I go to school 3 nights a week so I can get a better job to support my wife and myself. About 3 months into my schooling my wife asked me for a seperation. I was devistated! I never saw it coming. We were married 6 1/2 years at that time, together 11 1/2. I guess part of her decision to seperate was based on the problems we had in the past. We were both young when we met, 20 years old. I was still immature and wild, never thought I would ever get married until I met my wife. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen! Fun to be with and we both devoted all of our attention and affections towards eachother. I fell in love! Along the way the road was rocky, it wasnt a perfect relationship but it was very good. Some of the things that I did in the past hurt my wife (I have always been faithful). After 5 years we got married and everything was great! I got a new job as did she and we didnt want for anything. We are both very close to our families and life looked good. Granted it wasnt an easy marriage we had to work at it.<BR>Anyway, my wife said she wanted to seperate and during our seperation she thought we should date other people. I didnt agree with that because my opinion of seperation was to be apart from eachother to see if we miss what we had. She started to look for an appartment for herself and I tried to be supportive towards her by helping her anyway I could because I still loved her. She didnt leave me and is still with me today but I was very suspicious as to what she was doing the 3 nights I was in school. So one night I skipped school and followed her from work where I found out the truth about why she wanted to seperate. She drove to a resturaunt and went in with another man. I sat across the street waiting for almost 2 hours before they came out. They stood by their cars talking for 10 minutes or so when he leaned over and kissed her. Then they started to make-out in the parking lot for almost 1/2 an hour. My heart was broken! My wife whom I thought loved and respected me was running around on me behind my back! It took all my strenght not to confront them at that very moment! I prayed after the 1st kiss that she would get into her car and leave but then they just stood there kissing. Sometimes the truth really does hurt. That night I stayed out until I would normally come home from school and never said anything to her as to what I saw. My wife was very emotional that night, she was crying and saying Oh God what have I done but never answered me as to what she meant by that. Looking back she said that very statement 3 other times so by putting 2 and 2 together I figure that this happened at least 3 other times. My wife became very depressed and had to take medication for it and started seeing a councilor. I did as well but saw a different one than hers. She said she didnt want to goto marriage counciling becasue she felt like our marriage was over. It, if you didnt already figure it out, was a co-worker of hers that she was doing this with. All through the time from when she asked me for the seperation I was talking to her and listening to what she was saying to me as far as why this was happening. I turns out that I wasnt meeting her emotional needs as well as I thought. If I was just meeting her needs before I decided to go to school, now take 3 days out of the week were I didnt see her except for in the morning just before work now her needs are definitly not being satisfied. So she turned to another man from her work who she confided in and he was understanding towards her and they formed an emotional bond that was lacking from our marriage.<BR>My wife never moved out and we are both going to see a marriage councilor together. The relationship between her and him ended because she decided to work on our marriage. Now he is a co-worker and she has no choice to see him at work. She told me that she cant be mean to him or ignore him because none of this was his fault and she asked me if it was ok for them to still be friends. How could I stop that from happening? I felt that if I insisted that she stopped being his friend that she would hate me for it and how would I know if she was doing things behind my back to continue to be friends, so I gave in. I told her that if she can be just friends with him and that if he can back off that it was ok. She said that while we were going to counciling that she agreed that there wouldnt be anything going on. After a few weeks of counciling she confessed to me that she had kissed him but swore that she never had sex or anything else other than kissing, I never told her that saw her do it. I think somethings are better left unsaid. I dont know how she would feel if she knew that I didnt trust her back then and I dont want to make matters worse now that things are going better for us. But that image of her kissing someone else is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. I dont dwell on it but on occasion I have flash backs. Everything has being getting better for us except one thing which is pretty major. She is having a problem getting her feelings back for me the way they were before all this happened. Not that she wants to leave me or doesnt love me. But in the romance department, she feels like her sex drive is missing towards me. We talk about it but nothing really has changed. I have climbed mountains to try and make things better and sometimes I feel like all my effort isnt getting me anywhere. I didnt know what she was looking for so I asked her. She said she was looking for that spark, that newness in a relationship that drive that makes you want to be with another person. I believe she is pretty much describing the feelings you have when you start a new relationship. I told her if that was the case thats probably the 1 thing I cant give her. We have been together 11 1/2 years, we know everything about eachother, we know each others answers to questions before we answer them. I just hope that the taste of the new relationship she had isnt whats holding her back in the romance department towards me. Dont get me wrong we have made love but not as often as we use to. I dont know how to help her get her feelings back. All I do is try to make everyday special somehow and to listen to what she has to say, to listen to her problems when she has them and not give advise unless she asks for it. Her family knows that she asked me for a seperation but doesnt know the rest of the story and all think she's making a mistake but I asked them not to presure her because this has to be her decision. I truly believe that this is the last hurddle we have to face before we can have a better and stronger marriage but if she cant get those feelings back for me, I know it wont last. She has said to me before that we both deserve to be happy and that I deserve someone better etc. etc. She gets depressed over it and constantly states whats wrong with me? Why cant I get my feelings back? I dont know if its because she still see's him at work or what but I defintly need some advise here. I dont know what I can do other than take each day one at a time and make them as good as I can and pray that things will work out.

12midnight,<P>There are many on this board that can help you. I am sorry that you find yourself here. I have many thoughts on your story but one sticks in my mind. It is about honesty. One of the big things discussed in the literature found on this site is the need for honesty between the spouses.<P>It would seems that your relationship with your W needs some of that. She has told you she kissed the OM. I don't know that the number of times matters to you, but you suspect more than once. But, you have not told her that you know that she did.<P>I would think that if she knew that you saw her kissing the OM. One of two things (maybe both) things will happen. 1. She will be mad because you followed her. 2. She realize how hurt you have really been and still willing to work on the marriage. The second may begin to show her the depths of you love and thaw out the relationship. <P>She may be made and still see the fact that you knew she lied and still loved her. Why is this important? She is still seeing the OM at work. The relationship may not be over . Further, as many will atest, the affair will not really and fully end until all contact is broken with the OM. She cannot feel deeply for you and the OM at the same time. It would seem, since you are here, that the OM is getting many if not all of her care and feelings.<P>What you have received is my opinion. Please think about this. Talk with W about some or all of this and read as much of the material here as you can.<P>Good Luck<P>JL

Welcome <B>12midnight</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

I agree with Just Learning. Except that I question what telling her that you saw her kissing would actually do. Seems a bit of a long-shot to me that it would make her understand the depths of your love. <P>I think that your wife is legimately confused, very much like my wife. That feeling of newness is a very strong drug. Both Men and Women love that feeling, especially after not having felt it in a while. And, for sure her seeing OM at work everyday is making matters worse - she can't see or feel her true feelings for you anymore because the "newness" of OM is too strong a drug. Somehow, you may want to get her to begin visiting this site and this board. I think she loves you dearly, but can't afford to allow those feelings to return right now because of the addiction to the other feelings. The only way to stop an addict is to get them off the drug.<P>Listen to me - I'm certainly no expert. And, in my situation the drug seems to be her work environment or indeed another man (all signs say it a man, but she says no). If I insist that she leave her work environment it could do irrepairable harm to our 7 year relationship. You have to evaluate these types of issues for yourself. Do, however, begin to satisfy all her emotional needs. She may say you're overdoing it, but it's important so that she'll really miss it if it's not there.<P>Also begin to romance her again. I'm doing this also - truth is it should have never stopped. She may resist giving in to the wonderful things you will be doing, and you're likely going to have to be patient for a very long time. Things may even get worse before they get better. But somehow you have to bring excitment back into her life. Different types of dating and recreational activities may do that, affection, etc. <P>Go for it - the one thing that's very clear is that you love her dearly. So fight for your love.<P>SamH

Thanks everybody for your kind words and thoughts. My wife and I had a wonderful weekend together getting ready for the holidays and just spending quality time together. I asked my wife Sunday night before bed if she thought we were going to make it through this situation? She said that she believed we were going to be ok but that she feels guilty that she is still a little messed up (her words). You see the man that she was seeing was living with and engaged to another woman that had 2 children. They wern't his kids but I would imagine they looked up to him as a father figure because he was around for 7 years or so. He left her to be with my wife. Now my wife decides to work on her marriage and he is left all alone. She feels responsible for that. And every monday when she goes back in to work she hates it because seeing him reminds her of the fact he's alone. My wife and I have a much better relationship now. We are very open about a lot of thing and talk about our feelings and she confides in me. She told him in the beginning that she was confused about her marriage and that she didnt know what she wanted and that there were no guarentees that anything will happen between them as far as a future together and he agree'd to that. But now that she decided to work on her marriage he's kind of depressed (he has his ups/downs per my W)and said that he doesnt want to go back to his girlfriend. So I said to her, he's an adult, he can make his own decisions and if he chooses to be alone, then that is his choice and you shouldnt feel responsible for his actions. She agreed with me but still seems to feel guilty that he's alone. I told her that alot of people live there lives alone by choice and that she shouldnt feel responsible for that. Hopefully in time things will get better for us but right now my plans are to just live my life as best I can, try not to get into conflicts with her, to make her feel loved and at peace when we are together. To make her to center of my attention and to try to show her the love, romance and respect I should have be doing all along. I dont know why things like that get so out of sight but this whole experience has been a life lesson I will never forget. Most of the time you only need to tell me something once and this is one of those things.<BR>i really enjoy this sight and appreciate your kindness in my hours of need, GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!!!

12Midnight: I'm so glad that you & your W are working things out. Just keep depositing those Love Units. That OM knew what he was risking when he had an affair w/your W. He'll have to deal with his loss on his own. Too bad that she has to see him at work. Is it possible for her to find another place of employment? Your W may go through periods of withdrawal. It won't help, if she has to see him at work.<P>Anyway...I'm glad that your W is back with you. Good luck in your recovery...