>However, having said that..I think that even though she is saying she is staying for the kids......that is a good place to start.<P>Remember that what she is saying right now is all said in a fog....<P>There are many here, who upon discovery, were able to really go full force into plan A while their WS remained living with them. Also, the fact that the OP is moving is great.<P>Have your read the info on plan A and plan B. Hopefully someone who has better computer experience will pull up the welcome threads...on plan a 101 and plan b 101.<P>The concepts here in the home section of MB are a great place for information. <P>REmember, "romantic" love is conditional and based on meeting unmet emotional needs. You say that your wife is tired of trying?? What have you both done to deal with the problems in your marraige??? Have you tried counseling??? I have counseled with S.Harley via phone (by myself since H moved out) and have found him helpful in explaining affairs and the MB concepts!!<P>Also remember that the WS is unwilling to work on the marraige while the affair is still going on. Once the affair ends the WS is usually ready to work on the marraige.<P>I think you have a great opportunity to get your marraige on track. There are many of us (me) whose spouses never said a word to us about problems then when affair discovered or even before discovery leave saying there is nothing that can be done.<P>ANd many of these marraiges reconcile. That's because affairs are just a symptom of a problem....and are based on lies, deceit and fantasy.....<P>Read, read, read....post questions.....and you'll get a lot of great advice!!!!

#401391 07/04/00 06:33 AM
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I'm in similar situation, length of marriage and kids age, my H (WS)'s attitude and etc. I'd say stay. My H always talks about moving out or travelling alone, and still had not cut contact off from the OW. It is so painful eveyday but at least he's around me and kids yet, I'm hoping this thick fog over his head will clear even a little while we are still together. In order to reach that point I need to keep doing PlanA. I don't know how long it's going to take, I'm suffering so much I start disliking him, but at least he's not talking negative things all the time lately, maybe it's a good sign. You still have a good chance, and she is your children's mother after all, that is a big advantage to you, because I believe mother's love for children is very very strong like mine. Also when someone takes care of kids for long time like you do, the bond between you and kids becomes so special, your W and you have the strongest reason to stay, that is good. In my case I know my H loves his kids very much but he's drifting between being himself or commiting to his family. It is sad. Anyway please keep post and read, watch changes in you and your W, things don't stay same, you can lead them to good.<P>Prayers

#401392 07/04/00 09:03 AM
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Lhomme Offline OP
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Test<P>

#401393 07/07/00 02:32 PM
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You know, L'homme, no one can answer this question except you. You know you don't want to stay in this relationship the way it is currently. And, do you really want your kids to grow up seeing you and your W at odds--which they will no matter how hard you try to hide it. So, it is up to you to make this relationship work! Yes, it truly sucks that this is how it has to be, but face it, your W is having her needs met somewhere else. She doesn't understand that she still loves you or needs you. She probably isn't even sure of your feelings towards her. I would stay for awhile certainly. Try to get your marriage to a better place. If you can do this, you won't even need to ask yourself this question.

#401394 07/08/00 11:37 PM
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As others have said, only you can determine what you can tolerate at this point. Your reasons for going along are good. However, I would caution you over getting into a new financial situation involving a new house and mortgage. In rare circumstances, should YOU be the one to leave. Buying a house can be very stressful, something neither one of you need right now. But working together to buy it can help. However, the arguments that may arise may devastate you both.<P>Why do you have to move? If the OM moves, is there a risk your wife will go with him?

#401395 07/10/00 12:16 PM
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Lhomme Offline OP
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Thanks to all for their input, I guess for the moment I am going to stay and try my best with plan A, if not for the marriage then for the children...after spending so much time with them for 4 years of being a SAHF, it is really difficult to leave them...<BR>I left for six weeks and relaized I missed my family and home, plus I left a trail of LB's in my wake not leaving the W with good feelings about me...I guess, the children are the last thread of hope that keeps us together...It is just so difficult to implement plan A with the knowledge of the on going affair...I just can't stop thinking of all that has happened, the images, the lies, and the betrayal...It is very hard to stay focused on her needs...If they only knew<BR>how it felt..the pain, the pain.

#401396 07/10/00 12:33 PM
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Lhomme,<P>I have read your posts but didn't really have much to say. Having reread them I would like to make some suggestions. One Plan A is for you not your W. So first does she have legitimate complaints about you not meeting her needs? If so see if you can fix them. <P>Second, if she really just wants to be friends you are going to have to get into the job market again. Start searching for a job, a good job, and start now.<P>You may like staying home with the children, but if it comes to divorce you will have to go back to work no matter so you might as well do it, now and be ready. It will also show her that there is a cost to her affair and that you will leave. It may seem that she wants that, but really from what you said she doesn't.<P>Why do I say that? Her suggestion of the "roommates" thing with a new house. She wants her cake and eat it too. Further, if you two divorce she has to address herself to the children and she doesn't want that. Finally, this helps ease her guilt. <P>You got a post from Max about Tough Love approach. Well, whether you go with the Harley approach or the other, they are really the same. Just stated differently. You Plan A, but you set boundaries. Plan A is not about being a doormat. It is about changing your behavior.<P>Finally,is there the possibility that your W has lost respect for you? I know , I know this is a politically incorrect question, but I am a politically incorrect guy [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] and older to boot. Is it possible she feels you are dependent on her and therefore will have to take whatever she has to dish out. You know women are new at being in the upper hand financially and my experience is that they don't handle it very well. No role models, no experience, whatever, often they don't do it well.<P>So the getting a job, may also set off some alarms in your W. <P>Just some thoughts, that came to me from reading your threads.<P>Good luck and God Bless,<P>JL


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