This is my first post. Since October of last year my husband has become very good friends with a woman where he works. She's been married for 28 yrs. Our marriage has a very rocky history. My husband had affairs in the past, but has been faithful for at least past 10 years. We've been married 30 yrs.<p>I have a big problem with this friendship. He swears there is nothing sexual about it. Says he's not attracted to her that way at all. They've gone out to lunch together and also out to drink with others from work in a group. I gave him an ultimatum about those and he's promised not to go anywhere with her anymore like that, even though he's adamant that it's only friendship. They talk about things at work supposedly. She is a big talker/talks incessantly. I think maybe her husband doesn't listen and there's her attraction to my husband. He says all he does is listen. But I want him to be listening to ME!!<p>I've called her and told her my problems with their friendship and she says she understands. Here's the thing....she still calls him on his cell phone on his way to work several times a week. I know this cause I can track his calls online without him knowing. He says he can see nothing wrong with her calling him and then says he can't stand being checked up on. (He thinks I'm trying to call, getting a busy signal and that's how I know she calls him.) It's making me crazy. I really think she has an agenda to break us up and he says I'm being psycho about it. He thinks it's just an innocent friendship cause HE doesn't want more from it. But I say if SHE has plans for more than that, that makes it something serious to me. Of course I can't prove she wants it to turn into an affair. My husband says he really loves me and we are doing great, except for this--which really makes me mad! I just can't let it go and relax knowing she's calling him like that. And then working with him--not in his dept, but in the building. <p>It's such a silly thing. Why can't he see it like I do? I feel that he doesn't validate my feelings by brushing me off like he is. He says I'm going to make it something it isn't, by my jealousy. We can't discuss it anymore without getting into an argument. My husband really hasn't ever had any friends, so part of me feels bad making him drop her (the giver?) while part of me wants to do something crazy like find someone (a man) to be MY friend and see how he likes it! But I'd never do that......HELP!!!!!

I am very new at Marriage Builders.My first post was on Monday.But,your H sounds just like mine.And my H can't have "friendships" because they turn into affairs.You have every right to be worried about this women.Just how do you track on line? I am so sorry for what you are going threw,I know how you feel,and maybe it is not an affair yet.But,look out.

I have a similar situation with my husband. Other than the fact I think he is still in love with a woman he knew before we were married. They were friends for 8 years and he was in love with her, she never wanted anything more than friendship so that's how it has been. I worry every day almost every hour that one day she will decide she has been a fool for not seeing how in love she is with him and will want to take him away from me. I wonder if he is still in love with her and if she said "jump" would he do it. I get the impression that scares you too. The thought of knowing if she ever decided to have a pa your husband would be an easy target.<p>I would tell him immediately that things must end now. No more phone calls, no more drinks, no more friendship. I would tell him with his track record you just think it's too much temptation. If you were an alcoholic would you choose bartending as a profession? If you were a gambling addict would you move to Las Vegas? The answer is NO. You simply don't put yourself in that situation. He should realize that he is putting himself at risk. I use to smoke and every once in a while when I go to a convienance store I will be tempted to buy a pack. But I know what that means. I will buy them and try to keep myself from opening that pack thinking that if the plastic wrapper never comes off then I'm ok. But guess what the wrapper will come off one will get smoked and then I'm back smoking again so I just don't buy them. It's that simple. We make choices. Your husband has to make a choice too. I hope I've helped you. I wish you and your family the best of luck. God bless and keep you.

Thanks for the input! What really makes me mad about this is I think that I've issued a challenge to her by telling her that I didn't want her calling him anymore. She was so nice and understanding about it--we talked for about half an hour and I thought we'd really come to an understanding. I thought maybe he was right, that it really was just an innocent friend-thing. But now she's still calling and my husband defends it by saying she's telling him about what's going on at work before he gets there. (It's a retail store and he works different shifts, different days.) He said he likes having an edge before he gets there and since it's totally harmless, there's no reason for me to be so upset. We wind up at a complete standstill--both of us so upset, things are terrible. Then I feel she's won, by destroying our peace, making me look like a crazy and her the sane 'friend.' Sometimes I think maybe I should just keep quiet and see if it goes anywhere. But why should I do that when I have such bad feelings about the relationship?<p>I'd love to know what HER HUSBAND thinks about her friendship with my husband. He knows something about it, but I'm not sure he knows to the extent she pursues him.<p>By the way, our cell phones have a feature that we have accounts established online and with a password we can see who outgoing calls are placed to and when incoming calls are made and how long they last. He doesn't know I know his password. We're a little short on honesty right now. I feel it's my only defence though, since he doesn't tell me when she calls cause I get so upset.

Why should you have to start building your relationship over again if this does turn into something more? Starting over again after another a after ten years of sacrifice and forgiveness is alot to ask. <p>I don't know about this female "friend" of his. Sounds like she needs this relationship too or she would have stopped contact after you spoke with her about your feelings.<p>Maybe she needs to be needed. I have never confronted my husband's friend, but she has never really done anything. He loves her, I don't know if the feeling is mutual.<p>Do you think you should try to talk to her again? Maybe a little hint that if you can't make her stop calling your husband then maybe her spouse can? <p>If her husband knows your husband's history of affairs, that might be all it takes.

Dear amazinggrace,<p>This stinks. I can say that because it is so like what has happened between my H and me and his BestFriend, a younger (married) woman who he worked with. <p>We also have come to a standoff. There has been no touching of any kind between us for about a year, and he told me we will never make love again. I moved into a spare room because sleeping beside him became too painful and difficult.<p>he continues contact with the OW who changed jobs (a move up the career ladder)<p>Please, make an appointment with the Harleys for counseling for yourself. Read all of Plan A and Plan B, read Emotional Needs, educate yourself thoroughly on the articles on the MB boards.<p>I wish I'd found MB earlier, gotten counseling with one of the Harleys, done something different than lovebust, disrespectful outbursts. I sometimes even wish I'd gone through with a divorce, rather than prolonging this agony.<p>We have similar things going on. My H and his BestFriend phone each other every day. My neighbors see him on his cell phone while he is walking the dog. They think he is working. Ha!<p>Come back here if you need to talk.<p>(((((((((((((((amazinggrace))))))))))))))))

Well, not to scare you, but my H was also NOT at all physically attracted to the woman (my former best friend) who almost destroyed our marriage. After swearing it was EA only, and that he had no reason to go elsewhere for sex (said he had great sex life at home)....I found out years later that it was indeed a physical affair. Including IN MY BED and this 6 mos after I was her maid of honor. <p>He now says the sex was awful but usually an EA does lead to that if it goes on long enough. If your H cares about you, he'll stop this. It's not fair to anybody. Good luck

An update: We've had a few calm discussions about his friendship with a woman at work since my last post. He still says I'm checking up on him by dropping in the store where he works or going by the bars he frequents. It's funny. Really several times I've found them together I wasn't checking up on him at all! I was just impressed to go by the bar and there her car was....with both of them inside! They were just talking of course......according to both of them. It's like the Lord has led me everytime to find out what was going on.<p>He got really, really angry Sunday night at me for stopping by the bar where he was drinking. I was driving home from church, there was his truck, so I just thought I'd go in and see if he was with anyone. He doesn't have a good history in this area, you know. He was just sitting with some other old guys and I sat there for awhile and made small talk, then asked him if he'd come home with me. He said in a minute he'd be home.<p>About 2 hours later he got home and accused me of 'checking up on him' again; said how sick of it he was. Accused me of calling her again--but I hadn't. He was really drunk and usually I don't pay any attention to what he says while in that condition. But he said some really mean stuff and I've had it with him.<p>I told him this morning as I was getting out of bed that I'd been doing some thinking about us. I told him that the reason I felt like I needed to check on what he was doing was because in the past when he was seeing other women he always lied, sneaked around and hid things from me. So I don't want to go thru anything like that again--I want to find out NOW if that's what's happening. I told him that if he couldn't be honest and accountible in our marriage, I was just tired of thinking about it all the time. If he wants me not to care about what he does or who he talks to on the phone, then I can do that, but to NOT CARE I will have to withdraw myself from him and the relationship. Because if I still care about him, then I will care about what he does. AND if I have to withdraw from the relationship, then it's time to separate so he can decide what he really wants in life: me or all that other stuff he seems to find so fun.<p>He didn't say anything about it all morning. He didn't have to be at work till 11AM. Finally I asked him if he'd heard anything I said this morning. He said yes, he's still thinking.<p>I checked the phone records after he got to work and there's a 13 minute call from someone to his phone before his shift started. I don't have to wonder who....<p>I've really turned all this over to the Lord and have a great peace about it all. Whatever happens is in His Hands. I know however it turns out will be for my good. I'm standing in a place of having done all I know to do, then standing. I'm not going to do any 'acting out' or silly stuff. I've read James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" book and am doing what he recommends. I'm new to Dr. Harley's books, but plan to read them soon. I appreciate everyone who replied to my posts. Your input is very valuable to me.
Thanks!