Not a good weekend for me. I had thought that W was making some progress towards at least an attempt to work on the M, but I am not so sure anymore.<p>I overheard W talking on the phone to a friend and say "this is my window of opportunity, I need to take it, I can do it by myself, I just need to figure out how to keep the kids from getting hurt." W has surrounded herself with friends and family who 'understand' her having an A and will agree with her decision to end the M and help her through it. She has also distanced herself from family who has been telling her what a huge mistake she has and is making, I guess this is typical for a WS. Whether it be 'fog-ese' or something else, W has completely isolated herself from the suffering that the A has caused and makes no attempt to help her, me, us, the kids or the M. She has also stopped taking (only took it for a few days) AD's and says she has seen enough therapists in her life to know that they can't help her. I've tried to talk to her about getting help, but it falls on deaf ears.<p>W and I talked later that night and it has become clear that W does not want to even try and reconcile or work on the M, she just wants to continue her downward spiral towards D. Prior to me meeting W, I had a brief relationship wth a woman and she became pregnant. I found out about this shortly after W and I were married and it has always been a dark cloud hanging over our relationship. I have spent the last 13 years trying to tell W that the relationship was completely superficial and was only for sex and that I do not want a relationship with this child (right or wrong, stone me if you want, it is how I feel). W says that she can never get over this and that is what is dooming our marriage. So, in a way, I betrayed her long ago and now she has betrayed me, only difference is that I am willing to forgive and work through it. I get the feeling that she is using this situation to justify her decision to not work on rebuilding the M. She claims that she needs to release me so that I can go have a relationship with this child.<p>I'm at the point where I don't think I really want to continue in this situation anymore. I know it has been only 2-1/2 months, but W's indifference and complete lack of concern for her hurting me, the kids or her family has drained everything from me. I'm afraid that if I continue this way, the love I have for her will die, I guess I am just trying to preserve the love that I still have for her. W has also become very secretive which makes me wonder if the A might be starting up again, or if she is trying to rekindle the EA she had 6 years ago. And to be honset, I don't care anymore what she does because I am not going to let her hurt me like that again.<p>I told W that I would be moving out at the end of the year unless something changes. It isn't fair to anyone involved to continue like this. Maybe I am just weak, but I do know that it is getting to the time where I have to distance myself from W so that I can dedicate all my time to getting myself straight and helping my kids through this. <p>Just looking for a little support, or maybe a slap in the face to tell me I'm doing the wrong thing. Any advice would be appreciated.

lhs - All of what you describe - from her rationalizations to your despair - is so, so typical. Neither she nor you are unique for the circumstances. Her rationale about you regarding the other child is pure WS illogic. The alien abductees will dredge up anything from the past that even minutely can be fashioned into a logical explanation - to them - for what they're doing.<p>I can identify with much oe your description. Especially the family stuff. Very typical. Proof positive that blood is thicker than mud.<p>You mentioned moving out? Please think hard about this. I recommend you stay put and let her move out. This is what I did and it was the smartest thing i did in this whole ordeal. ANY decision that is made that weakens the family unit should be hers alone. This keeps you on the moral high ground both emotionally and legally. If your circumstances somehow give you no choice but to leave, make sure you have a legal separation on the basis of adultery BEFORE you leave to establish your position.<p>Try to stay put and work the plan. Your kids need you.

lhs,<p>I have to leave right now. I knew something was up with you. I'll post later. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!! Life will get better. This is one of those bad times and how you get through it is up to you. You can do it. Don't forget the things you've learned.<p>
who

lhs,<p>Check your email.<p>who

<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Getting very tired ]</p>

loveherstill,
Don't give up. You've helped me a lot with your words. You encouraged me when I was ready to throw in the towel. You told me to be strong, and take care of myself, when everybody else was screaming to dump H you told me to hang in there. Please don't loose hope. Stay strong.

I'm back, been taking a break for the last few days.<p>I think the other night was a break-through for me. I have finally realized how much of an enabeler I have been these last years that allowed W to get into situations where it was easy to have an A, although this was the first EA/PA, it was only a matter of time. W was constantly telling me that being only a mom for all these years was breaking her down so she needed to go out and have some fun, to find herself. So I let her, unfortunatly W spent a lot of time finding herself in alcohol and bars and creating a second life with her friends. I would press her on this, telling her that it wasn't the right thing to do and then we would get into huge fights over it. It got to the point where I just didn't say anything anymore because the arguing wasn't worth it. Besides, when W was drinking, she was meeting my sexual needs to appease me, but I was left feeling hollow afterwards because I knew there was a lot missing in our relationship. I didn't know about MB at the time, but had an idea that our EN's and PN's weren't really being met by either one of us. <p>W went out the same night and tied another one on, ended up hurting herself and having to go to the ER (found out she had a BAC 2x over the legal limit). When W came home, she wanted sympathy and compassion from me, to take care of her during her time of need. I told her not anymore, I'm done taking care of you when you get like this (so many times I had to help her into bed, make sure she got to the bathroom before getting sick, etc). I told her its your life, you want to act like this, you can deal with the consequences, you are a wife and mother, start acting like one. Last night I told W that I had enough of her hanging out with BF all the time and treating me and the kids like second class citizens. W spends all her time with BF and rarely any time with us (it been over 4 months since W did anything with us as a family). Told her that maybe she should move in with BF since they get along so well. I'm sure this was an LB, but I really felt it needed to be said. I think last night I finally let go of something that was preventing me from moving ahead. <p>I have had enough of W's self-serving/self-centered attitude. A while back my youngest daughter told me that she would rather not have a mommy than the one she has right now- that hurts big time! I am still going to Plan A and try and prevent LB's, but my focus is going to be redirected towards the kids and myself, we deserve a heck of a lot better than what W is giving us right now.<p>If I am sounding angry its because I am. Angry, bitter and resentful at what has happened and the pain we are going through as a family. W's continued lack of remorse or commitment to me, the kids or the M makes it even worse. But I'm dealing with it, not going to let it destroy us, that's something I am learning to do. A lot has happened recently, just got to give it more time and see what develops.<p>Arpow- thanx for the reply and reminder, I'm not giving up, just not giving in anymore, Tired (that should be my users name)- I'm reading SAA right now, its helping me as well.<p>Who- the $20 bill story was great, e-mailed it to W, hopefully she reads it.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by loveherstill:
<strong><p>Who- the $20 bill story was great, e-mailed it to W, hopefully she reads it.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
lhs,<p>I mailed that for you not your W. To be honest I printed it out for my W also. Then I started thinking about it and that act alone is "enabling". It lets her know that she can continue her pattern and I am continuing mine by being the shoulder to cry on. Think about it - I know what's in your heart and your heart is good but how is your W going to interpet it. You're hoping to help her change. <p>You're ahead of me in the game lhs. It's taken me a year to figure the same things out. I do have one piece of advice though. Be consistant and be honest with yourself about your ability to plan A while trying to change the way you enable. It's confusing and it's hard to put your foot down while still loving your W. The trick is to love without going back to your enabling ways and not to let your anger get in the way. I know how hard that is for you because I'm the same way and have made a lot of mistakes. <p>It is so amazing the similarities I see in our situations. I knew you would emerge from this. You're a strong person.<p>
who

Who,<p>W and I have talked since the second ER incident and I can tell that she is scared of what she is doing. W realizes that she is being destructive with her constant partying and is looking for ways to get help, she is feeling really down right now. I love her dearly and don't want to see her hurting like she is, but, the pain she is going through from her destructive behavior is her fault and she has to deal with it herself. I'm just going to make sure that I am here to listen to her and help her if she asks, part of Plan A. For me, sending W the email isn't an act of enabling, just my way of saying you are not worthless regardless of how you feel right now or what others say and I will always love you, for better or worse. Same goes for me as well.<p>The enabling part took a lot of work by me to figure out (why I have been absent for a while). What I see is that by me taking care of W when she is doing non-marriage building things only reinforces what she is doing is ok. I'm not saying that I am going to put her in danger, but she is going to have to face the consequences of her actions (like taking care of the kids with a hangover the next day instead of me taking a day off of work to take care of her). I'm also guilty of making it too easy for her to go do things I feel do not contribute to a healthy M, like coming home from work early so she can get an early start on the bar scene. I don't have a problem with W going out and having fun, but when it starts to interfere with our commitments to each other and the family, thats when it becomes a problem and I am no longer going to stand by and let it happen. I know arguing isn't going to help, I need to figure out some other constructive ways to let her know I am no longer going to accept this kind of behavior.<p>In a way I see myself in the same role my mom was in when I was young. My dad was a serious alcoholic and my mom was always trying to cover it up from us and friends and take care of him when he was so drunk he couldn't. Not until my mom finally said "Enough, you take care of yourself when you do this" did my dad finally figure it out and get the help he needed. And no, I don't think this is a co-dependency issue.