I just found out 5 days ago about my husband's affair. It has been ongoing for about 3 years. He told me about it and says he wants it to stop and wants to try to work things out. I understand that contact with OW needs to cease, but it happens to be a family member. No one else knows in the family, and cutting off contact would be difficult if not nearly impossible. What do I do?<p>I realize this sounds like a strange situation...if you'll scroll down, I've posted another message to sort of explain things. I need all the help I can get.<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: dani1990 ]</p>

First of all, I am sorry for your pain. I thought it was bad enought that my H's affair was with my (former) best friend. To have it be family must be awful. Yes, contact must end completely. Don't worry about what other people will think, it's necessary to save/restore your marriage.<p>The following really helped our marriage:
-counseling(very important, hard to heal without it)
-prayer
-a 9 mos separation (H was still seeing OW and I couldn't handle it. He moved out to pursue her but we eventually got back together)
-reading. I especially like Torn Asunder and the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com
They both do a really good job of explaining things from the BS viewpoint, why we need to know to rebuild, etc.
-a network of friends to confide in/vent to<p>I pray that you will be able to work this out. I see 2 positives in your situation:<p>H told you (my H lied for 6 years about it and even lied to the counselor. This makes recovery much harder)
He wants your marriage to work.<p>It is a lot of hard work to recover from infidelity. But it can be done and it IS worth it. Good luck and keep posting

Welcome dani1990...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>It may/will be very hard to keep your WH from "in general" keeping in proximity...
...but a firm resolution to to have no conversations (beyond what be absolutely necessary)... is very important.<p>Your H must commit to this..
..and the "relative" OW must commit to it too!<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>You have my prayers.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

dani1990.<p>Oh My God! A family member?! How sad. My W had a one-nighter with a friend of her family in our garage while I was still in bed sleeping that has lived with her mom and sisters for years. Thank god they live in Oregon and he is out of picture, but still, I don't feel I can go up and visit again, plus, if her mom/sister knows about it and he is still living there, what does that say about them? The other PA is a mutual friend that won't be out-of-the-picture due to kids being friends and same school, etc.<p>You have a damn hard situation there. I can just imagine what big family gatherings are going to be like. Never the same again. He is going to have to cut all contact as much as is humanly possible given the family ties involved. It's going to be especially hard for you not to shoot dagger-eyes at the OW or even lash out at her. <p>Maggierose gave you some great advice there to start with. It's a blessing that you came to this forum. Lots of good people here with great advise and stories of their own to tell. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. The shame and embarrassment we feel when discovery happens is overwhelming. I tried to hide my body from my spouse for awhile after I found out. You can't help feeling that you are not attractive after you hear of the infidelity. I can't help but to take this personally, no matter the reasons for the PA's. Be prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts. Your H will really have to work with you to show that he is sincere about ending the A and making your marriage work. What's really hard to do is to be considerate of his feelings and trying to meet his EN's while you are dealing with your pain and anger. He came to you. A good sign. He is now vunerable and you can easily scare him away. He wants to end it and is now asking you for help to do so. Apparantly he may feel stuck in the A and doesn't know how to break clean of it without you finding out about it, so he has come to you first.<p>If you love him enough to work with him and save the marriage, then take this opportunity and run with it. Keep coming to this forum. It's a great place to vent and share. God bless and Good luck.

I want to clarify a couple things about my situation. I feel like I belong on the Jerry Springer show. This OW is husband's 3rd step-cousin. We had become very close to the whole family in the past few years. They live in another state, but we visited a lot, they visited a lot, etc. I was never worried about him and her, because I thought that even though they're not really cousins, the step thing would matter. In fact, it never crossed my mind. They have a lot in common, personality-wise, and I thought it was great that he could have fun with her. I, also, was very close to her. I felt like she was the sister that I never had. She's a very fun and loving person, although I basically hate her guts now. I can't get over how she talked to me all the time and did fun things with me and then screwed me over, so to speak. I never had qualms about the two of them being alone together. He says he doesn't know how it happened, he feels sick, but he says he's worried about her. Admittedly, she's much less stable emotionally than I've ever been, although at this point, I'm probably more of a wreck than her. He says he doesn't know what she'll do if he quits talking to her altogether. I suggested that we talk to her together, since we both love her (how screwed up is that?) and then cut off contact until we get our marriage back together. Then, gradually, we could begin to see her again, but never him alone with her. This is going to be very hard to explain, however, because we're so close to the whole family. They will wonder what's going on, and I don't think anyone else needs to know right now. My daughter is also very attached to this person and the whole family. <p>I want to stay married. I've realized that I've basically been ignoring my husband since my daughter was born, thus giving him a reason to find someone else to turn to. I also admit that I contemplated affairs twice during the past 3 years, but never had quite the opportunity to follow through. So I know how he was tempted. I just don't know what to do.

Thinking you can (or will) in the future be friends again with the OW....
...is a mistake!<p>Minimize contact for the benefit of your marriage...
You marriage is much more important than any other "family" friendship.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR