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#413140 05/06/02 05:33 AM
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I have been married for 14 years and have 4 daughters. My husband moved out two weeks ago and stated he needed to clear his head and figure out what he wanted in life. He states he is unhappy and needs to find happiness. He stated it is not do to me or the children. I recently found photographs of my husband with another female. This has completely devastated me. I was angry and lashed out at him. He states he does not want a divorce, however, he has no desires to be with me. He does not want to be intimate with me, he states I upset his stomach each time we are together. What do I do??? I have read all the articles on this web site and they have provided me with some insight. However, it is still hard to deal with.<p>I am not functioning well. I cant sleep, I have no desire to eat food. I cry all the time at the drop of a hat. This is not good for my daughters. I need to move on with my life but having difficulties advancing.<p>I said many hateful things to my husband, that I can not take back. I miss him and I truly love him more than I love life. What do I do?? We have not spoken to each other in days. Now that it is out in the open he states a lot of pressure has been lifted off his shoulders. I feel now I have all the pressure.

#413141 05/06/02 06:08 AM
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Dear deelam,
if I could I'd give you a big hug and try to give you a portion of my strength. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
I feel what pain you are going through.
If I could give you advice, I wouldn't be sure if you would follow it. But I will try. I still have my own pain to deal with, but I would say I am past this stage of pain that is so new for you.<p>First if possible, try to calm down abit. Breath slowly and deeply. (not too deep, you might get unconcious! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )
Try to think, what would you or could you imagine things to be like? Do you want your marriage to work out???
If the answer is yes, then realize, this means alot of work and even more strength. (woman do have more strength than men, think about this!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) No man would be able to cope with giving birth to a child and you have given birth to 4!!!!<p>So I'd say you are very strong, you might not be aware of this right now but you are strong!!!!!!<p>Not being able to sleep,eat crying are normal. I think we have all went through this. (many are happy about the No eating stage, it makes us look good!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Even if you think it is impossible, wait until you H contacts you. In the mean-time do all you can for yourself!!!!!!!! Be good to yourself.
If you cannot eat at the moment, make sure to drink good things that will keep you strong. I drank alot of vegetable juice and fruit juices and milk. This helped not fall apart at that time. <p>Make sure that you are doing something for your looks. Even if you don't think you have the strength for that at the moment, try it. You want to look your best when your H contacts you!!!!!<p>Imagine the next time he sees you. How do you want him to see you? As you said you saw pics of him and an OW. You will have to step into plan A if you would like this to go into the direction of success. The first thing your H will notice is the way you look.
I hope you understand what I'm trying to explain. The next thing that I find what helped me was to stay calm.
Stay calm and if you feel aggressive, try to get help about this!!!!! Your H must have reasons wanting to come back to you.<p>At the beginning when I had found out, I didn't know MB and yet this is what I did.
I thought first: ok, my H is having an A!
OW is doing good things for him!
She is looking good and is doing good things for herself!
She is calm and understanding!
She listens to him and shows admiration!<p>I thought ok if this is what attracts my H and is this is what he wants, he can get it from me! <p>I worked my butt off and it worked. I became aware of his EN's and I stuffed him with his EN'S.
He ended his A immediatly and since I was giving him what he thought only OW could give him got him thinking.
He realized and started to think again. Before this I think he was sorta "gaga!" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
I thought alot about the time when we had met and I noticed that I had changed alot. He was missing alot of things, so was I. But we have learned alot and are now able to talk about all things.<p>I hope this will help you abit and I hope you understand what I am explaining. I know it seems unfair at the beginning for us BS to have to bring up even more strength to make things work out. More strength in a situation that has just turned our world upside down, but I am happy now that I did bring up this strength. Our marriage is better than it ever was. Even if I still have my bad days. My H said to me the other day, if you hadn't of reacted so understanding and calm, I wouldn't of seen any reason to stay with you and make things work out.
If you are feeling bad, come to MB.
You will get alot of help and it will help you to stay calm and let out your aggressions!!!!
Do alot of reading too, you will learn so much and it helps!!!!!!
hug ya
BB

#413142 05/06/02 06:10 AM
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deelam,<p>Welcome to MB. Learn as much as you can about MB, follow the link under my signature, start with General Welcome. You are not alone.<p>Your H is still very much in the fog, do not take his action personally. Those words comes out from his fog, a rationalization of his selfish behavior. H's stomach upsets is 'cause by stress and guilt that he puts on himself.<p>Learn not to LB and make it safe for H to try. Learn plan A to care about your M. Get medication from your doctor, I was on one until couple days ago. Get busy w/ your time ... do not leave idle time on your schedule.<p>-RH-

#413143 05/06/02 04:35 PM
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deelam Offline OP
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Blondblossom,
Thank you for your kind words, it truly helped make my day [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I really want my marriage to work, but I am so angry right now it is hard.<p>One of my friends gave me the same advice you did regarding taking care of myself first and backing away from H. The backing away is the hardest thing, we have been together 15 yrs and married 14 yrs. He has always been my best friend and lover. So this OW is such a shock too my system.<p>I had a feeling it was going on but was never sure. He had all the classic signs, i.e. staying up late, going out with "friends" each night, not answering his cell phone while at home. I can't believe I was so blind, or maybe I was just in denial.<p>Anyway, I truly appreciated your words of wisdom! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I just pray that all the things I am ready and doing will eventually bring him back. I miss him and love him so much. My days seem to get longer and longer.<p>I try to stay busy with work and with my daughters but I find myself just getting to stressed out.<p>As far as my appearance goes, the minute he closed the door on me, I did a complete 360 and changed my appearance. Friends are telling me now he is wondering what I have been doing, and who I am seeing. I don't want to give him the impression that I am moving on without him, because I can't move on!<p>deelam

#413144 05/07/02 03:32 AM
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Dear deelam,<p>redhat is giving you very good advice!!!read, read and read again, this too will fill out some time and it surely helps!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Friends are telling me now he is wondering what I have been doing, and who I am seeing.<p>hmmmmm this gets me thinking. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] why is he thinking who you could be meeting and why is he interested in what you have been doing??? If you ask me, there is interest.
I truely believe that the looks do count, it is the first thing that got my H attracted again and got him thinking and curious again!!!!!<p>Don't feel bad that you didn't notice that something was going wrong with you H, we all didn't, at least I didn't. This is because we can't believe that our beloved H's would do a thing like this. When they get out of their "fog" they don't believe it themselves.<p>As I said, stay calm (please, this is so important) you want to give him reasons to want to come back to YOU!!!!!!!!!!<p>
I don't want to give him the impression that I am moving on without him, because I can't move on!<p>What impression would you like him to have???
Do you want him to know that "you" feel like you can't go on???? Do you want him to see you all broken up??? Think what attracts him in OW??
A weak, whimpy, pitifull, falling apart woman???
NO of course not. (even though we feel this way finding out that our H are having an A, when they are "foggy" they don't want to see this!)
Think back, when you met each other, or just good years in your marriage. What attracted him, what did he really like about you??? What did he love about you, what things did you do that made him think positive? You've done it once and you can do it again.
This is NO atack, I'm trying to tell you that you are STRONG!!! No matter how hard this might be, this is the fight you will have to go through if you would like it to be a success. You must get him thinking....
You already have gotten him thinking, why would he otherwise be curious about what you have been doing and who you might be seeing????? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Not giving yourself up and being responsible for your children are strong points. Gosh I know how hard this is.........I really know it.
I would advise you as redhat did, to go to your doctor and get medication for the meantime, it will help calm yourself for this time.
Stay busy, busy. Go out with the kids, it helps them and yourself as well.
This is all going to take time, alot of time. Maybe also start to write a jounal, this helps me get my anger out and I'm not hitting anyone with my aggressions.
Have you heard from him yet???? (stay calm at least sound calm. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>hug ya
BB<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</p>

#413145 05/07/02 05:41 AM
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deelam Offline OP
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blondblossom,<p>Thank you again for all you say, it does make sense. Redhat had some good advice as well. I am going to take this one day at a time. My daughters called him last night and he actually returned the call. My 9 yr old asked their father if he wanted to talk to me and he stated, "if I have to". I told her I was tied up cooking dinner that I didnt need to talk with him. Boy, was that painful.<p>He was the one person I would talk too 5-10 times per day. He owns a business that I would do all the bookkeeping for, now he is not even doing his business. It's ok. I did paperwork the other day, and I mailed it to his P.O. Box so he would have it, I did not want to present any agression I had, that I still wanted to help with his business. I continually read everything on this web site.<p>I stayed up all night reading about Plan A, and I think I understand it, however, how can I find out his EN if he won't talk with me, How can I find out what went wrong, if all he says is "it doesnt matter" "I don't want to discuss this anymore", He said we are through, its over, but yet, when I asked him to let me go so that I may move on with my life, he stated,"He does't want a divorce" and that he doesn't use that word. He said, if you want it go file!!<p>I know I need to disregard what he says, and try to do that each day, it is just so hard.<p>I truly wanted to get into some one on one counseling however, I just started a new job and don't have the health insurance yet.<p>He said he would continue to pay all the household bills, but how can he do that if he won't talk to me. All the bills are in, shut off notices are being sent, yet he has not provided the funds yet to pay them. I dont want to push his buttons, but I am getting frustrated.<p>I never cared about money or material things. He took a trip with the "guys" in February and bought be a 14 diamond anniversary band, was this out of guilt???<p>Not sure how long this will go on, our D's have softball tonight so I will have to see him, because he helps with the coaching. Hope it goes well. I guess I will just try to avoid him, because I dont want to get emotionally, as I always do each time I see or hear him.<p>deelam

#413146 05/07/02 06:11 AM
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hi!
haven't got much time, have to go awy in a few min. I read what you wrote.
Stay calm and maybe just give him a warm smile when you see him today. Be sure to look your best!!!
I'll talk to you later.
hug ya
BB

#413147 05/07/02 12:43 PM
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Hi I'm back again.<p>well I just came back from MC with my H. I feel so/so. I don't feel bad though.<p>If I can I will try to help you some. I am not anyone professional so please consider this. <p>I for myself would say we are doing good even though I am still having problems myself. But we are past the stage that you are in. And gosh, I know how you are feeling and what pain you are going through. It brings tears to my eyes and yet I know it is possible to make this work out!!!<p>for myself I must say this is the hardest experience that I have went through and believe me I have went through alot and yet it is an experience that again is letting me grow and become even stronger.<p>I am so happy that I have found this site, so many people were able to give me "real life" advice and it gave me comfort and strength and this is what you need. <p>I get very emotional, I hope this doesn't bother you, but this all truely touches my heart.<p>but I am so angry right now it is hard. <p>you are right, this is hard!!!! Anger is your right and yet it will not help you at the moment if you direct it against your H!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>taking care of myself first and backing away from H.
the backing away will probably be the hardest part until you understand why. I did this insticktively as I didn't know MB at that time. I backed off and didn't pressure him Think, he is "foggy" or as I would say he is "gaga" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] His mind isn't working in the way that you know him. He probably isn't even able to have one clear feeling. He is sorta like in a coma.
He is porbably trying to find reactions and reasons that will tell himself that what he is doing is right. He might even be depressive and if he is with OW she of course will be telling him that is doing everything right.<p>My H just had to start getting interested and curious about me again. This is when he started to think, is this all reality or a dream? Gosh where an I, what the heck is going on? Until he talks about this in this way it takes awhile. He must start to question himself in his reactions and then the fog will slowly dissolve.<p>I hope you understand me.
Read all you can, they will explain this much better than I can.
I can just tell you that I showed my H all my love and affection when I found out. This made it easier for him to fall back into reality instead of staying in his dreamworld. I know it's hard. I too did alot of crying. This is so normal. I have known my H since I was 14. I am now 41. This is my life, I gave everything I have for this life. I live in a different country, I have no relatives here other than his. My kids are here. We too have a business. I have always done the business work too. So I really understand what you are going through.<p>About the money, hmmmmm. Is this a business where you can become active??? You of course are living in the reality world, he isn't!!! Maybe someone else can give you better advice about this, as I really don't know. <p>I think the first step right now (other than finacial stuff) should be to get him interested so that talking can become possible again. Does he have the kids once in awhile??? I would for sure avoid letting bad feelings out about H through them. Don't let them suffer. Tell them that you love daddy and that he is a good father. (I know, you know he is foggy at the moment) but he probably also feels guilty for what is happening. <p>Telling you that he doesn't want a divorse for me is saying he is not secure with what he is doing.
I truely don't believe this is at all the time to talk about this. I feel so much hope for you two, even if the situation is tremendously difficult for you and hurts like *ell!!!!!!!<p>It is up to you to do what you think is right this evening at softball. I usually listened to my gut.
It has never turned me down!
I did back up at the beginning and didn't pressure. If you feel too hurt, do what you think is right. Maybe just drop your daughter off, ask him calmly when he would like you to pick her up, or if he will bring her home.
Then see how he reacts. (but stay calm no matter how he reacts!!! Stay calm!!!!!) I know this is hard, I really do. Then just see how he reacts. Don't give him any reason to explode or feel bad. (and look as good as you can! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) Get your kids into a good mood before going there. This will get him thinking, he might even start to miss something. Gosh, 4 kids and
they are having fun and I'm not with them.......<p>deelam, I truely wish that others will give you advice too. This is what has helped me and made us strong again. It is the way that I went and it has become successfull. Others will for sure have other great advice.
I hope this helps you some. Always think, you are not alone and I'm thinking of you. I hope you can feel some strength from what I am telling you.
hug ya
BB

#413148 05/07/02 05:28 PM
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BLONDBLOSSOM,
well things didn't go as planned. I showed up at softball and he wasn't there. But that was ok. He showed up 10 min. before it was over. As I got into my car, he asked if any mail had come for him. I proceeded to tell him the mail that arrived and once I mentioned the bills, he informed he was not going to be paying for it all that he would cover our rent and thats all.<p>It through me, but I handled it pretty ok. considering I just started my new job making alot less then what I was making. I left the field and went home with the girls only too have my oldest inform me their father had already been at my house. Thats wrong, he can come and go in my house but the girls cant go to where he his staying. He ended up coming to our house and informing me he was not going to argue anymore, that what he offers to pay is it. He said he no longer wanted to argue with me and that each time we talk all we do is argue.<p>That is such bull. I tried to be nice, but when he started to raise his voice, I got too emotional.<p>I truly believe he doesn't want to end our relationship, but in the same token, he keeps straying down the wrong road. (this is not the first time he has had an A) It seems any time he gets some finances he strays. He goes and hangs out at the bars, and then one thing leads to another.<p>My feelings toward him today were so awful. I told my friend that I love him, but that I hated him so much for what he was doing to me, and that I wish he would just make a decision.<p>He stated their was no OW!! Sorry, photos speak louder than words. He tried to say it happened a while ago, I don't believe it!! <p>He told me too go see a shrink! I couldnt believe it!<p>Love sucks!

#413149 05/08/02 03:04 AM
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Hi deelam,<p>well things didn't go as planned.<p>sometimes I wish I had a magic crystal that would tell me things ahead of time. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] but this will never happen.
But he did show up. I sorta get the impression that he was maybe feeling guilty. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I proceeded to tell him the mail that arrived and once I mentioned the bills, he informed he was not going to be paying for it all that he would cover our rent and thats all. <hr></blockquote><p>think about what I had said; he is looking for reasons to tell him he is right.
I'd maybe get some help about what you can do about the finances. Do this on your own, don't pressure him!!!! Check out what you can do, what possibilities you have. He sounds definately very "gaga". He is not willing to take full responsibilty. This I would say is normal for his situation at the moment. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I left the field and went home with the girls only too have my oldest inform me their father had already been at my house. Thats wrong, he can come and go in my house but the girls cant go to where he his staying. <hr></blockquote><p>I remember one thread they discussed this too! I think it was a thread from "Terrified". She had the same problem. The advice she got was to change the locks. All locks. They explained that if H didn't want to be part of her life then he'd have to ask to get into house and not have free access to come and go as he likes. He had to learn to reagain respect. This isn't a easy move, cause H's tend to get very angry!!!! It does sound logical though, if girls can't come and go to his place, why should he have the right to. <p>The most important thing to do now is to stay calm. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>That is such bull. I tried to be nice, but when he started to raise his voice, I got too emotional. <hr></blockquote><p>This is human. Don't feel bad. Talk with your doctor about Anti-depress. This will help you alot at this moment. You are going through alot of emotions, this is so natural and we all know what you feel. It's hard to stay calm, I know. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I truly believe he doesn't want to end our relationship, but in the same token, he keeps straying down the wrong road. (this is
not the first time he has had an A) It seems any time he gets some finances he strays. He goes and hangs out at the bars,
and then one thing leads to another. <hr></blockquote><p>This is why I think it is important for you to set a few boundaries. He is surely foggy and isn't willing to take over the responsibility. Ask yourself, what could he be missing? I personally think, having 4 children, an own business and of course alot of bills to pay, has taken alot of energy. From both of you two.
Having kids does let us (if we don't realize this) get distanced from another. It is natural that we don't have all the time in the world to spend with one another. Admiration usually slips away and we take so many things for granted. I'm talking for both sides. I won't even mention "sexuality". This usually drops drastically!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>After finding out that my H had an A. We talked alot. I listened and from he was telling me, he didn't feel loved as I didn't tell him anymore. He didn't feel admired, I didn't tell him. There were many things that shocked me as I thought he knew that I loved him and admired him from the bottom of my heart. I am now aware that he needed to hear this and so do I!!!
We need to have special time only for ourselves without disturbances.
This was all missing and this is what he got from his A. I was for sure not reality what he was getting but it was a part that was missing in our "true life"!<p>Of course this is difficult when you have 4 kids and a business. It takes alot of effort and fantasy. If he had EN for "wanting to be admired" and "sexual fullfillment" then he might of been missing this!!<p>I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, it's just as he sounds as if he is always looking for something. He doesn't want to divorce you and yet it seems to me that he is missing something.<p>You of course are missing out on your EN'S too!
But in your case you first want to get your H's mind back to YOU!!!! Read all you can in MB!!! This is very important for you to understand your situation. You are both very mixed up. Don't even think of giving up, it is far too early.<p>Maybe you could start a thread in "recovery". There are so many out there that can help alot more than I can!!!! It's difficult for me to express myself on paper. <p>I understand all your anger, it's just a matter of making this work out for you and your H.
Please go into "Recovery" and ask the others to help you too!!!!!!! <p>hug ya
BB<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</p>

#413150 05/08/02 07:44 AM
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Well I feel for you!Last year I was going thru the same thing with my H- married 15 yrs 3 kids and all of a sudden H said he was out of love with me, in love with OW and was leaving me for her. This was after I kept confronting him and he finally confessed. He didnt want to be the one to file-instead he tried to make me so miserable that I would file on HIM and then he could blame ME for it like he did all the problems in our marriage over the years! We tried counseling twice at my insistence but he re-wrote our marital history to make it sound worse than it was. Have you read Surviving an Affair by Harley and Love Must be Tough by James Dobson? Those would be two excellent books to read right away for you! Are you taking an anti-D? I take effexor which helped me cope with the kids and get some sleep. It is a newer med that helps with both anxiety and depression. I got mine at the family dr. Be sure to post here alot- there is definitely hope that your marrriage CAN recover and divorce can be prevented! My H's A was with a single coworker who was 35 and was bitter about never having been marrried or had kids- she had seen my new house and met our 3 kids and wanted to be step- mom to ours! She had a whole scheme all worked out. I refused to give up my marriage for her! Eventually she began to pressure H for more commitment and I had improved myself so much by that point-(major shopping spree at mall!), all new perfumes,hair,cosmetics,reading the right books, Bible Studies, yoga, Starbucks latte every day etc!My H first thought it was an 'act' to get him back- OW encouraged that line of thought with him but eventually after 2 mo he began to see it was for real.H even went so far as to file on me for D at the urging of OW but it was at that point he began to wake up and snapped out of his 'temporary insanity." We are re-building and doing well a year later and our 3 kids never did have to find out about OW's plan. Take care- lifeismessy

#413151 05/08/02 08:38 AM
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Hugs to you Deelam. This is a horrible thing to have to go through as most everyone can attest to. I don't usually mention this, but I wonder what your H would do if you told him you were speaking to a lawyer about divorce proceedings. I wonder if he really wants one. You know when my H had is A, he didn't want to be with me. I think he felt such guilt that he didn't even like himself. Being with me made him ill because he remembered how much he hurt me.<p>He's inquired how you are, so he must still have some feelings for you. James Dobson wrote a book called "Love Must Be Tough". If I remember correctly, he spoke about how you have to be right with you (which you already seem to recognize). Sometimes, when we get too needy people pull away. If you were to turn around and become very independent, running the finances--not arguing but being very firm. Get involved in a group activity. Maybe take a class. Start living (as much as you can with 4 daughters!) As much as people don't like needy people a lot of them still like to be needed. If your H thought you were doing just fine without him, I wonder if he might start getting jealous of your newfound independence.<p>He's basically already left you--my H didn't even do that. Now, you just have to find a way to get him back. Thank him for the rent money. You casually say, "Thanks for the rent money, I guess I'll find a way to take care of the rest. In the future, I would appreciate you calling to arrange a time to see the children." If that doesn't leave him stuttering and in shock, I would take that to mean, he's not really thinking things over by himself. Practice, practice, practice. Imgine converstations with him. It will never happen that flippantly in real life, but the more you practice the stronger you can sound.<p>It's the hardest thing in the world to not let them know how much they are hurting you. My H hated it when I cried all the time. Things got a lot better when I could just go on like nothing ever happened (hardest thing I've ever done).<p>Anyway, just some thoughts. Might not work. Might not be something you want to try. I don't know you and your H and your relationship.
I wish you the best of luck. If this is what you really want, you can get him back. It is possible to save a marriage if you are the only one trying. It's harder, but it is possible. Two years ago, I wouldn't have believed it. My H was admitting to an A and asking for a D. I looked at him and said, "No, you're not getting off that easy. You don't get to have a fling, then act remorseful, get divorced, and spend the rest of your life with her." He asked, "You would contest the divorce." I replied, "You better believe it. We're going to give this marriage a fair second try." Totally shocked him to his toes that I didn't automatically start filing. We're now in a full-blown recovery and doing quite well. Sometimes, I think the A bothers him now more than it does me (which is saying a lot because it does still hurt me to think about it). So, it can be done. I wish you well.<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: Lapeine ]</p>

#413152 05/08/02 11:35 PM
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Deelam,
I don’t want to be a stick in the mud as I am a strong supporter of Plan A and saving marriages.
Since you have received many suggestions on learning about plan A and book suggestions I’m going to the difficult side, The money.<p>First Plan A is great thing, it’s about getting back to where you belong as a person, it’s about learning how to be a good spouse, following the rules that make a good M. It is not about being a doormat, sometimes this gets confused. <p>Your H has a moral and legal obligation to support his children, I suggest you speak with a lawyer about that. You can present it to your H very matter of factly, very non judgmentally way, tell him you would like to save the M but you have to do this for your children. I know plan A and being attractive (not just aesthetically) is important, but none the less you have to protect yourself and the children.<p>Just my 2 cents<p>oz

#413153 05/08/02 12:32 PM
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Oooh. Oswald reminded me. I received some very good advice shortly after d-day. If you have any joint savings accounts, you may want to consider withdrawing as much money as you can and transferring it to a separate savings account in your name only. If you get divorced, you will have to split it (depending on your state laws), but in the meantime, he can't spend it all and leave you with nothing. Also, cancel your name off any of his credit cards and his name off any of yours. As long as you are married, his debts do become yours, but if he charges everything up, it is easier to prove your financial responsibility is all the damages are on an account without your name.<p>The only reason I am suggesting this to you is that he is only willing to pay the rent. He's obviously in a bad place right now and who knows what he will do. I told my H that I was transfering 2K into an account in my name only. He told me that he would never do anything to hurt me financially. I replied, "You never thought you would cheat on me either. Right now, neither you nor I have any idea what you are capable of." He seemed to understand once I put it like that.<p>At the end of last year, I transferred the money back into a joint savings account. It was kind of my way of confirming that everything was going to be alright.

#413154 05/08/02 09:40 PM
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deelam,<p>Your H says that he will only pay for certain things. Well, he does not have that choice. If I were you I’d see an attorney. See if a legal separation is available in your state. If not then you could file for divorce and let your H that you would be willing to drop it at any time that he is willing to come home, end his affair, get counseling, and work on your marriage. (I assume it’s still going on and that explains his behavior.. and why the girls cannot visit him there.) <p>In most states, if not all, the courts will award you interim support. It essentially ensures that all the bills get paid and you both have an equal amount of spending money. Since you have the girls he will, of course have to pay you child support through this. <p>Many times BS’s are afraid to file or set the legal recourse in action, fearing that it will drive their WS away. I truly do not think that is the case as long as you let him know, in writing, your intent. The reason I say to do it in writing is that then he cannot ‘forget’ what you said and twist the words as easily. IMHO, taking firm action, setting appropriate boundaries and taking care of yourself and your children will serve to give your H a huge dose of reality. The reality is that he has a family he needs to treat better and take care of. He will need to do this even if you are divorced. Doing this will also put a huge strain on any affair he may be having. Nothing frosts an OW more then having the MM send money to his family for support. The OW usually just wants the MM’s wife and family to evaporate. Well don’t think you are going to do that any time soon. <p>Changing the locks on your home is a good idea too. If he hassles you about it, tell him that legally you also have the right to enter his home since you are still married. So you will give him the keys when he gives you the address and keys to his place.<p>You do not have to be nasty to do these things. Do with as much clam and charm as you can. Standing up for yourself is not love busting. Love busting is doing it in a mean, vindictive, judgmental manner.
Re: Love sucks!<p>Yep it can suck. I used to think that love was a protection. But it is not. It does not prevent anyone from doing stupid and hurtful things to us. It only makes us more vulnerable.

#413155 05/09/02 04:14 AM
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Dear Deelam,<p>I'm so happy that you are getting such good advice from others. It's good that you are getting finacial advice, as I don't live in the US and I don't know the laws, it's better for others to give you this advice. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm just thinking about you and I hope you are ok.<p>take care of yourself
hug ya
BB

#413156 05/09/02 05:21 AM
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Thank you to all for your advice. Yesterday was a good day for me. I decided to start my new life without him.<p>I went shopping and purchased new cosmetics too make feel better. I picked up some St.Johns Wort I hope it helps my moods.<p>I did speak with him. He called inquiring if he received a package. I informed him that it did come, then he proceeded to be a little scarcastic and ask me if I was over my Bull**** from the day before. I informed him that I was not having that discussion with him anymore.<p>I decided I was just going to pull away from him. I didn't think of him yesterday at all and it did me some good. Not sure if this is the right aproach....<p>My past experience with him, has been if I pull away he comes forward, however, I want it different this time. I dont want this to ever happen again, I want him to open up and explain why he does what he does.<p>We are suppose to have lunch this week to discuss the parameter, i.e. the kids, finances etc.<p>THe kids are definitely playing a game with me. They continually call their father every day without letting me know, and it makes him think I put them up too it, I dont want to tell them they can't but I need to set up some guidelines for them. I know they are getting a little agravated because when they see their F it is for a short time. I informed him that I too need a break and he will need to take them for a evening every once in a while. <p>I have considered speaking to an attorney, but that is too much of a jump for me and I know it will upset him extremely. I dont want to argue, and if he needs time fine. He said there is no OW right now. How can I bring myself to believe him, I found photos, but he said they were from before. If that is the case, then why carry them in his car??<p>I have afriend of mine stoppng by my house to help me with a few handy man things that need to be taken care of. So I think I feel these are good steps for me. I don't want to go through this anymore.<p>He did tell me at our last lunch, prior to me finding the photos, that he wanted to take our new motorhome on a two week trip with the kids to go visit our families. (We live in Florida and they all live in Mass.) I thought it would be a great idea, it gave me some hope that he wanted to try and work it out, but then I found the photos....I'm not sure if I can handle taking that trip now? The trip was too take place in June. Any advice???<p>Well I have to run for now.
Again thank you everyone, this site has really been helpful!<p>Deelam

#413157 05/09/02 08:18 AM
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Take the trip. But, set some guidelines before you go. Don't fight in front of the kids. I know several people who took trips after their marriage started falling apart. It can be a very good thing because it gets you both out of your comfort zones. I learned about d-day the week before we had a trip with my parents going to Ireland. It was the worst trip I have ever had, but we made it through. I decided that if I could make it through that, I could make it through anything. We also did a lot of talking, and that was good. I don't know how having the kids will be, but if you are visiting your families, perhaps it will help give you some much needed time alone. <p>Just remember, you are not a doormat. You do not have to take nasty comments or remarks from him, nor should you give any. If a discussion or situation starts escalating, be calm and walk away. It will make you look like an outstanding person. This is a great opportunity to Plan A. Don't go overboard and get overly mushy, but be extremely nice and forgiving, and don't argue. Be strong and independent. It will really mess with his mind and freak him out. They don't know how to handle you being nice to them after treating you so poorly. It makes you look stronger.

#413158 05/09/02 09:25 AM
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I have considered speaking to an attorney, but that is too much of a jump for me and I know it will upset him extremely. I dont want to argue, and if he needs time fine. <p>I can certainly understand your not wanting to take legal action at this time and not wanting to drive a wedge further between you and your H. However seeking legal counsel is not taking action against him. It is just getting advice from someone who knows the laws, someone who has seen more ugly scenarios than you can imagine. It is no different that coming here to MB. Here you are given advice about the heart and emotion, the choice to use or dismiss that advice is completely up to you. Legal counsel is similar only on levels other than the emotion, what you do with that legal advise is still up to you. At least consider lapeine’s advice to remove your name from his creditors. <p>He said there is no OW right now. How can I bring myself to believe him, I found photos, but he said they were from before. If that is the case, then why carry them in his car??<p>I hate to say this but at this point you have to go on the premise of guilty until proven innocent. In my experience one’s gut feeling is usually correct. Moving out to get your head on straight is a typical behavior of a WS. I believe many of them actually do with full intentions of not letting the OP (“other person” they are cheating with) know where they are staying and truly wanting to sort things out. My W was a perfect example of this. Unfortunately it doesn’t end up that way. Getting him back into your home would be the best scenario as it is easier to plan A.<p>My vote is also to take the vacation and I agree set some rules that will shield the kids from any discussions or arguing.<p>
Good Luck,
oz

#413159 05/09/02 09:19 PM
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Well, he strikes again. Today the girls had a softball game that their father is one of the coaches. He called during the day and informed me he would be at the game and that we would all go out as a family for dinner.<p>Guess what. He never showed up for the game. He called when we got home and stated he had a few drinks so he didnt think he should attend. Why do men do these things?? He knew he had a game with his daughters, he knew the team counts on him, and why in the world would he invite me to dinner and then not show up???<p>He stated he would stop by tomorrow and we could all go to dinner...Now I dont know if I want to go.. I stayed calm through it all and he knows he disappointed his daughters, but I am not sure where his head is anymore. He continually takes one step forward and ten steps backwards.<p>He at least asked me if we needed any money. I told him if he wanted to give us money that would be fine. I told him if he wanted to go to dinner that would be fine as well.<p>Am I making it too easy for him? It is so hard too be so nice when he continually does things that upset me and my girls. I just wanted to scream at him, but I stayed real calm.<p>I have actually been staying in a pretty mello mood with no form of emotions until I caught tonight's episode of "ER" on tv. If anyone saw it tonight it really hit a sore spot to see a father so ill and die and be unable to see his two daughters anymore. And then I look at my situation where my H is healthly and he barely sees his daughters. Grant it he only moved out two weeks ago (2 days prior to his 37th B-day) but it truly feels like he has been gone forever. <p>I having been scanning other posts on this site and one that really touched me was a poem someone wrote that sounded so much like my situation. I guess I am not the only one too go thru something like this even though I continually feel as if I am.<p>I think all that have responded have been a great morality boost for me. Thank you.<p>Im still hanging in there. It is so hard to activate Plan A when H won't tell me what went wrong. He won't discuss what he needs or is looking for... How do you get them to communicate?? We are ok if we discuss the kids or business but get outside those parameters and forget it..<p>I guess I will wait and see if he calls tomorrow and whether he shows up for dinner.

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