Seeking - thanks, I'm getting better at it. Some days are tougher than others. <p>The past couple of weeks for some reason have been really tough. <p>I have to stay focused on the positive. I have 3 wonderful children. <p>I'm on another thought, My H came from a home were cleaning and putting things away took a very low priority. To this day, you cannot find a clean cup in my MIL home. I came from a different environment, you cannot leave the house without your work done. As of late, my H, has been getting down on the older kids for not putting thier stuff away. Last night they trashed the bathroom, he made them clean it up, and told them that they had better have all of their work done by the time he gets home or their will be some very long term groundings put in place. (it included no soccer). I was shocked. He always thought I was too hard on the kids, and that I expected too much. All I expect is that they put their toys away, sometimes with reminding, and that they do their assigned chores when told to. In the past, I would end up doing it, and getting angry at the lack of support I got from him. I suppose this as a step in the right direction, that we are starting to have a meeting of the minds in some areas in child raising. <p>I've been thinking of taking bellydancing lessons. (I need to get in shape and the workout tapes at home get a bit boring). I figure it may be a fun way to get a cardiovascular workout. Beside, it will get me out of the house for some much needed time to myself.(Something I rarely get).

Sue - you just keep hanging in there! In spite of everything that I have gone through I feel stronger and more confident in myself now! Somedays it feels like I only have the ground beneath my feet but thats a good start! Sadly, I have realized that I can't depend on my H but I can depend on me and in God to get me through this crap. Love yourself and your kiddos (it sounds like you are doing great!) and remember that sometimes you take things one minute at a time. I started to see that just because I am in this horrible situation that I don't have to dwell in it - I can get on with my life and make me happy and by doing that I am making everyone else better too!
Now you get out there and take up belly dancing or whatever strikes you - you deserve to be good to you. Be happy and stay strong. In your weak times come here and you will find blessings beyond measure.
Sorry to sound like a guru but I have found joy that I lost and I can't help it!

Thanks - I have found that coming here during my weak times helps. It also helps to read others posts. Input on some helps to think of others situations instead of my own. <p>I've only recently started posting here. My unhappiness has been going on since about a year after we were married. He forgot our first anniversary. And then because we didn't have $$ to go out, he rationalized his going to play hockey, instead of staying home with me. (I was on maternity leave, we just had our 3rd child). It has been one thing after the other with emotional neglect, leaving me home night after night. Ski trips wiht his brother, weekend trips to vegas, weekend softball tournaments up north, and I stayed home night after night with the kids. I hurt my back when the baby was 6 months old. He decided to go out of state to work, instead of staying to help me with the kids.(claimed we needed the extra $$, overtime and higher union pay scale). It was supposed to be for 3 months, he was gone 9 months. My sister and neice came over all the time to help me out. That was when I decided to go back to school for a better job. I will be done in 1 year. <p>During one of my weakest moments, just recently I started a thread under emotions. I was not sure if what I was feeling was normal. In the past I would fantasize about a R with someone else, it was my dream R. This other person did not have a name or a face. Recently I substitued the unknown person with a male friend/kind of coworker. We have know each other for about 20 years. More of an acquaintence situation. Worked together during high school/college years. We each went our separate ways. 3 years ago, we ran into each other at my current employment. Occasionally we would get together in the company cafeteria for lunch. About 3 times per year. It scared me that I was actually thinking of him in more than just a "friend" terms. I needed to know if this was normal. I guessed it was because of the longing for what I dont' have right now. At this point with my being so vulnerable, I have to cease contact with him. I don't need to go down the other road. I've never thought about him in that way before. He was always just a nice guy. <p>I always pull myself back to reality, I dont' want to hurt my kids. I also don't want to hurt my H. <p>Time to let go of the "white picket fence and cottage dream" and get with reality of living in the glass house. Maybe I can have my "white picket fence" someday.

Hi,
just chatting, H told me recently that she OW, has cancer. I asked what kind, "female kind" I guess, she had surgery and it is back. I find it strange that he could not answer questions such as "is there hope for a good prognosis" As much as I want her out of his life, I don't wish death upon her. He does not know what her treatment is, or how long she has had it. He claims he hardly talks to her. (yeah right, which is why he calls her everyday, okay, I stopped checking his cell phone, so I don't know if he contiunes to call everyday. I have better things to do wiht my time then to check on him everyday). However, most people when told that someone has a serious illness asks questions regarding possible recovery and treatment. So, I do not believe he does not know. He can live in his own delusional world. In the mean time I am going to keep doing as I am, and working an the new and improved me. Because I like me alot and I worth it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

Sue w/ Hope
Glad to hear that you stopped checking his cell phone. I too stopped snooping and now I feel a peace that passes all understanding. I am the biggest snooper in the world. I just let it go and now I feel great. I got tired of getting disappointed by the person that was supposed to have my best interests at heart. Now if he goes to her, good riddance. I know that my H will never be happy with this woman. She is only a symptom of his problem and luckily I was able to tell her just that. I think it stung! I hope so.
I am glad that you have such a great attitude because that is what will see you through this time. YOU ARE A LITTLE ROCK STAR! LOL
Keep it up!

Hi Seeking,
It is so much better this way. I still have my moments, mostly I get mad and not sad. (I'm not sure if this is good or not, when I was depressed I lost 10 pounds, I have 50 more to go, and since the depression part went away, I have not lost any LOL). I get mad because of the disrespect, I'm not sure If I'm mad at him or myself for allowing this to continue. <p>I try to focus on other things. I figure, I will work on my M, at the same time I will work on me, because if M does not work out, I am still stuck with me and so are the kids, so we want to like me alot. <p>I need to get H to fix up house in the next year. Roof needs replacing, door needs to be installed, garage roof is really bad [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway, gotta go. Kids are going up north with grandma, fishing and all that stuff. I need to make sure they have all their stuff packed and see if I need to run to the store in the morning. I wish I could go. Gotta study for a test.

H has been different. Last night when I got home from work, (didn't mean to, but I woke him up.) We talked alittle bit about when I am done with school In the past, whenever I commented about I have a year left, he would groan. He mad the comment and asked what shift I will look to work. I told him I'm going to try for first, which I don't know if I will be able to find one, I also told him that to get first shift, I may have to do a combination 1st/2nd shift, which he though stunk, (it does, but it beats 2nd shift only) He actually agreed. I don't recall what he said, but I got the impression that he wants me on 1st so I will be around in the evenings. In the past when I commented on it, he said he liked us on opposit shifts, this way, we didn't have to see much of each other. (I wonder, was I that hard to live with?) <p>Anyway, I am hoping that this is a positive sign in my M, and not him looking forward to being able to get out of the house in the evenings when I am finished with school and leaving me home at nights again with the kids. (time will tell, I don't have a crystal ball)

I keep thinking I should start a new thread under PlanA, I don;t know what i would call it. So for now, I will stay here.<p>I think Plan A is working. Kids went up north for the weekend with Grandma. It gave us a mini vacation at home. Time alone, no distractions, no kids. We went out for breakfast, tore down part of a deck, went out for dinner, and spent the evening relaxing at home. Saterday he did not do his usual 3-5 hour disappearing act. Sunday he did go golfing. How long does it take t play an 18 hole course? He was gone for about 4 hours. We went bike riding when he came home. Watching me walk this morning was somewhat comical - I have not ridden a bike in about 20 years so the muscles are discussing a mutiny. The exercise and dieting is working. About 2 or 3 weeks ago I bought some new jeans, old ones were getting big. I bought these a tad tight, want to get some mileage out of them for when I lose more weight. These are fitting like they should have when I bought them. <p>I think the H likes to take me out to dinner now. In the past we would go out to eat (I was a size 8). We would order appetizer, meal. I would eat all of my meal, and what he could not finish of his. Sometimes a dessert would be thrown in. An hour later I would be hungry. Now, I have a few bites and I am stuffed. He gets my leftover steak in his lunch the next day. <p>Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about myself these days. I'm sure he is still in contact with her. <p>I've decided that Plan A will last about 1 year. When I am finished with school, pass state boards, and find new employment, if things have not changed, I will confront and implement Plan B. I cannot and will not live this way indefinetly. I feel that by the time I am done with school will be more than enough time for Plan to have had a positive effect on me and my M.

Hi Sue,<p>Sorry I haven't checked in recently -- very busy at work and school. You are doing great. Plan A is about you. I am glad to see you making positive changes for yourself. The benefit is they usually have a positive effect on your M. I guess the lesson is to be a little selfish -- work on yourself. It is good for everyone in the end.<p>Just hang in there. Perhaps you should write out your Plan A -- what are you doing (I know some -- losing weight, no LBing, RC, keep going to school). What else? What are your next goals? Don't bite off more than you can chew, but it helps to plan ahead -- gives you something to look forward to.<p>Anyway, you are doing great! I can see some positive changes in your M already.<p>FHO

Hi FHO - goals? I barely have time to think about tomorrow. Every now and then I do give it some thought. <p>I feel better about the way my M is going. I know it will be a while before all contact with her is over, especially since he does not know Iknow. He might suspect, yesterday, before he went golfing, he said see you in 4 hours. I'm sure he still call her everyday. Somethings you just know. Beside, I found a printout of a loan proposal from the financial instituion she works at. He left it out. I asked about it. He does not know I know she works there. (Early PI work). He said he was looking into refinancing the house (I doubt it), but has decided against it. <p>When I finish school, I will tell him what I know, and suspect. Let him know that I need No Contact between him and her. If not, then plan B. It cannot be anyother way. By then I will be ready for Plan B. If things keep going as they are, Plan B will not be needed<p>H keeps bugging me to get a passport. He wants to take me to St. Martins ( I don't know when or how or where the $$ will come from) I sometimes wonder why does he want to take me to St. Martins. I told him I wanted to have time to be in better shape. H did find some amusement this morning in my stiff muscles. <p>He thinks the changes in me can be attributed to his giving me a ring for Mothers day. That is part of it. This was the first mothers day that he gave me something I asked for. Something that had meaning to me. (I started Plan A before mothers day, he didn't trust it. He thougth I would revert to my old crabby self). I think he is still hesitant, but it gets better. <p> You know, you have to be a little selfish. I'm finding that by neglecting my own needs, I was not happy. If I am not happy, how can those around me be happy. The saying goes, "when mamma isn't happy, no one is happy"<p>We do get happiness from those around us, we also have to find happiness within.

Hi Sue-
I haven't been around for a bit but i love to read your posts because our situations seem so similar, but you are a little ahead of me. For instance, I'm encouraged that your Plan A is helping, because I'm still waiting for my WH to notice. Like you, I will not confront and Plan B yet, and if all goes well I hope I will not ever have to. You know, he suddenly comes out of the fog and thinks "oh I have a beautiful home, devoted wife, and perfect children, why would I risk losing it all?" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
On the other hand, that dream may go the way of the white picket fence you mentioned.
The last thing you said about happiness and "momma ain't happy..." really rang true too.
I also am sorry to add that I too sit at home while he is gone for hours, unexplained. Even fathers day, after a somewhat nice day, as soon as we had the kids in bed he vanished for a few hours, without a word. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />
It is like rubbing salt in a wound that as lonely as I am he is running off to "her" all the time.
I like what you said about "even if the M doesn't work out the kids and I will need to like me". This is so true I'm going to write it in my journal to keep me on track!
Keep your chin up, Sue-it sounds like you are on your way.

Sue -- I just wanted to make sure you are OK today... Let me know!<p>-mcnyh

Good news I hope.

H has a timeshare, he put in for some time for his Mom to go on a vacation with our kids. It was approved. He asked me how I felt if we went this weekend, drive them there, we come back and go get them the following weekend. It means some time alone for H and I, plus, he cannot see OW for two weekends in a row. There is nothing stopping him from calling her. He will find a way to do that, but he cannot see her. YIPPPPPIIIII. We will have to take two vehicles for the trip. So on the return trip we will still be in separate vehicles. I'm nervous about my MIL having the kids for a week out of state. Don't get me wrong, she would not run off with them, it just in the past she has been about 4 hours away, and now she will be more like 12 hours away. So if something happened, it would take us longer to get there. I know, nevous nilly. I should enjoy that I will have a week at home with the hubby and no kids. But, that means on the week day evenings or one week, he can get away to see her. Except last night kids were with grandma and he didn't. I called and he was home, he called me many times from home. So maybe A died somewhat. H has been very nice to me lately.

Have to get through another day.

H was taking deck down. Lately he wants me near him when he is doing stuff. I don't know why? I had laundry to do, and bills, and study. He asked if any of it I can do outside. Yeah all of it. I hang the clothes in the summer.

At home he is being the ideal H. We lived in this house for 4 years, and this the first he has started taking a real interest in working on it. Now he wants to do all the projects that need to be done. But when he leaves he is gone for hours. He left at 1:30 to play golf. It is now almost 9, where is he? It would be nice if he would spend time with me. I get maybe 4 hours per day on weekends if I'm lucky. I thought things were starting to go well. This past week, I did notice that he was going back and forth between acting like I matter and acting like he could care less.

Well, he called. He said they had to wait until 3 to get on and his cell phone was in his car and they took his friends car. I suppose golf courses don't have phones in the buildings so he could call and tell me that he is going to be later than planned. Oh well, I suppose it is to be expected. It does not make it easier.

I will have to make the most of the trip to the resort.

Need to vent-
Started out as a good day. In general I try not to let things get to me. I don't have that luxury right now. I have to stay focused on what is important. Plan A, school, kids, and order fluctuates as necessary.

Right now, I'm not happy with him. He is getting better at being supportive of kids. His birthday is coming up. I was planning on having a small family party at the house, then taking him away for the weekend. He knew this. Now he says he wants concert ticket to Def Leppard. I don't particularily like Def Leppard, he know it. However, i would get him tickets for us to go to if that is what he wants. Instead he says that I don't have to go, so who is going? Are these tickets boughten? What about our plans? Sometime's I want to throw in the towel and say forget the whole mess, he is not worht it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sue,

Sorry to hear you've hit a rough spot. The rollercoaster part of this is really hard. It's funny because every time I have a particularily good day it seems that I get my hopes up that I will live "happily every after". And of course that's not reality. So with the first letdown after the good day my mood really tanks.

In your case I wish your H weren't so open to taking someone else to the concert. That would be a great chance for you to have fun as a couple, which is so hard to do with kids at home.

Did you ever have a d-day #2? Let us know how you're doing. CSue

Still leaving D day # 2 unconfirmed. Unfortunately for me it will be that way for about a year. I have to get through school, take boards, find a new job, make sure I have child care arrangements in place, then confront when I confront.

I should have been clearer on the concert thing, he tried to imply that he would go alone because he knows I don't listen to Def Leppard. Now, I don't believe that he would go alone. I don't know of anyone who goes to concerts alone, besides, my H, is a social creature. He tries to tell me he does movies alone. I know better than that. I guess I can put this in his "hall of fame for dim witted comments". I do have to admit, he is getting better at it. The dim witted comments, I mean. (Here is a survey, what is the worst dim witted comment that WS told you to try to cover up A)

I'm more of a country girl. I venture to Rock, such as Pat Benatar, yes, the late 70's early 80's rock was good stuff. Yes, Def was around then too, but I didn't get too much into his stuff.

Lately when he has gone golfing, lets hope he is golfing, he is gone longer than he says he would be. Everytime he has to wait to get on the course in scourghing 90+ heat with a 70 humidiy index.

I do my best to stay up. As of late it is getting to me. How is she going to survive the next two weekends. We are going to be out of town.

Better news today. H and I just got back today from a weekend trip to Missouri.

Anyway, H is not going to go to the concert. I suggested I buy him the tickest for his birthday, and he said he was thinking about not going, since it would be something that the kids could not go to. He wants to spend the whole day with his family. WAY COOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (now I hope he does not change his mind and burst my bubble)

We spent over 10 hours together in the car. Okay, part of it I was sleeping, or he was sleeping. When I was not sleeping I was studying. (I have a test on Wed.). He was very admamant that I only drive when he needed the break. He wanted me to get my studying in.

We spent the weekend having fun. Vacations are tiring. Now I am on top of the world. For how long, I don't know, but I will enjoy it while I'm up here.

HI,
I'm not sure if I'm venting or what. I thought we had a good weekend. Now he is distant. I suppose it is the fog.

I wish I was in a position to confront him. Get it all out in the open. One year seems so far away. I want to get it out in the open and either get her out of his life or get him out of mine (as much as I can with 3 kids). Idealy I want my M to work. I'm just so sick of the situation.

Done with my moment of self pity

Sometimes I wonder if the problem is I am older. I know that should not bother me. I'm only 6 years older. When we met, he had a mustache, he looked older. I thought he was my age. I was hooked when I found out his real age. He has had this mustache since he has been 18 or 19. Lately, he shaves, grows it back, shaves grows it back. Right now, it is shaved. He likes it that he looks younger. I look young for my age, but does it bother him that I am older and he wonders if I will start to show my age? I can't do much about the aging process.Is he shaving it for her. I'm not sure about her age. I think she is about mid 20's. My H has always dated older women. I should have known better.