Well, just like it says, I've just come to grips with where my WW and I really are in all this, and I've updated my profile accordingly. <p>It's just like coming out of my own fog of sorts. A fog of my wishful thinking that we were doing much better than we really are at this point, 2 months after finding out. Except that it's not 2 months, it's now 15 days. And if (when) there's another personal email sent to or from OM, however innocent WW thinks it is, I'll reset that bloody clock again. <p>What changed my thinking? EXCELLENT feedback from people on this site, particularly Just Learning. He pointed me to SKM's Chronicles, which gave me a better perspective on what my W is going through while I'm on my rollercoaster ride of emotional upheavals. And more recently, I read the article in Psychology Today about affairs that was linked in a post last night (I apologize to the poster for forgetting who they are - thanks!). I think that's the best article about affairs I've come across. I would like my WW to read it one of these days, maybe when she's not so proud of herself and can realize she needs to really do something on her part to work on our relationship.<p>Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset or angry... well, I am (who in this position isn't), but coming to grips with the fact that we're really only in the "just found out" state, not even close to being "in recovery" is giving me a much firmer perspective on what I can do, what I need to see my WW do in a reasonable timeframe, and so I'm feeling okay again about myself in particular, and maybe just a little bit optimistic about the future. <p>Obviously, I'd like to get out of the "just found out" state as quickly as possible, but I have to be a little patient (more than I have been) with my W's position in this process. At the same time, I do need to establish reasonable boundaries for ME, and communicate those to her so that she can decide what her boundaries are. And then WE can compare our own desires and come up with relationship boundaries to agree upon. <p>Two important things for me will be 1) what to do about OM, and 2) how long should I wait for W to "come to grips" with where we are exactly, and take rebuilding seriously? <p>1) I know, I know. I've gotten all kinds of advice, all of it excellent, on what to do about OM issue and continued email contact. Most say insist on no contact, some say let W decide (and either live with decision or don't), and best advice I've gotten from my IC is to focus on the relationship, and if it improves, OM will become a non-issue. I like and dislike that approach, but think it's the best in my case. Make no mistake, however. The clock is ticking, and I'll be updating that profile if I have to.
2) Just Learning points out that, since my W's A with OM is 11 years old, it will take her 6 months or more to withdraw. We had a major house fire in October. We will have to be moved back into the house this October, as our replacement rental insurance is only for 12 months. We've been focusing on rebuilding and restoring our house - one of the good things in our relationship, and very rewarding for both of us. I think the move-in date, about October 15, giving almost 7 months from now, is a good boundary for me (and her, probably, though we'll "poja" it) to go from Plan A, to possibly having to resort to something like Plan B. That seems like a long time for me to wait for true recovery to start, but considering the nature and length of our M (and how I feel about my W), and length of A, it's going to be difficult and take time for proud W to come to grips with what is reall going on in our minds and recognize what recovery will require of her. There's another factor in all this: my employment. I work in a small field. I have a good job, but I may be offered another good, and in some ways better, job in the same field in another state. If the offer comes (and I was urged to apply by those that wrote the announcement), the start date would likely be sometime around late summer or early fall. I could conceivably take the new job while taking a leave without pay from my current job for as long as 2 years and still return to my current job. So, one possible Plan B would have me at this new job out of state (though another possibility, if recovery really gets under way, would be for the whole family to move). <p>So, anyway, this is just a part of what I've been thinking my boundaries might look like. I hope to begin discussing these and others with my W, but I'll try not to push her too hard. I want her to choose our M, not be coerced into accepting it.<p>cheers, one and all, and thanks to all of you that are really helping me sort this all out!
