my wife and i have been married for 18 years. we have 5 sons. I have been out of work for the past 6 months, casualty of the high tech industry. When I was working I was making a very comfortable income. For the past year and half my wife has wanted to back to school to get her bachelors degree. So she started this semester. I have been working very hard trying to find a new job. Our marriage has been on shakey ground from a communication standpoint for a very long time.
Background: About six years ago, at work there was this women. She was single. We started to get very close. But before I took steps that I regretted, I shut down that part of relationship, telling her that I was married, very much in love with my wife and my 5 boys. That I couldn't give that up for anything in world. Over the years I have been carrying this guilt. Finally I admitted to my wife that I came close to having an intimate affair. I have sworn that no sex was ever involved. Over the past couple of years, inorder to try to understand my wife better, I had been reading her emails.
A couple of weeks ago, I felt that we where getting back on the right track. She was being affectionate, loving and intimate. But that came to a screeching halt.
Now with my wife going to school, she has meet this guy who is little bit older. My wife came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked if she could catch a ride with this guy across country to go and visit her parents. That he was willing to show up at her parents house with his parents to show that everything is on the up and up. He is married with older kids. Supposedly still living at home, while he and his wife are sleeping in seperate rooms. I just recently found a card that he sent to my wife. I also started to read the emails that he and wife have been sending to each other. They where starting to get real personal and intimate. The past couple of email indicated that they have started to kiss. 2 weeks ago my wife and he via email set up a meet at the public library. After reading the emails, I found the both of them there. I printed out all the emails, thinking that it was protecting myself and my kids that if our relationship ever got to a point where we would get a divorce. Just this past Saturday, my wife started to get suspicious of my checking on her by reading her emails. Changed her password and deleted all of her previous emails. I became furious, mad, and resentful that I lost my only means to know what was going on. I shut down her email. I also told her that I had hard copies of the emails that she and this guy have been passing back and forth to. We got into a very big fight. My reaction was to take all her means to travel or communicate with anyone. I finally gave in, and she went and meet with guy. She arrive home after being gone for three hours. She went to where this guy works as a bartender. They just talked. She finally admitted to me that she has feelings for this guy and that they have kissed. She says that she still respects me as a man, father and person. She has asked me to back off and give her time.
I've asked that for us to get back on track, that she stop any interaction with this guy. She just insists that she needs time.
I grew up in a home with divorced parents. Since that happended I have had very hard time trusting anyone. During the 18 years of my marriage, I've have avoided any confrontation, conflict or uneasy areas of communication with my wife. It has lead to me being very uncommunitative.
Our marriage has been like a roller coaster. Over the years the root of our marriage problems is that I don't communicate very well. I feel that this guy is giving her a line, and telling her what she wants to hear.
After doing a lot of soul searching and thinking, I feel that I have not been truthful with my wife but not speaking my mind. I also realize that this has lead her to feel manipulated and controlled. I've read Dr Harley's book "His needs, Her needs".
So inorder to begin building trust, I've given her all the printed out emails between her and this guy. Told her that I couldn't stop her from doing anything that she wanted to do. I also have started to try to talk more. Telling her what I was feeling, good or bad.
This morning she has left for school. I am going out of my mind. Wanting to trust her, but at the same time being very suspicious that she is going to see this guy. I feel I can't trust her. I also driving myself nuts trying to figure out to expand the topics of conversation. If I give her a compliment, I feel I am getting the cold shoulder. I've prayed asking for the will, strength, and will power to get thru this. Any comments, advice or direction would help so that I can prove to my wife that I am sincere that I want this marriage to work growing old and happy together.
