2B-<P>Your H will not come clean and be whole if he never admits that he has an addiction. I am sorry for you that you feel disconnected from him. I thought at one time he admitted an addiciton.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dogbert:<BR><B>2B-<P>I thought at one time he admitted an addiciton.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>At one point he did, in the beginning. He never followed up with getting help or anything. He said he might be then that was it. Nothing else was done. See how confusing it is.<P>BJ

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2Bornot2B:<BR><B> At one point he did, in the beginning. He never followed up with getting help or anything. He said he might be then that was it. Nothing else was done. See how confusing it is.<P>BJ</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I see how confusing it is.<P>How long ago did he admit to this?<P>What has occured since then to make you have so many doubts about him now?<P>Does he still sneak around?<P>Does he have an Internet filter?<P>

My response is on my post...

My H just admitted he had an addiction to porn a few weeks ago. This has been a problem for a long time. He just started a new job selling furniture and has been so busy working and going to training that he has not had time to do anything. It's been nice. For almost three months he was out of work and he would sit home all day. <P>Every once in a while I search the hard drive for jpg files to see what comes up. So one day (he had been out of work almost 2 months at this point) I did a search and sure enough I found alot of dirty pictures he had saved in a file. And when I say alot it is probably an understatement. I guess you can imagine how upset I was. Here I was working two jobs (I got a second job shortly before he quit his because I wanted to get some money saved up) and he was sitting home looking up porn all day.<P>I was also getting pressure for family and friends. Everyone thought I should kick him out for not working. (No one knows about his porn problem)<P>Well, I am rambling. He admitted that he had a problem, and I suggested that we should go to counseling about our problems but he did not like that idea. He doesn't think I know how to communicate with him, and so he doesn't see the point of going to a councelor so I can tell the counselor my feelings. Make sense? I know I am not really good a sharing my feelings, and that is part of our problem. Marriage is just so complicated. There is so much I want to do, but it is hard. Arrrrrr. It gives me a head ache.

I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have been married 3 years and recently found out my husband was addicted to internet porn and soon after I caught him in an affair.<BR>It is so very important for you to encourage your husband to seek help for his addiction. It is a neccesary step in order to save your marriage from any further distruction. Doing so would save you and him from additional pain.<BR>I know from a woman's view that it is so hard to deal with the fact your H would even look at other women. I causes such a blow in self esteem and worth. But I guess that it is difficult because men and women are made so differently. Well, I hope things get better.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SillyMe:<BR><B>I have been married 3 years and recently found out my husband was addicted to internet porn and soon after I caught him in an affair.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is what really scares me. I am afraid the the addiction will turn into something much worse. I almost left my H because of the porn addiction. I don't think I could handle an affair. <P>I really don't think I will be able to convince my H to go into counceling. He just doen't seem to be open to it. My H is very shy and proud at the same time, if that makes any sense. I am the worst at trying to convince him of anything. I always end up sounding irrational. I think I need counceling on how to communicate my feelings in a less impulsive manner. I rarely think things through, and my husband is an over-analyzer. We make a great pair. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Cindiwa (edited November 03, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cindiwa:<BR><B> This is what really scares me. I am afraid the the addiction will turn into something much worse. I almost left my H because of the porn addiction. I don't think I could handle an affair. <P>[This message has been edited by Cindiwa (edited November 03, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Girl, you are definitely not alone with that statement. Cyber*** with OW, that's what my H was doing. Once I pretended to be someone else and talked to him on IM (WARNING: disasterous to do...) My H was a completely different person. He asked for her to meet him for lunch and to talk on the phone and such. When I confronted him about it and told him it was me, he said he always says that, but never goes through with it. I believed him at the time, but now I have my doubts. It's hard to believe someone who has lied over and over again. I don't know why I'm such a sucker and decided to believe him in the first place. I guess it's because I loved him and wanted things to be ok. Well, I have lost a lot of good feelings for him during this period and I'm not happy with that. But ignoring the obvious was a mistake that I will never make again.<P>-BJ<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2Bornot2B:<BR><B> Once I pretended to be someone else and talked to him on IM (WARNING: disasterous to do...) My H was a completely different person</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have done this before, but I admitted it was me for it really went anywhere. I have not done it since. I really don't like sneaking around to catch my husband doing something that will devistate me. What are we going to do?

Just when I thought it would get better, and my H was doing good....... today I had to run home from work because our jeep is having problems and my H needed to get to work and.... he left. Sooo... while I was waiting for the tow truck I decided to put laundry away and found some pictures my H had taken of his p***s in his sock drawer. Then I started looking in a stack of papers he had printed off the computer and found the profiles of 4 women in our area that he had printed off oneandonly online matchmaking. Well now I am back at work and I am so furious I can't think.

Tonight is the night. I am going to confront my husband on this latest developement. I am not sure how I will tell him all the things I need to without going off the deep end, but hopefully god will help me through it. <P>Last night I tried to cry because I am so hurt inside, but I just couldn't do it. When I first started realizing the things my husband was doing (over two years ago when we had been married just a couple months) I would cry myself to sleep alot. Now I have nothing in me, I can't even cry.<P>Right now all I want is to be alone. I don't even want him around. It has been a great help to come to this web site. I was actually getting really hopeful that things could and would get better. This latest developement has destroyed my desire to try anymore. Life has always been so good to me, I don't know what I've done to deserve all of this. <P>LOST - Cindiwa

Just breath. No really. Everything happens for a reason. You need to decide at which point this addiction becomes an affair of the mind. I personally believe that my H already had one in his mind with the women he looked at online. A real one was a small step away once I found out about his activities and communication stopped. Have you asked him about the things you found?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SillyMe:<BR><B> You need to decide at which point this addiction becomes an affair of the mind.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This statement is very true. An affair of the mind is so devastating. Our spouces have no idea what they're doing is killing us and our marriage. They think it's just entertainment for them, well in fact it is a stimulation of their mind and soul that we are excluded from. A marriage is a consolidation of two people who desire to grow together. These secrets that our spouces keep are key factors that will eventually destroy the foundation of the marriage. <P>The trust is gone from my M and I now also have no more energy to continue fighting to get it back. My H has not shown me any reassurance for me to be able to trust him again. As a matter of fact, I just found out he's doing it again after telling me the other night that I was all he needed. <P>It's a complete mess and all I can do to recover from the devastation is pray to god he will give me the strength and knowlege to move forward without my H.<P>-BJ<P><p>[This message has been edited by 2Bornot2B (edited November 08, 2000).]

Well, I'm still alive. I talked to my H last night about what I had found, and it went rather well. I just let him know how upset I was, and how much it hurt me. I won't go into all the details, but I decided not to kick him into the street just yet. We have a long way to go, but hopefully we'll make it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cindiwa:<BR><B>and it went rather well. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Woohoo!<P>

Cind-,<BR>It is good to hear that your talk went well. From experience though it is important not to just except words and promises. Especially with any addiction it is important to seek help. You can only tell him so many times that his actions are hurting you and your marriage. He needs to do some leg work as well in order to get the relationship back online. So to speak. <BR>Well keep on keeping on.<p>[This message has been edited by SillyMe (edited November 09, 2000).]