Petherese,<P>Believe me, you are not alone.<P>I have been with my H 5 1/2 years, I have absolute proof of 2 affairs, suspect much more. Both times he was definitely cheating, I was told he wasn't, he loved me, wouldn't do that to me, blah blah blah.<P>Let me guess, when your husband tries to explain away the things you have found, does he tell you you're crazy? And you want to believe him so badly that you start to accept his excuses?<P>Why do you stay? Like you said, you love him, you know he loves you, but for some reason he keeps doing this. Look at both of your family histories. Has there been infidelity in your families? <P>I finally figured out that I am trying to "fix" my relationship with my father through my H and past relationships. My dad was a cheater, and abandoned his children in each marriage every time he moved on to the next wife. If my H cheats and then stays with me, or given his past of cheating in every relationship, if he had never cheated on me it would prove that I am indeed worthy. I guess I've always felt kind of worthless because my father left me when he left my mother.<P>Now on my H's side, he never knew his father, his mother abandoned him throughout his life, and he was raised by a grandmother who is nutty on her best days. It explains a lot.<P>Read Surving an Affair and After the Affair. It will help you make sense of a lot of this and give you paths to follow for fixing things.<P>Examine yourself, what mistakes did you make in the relationship that may have led up to an affair? I'm not saying you're responsible for him cheating, he takes full credit for that, but you both made mistakes that led to an atmosphere where an affair could take place. You can't fix his mistakes in the relationship, but you can change yours.<P>It's a real rollercoaster ride, but if you truely love this man, and want to fix the relationship, it's a ride worth taking.<P>Keep posting. Like I said you are definitely not alone, and you can learn a lot here, and also get a lot of support from people who know exactly how you feel.