Hello, I just found out that my wife cheated on me with someone from her work two days ago. Prior to the affair I had confronted with some notes that she had brought home from work and tried to get ride of. She said it was only flirting, I told her that was not acceptable to be doing that it hurt me very much. To get to my real question here, what i need to know is what to do in the next couple of days. This has only happen this one time but she does work with this person and she is supposed to go to work tomorrow and Monday, I don't know if she has told him yet as I just found out last night and told her to go to her moms because I couldn't stand to see her right now. Should I insist that she not go to work for now or trust her that this was a one day thing? We have been married for 5 years and have a 4 1/2 old daughter. I would like to think we might be able to work it out but I don't think it will work if she continues to see him at work. There is alot more to this story but I am alittle upset right now and need alittle time to think.<BR>Thank you in advance<BR>

I am very sorry to read of your extremely painful experience. A couple of questions first. How did you find out? Was your wife honest and truthful to you and did she come clean? How long was the affiar? Is the OM married?<BR>If so I would inform his spouse immediately. Is your wife committed to working on the marriage? If the answer is yes then she must look for another job and stop all contact with the OM immediately. This means no phone calls etc. I know that the next question is hard but did she use protection when she had sex because it is very important that you be checked for any type of STD's.<BR>You and your wife need to go to counseling immediately if you both desire to save the marriage. You need to get her to explain to you why she did this to you and your family. I am sure that there is quite a lot more to the story. The question is how you will ever trust her again and is she willing to rebuild the marriage and gain back the trust she took from you. I wish you the best and suggest that you think long and hard what you wish from your marriage and your life. Good Luck.

Well, I had my suspicions amd confronted her hard about it last night, then she confessed. It was only a one night thing so far.She swears that it would not happen again, as he has nothing to offer her in way of a stable relationship After talking to her today, she says she is willing to try and work on the relationship. Some of her reasons were that I didn't compliment her enough or let her know that I still loved her, we didn't talk enough. The OM is single, 22. Wife and I are 29. I do feel their is some truth in what she had to say, but not to the point to do what she did. As far as her work goes, I'm torn because she has a good job and for us to live we need both incomes at the moment. We agreed that we need to start counseling as soon as possible, probably Monday trying to find one.( How do you find a good counselor ? , their are so many in the phone book)<BR>Thanks<BR>

Welcome <B>brian72</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Really... really ... check out the "concepts" pages...<BR>Also pull down the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters Questionnaire</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>!<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>A far as counseling...I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$120US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)! Also check out the post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008844.html" TARGET=_blank>looking for a counselor</A>…..zorweb/K…..5/11/2001<P>You have my prayers.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. The suggestion to contact Harley is a good one but he is very strong on stating that all contact must cease between the cheater and the lover. You are correct that there are many counselors and unfortunately there are also many poor ones as well.<BR>You have been very fair in admitting that you were not providing needs for your wife. On the other hand, it is also up to your wife to have voiced her needs to you. Did she do that and did you ignore them?<BR>I am a real believer in always checking for STD's. First it only takes one time for people to catch something as some of my friends will attest. Reading on these boards you will find that most cheaters when caught will always claim it happened only once and then later they will admit it happened more often. I think you may need to be prepared for this. I hope this is not the case.<BR>Did your wife understand the repercussions of her actions and why she was willing to destroy her marriage? She must learn as well as you to communicate your needs better. There is no excuse to engage in this type of hurtful behavior. Do you have children?<BR>Again it is not a good idea for her to continue to work at this place but I understand your situation. I would think that this OM should be aware by you that you know of his transgressions also.<BR>There is a comment you made that I find disturbing. You stated that your wife said to you that it would not happen again because the other man has nothing to offer her in a way of a stable relationship. I interpret that statement to read that <BR>either she would have thought about leaving you if he could have provided a stable relationship; or she would leave you for someone else in the future if he could provide a stable relationship for her. I think you have a lot of work to do.<BR>I also think that you should make it clear that you will never accept this again with him or anyone else or the marriage is over. <BR>I hope you can work this out but please think about having both of you checked out for STD's. This guy was young and single. Do you think he was also doing it with others? The answer is probably yes.<BR>I wish you luck Brian but I would also have her seek out other employment in the immediate future if she cannot leave her job right now. I would not want to know that my wife is leaving for work where a guy she slept with is also employed at the same place which is why I think it is important to make sure that he knows that you know.<BR>Good Luck.

Thank you for both of the reply's, I will be doing much more reading on this website.<BR>Yes, we do have 1 child, 4 1/2 years old.<BR>To answer your questions about me listening to her tell about her needs I do feel that I failed there in the last couple of years as we both agreeded that we never talked to each other unless we had a disagreement.I have been thinking about what she must have been thinkng to do what she did and I feel it was impulsive on her part(she was also drunk by the way) and that she may have had outside influence from her cousin/friend that alowed this to take place at her home while she was there and did nothing to stop it. I know I can't blame the cousin/friend, but it has been my experience with her(the cousin) that she is imature and didn't want to take any responsibity nor does she like me. I did find out today that my wife told her mother what had happen which suprised me because her mother had been cheated on. After talking to her mother today she said the same thing I was feeling that she(my wife) knew what she had done was very wrong an dosen't feel like it would happen again because she is willing to try and work things out. I am confident that this was the only time that it has happen. I also find what you said interesting about how she told me that after it happen she knew it wouldn't work out. From what I have read so far on this site that when the cheating spouse and the person they are cheating with break it off, it is because they know things will not work. I do agree that we have a long road ahead, but if we are both willing to admit what went wrong we should be able to make things right and hopefully better than before.<BR>One last question, you stated that I should confront the person she slept with and tell him how I feel. I have thought long about this and was leaning more towards not, but I'm curious why you think I should and should I do it by phone, letter, e-mail, or in person?<BR>Thanks<BR>

It sounds like you are determined to save your marriage which is excellent. I will tell you why I feel it would be a good idea to contact this OM although I am sure I am in the minority on this question. What do we know of this young man. He works with your wife. He goes to your home of your cousin while your wife gets drunk and he has sex with her. From his perspective you do not really exist as a real person. You are merely the husband of the woman he has had sex with and my guess is he will certainly try to continue if he can.<BR>If you contact him in person he will see that you are a real person and you know who he is and that there will be repercussions if he should ever try to contact your wife again. I guarantee you he will think twice about flirting with her at work. Otherwise to him you don't really exist and he is unable to put a face to a name. Put yourself in his position. Don't you feel that you would think twice about bothering her again if the husband confronted you.<BR>If he knows that you know and you did not contact him then how do you think he will perceive this. He will probably think either you don't care or you are a wimp. This is only my opinion but I guarantee you that a 22 year old guy will try again to get your wife. Why would he not if he thinks you really don't care either. I wish you luck.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>