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Joined: Oct 1999
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ladyb Offline OP
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I need advice on what to do regarding an affair a friend's husband is having. My<BR>close friend, I'll call her Tammy was getting her nails done and heard about the manicurist's new boyfriend. Over time she <BR>has continued with the story and my friend<BR>Tony just realized it is the husband of another of our close friends. Tammy is upset<BR>and wanted to know if we should tell our friend. The manicurist is so boastful that <BR>she has told yet another friend who goes to the shop the same story.<BR>I have had a similar experience and am upset too. I don't feel I can advise because it would be devastating and I do not have <BR>first hand knowledge. I am upset because I would want to know. Should Tammy tell or do I help her tell the wife<BR>what we have heard? We are not sure what it<BR>would do to our friendship with her. Pls help

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This is a really tough question, If you should be the one to tell her? <P>I can tell you this, My W and I had a mutual friend who knew about her A before me. When this came out I was furious with the friend for not telling me. Since then I have come to understand it, but my feelings of the friend are not really the same and I don't suppose they ever will be again. <P>From my perspective your friend has a right to know, the more people that know before her will only make the devastation worse. Have you considered confronting her H and giving him the opportunity to come clean first?<P>If he won’t maybe you should. Look at it this way, if the roles were reversed would you want her to tell you?<P>What ever happens, if she is truly your friend, be there for her and get her to a place like this for help.<BR>

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ladyb Offline OP
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Thanks for your reply. It is a real dilemma<BR>as I am aware of the situation but was not<BR>involved. I had a good opinion of her<BR>husband until hearing this. Tammy and I<BR>have discussed numerous ways of possibly<BR>telling her but didn't reach a conclusion.<BR>I had a similar situation and wished someone<BR>had told me anything. I was told by a friend<BR>that it was none of our business and not to <BR>interfere. Also it is the holiday and we<BR>don't want to affect the family.

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ladyb Offline OP
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Tammy saw this email and feels all logic<BR>will go out the window with our friend.<BR>We are in the same social organization and<BR>are afraid to confront her with the info.<BR>We don't want to be in the middle and we<BR>don't want our names used as she is human<BR>and will probably tell her husband.<BR>What about an anonymous card?

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Yes I suppose the Holidays coming does make a rough time to offer this info. I often forget what time of the year it is as I’m in my own world. I don’t want to come down on you at all and I’m not, but please don’t assume what she can handle “ All logic will go out the window” That is typically what we as people do, assume that a spouse, friend, etc. is too weak to handle the truth. In most cases its just not so.<P>I don’t like the card idea. It will just drive her nuts (who sent it the OW, H, who). Your friend is correct, No it is not really your business and you are certainly not obligated to say a word. I agree she will tell her H where the news came from and at first you may be in the middle. <P>You made an interesting comment. “I had a good opinion of her H until hearing this”. If that is the case you should reconsider you good opinion. This doesn’t make him a bad person, It just makes him a tormented person who has made a very bad mistake, and one that I would venture to guess is very out of character. If you want to send anyone an anonymous card, send it to him and tell him how many people know. Give him this web site address. Maybe it will shock him into reality briefly enough for him to do the right thing. <BR>

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Hi there, <BR>what a tough situation !<BR>But I agree with Oswald that you should not tell her but tell him ! He is the one who shoul tell it to his W, and take the blame for it, not you.<BR>Personaly, if you don't want to be pulled into the situation, if you tell her then she might choose you as her listening ear and you will be involved.<BR>I hope this helps a little. Good Luck!<BR>Baloe

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Hey guys. I am usually on the recovery board. My husband had a five month affair and we have been in recovery for 22 months. We had been married one year when it happened. I received an anonymous letter informing me my husband was having an affair, but it had no details so I didn't believe it. I turned out to be from very close friends of mine who knew of the affair. I confronted my husband with it and he denied it. If there had been undeniable proof, a woman's name, where they met, maybe a way for me to see them together, my friends may have been able to keep their names out of it. As it happened, they had to come clean so I would believe it. If there is any way of doing it anonymously, do it. But, if you don't think she will believe it from someone she doesn't know, you may have to come clean. She deserves to know the truth. It might be kind of awkward, but what about taking her to get her nails done...then she would hear it for herself and you could act innocent. Let me know what you do?

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ladyb Offline OP
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Thanks for the advice to all. It is more difficult than I thought. One always wants to hear the answer and hope that it jumps out and grabs you somehow. My friend and I<BR>talked it over and still don't feel comfortable and are undecided. I agree the note would drive anyone crazy but maybe you're right...he's the one who needs to <BR>straighten this out and come clean on what's <BR>happened.

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ladyb Offline OP
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My friend Tammy has decided to tell her<BR>after the holidays and asked me to be <BR>there for moral support. I think it <BR>will kill her if too many people know and<BR>I am just too afraid for either Tammy<BR>or myself to be dragged in the middle.<BR>Any other advice is really appreciated.

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ladyb<P>I am new to this site, but have just read this thread and have a couple of thoughts to offer. <P>Have you and Tammy considered suggesting that the manicurist stop talking about her new boyfriend with her customers because, from what she is saying, it sounds like he is the husband of a close friend of some ladies who get their nails done by this manicurist. You and Tammy might even approach the manicurist privately and ask her boyfriend's name, or ask if she is speaking of Mr. xxxxxxx and tell her that some of her customers are assuming that it is him. (Keep in mind that he may not have told the manicurist he is married, not given her his real name, or that she may not admit it even if it is him.)<P>After this, it might be good to talk with your friend's husband next and tell him what you have heard. Even though it sounds like he is the manicurist's new boyfriend, and even if she identifies him as the new boyfriend, there is a possibility that it is not him, and an even more remote possibility that the manicurist is not telling the truth. Possibly he should know that some are wondering if he is the one the manicurist is talking about and be considered innocent until it is proven that he is guilty. <P>Depending on what he and the manicurist say, you could then decided if somehow you should inform his wife as well.<P>hth,<BR>Gail<p>[This message has been edited by computergal (edited December 13, 2000).]

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ladyb Offline OP
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Thks for your reply. Tammy is sure it is <BR>him. She told name, company and knew enough<BR>about the kids. Good suggestion. The manicurist is also aware that Tammy knows his wife and is now threatening the other salon staff to not talk about her business<BR>when she is there. Tammy does not want the stress when it should be a relaxing time and has decided to move to another salon. <BR>We don't know if the manicurist has told Mr.<BR>XXXX that someone is aware. We don't think <BR>so. I can't understand why men take the risk<BR>in the first place and jeopardize their marriages. <BR>

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I think its good that you two plan to tell her and that you will wait until after the holidays.<P>I'm a little concerned that manicurist knows of Tammy's relationship w/friend. Likely scenario:<P>Friend confronts H; H denies. H tells manicurist. Manicurist tells H that it was Tammy that told. H begins "campaign" to "smear" Tammy's integrity in an effor to confuse the wife.<P>Hope it doesn't play out like this, but it is not so unlike a betrayer to divert the attention to someone else.<P>I hope Tammy can remember the facts as she heard them. You may be surprised. Often the wife is suspicious anyway. What Tammy presents to her may confirm those suspicions.<P>Good Luck,<BR>Enlightened<p>[This message has been edited by Enlightened (edited December 21, 2000).]


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