Today, i want to cry, I feel on the verg of it all the time. I hate my job and lately it is what I look forward too. Came home from Dr. She gave me a presecription of antid's. I hope they help. I never thought I would ask for these

Wow, I am just reading your story for the first time. I am amazed at your control, I would be tailing him and thinking of all kinds of ways to bust him by now. I get the feeling you are more affraid of the fact he will leave you than anything else. Do you really need a M like this though? You might be happier with out him...

Yes, I am very afraid he will leave. At this time, his leaving would put a very bad financial hardship on me and the kids. I would have to give up on my goal for my career change. I have one year left of school. It would be an increase in income for me and better income opportunities, plus, the chance of lay offs and job elimination are slim in my new chosen field. In my current job, I have no idea how long it will be before my job is gone. In the past 2 years, approx. 5 or more departments have been eliminated. Some were lucky enough to find jobs within the company, others were not. By the time I expect this to happen to my department, my oldest will be a teenager, I will be at that age where it is hard to get hired. I would have to take a tremendous pay cut. None of that would be fair to my children. I have to put them first in my decision making. 7 years ago, he walked out on me. With county aid, and a full time job, I was barely making it. I made too much to get most types of assistance out there, and the one I did get, I barely qualified for. I had to borrow money many times from my mom to make ends meet. She is no longer around to help me out. If she was, I would have left with the kids and moved in with her. No one will help me with the kids so I can finish school. I work second shift hours, second shift daycare is hard to find. (I'm on break right now). And because of the kids, I really want my M to work. I don't want them to be hurt by this. I'm doing all I can to keep it from them. They did not ask for any of this and if my M does not work, I want there to be the minimal amount of changes and sacrifices for them. So, I have to be able to support my children without him, if it comes to that. I also do love him. If i didn't, it would not hurt so much. I probably would be happier without him. But at what cost to who? It would be so easy to walk away and put it behind me. I belive M, should last a lifetime.

I am having a really good day. I got some mail from school, with fall schedule. School really helps to brighten my day. Probably because if points to a new future. One I am really looking forward to.

H, came home from work sick, something he rarely does. I did not offer to stay home from work to care for the kids. Suffer and care for them as I do when I am sick (oops, evil twin sneaked out here, she likes to do that that every now and them. I am the angel twin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Anyway, today, nothing he does can bother me. I'm probably the only one in my class that looks forward to school starting up.

H surprised me, when I showed him the calender for the kids school, and what was on it. He actually suggested we attend a few school events (not like him at all). Well, I know better than to put too much into this. I can say this, one good thing has come out of my going to school. He has had to take care of the kids and find out what parenting is really about. In the past, he had the fun and games part and I had the illnesses, dirty diapers, and such like that.

Well, I decided to take Anti-d's. At first they made me very sleepy. Which I didn't like. I have classes resuming at the end of the month, my kids school starts up. I was sleeping so much, I was not taking care of the house or the kids. I cannot have this. Called Dr., she cut dose in half. So far so good. I feel alot calmer, even the stress is gone.

H, even asked me to go to the movies with him last Saturday. That was a surprise. Last night when I got home from work, he cuddled in bed. (He does not normally cuddle.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I hope this is a sign of good things to come.

Cuddles are nice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I dunno about AD's. Very difficult to get a drug right without bad side effects - specially ones like AD's that work on the brain/hormones.

Sue - are you OK???? I've been a little worried about you.

Please let me know...

-mcnyh

Hi, Sue!

I know I haven't been around for awhile -- very busy with summer school and work. I just got caught up on your posts. Sorry that things have been difficult. I think you are doing good to stay focused on your objectives. Keep up the Plan A -- the ADs will help you. I took them., I am currently trying to wean myself off them. Now that I am trying to get off them, I realize how much they helped.

Anyway, just wanted to post a quick Hi and let you know I am still thinking about you.

FHO

Hi Former,
thanks for looking in. Things are much better now that I have started taking AD's. At first the dose was too high and now I wanted to sleep because I was feeling too good.

How is school going? Good i hope. How long until you are done? I hope not too long. Law school, correct?

I was glad to hear from you.

Hi,

Yep, law school. Unfortunately I have a long way to go. I just started in January, so I have 3.5 more years. Oh, well, it will go by soon enough.

Hope things are going well with your school. It's great that you will be done fairly soon. It probably helps you to have a goal to work towards during the difficulties you are going through.

The ADs will help with your overall situation -- they don't have any radical effects, just help smooth things out.

Hang in there.

FHO

I'm glad I'm almost done.

Yuk, 3.5 years left. Have fun. It will be worth it in the end. Do you plan to work for the government, big law firm, small law firm, legal publishing company? Or have you not really thought that far in advance?

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Hi, Sue,

I have no idea what I want to do yet. Since I have only had two part-time semesters so far, I haven't experienced any specialty classes yet. I am just going to wait and see how things go.

How are things going with your H? I went back and caught up on your posts and it looks like there has been some good and some bad -- that's the rollercoaster that we all know so well.

I think it is great that you are concentrating on your long-term goals. I know that after I found out, that was something that was very hard for me. But, I was determined to finish what I had started. (My first d-day was the first days of orientation for school. -- What timing.) Anyway, I am glad I have kept at it. In the long run, I will be happy I made the sacrafices and have a secure future.

Keep plugging away -- when do you start back up for school? I start next week.

FHO

<small>[ August 16, 2002, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: FormerHopelessOne ]</small>

School starts the 26th, which is what, about 2 weeks. The first couple of weeks after I found out, were hard to concentrate. Thank god finals were a little ways away. Anyway, after I got past the first two weeks, I was able to use school as a diversion to keep me focused.

As of late, things have been okay with H and I. He actually wants to spend some time with me once in while. So, I see some minor improvement in that area.

The big explosion will come after I finish school. I don't know exactly how I will handle it, but I will let him know, that if he intends for this m to work, he cannot have any more contact whith her.

I'm glad for you things are better. I hear law school is very tough.

I know that you are bitter that she's always been in his heart. You must feel like Diana, the princess of Wales. Keep venting here to take the bitterness out of your heart, we are your punchbag. Try and change aspects of your personality that may make you more attractive to a man. This is what Plan A is all about.

Hi Relate,
I'm not bitter - anymore. I have what is important to me. When my class ended in July, my focus was gone, so the rollercoaster ride started. School starts in 2 weeks, my goal will be in sight again. When I finish school, then I will deal with this other issue.

I don't think she has his heart. From what I know about her, she likes MM. They cannot commit and she does not want committments. She likes her free and easy life. The minute one of her conquests becomes available, she is gone. (She has done this before, and likes the challenge from what I've heard. My sister's H, knows her and her ways. She used to be part of their friendship circle until she picked my H, they all dumped her as a friend because my H is my sisters BIL)

Sue,

It has been tough, but maybe that has been a good thing. I also hear that nursing school is tough. Good luck.

What a shame that your H got involved with an OW like that -- someone who get pleasure from destroying others relationships. In a way I feel sorry for your H because he is destroying his M and causing pain to his family all for someone who does not really want him anyway -- only the challenge he represents. What a wake up call he will have one day.

However, it still takes two to tango and no matter how aggressive this woman is, he is still responsible for his actions.

It is good that he wants to spend time with you. Keep working on the RC -- deposit those LB$.

FHO

I'm doing my best to make those deposits. This morning he surprised me. He was teasing me with one of my own comments.

We recently bought him a new car with an agreement that within the next year or two, he will get a new truck and I will take the car.

My car started going sooner than we planned, so we figured out how much we could afford for a different car. He was trying to talk me into a minivan. I don't like minivans. I like cars. We were walking around the car lot, and I saw GMC Jimmy, I told him I would drive that. He agreed. I also told him, if we bought this and not some cheap car we could pay cash for, that means no truck next year. So he said fine, as long as he has a truck. He drives the furthest for work so he takes the car. This morning I made a comment about my truck, and he said what happened to "our" truck. I told him that it is 99% mine and the 1% his gives him the privledge of calling it "ours". (I'm converted and don't want to go back to cars). So, he stared in teasingly that he sees how I am. In the past, he would have gotten all huffy about this sort of conversation instead of seeing it as light humored teasing. So, I see some progress between us.

I probably overstepped my bounds a little. We are discussing selling our home when I finish school. I called a realtor to get an appraisal and tips on what we should do over the next year to increase the value. He was okay with it, once I explained why, but I think he would have prefereed I consulted him first. Then again, he knows when I get an idea in my head I go with it and tell him after. I let him know it is only because I felt we should find out from a professional the value and what we should and should not spend our money for improvements to the house. I don't see this as a LB withdrawal and if it was, I think it was a very small one. I know him, he will think about it, and he will ask me what she said. He will be interested.

So, how is it going with you?

All these children abduction - I'm ready to put bars on my childrens windows and quaduple the locks on the house. Plant a guard dog outside their room. (okay a lot extreme)

<small>[ August 16, 2002, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Dear Sue,

right- I don't like minivans either... those and SUVs should be illegal (if you ask me).
Good choice to buy a real car!

Talking about cars-you want to hear a funny story?
I bought my H a Porsche for his 40 birthday 4 months ago, joking that he can drive the car instead of getting his midlife crisis. Well-as we all know here- that didn't help...the car was always sitting in the garage and the midlife crisis/A happened anyway.
Now it is MY car and I've been driving it the 25 miles to work every day. Boy-that's some fun. Two days ago I had a really cute construction worker whistle at me and lift up his shirt (I and all the other people waiting at the traffic light couldn't believe it).

Thanks for all your comments on my story, Sue. Just wanted to cheer us up a bit.

Dear sue,

me again- when you said truck did you mean a pick-up or an SUV.
If it's an SUV-I apologize. I just don't like them because they are always soooo slow in the curves.

SUV - its practical with 2 kids who play hockey. I call it a truck because it isn't a car or a minivan. I used to drive a colt with 3 kids, 2 in car seats or booster seats. Now only one in car/booster seat. It also makes me slow down. I've had a few too many tickets.

I like the construction worker scenario. Can I borrow the porsche <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

<small>[ August 16, 2002, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>