I strongly suspect, change that to believe that my H is having an affair. I want it to end, I want to rebuild my marriage. <p>I've tried talking to him, at first I blamed him, now I see I have played a role in his unhappiness which made have pushed him in that direction. How do I get him back emotionally, truly and lovingly. <p>What I did, I'm very busy, sometimes tired, I would reject him often, not because I didn't want to, but because I don't have the energy. He also says I'm hard to talk to. I never thougth I was<p>Here is some history on us. We have been together for about 10 years. The early years of dating, we split a couple of times. The last 5 years we have been together, with no breakups. 7 years ago, I found out he was seeing someone else, just before we were supposed to get married. We split up. Approx. 6 months later, we started to get back together, however, we never discussed his cheating, nor did I truly forgive him. I recently realized I was full of distrust, anger from the past cheating that I think it affected my mood towards him. I was angry alot, even my kids said I was angry. <p>All through our marriage, I wondered why he married me, was it because he missed our kids (at that time we had 2 chilren prior to our marriage, we have since added one more), was it the child support he was paying me, or was it because he wanted marry me because he loved me. My guard was up, or so I thought because I was afraid of getting hurt again. I'm sure he picked up on it, even though I tried to hide it. So, I've always been suspicious of motives, and if he would be faithful and true to me. Within the last month, I startd getting snoopy and now I am sure he has been having an affair again. I don't want a divorce, I want my marriage to work and the affair to end. I found out that I love him and no matter how much I thought my guard was up to protect myself, it didn't work. It hurts the second time around. So, this is why I think I drove him to it this time. I have not confronted him about my suscpisions. I did ask him if he was unhappy and wanted a divorce, he said he didn't want a divorce, but he did not say if he was happy. When I realized that I was angry from the past, and that this was probably what is hurting my marriage, it has helped improve my mood,and the last couple of weeks have been better between us. He does not trust this will last. He told me so. He thinks I will go back to my old angry mood. So, at this point, what do I do, do I tell him what I suspect, do I keep quiet and hope it will end. Do I tell him why I behaved as I did in the past and I want to work on building a better marriage. I am very confused at this time.

Hi Sue,<p>Welcome to MBs. Sorry to have to meet you here, but this is the place to be in our situations. I am fairly new here as well, but wanted to respond to you. <p>Even tho you (and I as well) rejected our husbands for whatever reasons whenever, there is
never justification for an affair. We can realize and take responsibility for our part in the unhappiness in the relationship-unmet emotional needs-but the spouse's choice to have an A is not our fault. It is their choice.
My husband could have opted to talk to me about his dissatisfaction, talked to a pastor or a counselor. He could have made us an appt. for counsel. But he decided to take the feel good-ego-building choice. I have been hurting all these years as well. I did not seek solace in the arms of another man. <p>There is a thread in Notable Posts and Threads I believe called 50 Indicators Your Spouse Is Having An Affair. That would be a good read for you to help clarify things in your mind. There are also a number of other great reads there.
I will check back later in the day when I can-just wanted to say hello and hang in there. More seasoned veterans will respond to you with more wise counsel. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Sue:<p>I am so sorry about your pain...But I agree you cannot blame yourself wholly for the affair. <p>Ok, the first thing I see that contributes, is, it doesnt seem like you and your hubby really talk honestly about your feelings. <p>Even now, you have not put all your cards on the table and he his so that things could be discussed.<p>Communication is the key to resolving or at least coming to an agreement with him about where you can go from here.<p>I think it is great that you were able to look at yourself and see that you may have not been as emotionally available as you feel you should have been.<p>I don't however, think you can blame yourself for how he choose to conduct himself in your marriage. It sounds like he didn't communicate his feelings either.

At this time I'm afraid to confront him. Last year I went back to school, we have 3 children ages 8 and under. Because of school I have to work evenings, so he takes care of them. If I was to confront him now and he left, I would have to quit school. When I am done with school, I could afford to support my children without him. (His job can be seasonal, I don't want to have to rely on child support to support the children)My own job is not secure with the way technology is contstantly changing. <p>I didn't mean to make it sound like I totally blame myself. I was not happy with how he would disappear for hours at a time, day after day, leaving me home with the kids. Not once during that time period did I look for someone else (I thought about it, however, I am married and I take my vows seriously). For quite some time now, I've been somewhat suspicious. I believe this started before I went back to school. I don't think my going to school started it. <p>When I really started to believe that my suspcisions were correct (I found his cell phone bill, which he hides, he calls her daily. Weekends he disappears for 3-4 hours with no explanation), my first reaction was to call an attorney. I then calmed down. It our marriage is salvagable I want to. That is only if he can get rid of her and not do it again. The thought of a divorce pains me, so does thinking of him wiht someone else. I wish I knew what to do to make my marriage stronger.

Hi Sue- I am glad you found this place!I wish I had found it sooner when I finally found out for sure my H was having an affair last year. I would highly recommend you get the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. It tells all about the usual sequence of events as an affair unfolds and the likely outcomes of them. Also in the second half of the book he talks about specifically how to restore your marriage. So even if you dont choose to confront your H right now the back part of the book could be really helpful to you. I too suspected something might be going on because of his cell phone and his being gone alot on wkends. In my case my H was even so bold as to go to early church with me and our 3 kids then drop me and the kids off at home- said he was going to the gym and went over to OW's condo every Sunday.Needless to say it was quite a shock to me when I discovered that had been going on! I confronted my H directly and he lied the first time I did that. A few wks later I tried again- it was valentines day and he had bought me nothing and was distant and critical towards me. I insisted he tell me the truth at that point- he finally did confess but said our marriage was hopeless and that he was leaving me for OW. He did move out for awhile and filed for D but eventually changed his mind due to my following Harley's plans in that book I told you about. So read it NOW and be prepared! I have read statistics show that if you suspect your H is having an A, there is an 85% chance that you are correct. So be ready for that answer when you decide to confront. But be assured that it doesnt necessarily mean the end of your marriage. Take care- lifeismessy

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I am so glad I found MB. The few replies I have had have been very helpful. It does not make it easier. I did read some of Dr. Harley's info on the Web. I started being more attentive to my H. I also, in my mind have stopped placing all the blame on him, which in turn has changed my attitude in the home. My H, does not think it will last, however, he is somewhat willing to do things together. He even suggested I learn to play golf, and if I liked it, we could golf together. I will get the book and probably the other books too. Since I really belive that he is having an affair, (and lets say for the sake of argument that this is not a sexual affair, but he is spending time with her, that is time away from the family), when it does come out in the open, I need to be ready to deal with it. <p>I am thinking about telling him about my feelings about why I was the way I was with him with regards to the past A. I realize that for my part, my lack of honesty and fear of discussing the incident, caused myself to be full of negative feelings. When so called well-doers questioned why I married him, I had a hard time admitting I loved him. I was afraid they would think I was a patsy. So I put on an act that he could not hurt me again, my guard it up. I'm ready for it this time. You are never ready for it. It hurts worse this time than last time. <p>I wish I would have found Dr. Harley back in 1995, when the first occurance happened. Maybe I would not be in this position now. <p>I know he his not happy with me because of wieght gain. (I'm 60 pounds heavier than when we first met, I'm not happy about it either. Have been working at losing it. For myself first, and him second) I want him to be proud to be seen with me. I sometimes wonder if he is embarrased to be seen with me. There are those who think that it is shallow to let that affect a marriage, when you think about it, what first attracted you to your mate, most of the time is is physical, so it will still matter later on.<p>One thing I wonder about is, did this A ever end, or did he marry me, and continue the A. Well, maybe I will find out sometime. H met OW from a mutual friend. Initially he was supposed to be introducing OW to a friend of his. I heard from mutual friend that OW likes to go after attached men. Once she has them, she loses interest. <p>Boy, I didn't mean to be so wordy. I guess, I just started to ramble. I will say, this site helps. My well meaning friends keep telling me to dump the "loser". But they are not in the marriage, they don't have children who will be hurt by this. I value my marriage, and before I can file for the big "D", I need to know that all has been tried and that it is beyond repair. <p>I guess we are going to tear down a deck this weekend, go fishing, and to the local amusment park. So I suppose all is not lost. The only thing is, he does find time to call her. Once, I looked out our front window, he was going to shut the car windows, it was supposed to rain. What do I see, but him on his cell phone. <p>This message board is very helpful. If anything, you can talk about the problem with those who understand. Thanks

I'm replying to myself. In my last entry, I was considering opening up to my H about my feelings from the last A. I tell myself that the honesty cannot be a bad thing, however, it scare me that he might tell me about the current A, that I'm sure is going on. I'm really afraid that he will tell me he loves her and wants to be with her. Common sence tells me that I'm wrong and look at the plans we are making. We talk, mostly he talks about the future, and buying a cabin up north for weekend getaways for the family, a boat for fishing for us and the kids, he is trying to convice me to buy 4-wheelers. A person contiplating leaving does not discuss these things do they. I'm not sure if i should open up yet or if I should wait. Any advice would be welcome. - Thanks

How I do not like this rollercoaster ride. One day, I am on top of the world, the next I'm a scared kitten, wanting to hide from the world. I have been trying to get H to make some plans for us to spend together this weekend. Just him and I, he hestitates. One of his responses was, lets see if something better comes up. Why do I want to try??? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] . I thought maybe we could talk, I could tell him what I discovered about why I have been angry with him, and now, I'm not sure if that is the correct thing to do. <p>Anyone have any ideas?

Sue,<p>Your M didn't get in this condition overnight, so don't bet overanxious to fix everything all at once. Get some books like Love Busters, Surviving An Affair and start reading. Knowledge will help to change your approach in your M. Since your previous approach isn't working well, then it makes sense to "go back to school" so to speak. I think you have a taste of the MB principles from reading the site, but you need to learn them at a deeper level.<p>The idea of creating a home environment where you are depositing Love Units in the account your H has for you is what you need to be doing right now. There will be time to deal with the specific issues of your feelings so don't rush it. If you start expressing your feelings in a love busting way, then it will be counter productive. <p>I'm in a similar situation, my W is the WS and I am currently working on myself mostly. I did get her to agree to a counseling session by herself with Steve Harley, so it is working and I think she is seeing the changes in me. The hardest part is being patient.<p>Best Wishes

Thanks for your advice. I will try to be patient. I just started reading the Surviving an affair, I also have Fall in love, stay in love, (I think) and I have another book coming, I don't recall the title, the bookstore thought it might be helpful. I figure I might need some weekend reading material. I've started an exercise program, it makes me feel better after I'm done. I also walk alot. Right now I will have to be happy with him agreeing to doing things as a family, at least then we are having some time together. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

I have Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters, and Give and Take. I would definitely get His Needs Her Needs on order if you don't have it already. There is a bit of repetition from one book to the next, but I get something out of each of them making it worth the purchase.<p>Make your time with him as a family as pleasant as possible without Love Busting, and hopefully they become more frequent over time.<p>I'm happy to see you are taking positive steps. You are taking action and it will pay off!<p>Best Wishes

Hi again Sue- I wanted to recommend another book to you- its called Adultery- Facing the Facts. You can buy a like new copy used off of Amazon or Ebay- that's where I bought one. It written by a private investigator about key indicators that your spouse is having an affair and how to go about proving it if you decide to divorce. I thought this book might help you figure out things for sure. I wish I had read it before I confronted my H last year.It has very specific things to look for in a wandering spouse. take care- lifeismessy

Well, I thought things were better, I took a vacation day yesterday, he was home all evening. This morning we spent almost the whole day together. Around 3 he left to get his saw from his mothers, he has not come home yet, it is almost 8. Why does he think I believe that he is not doing anything. How long does it take to get a saw from his mothers. She lives 2 miles away.<p>This is what I hate the most. He appears that it is getting better. I found out he used to complain to his brother about all the fighting we used to do. He doesn't complain anymore. Does that mean it is because he found someone else who makes him happy, or is it because we don't fight much anymore???<p>Can you implement Plan A, without confronting him about the suspected Affair?

Some days I want to scream, other days I want to dance. Today I want to scream. Had to vent
Gotta go to soccer practice

Hi,
So far today is a good day. Considering last night on my way home my car died. I was not too far from home. I was able to start it again and make it home. H is going to get brother to look at it and see if he can fix it. <p>There are times I want to get it over with and confront him with my suscpicions. If I do that, I'm sure he would leave. I don't want him to leave. <p>Does any of the M in MB ever really recover? I've read some of the other posts and it seems like some do, some don't and some keep trying, and the WS is continuing to be a WS. I know what I want, will I get what I want?<p>At this time, I keep being nice to him, trying to fill the bank again. I'm going to take golf lessons. He golfs, I don't. He sort of suggested it. He commented then we could golf together. I guess he is trying to spend time with me, but that does not explain why he has to call her all the time. I've seen the cell phone bill, he calls her more than she calls him. <p>There have been a couple of times when I took unexpected vacation time, the phone rang, Caller ID said "unknown caller". I received an immediate hang up. Interesting!!!!!<p>Anyway, I have errands to run. <p>I guess my situation does not seem as bad as others I have read. Maybe he is coming around and it is a matter of time before he tells her it is over.

Hey, Sue!<p>Hang in there. Yes, some M do recover. My H and I are currently in recover and have been since March. He posts here also, so perhaps sometime he will post to you (Love_Her_Madly). <p>You absolutely have to be patient. That virtue is your best friend right now. It is very, very hard not to want things to get better right away. But they are not going to get better right away.<p>Yes, you can Plan A without confronting your H about the A. You have already asked him about it and he has denied it. However, you know the truth. So start Plan Aing. Plan A is really about you -- making yourself a better person. Learning how not to LBst will make you a much better person and will improve all of your relationships. Learning to meet your partner's ENs in the way he wants them met will also make you a better person. By the way, if you haven't completed the EN questionaire, do so ASAP -- you should complete the questionaire as if you were your H (if you cannot get him to complete it).<p>It is very common to be on a rollercoaster. Just be prepared for it and when you are on the down cycle, come here and vent. Your H is in the fog and will not make and sense. He brain has been kidnapped by aliens and they have replaced it with this weird alien brain. Think about it this way, it might help. At some point, when the A dies and your H sees the changes in you, your true H should return.<p>As I said before, hang in there. It is a long row to hoe, but it is worth it.<p>FHO

FHO,
Thank you - Somedays I get so scared that he will leave. Other days I want him out. Most days I'm scared he will leave. I think I spent most of our M thinking he was going to walk out, he did it once before. I'm sure that is why my guard was up during our M. Which made me an angry person to be around. I was always yelling at someone. <p>I've been trying to work on me. I really want to yell at him. I know that would be a very bad thing so I don't. <p>Gotta go to work.
SoM

Hi Sue --<p>You might want to consider Anti-depressants. They can even out your mood swings, and make you feel more in control of yourself.<p>If you feel stronger in this way, it may help you with your Plan A. Think about yourself, and the changes you want to make. It sounds like you have already identified your H's lovebusters, so continue to avoid those!<p>Focus on yourself and your children.

Sue,<p>I agree with Lexxy about the anti-depressants -- they helped me. They are not a miracle or anything, just help even out the rollercoaster. <p>Keep up your plan A. Consider IC and MC, if your H will go. Really work on meeting his ENs. Most men have a very high need for RC. They doing things together -- just the two of you. Think back to when you were dating -- what did you do then -- try some of those. My H and I got a Play Station and we love playing it together. Also, board games have been really fun. Plan some fun things for just the two of you.<p>Also start practicing how to express your feelings without LBing. You can ask here how to phrase something -- there is some great advice waiting here. Plan A does not mean you cannot express your feelings. You just need to do so without LBing. It sounds like you have issues with supressed anger. If you cannot have a conversation with your H about your feelings without LBing, perhaps you can write your feelings out. Remember that you should express things in terms of I. I am concerned . . . I feel . . . It makes me uncomfortable when . . . (not you make me feel, etc.) Try drafting something and posting here for feedback. <p>Hang in there -- keep up the good work.<p>FHO

Maybe I should try the anti-D's, I have never been one for taking pills, so I resist anything that is not an antibiotic, or allergy time med. However, anything that can help me cope is better than nothing. I try not to cry, and when I do, I try to be alone, there have been times in bed, I cry at night. I didn't know he was awake, he has commented on them recently, he did not acknowledge them at the time. <p>I have been trying to find things for us to do together, and he resists most of my suggestions. He did suggest if I knew how to golf we could golf together (here is a ray of sunshine), so I checked into lessons (I can't ask him, I want my M to work, not end [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) I told him I found lessons and the cost, he said sign up. He plays this internet game alot (Everquest, and yes I have heard bad things about it) we have two computers at home, so I have started playing it so we can play together. The kids have a playstation, we could play that to once in awhile. <p>Thanks for all the great suggestions and I will feel you guys out before I say some things to him. Want to avoid the LB's.<p>Working opposite shifts does not help, at this time, I cannot change. I need to finish school. But then again, when we did work the same shift, he was gone more than he was home [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . He even commented how if I was home in the evenings he could do more of what he wanted, which in the past brought on fights<p>Thanks-