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Joined: Nov 2000
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Today I caught my defacto husband of 6 1/2 years cheating on me for the 3rd time! He has only ever admitted to doing it once, but the other two times I found love letters and a particularly emotional email. He denies both of these things, concocting some fantasy about them being planted (yeah right!) and then turns it around on me and tells me I don't trust him!!! The worst problem is that I just can't leave him! It sounds pathetic, but I love him more then anything in my world. I know he loves me, but I can't understand why he has to do this to me?<BR>If anyone has been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear from you. I feel so alone.<BR>

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Welcome <B>Petherese</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<BR>..from the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>...and there is so much else you can learn...<BR>...mostly on how you can help yourself and your marriage from that book!<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...anc check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>I know you feel so alone...<BR>...we who were the "faithful spouses"(FS)... all felt the same way...<P>...<B>you are not alone</B>!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

Joined: Oct 2000
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Petherese,<P>Believe me, you are not alone.<P>I have been with my H 5 1/2 years, I have absolute proof of 2 affairs, suspect much more. Both times he was definitely cheating, I was told he wasn't, he loved me, wouldn't do that to me, blah blah blah.<P>Let me guess, when your husband tries to explain away the things you have found, does he tell you you're crazy? And you want to believe him so badly that you start to accept his excuses?<P>Why do you stay? Like you said, you love him, you know he loves you, but for some reason he keeps doing this. Look at both of your family histories. Has there been infidelity in your families? <P>I finally figured out that I am trying to "fix" my relationship with my father through my H and past relationships. My dad was a cheater, and abandoned his children in each marriage every time he moved on to the next wife. If my H cheats and then stays with me, or given his past of cheating in every relationship, if he had never cheated on me it would prove that I am indeed worthy. I guess I've always felt kind of worthless because my father left me when he left my mother.<P>Now on my H's side, he never knew his father, his mother abandoned him throughout his life, and he was raised by a grandmother who is nutty on her best days. It explains a lot.<P>Read Surving an Affair and After the Affair. It will help you make sense of a lot of this and give you paths to follow for fixing things.<P>Examine yourself, what mistakes did you make in the relationship that may have led up to an affair? I'm not saying you're responsible for him cheating, he takes full credit for that, but you both made mistakes that led to an atmosphere where an affair could take place. You can't fix his mistakes in the relationship, but you can change yours.<P>It's a real rollercoaster ride, but if you truely love this man, and want to fix the relationship, it's a ride worth taking.<P>Keep posting. Like I said you are definitely not alone, and you can learn a lot here, and also get a lot of support from people who know exactly how you feel.

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I guess I've always felt kind of worthless because my father left me when he left my mother<P>PamO.....Yes ! I relate to that too..."worthless" was the word I have been looking for all these years to describe how I felt when he abandoned us/me.<P>I agree wholeheartedly that things that happened in your past, within your own family definitely do play a part in who you choose for a spouse.

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Well Ihave been married 31 yrs...my parents were married 56yrs and my inlaws are presently married (not too happily) for 54 yrs...and my H had an A which lasted 1yr until I caught him on the phone making plans with her. It has been 10mos since dday and I too still feel used and worthless at times. We are working on our marriage but even after all this time I am still on an emotional rollercoaster. I've been told that it could take up to two years to get your life back on track...<P>Anyone have any suggestions as to how to hold on for another year and 2 months?<BR>


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