Hi everyone,
I have a new question. I know how to get in touch with OM's wife. Should I call her and meet her to discuss situation? Should I just do it over the telephone? How much should I confide in her? It makes me a little nervous bringing in the OM's W. Because all I know about is EA related, she might "say so what there just friends"I haven't seen anything on MB re: this topic. Or did I see it and it's just a fog.Your thoughts are a big help.

cwmac<p>It is very obvious by all of your postings that you are very anxious to get near immediate results in ending this EA that your W has. In some cases it has proven itself to be helpful to contact the OM/OW&#8217;s spouse to help intercede in the A, but right now I believe that you are jumping way ahead of yourself here. At this point in time, any aggressive steps of action that you may take to force an end to the A will only serve to royally piss-off your W! She already doesn&#8217;t understand why she can&#8217;t have a &#8220;friendship&#8221; with the OM or how the EA is hurting you and the M, and this action that you wish to take will only exacerbate the problem you are facing. You will even further distance your W and you may be creating an even bigger mess by getting the OM&#8217;s spouse involved. If the OM is suddenly faced with a situation at home with his spouse over this &#8220;friendship&#8221;, your W may just run to his aide to help him with his pain, and it will be a pain that YOU caused and your W will blame you for it. This process is going to take time. You need to be patient. Your W has to come to the realization that this &#8220;friendship&#8221; is really an EA (which she doesn&#8217;t recognize yet) on her own. But, with your help through doing Plan A and possibly reading some of the recommended books on surviving affairs, and making your W a partner in the process, you may get the desired results that you seek. She will have withdrawal anxiety when she decides to separate from the EA and you will need to support and reward her efforts when she does so, but right now I would recommend that you do not get the OM&#8217;s W involved. You will only create a &#8220;crisis&#8221; that will possibly bring the OM and your W closer together through adversity and shared pain. This is the opposite result that you desire. You stepping in like that is the equivalent of you declaring loudly that THIS IS AN AFFAIR, DAMN IT, AND I&#8217;M GOING TO STOP IT NOW! At this point you do not want to be accusatory or judgmental. You are learning to address your W&#8217;s EN&#8217;s and this action will be detrimental. Though you had a talk with her and it was promising, you must remember that she is not going to &#8220;get it&#8221; overnight. Hopefully, she will be learning through both of you working together that what she has is indeed an EA and that it needs to end for both of you to continue together in a healthy fulfilling M.<p>Good luck. And again, I hope other more seasoned members add their comments and advise.

I learned pretty early on that doing anything to sabotage the affair only served to feed it and make it more intense.<p>Focussing on trying to be a good husband and also improving my own life - taking up swimming, watching football, being a better Dad (very rewarding) - while at the same time telling her and showing her I loved her was more successful.<p>Think carefully about anything you do - reacting to your first thought is usually not helpful. Read up on Plan A. then read it once a week for the rest of your life!

cwmac-
I agree with Blind sided. I have been in your w's shoes. It will be hard for her to give up OM. You need to appear to be on her side. Anything you do to cause harm or distress to OM will serve to drive your W and OM back together. There is a great sense on the part of the WS that the OP is the only person who really understands this who event. The temptation for her to continue to continue contact will be great, and if you contact OM or OM's wife, it will give her reason to defend him and want to talk to him. <p>I imagine it is incredibly hard to be patient, but give this some time to heal. It can be fixed, but it won't be fixed over night.

I guess I will take the opposite position and maintain that you should contact the wife of the OM on two points. First, according to the Harley's it is absolutely essential that the affair come to light and deal with the ramifications it has on all of the betrayed spouses. The sneaking and lying gives it a romantic quality. When the other spouses are aware it makes it a lot less romantic and more of a problem. Second, the OM's wife has a right to know what is going on and therefore she can be aware and attempt to deal with the problem. It is much more difficult for an EA to turn PA if both of the betrayed spouses are aware and fighting for the marriages. It also becomes much more difficult for them to meet by themselves.<p>I think that you should also make it clear to your wife that you are aware of her constant lying to you and you are tired of her disrepsect toward you and your marriage. Ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed and she keep finding out how you were lying to her about constant contact with the OW? I bet she would not be so forgiving. I wish you luck.

cwmac-
When weighing the pros and cons, remember that you want your WS to feel like she is working on this with you as a partner. You do not wan her to feel like you are treating her like she is a misbehaving child and start making demands and rules. She'll likely not respond well, IMO.

Thanks again everyone.
It's funny but the advice that you all gave is what I had decided to do until last night when I saw a number of strings on the MB that discussed getting the OM spouse involved.
They had said that they had discussed the situation and had told the spouse about MB. Like your advice I thought that was very risky because you never know how she'll react.
So I guess I'm not as stupid as I look.
Thanks again

cwmac~
Just like your W, my WH refused to admit his relationship with OW at work was ANYTHING more than just friendship--even when it was clear that he was lying to me, making secret plans to have lunch together, go to bars together, talking on his cell phone and at work, etc. He said he just kept it from me so I wouldn't be so upset. He couldn't understand why I was freaking out over the fact that he was 'talking' to another woman. He kept assuring me he WASN'T having sex or any kind of sexual activity with her, so that was supposed to make it OKAY! All their relationship did was get much closer the longer it went on. I kept giving him time to end it; he kept saying he would and now it's such a mess that she's talking about leaving her H, even after my WH told her Saturday that he had to stop seeing her or move out. He said he told her he never planned to move out. But her contact with WH has not stopped and she may be telling her H about leaving this weekend while they're away celebrating their 30th anniversary......I think she's trying to force WH's hand by threatening to tell her H. It's a very strange situation.<p>In hindsight I wish I'd contacted OW's H long ago. Any time I've talked to OW about how I feel about EA she is quick to tell me that her H does not mind their 'friendship' supposedly making ME the 'crazy one' to have a problem with it. I think he might not be so laid back about it if he knew everything I know. (I have a note OW wrote to my H that says she loves him, etc.)<p>Something that helped put my WH over the edge in having to admit this was an EA and NOT just friendship was the articles on MB site about recovery after infidelity (#1-3 How affairs begin, etc.). My WH wouldn't read them from the web site I knew, so I printed them out and saved them for a time when I could share the articles with him in a non-threatening way.<p>We went out of town for Easter weekend and I took them along. While riding in the car I told my WH about the articles and told him how insightful I thought he'd find them. (He was becoming alarmed at OW's attachment to him, he'd said.) I then asked if he'd mind if I read them while he drove. He agreed and commented in several places about how the articles addressed exactly how 'friendship' with OW had turned into EA!! He finally understood my big concerns, but I can't say that admission has made our rollercoaster ride any easier. I guess it has in a way, because at least we aren't still stuck in the old conversations when I tried to explain my concerns with talking and being with OW. It hasn't made ending it any easier.....<p>I never in a million years would have thought we could be involved in a mess like this, even though many years ago my WH was involved in PA with at least 2 or 3 OW. Those were nothing, compared to this! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] The PAs ended and that was all there was to it!!<p>Do a search on my membership number and read some of my other posts. Our situations seem like they have a lot in common. I've thought I was seriously going crazy several times. This site has been a life-line!<p>amazingrace

cwmac - what may be a "new" question for you gets aired out here pretty frequently. Each time it's asked, I drag out this old post.<p>On Informing OP's Spouse Of The Affair<p>As you will read, there are a lot of things to consider and your situation may dictate a specific decision - especially since you seem convinced it's not sexual. This is why I recommend in my Guidelines that a BS seek professional advice before pulling this trigger. However, it seems that most here end up agreeing that telling is needed sooner or later.<p>I hope this helps and I invite anybody to add to the thread.