My wife for 14 years has just left for her company Christmas party, doesn't want to say where it's at and didn't want<BR>me to attend, this has been an on going process for several months and at times I wish the finances were available to<BR>hire a private investigator to help me figure out what the heck is really going on. <BR>I will try not to be redundant, but again married 14 years, two children, 13 year old girl and a 10 year old boy, I am<BR>46, my wife is 36, My children at this point are what I would consider lost ( more than myself ) poor grades actually<BR>failing, my 13 year old which hand had written material I have found in her room has left me in complete shock! <BR>other Internet chat messages just saddens me, when bringing this material to my wife's attention and at the same time<BR>going through a conflict with her with our relationship, which is in short me telling her I need more help with the kids,<BR>when they were younger and we lived in San Francisco, I was able to deal with them but as they are growing up,<BR>finding myself needing the help of their mother and keep on trying to express this to her, I am not a mean person, so<BR>when my wife and I confronted our daughter with my findings she actually had the nerve to say a few of the written<BR>papers she had no idea how they got in her dresser and the other tried to say that it wasn't her hand writing, which in<BR>fact we knew it was, my wife in the end tried to say that was just talk....I really don't think so, after speaking to a few<BR>people who have teenage girls about the matter of my daughter and their girls, if and how they dealt with the matter,<BR>in fact they expressed how they put their foot down, my wife seemed to take it a little more serious, but I am the one<BR>here with the kids, My son I feel is suffering from the same neglect of mama that we are all suffering from. <BR>about my wife: ( mama ) since our move back here to PA things seemed to be getting along pretty good, she had<BR>taken a job in the day time and we were all together as a family in the evening, went places together, started going to<BR>church and I was feeling very encouraged and could see a future as a family, then about 4 months ago she changed<BR>jobs, she had bought a new car for her self, another cell phone and her attitude towards myself and the children had<BR>switched like night and day, all of a sudden all these mens numbers started showing up on her phone, men calling her<BR>up on her cell phone at night time and how it was brought to my attention was one evening when I was in the<BR>basement I came up stairs for something to drink, heard her voice and thought she was saying something to me, so I<BR>walked over to the stairs and heard in a conversation with someone, at first I had no idea who it was but just listened<BR>and if one read between the words it was more than social chit chat, he is a 30 year old male, (we don't have any<BR>problem in the bedroom, I am always willing), so after she was finished I had walked up stairs and looked at her and<BR>she asked what was wrong, and I had asked who she was speaking with, she just became silent, would not say<BR>anything, I had said common' this is not fair we are a team husband wife and family so lay the cards on the table,<BR>what's going on? she told me it was none of my business, again I said that's not fair, and so we exchanged words but<BR>nothing that was of a yelling nature, I had just wanted to know where I stood, if anyone was abusive I feel it was<BR>from her side, telling me I had no life, and to go out and find one ( I thought I did , her the kids and our small jewelry<BR>business which I will tell you about down the line ) she was going to talk to whom ever she wanted and didn't care<BR>what I had said, told me to go F my self. well in the mean time my daughter had called to get picked up, so on the<BR>way driving I started thinking about her conversation and started putting two and two together and realized who she<BR>was speaking with, when I got home and got in bed I said that I knew who she was speaking with and told her why, I<BR>had uttered a few things before I had fallen asleep, she didn't say anything, the next morning she said that he had<BR>called her to talk about his girlfriend, well if that was the case the conversation had taken a whole different road when<BR>I was listening, and not sure why he would be calling my wife about it? <BR>As I started becoming more alarmed by her shift of attitude I started becoming suspicious, whether it was right or<BR>wrong I had to try to see if I could figure out what was going on, so I every once and a while would turn her cell<BR>phone on to see what numbers were on it, they led back to guys , if everything was innocent then what was the big<BR>secret, if they were platonic friendships, then why hide them from me, why not introduce me to them, that could have<BR>made all the difference in the world and when I started worrying what was up , just a few times I took a look into her<BR>purse, I know it's not right! but I was worried about the state of my family and when we lived out west she never had<BR>a problem if I had opened her purse to get some money out if I needed it, now everything turned into off limits. <BR>So as the weeks went on she was and at times turns very bitter towards me and the children, and at times I would lose<BR>my cool! and yell backin basic because I was hurting, I had searched the Internet looking for advice about marriage,<BR>mediators, family councilors, I had run into this one site that I thought had some very good rules and advice for<BR>marriage and family <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/</A> I had read through the site and printed out the discussion<BR>topics, my Wife, after I had asked her to read them, kind of browsed through them, it's possible that she did not like<BR>what she was reading and had just sarcastic words for me, my reply was I wasn't the one who wrote it it's was then I<BR>realized that it takes two to make it work, it's just sounds solid too me. so after about a week I had asked her would<BR>she please listen to one of the DR's radio pre-recorded playbacks on Family Commitment, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html</A> well she mocked it but the next week she did come<BR>home early a few times and we and the children went out to dinner one night and when she returned from the rest<BR>room before we left I said, thank you babe for being here with us and gave her a hug which turned into a family hug, I<BR>am not sure if the radio show had any part in it, but I know something not right, why all these phone numbers, why be<BR>secret, what's their to hide, I would really like to know, is she cheating on me???do we have no future?? <BR>I felt like I had to say something to my parent's about it just for the fact that we weren't showing up for Sunday family<BR>dinner, well my mother was up set my father wasn't to happy to hear about it, but told me if that's the case the get the<BR>darn camera when you suspect something and catch her in the act. <BR>none of this has been wearing on me very well, I have lost 15pounds down to 155lb @5"9 I have a very hard time<BR>keeping my focus on anything, while in the mean time till I Am able to get my Jewelry Business off the ground on the<BR>east coast, I took a job in a near by hospital to help bring in some extra income, so I had gone home last week one<BR>day for lunch and browsed through the security camera, just to hear my daughter say that she had taken a shower the<BR>night before as my wife had mentioned to me when she dropped my glasses of at work, well I started gasping for air<BR>when I heard her make a phone call for a one room apartment and take her clothes, it knocked me off my feet, I had<BR>called her at work and when she came to the phone I just said babe please, don't walk out on me,I we,all need you,<BR>she said we would talk about it later, I didn't push anything, kind of pulled myself together and went back to work,<BR>well I was standing in a back store room and my boss walked in, he said what's wrong? I had explained to him what I<BR>heard and saw and said I feel like I need to go down to her place of work and talk to her, he just said, go, he<BR>understood, so I did, walked in and asked if I could please speak with her for ten min. she came out and knew I was<BR>very up set and again I said babe, please don't walk out on me, told her I don't know what's going on, I am very<BR>confused, maybe I am not conveying to you the right way but all's I know is something, I was at the point of<BR>trembling, I had explained what I saw on the surveillance tape, she said she would be home after work and we would<BR>talk, it was after that she started coming home a little early and we went out as a family, and have spent a little time<BR>together, but still remains firm on her privacy and having her own friends, what friends I have back here have<BR>accepted her, we have a history together a family, these are just new people coming into her life which to me I would<BR>not be calling a friend, a mere aquantaince, how can they hold more value than us, her family who have stood by her<BR>through all her up's and downs, good and bad. <BR>I love this Woman and I love my Family and would like to remain a family, but the truth has got to come out, what in<BR>God's name is going on, I stop by the alter every day and ask God to please bring us back together as a Loving<BR>Family with Spouse and Family Commitment. What is she going through, I am the one in my mid life, not her<P>

Welcome <B>aniev ynot</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Your story is not uncommon...<BR>...and many of us have found out about our WS in ways very similar.<P><B>START ON PLAN A</B>...<BR>Check out my post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P>I you can convince your W yo join in great... if not... I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Don't be affraid to be honest...<BR>...in a loving way...<BR>Check out an older post... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002262.html" TARGET=_blank>How to say my feelings without it being a LB</A>.<P>Stay around and ask for help...<P>BTW: please write in shorter paragraphs...<BR>...one long stream of words is hard to read.<P>You are not alone.<P> <P>Jim