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Joined: Oct 2000
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Okay- history: h. of 15 years began ea on line with ow in 6/2000. I found out on 9/15/00. H. said it had stopped. h. moved out for about 3 wks., moved back in. I bought Spysoftware. Caught him again same ow this past saturday. H said he is sorry, won't happen again. OW email said that H. pursued her, she asked him again and again to leave her alone. H. has not said "I love you" on seven years to me, but wrote three of four letters of "I love you" to OW. H. admitts he is addicted to internet romance, not her. My problem, is now what do I do? I pretend it is okay this time around? Is it the Plan B time? H. refuses to go to counseling because h. says I make it look like it is all his fault, and because I refuse to admit to affairs he said I have had, then his emailing OW is my fault as well. Yesterday I was numb. I functioned to take care of the children, that was all. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, couldn't laugh, smile, I sat in the dark in the living room staring out the window, and I was that way all day and all night. I don't know what to do, where to turn. H. was the one I turned too, he was the one I felt secure with, now that trust and security is gone. He says he wants to make our marriage work, but can I let go a second time? Can my heart accept the final rejection, "I love you" OW but never to me, not even now he has not said "I love you" H. only tells me "You know I care or I wouldn't be here with you" I feel as if my fragile world crumbled by a swing of his bat, and he is standing there expecting me to fix it back to near perfect, but without his help, just his directions of how to do it. I feel lost, unloved, unwanted, and desperate, please some one help me. IF my kids were older, my answer to this deep pain would be a handful of sleeping pills.

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snugglermi:<P>Are you in counseling yourself? Sorry, I don't remember whether you said you were.<P>You need some help. This isn't a putdown; it is an attempt to get you out of the darkness. You're living in too much pain, and I don't think the Boards are enough for you. <P>I remember other details from your story not posted here. Yes, it is really bad. Please don't let your self sink into that blackness. <P>Make yourself a cup of hot tea, and click onto the inspirational posts here. And hang on, okay? <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

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I'd be Plan Bing if I were you. This guy needs to know that this is serious and if it continues you're not sticking around. I know how you feel my H is playing the same stupid game and I'm two steps from a divorce attorney. He needs to make up his mind already. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

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Snugglermi,<P>This is my first post (ever). I too am in a similar situation. My H went on the internet and found his 'soul mate'. It has been going on for 5 months and I have known about it for the last 2 months. <P>Anyway, your feelings about being in the dark, lost, unwanted, unsupported, unloved, desparate are common to most in our situation. <P>Their confusion becomes our nightmare. I feel like I am watching a bad movie and I can't turn it off. My H's OW acts like she is taking her cues from the latest soap opera scenes. High emotional rollercoaster rides, dramatic love scenes and breakups that could win an oscar. The promises by both sides are never ending, they love and hate each other in the same breathe. They both claim to try and send them back to their respective spounses and then go back and chase each other. <P>It doesn't matter what they look like or act like, their own egos can make the ugliest lover look like a model. Mine H thinks she is a nice person. I don't quite see it that way, especially since she wants to get me 'fired' or so she threatens. <P>Now enough about them, the question is how do you, I and others in our situation deal with this terrible, horrible nightmare that we must now live with? Well, there is a lot of good advice on this web site. The materials here has allowed me to put a nice binder together for my H & I to read. Even the questionnaires are good. At the very least therapeutic for me. The experiences of others has helped me see that I am not the only one with these frustrated feelings. It is ok to vent, cry, talk, not give up on yourself and your family. <P>I felt like I was in the dark and holding on to my small son. Stumbling (because H wasn't being truthful), having to figure things out myself made me feel vunerable and in their control. I often felt like they were laughing at my expense. I was afraid that if I fell, my son would be the first to get hurt and I could not allow that. That was one thing that kept me going. The other was the support of friends and family (who may have their own opinions, let me decide how best to handle my situation). <P>I began to concentrate on the positive things I had going in my life (sometimes it was hard to see it). Little by little I regained control of my life (not my H's life, just mine and my child's). For the momment I had to be consoled with that accomplishment. I was not going to let the OW & my H's affair make me lose control. That took about 5 weeks for me to figure out (I must have been a little slow). <P>Anyway, during that 'healing' time I developed another problem that I have not seen addressed yet. I began to have what I would later find out to be 'anxiety attacks'. They would come at any time day or night. Everyday at first, now it is down to about twice a week. Usually during high stress times and when I begin to relax (usually on the weekend). My adrenaline has been running high. I still do not eat or sleep well but it is getting better. I have lost a lot of weight (but actually look better) and had constant nightmares. I have learned to work with my anxiety attacks. I understand that my body needs to release all the pressure being build up in me. Crying is ok and after the attack I try to rest. I let my H see me when I am having these attacks and the humane side of him is struggling work with me. <P>I have chosen to share these facts with my H. I want him to see how this is affecting me. My son also is showing some frustration and gets angry easily. I am also letting H know about that. Why? Because I believe that healing does not work well in the dark (by keeping things hidden or a secret - like their relationship is). I want everything out in the open. This makes it easier for me and that was important to me. <P>Just a note back to the what the H has been doing. Like yours, my H says he loves the OW but still 'cares' for me. He says he is not 'in love with me' but he is 'in love with her.' At first this used to make me angry. But you must realize that these are statements the H makes today and may change tomorrow. Don't put too much into it. Especially if you can see they are confused. <BR>Don't take it too personally. <P>This is how I am handling it. <BR>1. Where & when I see it, I will agree with my H when he brings up points I can work on. This tends to disfuse his anger and makes it difficult for him and the OW to score on trying to break me. This has solicted some nice comments from my H about how well I am trying to work with him. He now knows that I truly love him and not hate him. She tried to convince him of that. I could go on but will save that for another time.<P>2. I told my H that I am glad he doesn't love me like he loves the OW. Why? Because the kind of love I want and need is based on care, kindess, affection and loyalty that can only come from relationship build on trust. Not a relationship built on sneaking around and lying to each other and their families. Those who can lie for you can also lie against you. It is just a matter of time. After I said that, it sort of took him by surprise but it made me feel better, So, I don't know if this will help but please take care of yourself and remember that you are not alone. <P>Mahalo<P>

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I want to thank you all for your support. I hope that you all understand that I did not take the pills. I am in counseling, alone, and I feel better now. H. agreed to give up internet affair, and agreed to give me some time and space. I know his affair is related to a mid-life crises, because he also shaved his chest, because the hairs were gray. I will take the time I need to take care of me. My problem is how can I let6 it go? There are days when all I want to do is sit and cry. Then there are days I want him out of my life, but in the next breathe, love him deeply. Is this confusion normal? My counselor says it is, but I must recognize that my heart needs time and space to heal. I just don't think h. is being truthfyl. I know he can get on internet at library, at local coffee shop, his mother's house, his sister's house, etc... and his mother has had the ow call my h. there at her house, so she has been a part of it. My son wants daddy to leave. my daughters want daddy to stay, my mother wants h. to leave, my church wants h. to leave, but my heart wants him to stay. wow, what a mess. This post was just to let you know I am still here, and alive. Thanks to all of you who helped. gn

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snugglermi<BR> You are unfortunately going through what most everyone here on this forum has gone thru. I feel your pain, because I went through it and I wish so much that I could take it away, but I can't. I can only give you some advice, encouragement and support. <BR> My advice, TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!! do what ever it takes to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. It is probably going to be a while before you will feel whole again, but that day will come, I am (as many here) living proof. <BR> My H had an PA and walked out on me and my son, told me he didn't love me anymore the whole gamete. That was almost 2yrs. ago, we are back together now and I truly believe he loves me more than he did before the affair. <BR> Keep posting your feelings and concerns here and read some posts on the recovery forum to give yourself some encouragement.<BR> We are all here for each other and you can get through this [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Hi Snugglermi,<P>I am glad you have found someone to work with. I have been thinking about you and am glad you are doing better. Like the rest of us, your days ahead are going to be a bit rough. Just knowing this can help us to prepare for those times. <P>What you describe matches me to a "T".<BR>For me, both my H and I are having a rough time. He still can not make good decisions. I can only see temporary periods of sanity but they are muddled over by the OW's control and I see him struggling but I am at this time not able to help him because his heart is being pulled by her. My H's mind says he wants to come back but his heart controls his actions and right now he is off with her on a 'vacation'. YUCK!!! <P>How does that make me feel? Like a heel, like I am being stepped on, lower than dirt. But I saw the struggle in his eyes last night and this tortures my soul. So for now I am riding the rocky roller coaster ride and desparately want to get off. <P>That was last night, after a trip to the emergency room (suffering from an upper respitory illness.) With only myself and child, I began to see that I can make it on my own if necessary. Though weakened physically, I was able to keep up my moral and today have been able to deal events without as much of the emotional anxiety. This is a small but good sign. <P>For me, I am preparing for the worst and it hurts. My little one says, he wants his father back more than anything and that hurts big time. But I shared that with his father and for now it doesn't seem to phase him. I don't understand his actions and I am learning not to try. <P>Why? Because at this time the WS is not thinking or acting clearly. Trying to reason with a person in that state is often useless. We all must try and then some of us have to just wait until the WS catch up to reality. <P>So what does all my jabbering really come down to? Be patient, take care of yourself and family. Know that you are not alone and keeping working on getting help. When the time is right you will then be in a better position to help your spouse, if he will let you. Will he slip back at some point? Maybe, should you give up when that happens? You will know when the time comes, no one can predict how you will feel. However, do not beat yourself up for loving someone who has betrayed your love. My H took the love of our family and shared it with a stranger, I got the leftovers - his anger and guilt. Once I figured that out, I learned not to beat myself up because I was not the one creating the anger (just the recipient). <P>So take care, because we care about you. Keep smiling and make 'them' wonder what you are up to. Believe me, it drives them crazy!!! Ha ha. <P>Aloha<P><BR>


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