Gentle nudge to the TOP.<p>If you're so inclined, please add your profile information to this MB thread.<p>Important Note: Be sure to read the first post by NSR where there's a caveat by an MB Moderator (Tempest) before adding your info.<p>Love,
Jo

I am BS. see my detail on roll call.
A chronology:
First D-day Oct'1996 from phone log, WW cried and promise no-contact to OM. "You are never here to talk to". I had a problem w/ porn for a few months prior,I stopped it right there too. 3 weeks later found OM's check book in the car. Never trusted her again, try to take her word for it, accidental contact.

May 1997 Purchase a 6 units fixer upper apartment. WW LB everyday

July 1999 Fall into Depression and skipped paying any bill. BIL pull me out.

January 2000 Move into one of the unit.

July'2000 sign of A but I am blinded. WW said the usual line ... need space, to think over and so on and say that she stayed over with old couples that try to help her out. :mad

January'2001 Fall into depression, again BIL help me out.

Febuary'2001 WW stays behind for D birthday trip to Disneyland. LB by buying viagara from the net since I thought something wrong w/ me.

March'2001 I stopped sex since she just stayed like a log, fell back to internet porn again. she say why don't we just be freind, and see if we find someone else more suitable.

April'2001 my 2 D try to tell me a mustach man have accidental contact 3 times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> LB, I am trying to ask her best freind/relative to what is wrong. Almost falling to a trap of A ... only touching her cheek and stop short when "freind" very receptive & agrresive... a major turn off. "Freind" tells WW and WW make a major show by calling everyone in the family to show what a [censored] I am.

August'2001 WW stay behind for 2 D National championship.

August 18'2001 WW cell phone bill came and I took the detail log and leave the main page (AT&T make mistake sending the detail) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Order through www.discretdata.com for unlisted OM phone, found address. It is under OM's grandma. Start snooping/sleuthing to see how deep is the problem. Let FIL & BIL know about the A since WW "get lost" for a few days w/ no contact.

August 23'2001 Become WS ... buy sex ... could not enjoy it and even throw up afterward ...

September 6, 2001. Could not hold my emotions, confronted WW & OM while they are in the parking lot. WW choose OM and left.

September 8, 2001. Start calling relative and family to look for W since there is no news. -A exposed to the day light-.

September 9, 2001. WW calls and say could she go home and see the 2 D ?. I let her in w/o any provision :mad big dumbo. WW just walk in and walk all over and say "I live here too". Daze and confused on how shameless WW became, I am speechless.

September 10, 2001. Trying to trash my body w/ buying sex.

September 13, 2001 send letter to FIL stating that I am not responsible for her daughter since she doesn't want M no more.

Found red nissan parked around the OM appt, get the name out from the DMV. It is OM from the past !!! . Use www.ussearch.com to check background and so on. Found the old phone number that is exsisted, again use www.discretedata.com to get the address, it was OM work phone number. Go to plannedparenthood to do STD screening !!! and get Hepatis shots. I become doormat of the year, she in and out as she like till today.

September 21'2001 found MB website & bought the books and registered as redhat. Get help from Steve ... WW get to call in by herself "to help me understand her justification of her A to Steve" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Found my strength in God and let HIM show me HIS WILL. Plan A officially starts.

December 21-28'2001 taking trip to Bend to get away from WS fo a week. Spending my 39 birthday alone. Draw the limit for my plan A.

Febuary 04'2002 Steve Harley told me to talk to OM. I did ... what a mind and emotional control I have to give. Look for my post at GQ II.

March 6' 2002 Go to court house and found an RO ... an RO on OM'W against my WW & OM. Turn out to be my WW is OW.

March 8'2002 Talk to OM'W and get more info that hit me very low. My WW is OW from hell.

March 11'2002 My WW file for Dv and I was served on March 22'2002.

March 23'2002 Tape from snooping show that WW & OM didn't trust each other <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

April 5'2002 Mediation for CC & on 4/08 my 2 D was interviewed by social worker.

April 17'2002 Moral victories, social worker gave me CC and only visitations right for her.

April 24'2002 The judge adopts social worker's recomendation ... I am the primary custodian. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

May 1'2002 WW moved out from OM apt. to a distant city. OM stayed there when my 2 D are not w/ my WW.

May 15'2002 More evident that OM lied to WW and she is so blinded that she could not see it through.

June 17'2002 OM dragged his feet to delay his own Dv. It is posponed 'till August, one day before mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

July 8'2002 CC reviews ... my WW want to press 50-50. I argue for 100% legal and 70-30%physical. I can not afford financially to maintain my 2 D activities if it moves from the original temporary order.

August'2002 Judge ordered 50-50 but finacial stays the same. I asked for change of status, I am done with my WW. I don't want to wait no more ... she has it until 12/31/02, my finalized Dv.

Nov'2002 I got laid off ... I am actually know this but do nothing about it. I need the extra time (7 months severance).

Dec'2002 WW still in la la land ... and my status is Dv man. I hopped full force at match.com and Yahoo!Personal.

Jan'2003 OM is Dv. OMW get full custody, OM don't want his kids.

Feb'2003 After almost 6 months of 2x4, OMexW starts to see 50-50 she wants OM back, way before from 90%. She is not honest with herself and with me. But who can after 20+years of R and under control of OM. She tries to date others but fail to bring herself up to it. OM beat my exW (bruise cheek) and my exW bit OM, this is the second time within 1 year. BIL came to visit.

Mar'2003 OMexW told me she got confirmation that her ex was slepping with guy too. BISEXUAL. Oldest D fractured her arm & this is the first time in about a year ex & I has to see face to face. I ignored her and only answer bussiness only questions.

Apr'2003 Still plan C w/ my ex. My youngest D want to talk to co-parenting conselor. Don't know what she will talk about. She is pissed that OM is around her and her wish is being ignored by my ex. Still out of work but not looking hard at all. A bit tired of OMexW, she needs help to move on and she is circling around her anger. I send her Private Lies & Self Matter ... hope she could realize that it is in her own hand to move on.

May'2003 Run out of severance payment and get a "part time" job that just enough to pay the bill. Hearing was on end of May: CS&SS reduces to $1K/month from $3K+ and ExW was asking for $4.5K !!!, bless the judge heart he knew that I wasn't making enough and if he granted her request I would have to give her all my paycheck.

June'2003 Reality hit A, no money. OM got a bruise ribs. ExW didn't take her time with 2 D for Regional competition, no money she claimed. I remember well she said the same thing then she went to Hawaii with OM. I have 1 extra week w/ my 2 D <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . She kept 2 D for fathers day "to punish me" since she claimed that I took 2 D away from her during mom day. Actually we were waiting for her call and she didn't come on mom day.

July'2003 I got my 2 D to National and one of them won Girl Elementary Inline Single silver medal. ExW wants to settle now and get a date on Sept 9'2003. Good this will free me to persue R .

Sept'2003 My ExW didn't want to settle, even the mediator told her that she would not get any better offer than this. We will go to trial. Meanwhile my finance is collapsing, have assets but can't touch it under court order. I know I will survive this ...

<small>[ September 27, 2003, 03:53 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

-Married 1994
-H 32 ,me 31
-2 beautiful children
-Was supicious of PA many times in M
-97' was accused of making a pass at my brothers GF at a party than giving her a black eye.
-Saw a C for 2 months than stoped
-Found e-mails from other woman with pictures attached.(through out M)
-DDay November 1, 2001 found cell phone invoices (he racked up a $1200 bill in a 3 mon. period)
- 11-01-01 threw all his sh*t on the front lawn and told him to get out.(instead he spent the night in a hotel room close to where the OW lives.)
-11-04-01 started to see a C
-Then the games began..he wants to stay,he doesn't want to stay, I make him happy, I make him miserable, he loves me but is not in love with me. YADDA YADDA YADDA
-H is still in fog and believes I am over reacting and I should "get over the fact OW is a part of his life as a good friend"<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: ARPOW ]</p>

here is mine<p>M 13 yrs.
4 kids 12, 11, 8, 6.
DDay Sept 27, 2001.
knew something was up 1 month prior.
Moved out Oct 16, 2001, back in 3 weeks later, sleeping on couch
W and I still talk but only as friends.
Plan A from beginning, started right Plan A DDay+21
No commitment from W to begin recovery<p>Will it ever end?<p>[ November 25, 2001: Message edited by: loveherstill ]</p>

11-24-01
-Married 8 yrs together 12
-2 boys,5 & 7 (mostly with me)
-I am 36
-W is 30
-OM is 50+
-WW began riding on the back of OM's Harley 3+ months ago
-6 weeks ago admited to A. Claims to have had sex twice and both realized it was a mistake.
-W has been living with OM for 5 weeks.
-I have been a serial infidel, and a neglectfull husband.
-I believe OM is the father figure that W never had thus the basis for EA. (Not giving up resonsibility just offering insite)
-We are seeing seperate C
-Found MB site first week in November 01. (What an eye opener)
-11-22-01 got 3 months to prove self.
- Trying to spend as much time togeather as W allows. (at minimum we meet for lunch daily + time to exchange the kids)<p>Thanks
Rev

I discovered I never posted on this thread... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Is it about time?<p>On dday (4/20) OW's H called me up, told me he saw the two of them the night before.<p>My world turned upside down.<p>I called some friends to get more info, called OW and confronted her, she denied. Then I confronted my H when he came home. He denied for 10 min and broke down, asked for a second chance.<p>I LB'd big time for 3 days. Then I discovered this site. Started my planA, although it wasn't good at first.<p>H stopped seeing OW. She called him at work a couple of times. He never volunteered that info. I tried planA. H was in withdrawal.<p>Up and down. I started to see a counselor 2 months after dday. Then I got H into a few joint sessions, which ended up disaster. I kept counseling for myself after that.<p>I struggled and tried to planA. Tried everything I could think of, to meet his ENs. Error and trial.<p>Started to feel like a human in about 6 months. H was not doing much in marriage building.<p>Moved to another state 8 months after dday. That helped a LOT.<p>Went back to OW's town a year later just to visit. H had no idea how uncomfortable I was. We started to talk about his A and my feelings without getting upset.<p>H started to meet my needs, without knowing it. He's trying, anyway. It's been about 20 months.<p>We are happy now. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'm still trying too.

Here's Mine.

* Me : BS/23
* W : WS/27
* OM : OM/26
* Met : 8/97
* Moved In : 9/97
* Got Married : 10/00
* W Had EA/PA : 11/01
* W Moved Out : 11/19/01
* OM Moved In With W : 12/10/01
* I Found MB : 12/14/01 (Plan A)
* Enlightenment : 12/24/01
* W "Officially" Doesn't Want To Work On M Anymore. : 01/06/02
* Plan B Letter Sent : 01/07/02
* "Acceptance" : 01/09/02
* Hit By A 2x4. (No, Not Literally) : 01/14/01
* Back To Plan A : 01/14/02 (Time to plan A my butt off).
* W Decides to come "Home" : 1/16/02
* OM back in NY : 01/21/02
* W joins MB as lostwife : 01/21/02
* W Leaves for good? : 09/29/02

* Torizo@hotmail.com

Things are starting to get better, one day at a time.

<small>[ October 02, 2002, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: Torizo ]</small>

Wow Redhat, just read your profile. You have been through it havent you. You must be some strong person is all I can say. To have put up with all of that. Of course never thought I could deal with all of this. Guess when you need it, the strength is there huh. How are you doing with all of this now?.. How are things with you and WW? I was really blown away when I read all of this just now. I'm truly sorry for you. I know its painful once , so cant imagine. Well, Im here if you ever need an ear. Thank you for being there for me. Take care ...Linda

wife keep leaving to go to work out for mounths.
not sure what really happened there or not.
Trusted her to go out with her frinds all time,
says " it was a one night thing "
getting beyond the fact that it might not have been. Do not know the OM and dont want to know. Plan Aing since the begining. She hates me and wants to leave everyday. I cry and pray everynight for guidince and reading "Surviving an affair" and "Infidelity a servial guide"
See blames me bigtime for her terrible 9 years.
Talks of moving out now all the time.
Day by day ..it WILL get better.

Here's my story:
WH - 44
BW - 48
One S - 16
Married 22 years<p>June 2001 - WH seduced by OW. Affair begins.
Oct 2001 - DDay
Nov 2001 - Husband moves out for 1 month.
Dec 2001 - Husband moves back. Plan A begins.
Apr 2002 - Start counseling with Steve. WH starts school for distraction.
May 2002 - Husband moves out for 1-1/2 weeks ostensibly so he can study for a test without distraction.
June 2002 - ?

Married for 20 years
2 children
D Day June 12, 2001

My H had an internet affair. I found out when he was suspended from work due to the amount of work time he spent on the computer and the phone to OW. It was by the grace of God he wasn't fired. He spent 90% of his work time talking with OW.

The excuses he gave for the trouble at work didn't add up and I started snooping. He left a trail of evidence on the home computer. Wish I had access to his work computer....

He was demoted and put on probation at work. His job is our only source of income, as I'm a full time mother/wife. His demotion created financial strains on the family.

This is his 2nd A to my knowledge. The first one was person to person. We had only been married 2 years and as he put it "he went stupid, there was nothing wrong with our relationship at the time". With that one we went to counseling. With this one due to financial reason's we have not been able to go to counseling. We were to correct our problems on our own. Rebuild with each other's help. There has basically been no healing and no rebuilding.

The pain, fears,no trust, the betrayal is eating me alive. We have been existing with each other. Going nowhere fast. I have started to seek help per the internet on sites such as this one. Planning to begin counseling within the next couple of weeks.

Praying we are able to rebuild and create a better relationship.

Unsure of the future....

bump

Update Below.

<small>[ September 29, 2002, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: jimtex1 ]</small>

New Member – Going Better that Expected

jimtex1962@yahoo.com

Male 40
WS - she is 40
Together 20 years
D-Day was September 1, 2002
Three affairs with different men all at the same time, all between 6/01 & 8/02
All were emotional & physical
Plan A in effect from day one
OM#1 - Married (former HS / college BF)
OM#2 – Single (divorced) - Met while with her best friend
OM#3 – Single (divorced) – Former boyfriend
No talk of divorce with WS
We have children.
WS began therapy 6/02 (was unknown to me). Me – as of 9/23 seen her therapist 1x alone & 1x as a couple.
Test for STD’s negative. All A’s were unprotected.
No drugs/ no alcohol/ no dependency /no prior abuse issues.
Total surprise, not a clue, great sex life, I suspect childhood conflict with parents.

The facts listed above pretty much say it all. She told me what was happening as soon as she knew that I knew. I feel lucky to have had 24 hours to collect my thoughts before she admitted the A’s. I delayed immediate confrontation in order to decide what I wanted to do and how best to handle the situation. That’s when I stumbled upon MB.

The pain was unreal. I made the decision to save my marriage to the best of my ability. To do what ever was necessary. I love my wife. Our children deserve a mother and father in a loving relationship. We have a unique opportunity to build something stronger than before. I became committed to the suggestions in Plan A & it has worked beautifully. Thank goodness I was able to collect my thoughts and have a plan before she knew that I knew.

From the beginning, my Plan A consisted of two promises to myself. Promise #1 – we will not have sexual relations until all contact with the OM is stopped. Promise #2 - we will not have sexual relations until the presence or absence of STD’s is known.

I also asked her to terminate all contact with the OM’s forever. I knew she did not love them but that they gave her a high to which she is addicted. I did not want to establish a deadline for the terminations but made it clear that we cannot be husband and wife if she maintains contact. She agreed that the physical contact with the OM would stop immediately but she had difficulty in accepting no contact by any means. She was concerned for there feelings.

Three days after D-Day I began snooping & spying. I found all of her e-mails and read everything. Now that hurt. All the details about the lies, her accomplice friends, the graphic sex details, everything. She did a wonderful job of chronicling. Yes I became enraged. I found that she had yet to tell me the whole truth. On D-day I had asked her specific questions regarding protected sex and whether any of the OM’s had been in our home. Without the e-mails I would have never found the truth (more lies in her case. The e-mails were a blessing and have helped me. I can deal with the known; it’s the unknown that drives me crazy

I want to get better. She says she wants to get better. She says she loves me. Maybe I’m a fool…but I believe her.

WS contacted the OMs one by one within three days of D-Day. I did apply slight pressure to break off all contact. I just kept saying that we cannot be husband and wife until there is absolutely no contact. I was most worried about OM#1 & OM#3. She loved both before we met. She had a history with them. It is my opinion that OM#1 made the first transgression easy for her, which made the others even easier. None of the OM resides in the same town. OM#2 lives in our hometown. I am proud of her and she is proud of herself.

I was and remain prepared to go to Plan B. But I’m going to Plan A the hell out of this first. I told her that I will not spy (I have kept that promise). I kept telling myself that she’s got to do this on her own or it’s worth nothing. The funny thing was that she now remembers why she left OM#1 prior to our meeting for the first time. She saw the ugliness that repulsed her from him so many years ago. He was upset to learn that she was sleeping around on him! Can you believe it? Her really lit into her. I think that immediately drained her bank for OM#1

I’m angry with my wife, the OMs, and my wife’s friends that covered for her. I want them to hurt also. Honestly, I’m glad that the OM were worried to learn that I know where they live and who they are. OM#1 is scared to death his wife is going to be told. He needs to tell her himself. I know I should not do anything to reduce our odds of saving our marriage. I am committed to saving our marriage and just keep reminding myself of that.

I do not trust my wife at this time. However, I know that if we make it through this we will have something incredible. I feel up to the challenge. I’ve not been focused like this in a long time. Yes, I’m hurt but I want my wife more than ever. She wants to be with me too.

As of 9/23 the Plan A principals have been a blessing for my relationships with not only my wife but also my children and friends. Showing respect, no outbursts, and no or few demands (only those that can be enforced) has made conflict more palatable.

She recently deleted the OM’s telephone numbers in her cell phone (she told me about that as I refuse to spy). She swears there has been no contact of any means. She has showed me her cell phone bills but I know that really does not say a whole lot other than she is trying. She’ll call (or the OM’s will) if that’s her/their desire. I did not like the numbers remaining in the cell phone but only she can/must delete them. Her withdrawal is getting better.

She really wants my trust. I want to give it to her. She will earn my trust eventually and some of that depends on my ability to cope and reconcile this awful event.

In the meantime, we have regularly scheduled visits to the therapist (individually and as a couple). We are reading up on as much info as possible. (SAA, His Needs – Her Needs, Getting the Love You Need, Keeping the Love You Get). We are both trying very hard…what else can one ask for? Patience really is a virtue.

We entered a marriage saving program called Retrovaille in October 2002. It was wonderful. It gave us time to flush out issues in a comfortable environment. It's going to be a very nice holiday season.

Things are going well. We are communicating like never before. Better yet, we respect each other. Truth and honesty abound. I still have difficult times but they become more infrequent with the passage of time. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild but it can be rebuilt. It just takes time and hard work.

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: jimtex1 ]</small>

Why not?
I am BS-26
WW is 25
We met in high-school
I proposed at her senior prom in '95
married 2 mos later 06/24/1995
first son born 12/21/1995
second son born 12/26/1995(appearently we still haven't figured out what caused this
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
son #3 born 10/07/1999(this one's on purpose)
that same year i take promotion that takes 12-16 hour days 6-7 days a week--we move to another city as part of job
WW begins A with good friend of mine almost immediately
A goes on and off for almost 2 years
after 1 year of new job I realize M is suffering and I leave job-take huge paycut but M gets better
I learn of A with "friend" and have a ONS. I don't confront WW or friend about R
financial strain takes toll on M so take take job with previouse company
WW continues A with my "friend" whom I also now work for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
late 2001 WW takes job at sportsbar (job is well beneath her abilities)
in Jan 2002 she ends R with OM#1
a few weeks later she jumps into R with OM#2--begins as EA for about 3mos then becomes PA
she lets him drive my car and even takes my kids to his house--A is with her friends little brother (he is 6 years younger than WW) WW's "friend" encourages A
7/02 R with OM#2 ends with fight in bar-she jumps right into bed with OM#3 to "get even" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
8/02/02 WW asks for D
8/10/02 I read WW's journal and learn of OM's#2+3-I move in with mother
few days later I find MB (one of best days of my life)--realize I am NOT alone
begin Plan A immediately
09/02 i get ready for Plan B when WW's head pokes out of fog--things are getting better

I am the WH.
Married 13 years.
One DD (age 13) from this marriage.
One DD (age 25) from previous marriage.
D-Day 10/8/2001 fo EA with OW on the internet. But did not end communication immediately. Spoke to pastor once and DW came the second time.
Ended EA after counseling and DW agrees to give me second chance.
Appx.11/2001--5/2002 We try to work things out w/o counseling.
5/15/2002--DW discovers I have gone to chat room in city where OW lives and I had changed my screen name back to one that I was using at time of original EA. DW announces marriage is over.
Although I had no contact with OW since October I admit to still being curious and attempting to find her in May.
5/2002 I read SAA
6-7/2002 I apologize to MIL, FIL, DD1&2, and my family.
6/2002 I begin Individual counseling with Christian therapist.
7/19/2002 DW sees same therapist, but only once.
8/16/2002 DW and 13 yr old DD move 500 miles away.
I send daily communication by email to DW.
9/10 DW and DD age 13 come down for a weekend visit. But no change in status.
10/11 I drive up for visit. DW and DD are living with friends but their son also living there is verbally abusive to everyone including his own family. DW asks me to take DD back home with me. But, if anything, our chances of reconciling seem dimmer.

Here goes:

Married 6 years, together for nearly 9. We have 1 child (boy, 18 mos).

W had PA #1 with OM #1 6/00, and another PA with OM #2 also in 6/00 while traveling (1 business trip, the other at high school reunion). We were trying to get pregnant at time, succeeded 3 months after. OM #1 and #2 were 1 night stands. I didn't know or suspect at the time, although in retrospect there were certainly signs of trouble. The pregnancy, birth and development of our son provided a focus for both of us that allowed us not to think about the problems. However...

W had EA/PA with OM #3 starting in 3/02, lasting through 9/02. I became suspicious 4/02, but did not confront W until 9/02 because I was simply in denial. I started spying on her in 6/02 after discovering some suggestive but inconclusive evidence, and it took me 3 months to get the hard evidence I needed. At first she denied it, but when I threatened divorce she admitted to not only OM #3, who I knew about, but also to OM #1 and #2, who I didn't know about (all single men). Oddly enough, as painful as that revelation was, it went quite a ways towards me believing that she will be radically honest with me from now on.

We have agreed to try reconciliation. The wounds are still very raw, however. Without the Harleys' book SA I wouldn't have seen a path to recovery. W sent letter to OM #3 calling an end to further contact the week after d-day. I believe she will not try to contact him, and vice versa, but I am having trouble believing that she will not just go out and find #4,#5, etc. We'll see. Unfortunately, her job requires travel, and this is how she ended up with OM #1. She is going on her first trip this weekend, and I am terrified.

Update (Dec. 02): W broke NC agreement in Oct with phone call to OM #3. I did a lot of LBing, but we worked through it. I believe she has not had contact since. We started MC in November, and it is going reasonably well. The counselor suggested a paternity test, and after much discussion, W has agreed. I am almost certain that he is my son, but the gesture from my W is very touching. My main worry now is that she is not getting what she needs from the MC.

<small>[ December 16, 2002, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: 3xLoser ]</small>

**bump***

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

***bump****