I have had suspicions that my husband might be in an affair for six months, but he refuses to talk to me about it. We have been married for almost seven years, second marriage for both of us, and I know that he had affairs during his first marriage. Lately, he has been working late hours, and he is distant when he is at home. Yesterday, I found an unusual phone number in his directory, the only phone number with an initial instead of the full name listed.<P>Am I just being paranoid? When I try to talk to him about the problems in our marriage, he changes the subject. He says he loves me and that he wants us to be happy again. How can we even begin to work this out if he won't tell me what is happening?

tere - I would not say anyting more until you get some proof. I would do some snooping. Check all the credit cards etc. for suspicious charges. Of course if he has a cell phone get detailed billing. You can often go on line to get it. At numberfinder.com you can do a reverse phone look up. Check the mileage on his car daily. Drive by his office after hours to make sure he is really there. If you find nothing, maybe he is not doing anything wrong. However if you suspect something you are probably right. dax

From the sounds of it, whether or not your H is having an affair, your marriage is suffering. I'd suggest that you read some of Dr. Harley's books. They are listed on this web site. I actually think that his book "Surviving An Affair" is good reading for couples, even if no affair is going on. It shows how the downward spiral in relationships works. Dr. Harley's books are a wealth of information and guidance for putting a relationship back on track.<P>things I did to find out about my H's affairs: Do look the phone number up on a reverse search engine as suggested above. Check all phone bills. Look at the call history his cell phone. Check your call waiting. One thing I did was to hit redial on the telephone, he called her every time I left the house. It was so predicable. Once I established the patteren I confronted her. She admitted everything. So I was then able to confront him.<P>I understand the need to know. And indeed I feel you have the right to know so that you can make your own choices based on the truth. However, if you put your energies mostly towards repairing your marriage, the truth will come out and you may very well be able to save your marriage. <P>I wish you all the luck as I know how this feels.<P>E

Thanks to both of you. I have never felt so alone in my life. I am going straight to purchase the book mentioned. I tried the reverse phone search--no luck. My husband is a doctor and I am afraid he is going to be very good at covering his tracks. Anyway, I did talk to him today, and he wouldn't say yes or no, only that he loved me and that we need to work this out. I am crawling out of my skin wondering what to do. His credit card bill is a bit high, but I can't find anything out of the ordinary on it. Oh well, I guess I'll never have my own detective show. Thanks again!

Dax What do I do when he has his cellular phone bill mailed to his office? It is an office expense, so they take care of it and we never see the bill. I am beginning to feel like I am working with a real pro here-lots of cash withdrawals but nothing is showing up on the credit card bills. I have turned the house upside down looking for evidence, he won't be home until Tuesday so I should be okay getting things back together. The only clue I found was a bill for lingerie-he hasn't bought me lingerie in years.

Well if it is in the company's name you may be out of luck. If it is in his name, you might still be able to check the bill on it on line. I have heard that if he has never checked on line , ,you could even be the one to make up the password and get the bill. some women have even sneaked into their H.s office and found the bill. A PI, if you can afford one might be able to get it and A lot more. I think if you go to phone busters. com you could pay to find an unlisted number or go to google.com and put in phone search. If you can get detailed billing, you can go back and get the bills for months ago. I got the OW's cell phone by getting back bills before D day. Good luck

dax & tere38 -<P>dax - what is a reverse phone search?<P><BR>tere38 - have i got a good one for you!!!!!!!<P>a PI can send a phone card for you - ha, ha, ha<BR>he sends a free phone card for free minutes - the report gets mailed to the pi - runs about $350 - let me know how this works for you.<P>also, written in MB in the forum about how you can purchase software that will tell you passwords, the e-mails sent, & instant msgr chat - can't remember the name of the software - but it should help too.<P>If your husband is saying he wants to work it out and is being distant - that is a sure sign -<P>I know how you feel - the oh my g-- shock. Let us know how you fare. after shock

Thanks dax and after shock. He got back from a business trip last night, I picked him up at the airport. He was so tired, I didn't have the heart to grill him about my suspiscions. I really think we can get through this, but I have to figure out how to vent my feelings to him, because as usual I am trying to hide them, and I am afraid to show much anger, because he is so sensitive to negativity, which may be another thing that has pushed him to someone else. Pray for me.

tere - Nothing you have done has caused this A if there is one. His being sensitive to negativity is his problem; he sounds like a very angry person.<BR> after shock -reverse phone number is when you have a number but no name or address. At numberfinder, you can put in number and get name and address- if it is listed. dax

dax Thank you so much. I maybe haven't explained how difficult I have been for the past few years, very insensitive to my husband and family and totally focused on 'poor little me' and the things I have to go through every month just being a woman. I had a revelation this weekend about this, and reading Dr. Harley's memos helped me to do this. I know that it isn't entirely my fault, but I would be very foolish to not accept some of the responsibility. I talked to my pastor this morning, had some prayer with her, and I am really at peace with it, one way or the other. I am going to give it my all to make this marriage a happy one, and then I can feel confident that I have done everything possible. You are the best, thanks for supporting me.

tere38 -<P>try NOT to panic - like I said I know you are in the oh my god phase - believe me - I remember it well a year ago - it was extremely painful - my H is one of the kind that has not been really apologetic - just a little bit. He keeps emotions in the bottle. You must keep as steady as possible - try not to badger him about it - stay normal but check out as much as possible. Watch his trips - is he going to one place too much. You should be able to know where he is at all times - Surviving an Affair (Dr. Harley) tells it all. In case of an emergency a spouse should know where the other spouse is. If he is protective - that's a sign. The phone card - it is paid by you - but the PI gets the report. I am sure that your H might want some free phone minutes - it looks legitimate when sent to your H. Then sit back and monitor. Try to look in briefcase, day planner, etc. wallet if you can get a chance. The cash taken out of the bank - big one here. Somehow you need to find a way to get him to account for his money spent. <P>All of this is hard - trying to keep track of money - when you are in the pits of emotions. I know. I always said, if they tell you about it it doesn't mean anything - if you don't know - there is something there. Once he is busted - it becomes a different ball game. You need also to have him account for his time. Remember - if he is not showing affection TO YOU, he is getting affection elsewhere. Please read Surviving an Affair asap - you can buy it from MB for $14.97. They send it quick - put a book cover on it and study it - it will open your eyes.<P>Please don't panic - but do as much checking as you can. after shock

tere38 -<P>forgot to mention - if you keep trying to talk to him about the A - it may become a huge LB. my theory is if you quit talking about it and watch what is happening he will make mistakes, because he thinks things are normal.<P>Any chance to get the software for the computer at home? aftershock

tere38 -<P>forgot to mention - if you keep trying to talk to him about the A - it may become a huge LB. my theory is if you quit talking about it and watch what is happening he will make mistakes, because he thinks things are normal.<P>Any chance to get the software for the computer at home? aftershock

Tere,<BR>It sounds like there is a high probability that he is having an affair. Instead of putting all this effort into catching him in an affair, how about expending greater effort into fixing your marriage. Read up on Love Busters, and start Plan A NOW. Possibly, just possibly, you can start to turn things around before they get worse.<BR>Good Luck,<BR>T

I have been blessed with some wonderful adivice this morning! Twyla, I left you a message on the other topic, but just to let you and aftershock know, I talked to my pastor this morning. I didn't give big details about my husband because I did not want to betray his confidence. I mainly explained it as a terrible feeling on my part, that I had some big suspicions that someone was pursuing my husband. After some big prayer between us, I was advised to love this man and to leave this in God's hands for now. It gave me temendous peace to do this as I was terrified to confront him and possible hurt him. I am going to continue with this plan for now, and my husband has told me that if we can't work this out on our own we will see a counselor right away. We have admitted to each other that we have neglected our marriage and that we both need to do some major changing in order to survive together. Keep us in your prayers. Don't know what I would do without this wonderful site.

Tere,<P>I agree with Twyla. My WS H had a brief A four years ago. It was at a time when we weren't getting along well AT ALL, we were arguing, he withdrew, and I would pound him harder because his withdrawal fueled my anger. Anyway,I just found out (he confessed out of the blue) three months ago. So basically it is recent to me. <P>One point in my and H's discussions that might be pertinent to your situation, I think, is this: I ask him (among a million other things) was there anything that I could have done to change him, or interecede at that time which would have prevented his taking that giant leap into a PA. Although he doesn't blame me for HIS decision to ultimately go through with it, and I won't take blame, he said that at that time he needed LOVE FROM ME, not anger.He said he also didn't have, well WE didn't have the communication to express our anger and solve problems before they escalated, in his case into resentment, etc. which made him vulnerable to a preying OW.<P> Now I don't know the state of your marriage,and I may be way off base, but like Twyla advised, look at your marriage and work on repairing that. Especially try to work on opening up communication - loving communication.<P>But I would also, quietly, follow through on your instincts and keep an eye on him. I had an intuitive feeling that my H was possibly infatuated with this very OW at the time, but discounted it. Never dreamed that he was capable of a PA, which he indeed was involved with. That is the only time in our marriage that I have ever felt suspicious, and I have been proven right. I wish I had snooped around back then, followed him, staked him out, done it all to expose the thing, although it was short-lived , thank goodness.<P>Good luck to you. I hope you work things out and that you do not have to go through the pain many of the rest of us are going through here.

About 15 years ago, I began finding phone numbers on little scraps of paper hidden in the house and in the garage. No name or address was written on any of them. I was already suspicious of my husband, so I went to the public library and looked up some of the numbers in a Criss Cross Directory. <P>I believe every U.S. city has such a directory (or used to). It should be near the phone directories for various cities, or you might ask for it at a reference desk. If the phone number isn't unlisted, you can look up the phone number and find the person's name, address and occasionally additional informaiton, such as occupation. <P>If you had this information, you could drive by the person's house when your husband is supposedly working late, and if his car was there... I drove to one of the addresses I found, knocked on the door, and politely asked the lady who answered if she knew Mr. (his name). She said she did. I asked her if she was seeing him, and she said yes. I asked her how long, and she told me. I then said calmly, "I am his wife". Then, I must tell you, I started shaking, out of fear of I don't know what, and I turned around and left. When I told him of this encounter, giving him her name and address, he agreed to call her and break off all contact, which he did in my presence. We did eventually divorce, because of the numerous women he was seeing while I was at work, but my reason for posting is just to point you to this Criss Cross directory in case this would be helpful to you. <p>[This message has been edited by computergal (edited May 10, 2001).]

Hi everyone! My copy of Surviving an Affair just arrived, and I am anxious to get started. I am getting the same advice from many of you, and I love this man so much. I know that in order for us to heal, he will have to confess the alledged A to me, but I am not pressing the issue. Wouldn't it be great if I became aware before anything happened (wishful thinking, but possible!) I will try to keep my eyes open, but I am not a sneaky person. I am doing so much better than I was Sat. I know that I am doing the right thing. Thanks to all of you and God bless you.

tere38 -<P>I am so happy for you! You are going to like that book - it has helped me so much!!! Remember my D-day was June 8 and June 12, 2000. June 8 was when the OW stayed at our house & I saw - and June 12 was Instant messenger night. <P>I am just finishing it - in appendix a now and I will be passing it to my husband. I sure hope it helps you. Things are getting back to normal w/my H and myself - we still have alot of work to do - I am game - it just seems like we don't have enough time.<P>any decision on the phone card? I know that alot of people say to repair the marriage - but you still need to do some watching too. I know I spend time with him and the computer now - It is such stupid stuff - all the stupid solicitors through e-mail - waste of time.<P>How are you emotionally now? I am pretty mellowed - but I still get pangs of hurt once in a while.<BR>aftershock

Aftershock, I am actually doing really well today. We are talking a great deal, but nothing has actually come out as far as a confession. I am continuing to do my part as the good wife, which I am enjoying so much. I have never acted this way to him, I know he thinks I am crazy!! I hope that in time he will trust me enough to let me know if anything is going on. Otherwise, I appreciate the suggestions, but I am not going to do anything to betray my husband's confidence (except talking on this site, cause I need you guys). I do plan to keep my eyes open, because I worry about sexual harrassment suits if the alledged OW decides to retaliate. Thanks again.