Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4
#402128 09/22/00 11:40 AM
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Annc,<P>Wondering if all this is worth it, seems to be the major pass time on this board. You are not unique. I will tell you one thing. You H does love you or he wouldn't be there. He wouldn't be dealing with what he sees in your eyes everyday, and how you feel everyday. I am sure he notices these things.<P>He is probably questioning himself more than your are questioning him right now. Now especially with losing a job on top of everything else. Annc, you aren't missing out on anything by trying. You are learning many things, that will help you in the rest of your life, no matter how the marriage works out. <P>I personally think it will work out, but I think you will grow and learn from this and become a woman you can respect and your H can respect. So hang in there, keep learning, and keep growing (T&P for you young Lady! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ).<P>God Bless,<P>JL

#402129 09/23/00 03:30 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
Thank you, JL!!! I do not like rollercoasters - and this is definitely been the rc ride of life - steep hills and deep valleys.<BR>Will keep posting and venting here and getting all the incredible support.<BR>Do you think I ought to move to Recovery board???<BR>As always,<BR>A

#402130 09/24/00 11:39 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
OK, JL,<BR>Crown me the queen of stupid!!!!!and naive, and whatever! Midweek I got into an im session with OW!! Yes, stupid, I admit!<BR>She was telling me how sorry she is, etc. blah, blah, blah. Instead of telling her to take a hike, I talked to her!!!(once off, I asked myself why I didn't tell the b...off - she tried to ruin my marriage and family and here I was being civil to her!!!!!????) she said H really loves me; I expressed concern; she said she and her H are experiencing the rebuilding trust issue, too; she said her A with my H wasn't about money or security(well, if she brought it up, don't you think it was a factor???)etc.... then, she asked how my H is doing - and naive, honest, STUPID me tells her that he is down, I am concerned!! Then, she had to get off real fast!!! Once off, I realized, omg,what did I just do??? She is obviously still missing him and I played right into her hands!! Gave her an opening to call and check on him... I didn't get the chance to explain that he is down due to all the hurt he has caused, job, etc. Now she probably thinks it is because he misses her!!! Yes, I was born yesterday! I could kick myself - I am not good on my feet when caught off guard!! So, I planned to tell H when he returned from his trip - he has been gone since Weds. a.m. Well, I picked him up at airport tonight, we went to dinner, I am dressed to kill(but did he notice? - no)- When we get home, girls are not here - when they return, I am angry and unload about their behavior while H was gone. So, eldest gets her revenge and turns spotlight on me - that all I did was talk to "his woman" on the computer!!! As I said, I had planned to follow open and honesty policy and tell him - yet I knew he was tired and not a good time to discuss - would wait til tomorrow. Yet, D beat me to it - they walked in during im session; I didn't think they saw, but they did! So, H unleashes at me!! how can I continue to bring her into our house??? it's over, etc, etc. Very angry with me - of course, I retorted that I wasn't the one who brought her into our house in the first place and I have done nothing wrong - he is the one who had the A!!! And, I added that he bought into D's manipulation to take spotlight off her and make me the bad guy. I told him I had planned to tell him, but decided to wait when he wasn't so tired - admitted that I used bad judgement, that I am naieve- trusting - stupid!!! and did not think on my feet and regretted and thought what I should have done after the fact. He continued to blame and blast me - I told him I have had it; I am tired of being the bad guy and taking blame for the situation he created!!! That he can pack his bags!!! And, I really feel this way - I have had it!<BR>Then, our nephew calls - H's Mom is not doing well - may have to go to Duke Hospital tomorrow. OK, one more thing to deal with!!<P>What to do now???? I really do not give our situation much hope - H is an avoider; will not deal with this situation. Yes, I was wrong and admit it, but it does not compare to what he did!!! I am tired of being blamed: I am tired of no intimacy and affection. I just want him to be open; and treat me with love. I want him to go to counseling - we have too much garbage on our pile for us to handle, yet he refuses!!! which tells me our relationship doesn't mean enough...<BR>Things seem to be getting worse instead of better...<BR>I am sleeping in guest room tonight - tired of dealing with ....<BR>God bless, <BR>A<p>[This message has been edited by Annc (edited September 24, 2000).]

#402131 09/25/00 09:32 AM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
PS,<BR>I understand he is under a lot of stress right now; I understand he is probably down, etc - yet, I feel he doesn't need to lash out at me. I feel there isn't a lot of understanding or empathy on his part for me...<BR>Are we having fun yet?? Ha!<BR>A

#402132 09/25/00 09:45 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 146
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 146
Annc,<BR>I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I always come and check on your thread... not much to say, I'm no expert... but just wanted you to know I'm here with you.<P>About counseling, I finally convinced him to come with me 2 weeks ago, but guess what? I had more troubles from being in counseling with him than me working on marriage alone. He offered not to go next one, and I agreed. Seriously. Counseling works lot better just by myself, it's not for a guy like my H. (Did you do personality type test? My H's type ISTJ or INTJ, these guys just don't talk about their feelings, counseling is just a torture for them.)<P>FaithHopeLove and Karenna have been big help for me, they are personality experts mostly on EN section, I think. Try EN, or GQ, lots of wonderful people out there.<P>Also I'm reading "How one of you can bring the two of you together" by Susan Page, FHL recommended. At 1/3 of the book, I feel like "working by myself on the m" is almost better than my H being involved. Especially our case, when WS isn't willing to talk or do anything about it. I haven't finished the book yet but I feel (& act) lot better already, even though my H or the situation hasn't changed much!<P>So... hang in there, I know there are WAY too many bumps in the road we're on. It is hard, but you are not alone. Take care of yourself, I'm praying for you!!!!!

#402133 09/25/00 10:48 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
Hi, Dogbert and Alien,<BR>I appreciate y'all checking in with me!!!<P>HA!, Dogbert - believe me, I think it might be better to have sex only once a month than to have an A!!! Wish the WS's would think a lot more about all the pain and damage they will cause - and I am sorry, but wish the WS, if a man, would think with the right head!!! Would save everyone a lot of grief and heartache - I keep saying to myself, This too shall pass... doesn't seem to even be in passing lane yet. I did happen to get over to EN or GQ the other night when I was up at 3 a.m. - wanted to post, but was too tired to make any sense or sound literate! It does sound like your situation is getting better!!! Isn't it? Please, if ever you think about straying, talk to me first!!!<P>Alien, read some of your posts the other night too. Sounds like you, me, and Lapeine are still in same boat or in same car going over the bumpiest road I have ever been on. It is about to shake my suspension loose it is so bumpy!! Thanks for your insight and encouragement - I certainly am no expert either or feel I can give good advice, but your support means the world to me, and being in same situation helps to know we are about on the same page. Yep, I'd have to agree my H is probably same type as yours - where do y'all take all these personality tests? Read Marie's "Hit a bump in the road" in recovery today - some good stuff, and I can relate to what she is saying. I also feel I do not respect my H, and at times wonder "what is this "prize" I am winning?" Let's keep in touch...<BR>Take care,<BR>A<BR>PS<BR>I will try to get on your posts and talk to more people - I have kinda gone into my cave lately...

#402134 09/26/00 01:20 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 146
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 146
I hope this link thing works...<P> <A HREF="http://www.personalitytype.com" TARGET=_blank>www.personalitytype.com</A> <P>Don't have lots of time right now, but I'll be back! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>[This message has been edited by alien (edited September 26, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by alien (edited September 26, 2000).]

#402135 09/27/00 10:38 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
Dogbert,<BR>I am so sorry you are struggling, but I totally understand!! Yet, please keep trying within your marriage - imagine how it feels to be rejected, then have your spouse seek intimacy elsewhere. Ouch!! I am really struggling with it! I suppose it is because I am not getting much in return right now. Everyone advises me to "relax", be patient, but I know what you mean when you say you are dying inside. It has probably been almost two weeks since we made love - I haven't initiated, hence there has been none.<BR>I just tried the "10 sec. kiss" strategy with H and he literally ran out of the room, wanted nothing to do with it!!! I told him I don't feel he wants me intimately - that I understand he is going through a lot, yet marriage is about meeting one another's needs, not just HIS needs when he chooses. Everything is on his terms - he is too tired, had a long day, the store(to get flowers or a card is not on his way home) - blah, blah, blah. I don't think he cares nor has any idea that he is killing my feelings and love for him. I told him all this tonight and all I heard was "not tonight, I can't discuss this now, I am tired - got up at 5:30 and didn't sleep all night" to which I replied " you went to bed at 9, I went to bed at 11:30 and didn't sleep, got up at same time as you and went to work all day, too - I am just as tired; difference is that you just don't want to "be"with me or go out of your way - it is obvious; when are you going to be honest with me and stop lying;this is not the marriage I want; I want passion and romance, intimacy - not just best friends - I might as well sleep in guest room...you don't care about my needs" - I got: " I don't want to discuss this" - I said, I am still struggling with the fact that you could be that way with someone else, make time for sex,etc, yet I have never turned you down or had "headaches" yet you found the energy and time to be with someone else!!<BR>D, do you see how this wrecks havoc on a marriage? My self esteem with my H is nil, I am not happy, I don't trust him, I don't respect him, and I am beginning to fall out of love with him!!!!! Now, what do I do????<BR>Thank goodness I am going to counselor in a.m. On top of all this I have two teenage daughters who are exercising the typical mother daughter hate thing - all I want to do is run away!!!<BR>Please stick in there and make it work - or if you don't think it will, separate or divorce before you do this kind of damage - trust me, it is not worth it!<BR>A concerned friend,<BR>A

#402136 09/28/00 07:12 AM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
Dogbert,<BR>It's the next morning - I slept in the guest room. Do you think I am being selfish - I know H has a lot on him right now; some may feel I am not being patient or plan Aing enough. Yet, I guess I feel I have tried to show him I am willing to meet his needs - yet, do I keep going on without wanting anything from him? In an earlier post, I said that H listed Affection and SF as 8,9, or 10 on his list of needs, where they were 1 and 2 for me. He thinks that making love ONCE a week is plenty - I said, not for me. Yet, because he doesn't see the need, it doesn't happen... Aren't we supposed to be meeting each other's needs even if they aren't one of our top needs???? Mix hurt and resentment in the batter and I wonder if this will survive. I just don't get it and he isn't helping me "get it"(understand).<P>At least you and your W are having dialogue, right? At least you are communicating? Be thankful for that - I feel like I am the only one communicating.<BR>I long for attention and to feel attractive, too - as you said "dying inside" - and I am at a loss as what to do...<BR>Best of luck,<BR>A

#402137 09/28/00 09:57 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
Hi, D,<BR>Thank you for your reply!<BR>I am trying to assess what is best for me right now...you are right, I feel there is a point where "how much am I going to coddle this man who was wrong and won't really own up?" I just don't know right now - I am not sure how I feel about him at the moment...<BR>I think the A brought a lot of things to a head (what a choice of words) with me and now I am beginning to want more...H has never communicated anything I was or was not doing or anything specific I did or have done. I wish he would - I wish he would just lay it all on the table - I could deal with it so much better! Think about this when you consider what to tell your wife - I think some people hold back in fear of huring the other spouse "to protect them" yet it does not help matters. I feel complete honesty is needed in order to move forward - to know the info, digest it, and decide how to deal with it...<BR>Resentment is a bitter pill - I do not like the way I am feeling right now; I just want some love...I feel my H is emotionally closed and unable to relate at all to how I feel.<BR>You're right - good thing we aren't in a coffee shop!!!!<BR>God bless,<BR>A

#402138 09/30/00 10:16 AM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
Dear Dogbert,<BR>I appreciate your checking in on me...<BR>To answer your question, yes, I would rather have complete honesty - all cards on table. I wish my H had laid all the cards on the table before he had an A so we could have tried to "fix" things and work on them. I always want to know what is going on, and feel I can handle that rather than dishonesty and half-truths...<BR>Can you lay them out in a gentle, concerned way???<BR>Well, last night I tried to initiate and got turned down flat...said, let's wait til the a.m. Well, this a.m. I was told, "I really don't feel like it -I am too stressed, depressed" then he proceeded to talk about his work situation which I know has him down. Yet, here is my rub - last winter when he was in year-end and having to work as many hours, tired, stressed, etc, is when he was having the A!!! I just don't know... as I said, I am going to "observe" and determine if I can continue in this m... I am tired of being last...Yet, I am also the type who has to feel like I have really tried, and I really do not believe in divorce, respect my m vows...<BR>You are sweet to check in on me...I do appreciate it. I usually am not this "down"- I really am a fun person, love to laugh, dance, play, have fun? These past few months have done a number on me... I hate sounding so "down" etc.<BR>God bless,<BR>A

#402139 10/10/00 09:57 AM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
Hey, Dogbert,<BR>Sorry, life has been hectic and I haven't been on here...<BR>What a good post - thanks, I just got through first page and want to continue reading when I can. Are all of you still posting on it?? Would love to jump in...<P>I don't really know the reasons for my H's A except that he tells me he was unhappy - with me, and our d's - life was very stressful with a move, new job, etc. He felt guilty about moving us, etc. And, he was "single" for 4 months before we moved to be with him, which I don't think helped things. I think she laid on the flattery, etc - she is younger, and I feel mlc played a part, too. I am just still in the dark about SF - I am not sure it was a primary factor, I don't know. What is really bothering me is that I have asked him to talk, and help me understand his "lack of desire" - I wrote him some emails last week, nice ones, trying to explain my feelings. He didn't read them til yesterday - got home from work late, and of course "too tired to talk." Tells me to "relax" - he thinks we are doing great. Well, our definition of "great" sure doesn't jive. We were going out Sat night - I had on a lace teddy/thong, with garters and hose. The only reaction I got, was "oh, hot lady" (and this was after walking by several times, ie, it took awhile for him to even acknowledge) - I would think most men would at least try to touch their wife when she is dressed up like that. My frustration level is maxing out - the hurt and rejection is awful. I know he is stressed at work, and I know he is working long hours and is tired, but the point I made to him is that he was in a similar situation at work last jan - march, yet obviously he made time for OW, and must not have been that tired!! I just don't get it, and not talking to me is making things really bad for me. He refuses to acknowledge or recognize the fact that I need more...we cannot just ignore this or our m will not survive. I have told his this, and I get "relax"...<P>AAAARRRGGGHHHHH---<BR>Why does it have to be so complicated??? Why can't two married people try to meet each other's needs and try to make spouse happy????<P>Thanks for letting me vent, as usual...<BR>I will continue reading other post...<BR>Always, A

#402140 10/10/00 10:40 AM
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
"Why can't two married people meet each others needs?"<P>Because one of them is not paying any attention. That would be you Ann. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] You are not listening to a thing he says.<P>He is telling you to relax and what do you do? You rachet up your emotions even higher, your needs higher.<P>You are reading things into events that may have never occurred or where never really thought about. Yes, I know you want to know what is going on here and what went on. However, you are doing yourself no good comparing yourself to a ghost.<P>He wanted her but he doesn't want me. That sort of stuff. It is very clear he wants you or he wouldn't be there. You have just listed a large list of reasons why his sex drive is probably shot right now. Do you want me to repeat them??<P>1. He is over worked.<P>2. He is stressed by his job.<P>3 He feels guilty for moving you and D<P>4. D is acting up because of the move (or at least he perceives that to be the case)<P>5. He feels extremely guilty about the affair.<P>6. He is under tremendous pressure to succeed in this job, because if it is turns out even just OK, then the move was for nothing and he will feel even more guilty.<P>7. He is depressed.<P>8. His W won't let up about the affair. She keeps bring it up directly or implicitly by taking offense if he doesn't respond as she expects. Example, she dress in an alluring fashion and he responds but not fast enough for her. <P>Annc, he is telling you what we all have been telling you. Back off and relax. You are not in a competition for your H. You have him. What has to happen is that you, him, and the marriage have to heal. They have to heal from the move, the behavior of your daughter, and his affair.<P>This all takes time. It takes people willing to take the other at face value. I know this is very hard for you. I know you want things fixed NOW. I know you want explanations for what has happened. But things cannot get fixed NOW and there may be some areas where there is now rational explanation for what has happened.<P>Annc, to coin a phrase: relax. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Seriously, calm down and let everyone get back on their feet emotionally. You H is in a big hole right now. He needs time to figure out how to get out of it.<P>I sure hope something I have said will make sense to you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

#402141 10/10/00 10:28 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
JL,<BR>Everything you say always makes sense - I am just an emotional mess, I guess. There is one point, though - he was stressed, overworked, feeling guilty, etc. last winter - those are reasons for him not wanting sex now, as you said, yet he had an A when he was feeling all those things. I know I seem dense, but that is what I am struggling with - same reasons, yet he did want sex - with someone else. That is what I am not understanding - he was working even longer hours then, too. ??? I never once suspected...<BR>OK, I told H today I am tired of the one way communication and that I am backing off.<BR>I am tired, frustrated, hurt, resentful, and I plan to take care of me - and d's. As you have been telling me - I guess I am in the anger phase??<BR>No one gets a manual on how to act if this ever happens, and it is so hard... what makes it especially hard for me is that my H won't talk, communicate, or go to counseling. So, I am left with wondering, imagining, etc - not good. I like to have the cards on the table... I probably need to take the personality test - my guess is that I am an extrovert and H is an introvert.<BR>Do you know the link for it?<BR>God bless you...<BR>A

#402142 10/12/00 12:54 AM
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Annc,<P>Have you finished reading that book I recommeded for you?? If not reread it. You will get your answers in time. As for why your H had the affair when he was under such stress. I can only guess, but here it is.<P>He was feeling absolutely dead inside. He was grasping for something to make him feel alive, some excitement, feel wanted, even some pain. It couldn't be you because you were already part of his life and he was dead.<P>I'll go even farther. This whole thing isn't about you at all. It was about him trying to feel something. He had the hole in his soul, and he wanted desperately to "feel" something. So when I keep telling you to calm down, I mean it. I doubt it is really about you. However, he has caused you great pain and he sees that now.<P>He gets to add guilt to the list of problems. But he is telling you something else. He is starting to feel again, but he needs time to sort things out. He doesn't trust himself right now and he is afraid he will hurt you more, by letting you in. I doubt he really understands why the affair happened, especially now; after the fact.<P>Annc, you are running around trying to fix something, that cannot be fixed, it must be healed. Do you understand the difference. I can fix a broken computer, but an incision needs to heal. His wound is an incision as is yours. He cannot fix himself or you. You cannot fix him or yourself.<P>So I keep saying T&P for a reason. This is less about you and more about his issues. It would seem from what you have written that he is healing. Sit back, and enjoy what you have. Smile Ann, enjoy the beauty of nature, enjoy the presence of another human being who does want to be with you (that would be H, in case you are interested. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]). <P>Engage him in life, but don't try to fix him. Trying to talk about issues is trying to fix him. Trying to get him to have sex, is a try at fixing yourself. Let it come to you Annc, you won't have to chase it. <P>I know you are frustrated. But much of it seems to be self-induced, because you want to fix the situation. Let it heal. Plan A is about you healing and growing. He will come around. Hold his hand from time to time. Snuggle in bed, but don't ask for more.<P>I can tell you from experience [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com], that my sex drive goes way down when I am under stress, especially if lack of sleep is also present. When I was very depressed it was down. The only saving grace is that my W, has no sex drive [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]. But it wasn't really, I came here to sort all of this out.<P>So I have some idea what your H may be going through. I also know what you are going through, wanting a spouse who desires you and not having that. But Annc, you can make things better for the both of you, if you let things heal and do little things that let him know you forgive him. And do things that make you happy.<P>Keep it up. Hope this helps some.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

#402143 10/11/00 05:08 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
Dear JL and Dogbert - <BR>Thank you for your help and encouragement!! Will try to do a better job of praying, and need to finish the book...<BR>Guess the hurt is seeping out of my wounds - time to get on with things...<BR>I am going to just observe for next few weeks - will keep you posted as to any progress...<BR>What you say makes a lot of sense JL - you are so right, I am a fixer, and I need to accept that this is something I probably can't fix...<BR>Keep in touch...<BR>God bless, A

#402144 10/16/00 08:47 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 248
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 248
[I am a fixer, and I need to accept that this is something I probably can't fix...<P>I the oldest of 7 kids, I was always the one everyone turned to to make things work out between us. I worked so hard and even expected my wife to help hold my family together(3 brothers, 3 sisters, mom and dad deathly ill). I finally came to the point where I knew it wasn't my JOB the fix IT.<BR>I should have made it easier for me and my wife and kids, and let others work at it if it was important to them. All the time and effort I wasted. Be good to yourself and your daughter, and husband, you will feel better.

#402145 10/17/00 07:50 AM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
Hey, JL, Dogbert, Daniel, et al,<BR>Thank you again for your help...<BR>Took youngest D to counselor yesterday. Oldest views me as weak for staying in m, this one thinks I am "stupid" - said that her Dad doesn't treat me very nice, never does anything for me or acts like he loves me. Whereas, I on the other hand, give him cards, notes, tell him I love him, etc - that I am "too much in love." Both said they would not stay...<BR>OK - out of the mouth of babes... maybe they are right - as I have been saying for past few months - maybe this just isn't the "place" for me. Had a talk with H this weekend: said A was not motivated by sex - he was unhappy with me, etc.; said he had been calling that service where you can talk to women because he was "bored"-would not "own up" or discuss anything else; said that he is not the "Harley" ideal - can't live up to it; "said" he loves me - bought me a necklace last May - he "has" done stuff for me - doesn't see need to buy cards or flowers, even though I told him I need it - for reassurance, etc. Wants to "lighten up" not discuss, just have fun - let things happen - let sex be spontaneous; thinks I am putting too much importance on it - it should "just happen" ...<P>Well, I am sitting back - taking care of myself and D's - wondering about this "prize" I have "won" - time will tell about "staying" - <P>A

#402146 10/17/00 09:56 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
Ann...<P>I don't think I've replied to you on this thread, tho I stop in every now and then.<P>Let me just give you a brief POV...<P>First, it is not wrong for you to want him to meet your needs. But, it probably isn't going to happen til his depression & stress lift. You are getting all upset bcs this guy isn't doing "his share", but right now that's kinda like asking someone who is recovering from a heart attack to go climb Mt Everest.<P>Secondly, you seem to be having strong doubts about whether to stay in the marriage or not. You need to decide this...the indecision is what is killing you.<P>Think back to what he was like before the affair...was there a person there that you truly loved & enjoyed? If that person came back, would you want to be married to him? If the answer is no, then save yourself some trouble. <P>If the answer is yes, however, decide that you will allow him some time to heal. Be caring & supportive of him, but direct 90% or so of your energy to YOU...get involved in some things that you love, that you can find some fulfillment in. Keep going to counseling, for YOU, not just for the marriage. Accept that you are not going to have him meet some needs for a while...but look at it as a temporary thing, due to circumstances beyond his control...not as a willful lack of care for you. Oh, if you decide that you are taking this latter route, simply tell your daughters & anyone else who criticizes your decision that sometimes it is important to support someone you love, especially when they are least loveable.<P>Hope some of this makes sense. Good luck.

#402147 10/17/00 05:42 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
A
Annc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 420
Kam,<BR>I do appreciate your input...<BR>I basically told my H how I feel today re meeting each other's needs - that I am going to see how things go, then assess what is best for me, etc. Low and behold, he called and told me that he will work on it!!! That is all I can ask for now, and need to give him the chance - at least he is "giving" more than before, was not upset by my voice message, and agreed to try. Time will tell, but this is progress, I feel...<BR>Just getting him to say he agrees is a major accomplishment...<BR>Wish us luck, and keep posting to me,<BR>Thanks to all of you - wouldn't be able to keep my sanity without all of you!!! <BR>Talk to you later,<BR>A

Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5