After re-reading what I posted to you it sounds kind of negative. I didn't mean to do that but I really feel that it will take a real shock to wake him up, if in fact he can be reached.

I believe you can still have hope. You are a wonderful person, I don't believe this one was caused by a failure to meet needs. I hope you are not blaming yourself for his failures. You have good goals, you are working to meet them. You are a good mother, and have been a good wife. I hope you can get to the end of your schooling and at least have that part of your life go well.

Can you tell us your thoughts and plans for your M? What would you like to see happen? What direction are you going to go with things?

SS

Hi SS,

You only voiced things I have considered myself. I wonder if he is so insecure with himself, that he needs to always have more than one person to reaffirm that he is lovable. (just in case the other walks)

He has always had those that are suppose to love you put conditions on that love, such as his father. I've seen his mom do it on an occasion

My wish list for my marriage

To have an H (preferably the current H) who loves me, treats me as if I am special, shows me respect, puts me and my needs and wants before his own. Puts the needs and wants of the kids before his own.

I want him to put my happiness as a priority.

I want him to get rid of OW for good.

I want him to prioritize what is important and take care of it.

I want to be able to trust him with my thoughts, feeling, even my most weakest, most vulnerable thoughts and feelings without fear of humilation or contempt.

I know there have been time I probably could have taken care of his needs better at times. It is difficult to do when it is mostly one sided.

I want him to be reasonable.

We use to have a good life. I remember when he thought I was worth a nice diamond ring. The materialist aspect of the ring is not what matters to me, it is the thougth of it. When we first became engaged, about 8 years ago, he put on layaway a ring he could not afford. I felt so special because of that. He was layed off, and needed the money for bills, He asked me if it was okay. I said yes. It did not change that we were engaged.

Before the birth of our second child, he bought me a really nice pair of earrings and perfume.

He used to give me roses.

Now, I get appliances that I do not use. I never wanted a rotisserie (spelling unsure), or an ice cream maker, or a short order cook (grill).

I want to feel loved. I want to be told I am loved. I want to know I matter. I want to feel like I matter.

What am I going to do. What can I do. I really don't want a divorce. I did call a couple of them. Beleive it or not, they both suggested that if that is the only reason I am considering a divorce is his infidelity, that we try to resolve the issue. That many couples have had happy relationship after an affair. Which I know that, after all, look at the recovery site.

This has been going on since my marriage, or maybe longer. I don't know how to handle that.

Right now, I will plan A, until I finish school. I have no other choice. I will concentrate on school. Maybe by the time I am done, things will be better. If not, then I will have to move to plan B/probably D.

I really want to know why? Am i right, that this affair never ended. Even when I thought it was over, and we got married, did it never end? If that is so, why did he marry me? Did he ever love me? What kind of woman stays in this sort of relationship? Is this why he keeps his life of with his friends seperate from me? Do they know about her? She lives with her parents, what do they know? Don't they question her dating a mand for as long as they have and it has not progressed further? So many questions, no anwsers. Probably never will have answers.

Thanks for listening. I don't think he will ever go to counseling.

Hi SS,

Yes again. Thanks for your kinds words. I know I don't see myself as couragous. I just do what I have to do. I do pray alot. Sometimes, (I'd like to beleive that god is an understanding god and forgives me for some of my outburst when I am at my lowest). There are times I yell at him (I do apologize, after all, it is not his fault). Once I foolishly asked him to take me. Then I realized how dramatic it was. I will get through this. After all, if I am gone, who will take care of my children. Surely not OW. It takes a lot of patience to deal with my oldest. Okay, it takes alot of patience to deal with all my kids. Each one has their own personality. Maybe I am a little too permissive in allowing them to be themselves, but I don't want them to be stiffled as I was growing up. "children should be seen and not heard" When we got excited, my dad would yell at us to quiet down. I want my children to be able to express themeselves openly and honestly. I don't know if anyone else can have the patience for that. I have been critisized for allowing my children to behave as they do. Let them.

I may have LB'd my H on the phone today, but, his response was uncalled for. All I said was "why are you so mean to me lately?" Maybe that is not being mean. As of late, he has been very rude and insulting. Each time, I remind him that I do not treat him that way.

I hope and pray that tomorrow will be different. That tomorrow he will end it with her. That he will want a future with me. That he will go to counseling.

I dont' want my son's or daughter going through what I go through right now or to treat others the way I am being treated. I hope my influence will have a more powerful impact on them.

My middle child, who usually does not want hugs or kisses, has been wanting them from me.

Last week, my sister picked them up from school and took care of them until I finished work. I left early, I was feeling ill. I think some of it was because of this whole situation. Anyway, her son had a hockey game. She took my kids to the arena. When I got there, my middle child, had the biggest smile on his face when he saw me and came up to me and hugged me. It was the best.

I wonder, am I doing right by them, trying to make this marriage work? Am I hurting them more by staying? I don't know. All my friends think so. But then again, they are not in this sort of R. They have good Husbands or they are not married.

One of my friends, he H is in the same union as my H. They have never worked together. I hope they don't ever get the chance either. He would be my H's boss if they did. And I think he would give my H all the crappiest assignments. She told me today, that she has told him. She said not to worry, he will not repeat it. He want to hit my H for being a jerk. (Not what I call an appropriate response. I only met her H once. Seems like a very nice man).

I remember when my H loved me so much, he wanted me around his friends. He could not wait to introduce me to them. Now, he wants to keep me away from them. We have been married 5 years this december, had our house for 4 years this past May. Not once has he invited his friends over. He goes to their homes, without me.

He plays on a Monday night softball team in the summer. I am not allowed to go. I can go to the Tuesday or Sunday team (of course my neighbor would tell my H off if he forbade me from coming to the sunday games). This will be a big LB, but if we can find some way to resolve things, one of them will be no more forbidding my attending any games. If he does, he has to give up the team or else. He used to or maybe still does brings her to this game.

I am calmer now or at least for now.

Hi Sue,
I've been reading your thread for a while.
You struck my chord by wondering if you do your children any good by staying and hoping for the A to end.
I wish I knew.
Yesterday I felt calm and capable of carrying on despite recent events/nonevents.
Tonight I don't know. I don't want to shut myself out behind the wall even though this approach would probably buy me time of H being relatively pleasant while he stays home.
But this is no long term solution.
Right now I am not sure what I should do. He does not want to be with me yet he returns. But he does not want to have anything other than a basic contact with me. I am at total loss how to "get to him", to assure him that he can talk to me- there is really not much else to say that would hurt me more that I know already. Why is he back? Does he have any glimmer of hope for us? Is it just unconvenient time for him to leave so he's just coasting? If he still hesitates what to do why he rejects all my verbal and "action" approaches, regardless of its subjects. He will not let me fill any EN. If he's sure he wants OW why he returned after I told him if he'd rather be with her, he should not come back from this trip.
No matter how much I tried to keep my hopes in check I am hit really hard. He hugs and talks to kids like there is no problem. Yet he lives in OW timezone. I can't seem to find five minutes when we are not at work or he's not on the computer or not sleeping. I breathe deep before I approach him with any question (and those are not R subjects), and remain upbeat no matter what but I just not know if this is good example I give to my kids.
I know I can provide physically for them and me. I don't know how they would cope emotionally if he would move overseas.
I want to spend my energy for building better future and fixing my problems, not on coasting and keeping a smiling face in front of everybody.
Did he notice I did not confide in anybody close to him ( family or friends or kids) so he has unpressured choice and that I valued his honesty even if the truth was so painful to me.
I don't think I have enough trust remaining even for daily life. I suspect the worst. I feel guilty for my mind's scenarios. But I don't know what to make out the current situation. He only say's I don't know, Leave me alone, I will manage somehow, no matter what's the subject. It's not withdrawal since he is in long distance contact with OW and most probably just returned after spending a week with her in person.

Anyway, I feel calmer "for now". Sorry for hijacking your thread. Guess got the urge to vent.
FBOW

Hi Forbetter,

You didn't hijack my thread. You can relate to what I am feeling. I know, it is hard being in this predicatment. What is hardest for me, is the waiting it out. I am not used to keepin my mouth shut. I want to confront him. I want him to make a choice, I want to tell him exactly how his actions has hurt me, how I hate the way he tries to control me. I want to tell him to get help for his insecurities, I want to tell him, that he cannot have her for a friend. That there is no room for her at all in our M. If he brings up the stupid timeshare, I want to tell him that until it is paid for all communication will be done through me, or we buy her out, or she buys us out. Keeping things bottled up, is not natural for me. I am not comfortable with indecision. I hate being in limbo. Right or wrong, at least I made a decision.

The last time he cheated and walked out, him mother disowned him. She will probably do it again. She has no tolerance for infidelity. H's dad cheated on MIL. H's dad used to beat her because he could. 30 years later H's dad blames H's mom for his bad credit.

To my H's credit, he was willing to go to church last Sunday. I was sick, so he let me sleep. He was also willing to go to "building strong families", kids were sick, so we didn't go to that either.

What would make you happy? When my H walked out on me when my 8 year old was 6 months old, I begged, cried, you name it to try to get him to come back. After about 6 months, I stopped, and decided it was time to move on. Then he came around. He saw he was losing me. And he was.

I had decided that it was time to take my life back and live it for me and the kids. I wish i could do that now. And if he decides he wants to be part of it, then he will have to let me know.

I have to go. H just called. He is sick and on his way home. I have to call daycare and tell her that D is not coming over. H said to keep her home. Have to call school and tell them to not put the boys on the bus. H said he will pick them up from school. (We have made improvements in this area. In the past, H would not have done this. Anything to have the kids out of his hair).

Sue, I hope you have a happy thanksgiving, I have some more to say but it may take me some time.

Ss

Hi Sue,
I read the last page over again. I can see the hurt in some of what you say, but I can see strength also. As bad as you feel, you keep going the right direction, and to me it looks like your heart is right.
I hope you don't mind if I comment on a few things.

I was so stupid to have even considered marrying him.
It's easy to look back and say things like this, and it probably would have made your life easier to have found someone nicer and more faithful. The bottom line is that we don't know at the time. You didn't know. You had faith in him, and he let you down, please don't blame yourself. I hate to see you gals that are trying so hard berate yourself for past decisions.

Does a drunken stupor help-probably not.
It really doesn't help if you are trying to get ahead and improve yourself. I think you already know that, but it is an indicator of your pain if you want it to go away this badly that you speak of this method to do it.

I hope i can make it until May. I don't know if that is possible. I do love him.
Boy, does this one sentence really say a lot. Your hopes that you can do all the thousands of things you have to do between now and May, your fears that you cannot, or that you will fail somehow, and an affirmation of why you are still trying. I believe in you, I believe that if you can have still have these feelings after what he has done, you have what it takes to succeed and last until May. I wish there were an easier way, but I can't see one. I do believe you will be able to hang on.

I really want to know why?
Some things there are no good answers for. Most of the BS's ask " what did I do?" or, "what did I fail to do?". Sometimes their are real .....well, not reasons, but real problems that helped contribute. In your case, if he continued from before your M, I would lay the whole problem on him. I wish you had known then what you know now, and you wish the same, but we really can't go back. If you are the person I believe you to be, you will continue to go foreword.

What kind of woman stays in this sort of relationship?
You already know the answer to that one.

Is this why he keeps his life of with his friends separate from me?
Yes, I believe it fits with someone that lives dual lives. That's another reason I believe it will be hard for him to stop. He has created two different worlds, and he is used to it being that way now.

I know I don't see myself as courageous. I just do what I have to do. Yes you do, but some can't/won't. I see you as courageous for charting a course in very stormy seas, and sticking to it.

I do pray alot.
I believe that prayer and reading scripture are kind of like taking vitamins. As long as you take them, you feel good, but if you stop, ( and if you don't get them from your food) you can get scurvy, and a host of other problems. If you didn't pray, I believe it would be worse for you.

Sometimes, (I'd like to believe that god is an understanding god and forgives me for some of my outburst when I am at my lowest). There are times I yell at him (I do apologize, after all, it is not his fault). Once I foolishly asked him to take me.
You are not the only one to ever have these thoughts, but he ( God) left you here. You are right, who would take the children, and remember also that we are sent here to grow, learn, and improve. Don't try to get out of this huge growth spurt just because it hurts so bad.

It takes a lot of patience to deal with my oldest. Okay, it takes a lot of patience to deal with all my kids. Each one has their own personality. Maybe I am a little too permissive in allowing them to be themselves, but I don't want them to be stifled as I was growing up. "children should be seen and not heard" When we got excited, my dad would yell at us to quiet down. I want my children to be able to express themselves openly and honestly. I don't know if anyone else can have the patience for that.
I agree that the children should be able to talk to their parents, and that we don't need to yell at them ( unless they are outside next door, and we call them to dinner.) My children sometimes say I am to mean. I expect them to have good manners, I expect them to get good grades, and I expect them to do chores around the house. My mother allowed me to be myself, but she expected myself to improve, and learn, and leave behind my bad habits. I suppose I expect my children to do the same.

I don't' want my son's or daughter going through what I go through right now or to treat others the way I am being treated. I hope my influence will have a more powerful impact on them.
It will, they will thank you for doing what you needed to do in the face of such hardship. I hope you realize how much they will appreciate you for what you are doing in keeping things somewhat normal in their lives.

Anyway, her son had a hockey game. She took my kids........ When I got there, my middle child, had the biggest smile on his face when he saw me and came up to me and hugged me. It was the best.
See, you are letting them live good lives even though yours is he**. I suspect he knows it is hard for you and is happy that you can still be there for him.

I wonder, am I doing right by them, trying to make this marriage work? Am I hurting them more by staying? You always have to try. It would never do for them to ask the rest of their lives " Mom, couldn't you have tried a little harder?" D is a terrible thing, you will need to know you have done everything you could.

I recommend you continue until school is out. Near the end, you can start to discuss things you need to have happen in the marriage. You can go to any ball games you want, if he complains, Plan B.
I suspect she is there on the days you are not supposed to go. I bet a PI could get good stuff easily because he doesn't seem to worry about you crossing his boundaries. After school is out and you have any proof you need, you can cross them all. Go to any games, not worry about what he says.

Well, you have some time to think about it anyway. You could try to have him leave by busting it wide open with proof of what he is doing, or you have time to find a place for you and the kids to go.

Sue, thanks for letting me talk a little bit, hope you are doing well today.

SS

<small>[ November 29, 2002, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS,

Thanks, I am doing better. I didn't get to log on over the weekend. Way too busy. I was having troubles writing a paper that is due tomorrow, so I took a couple of days off of everything, and just relaxed. It was very nice. When I went back and tackled the paper, everything just flowed. I have about 2-3 hours worth of work on it.

You can comment on anything you want to. You have some very kind words of advice and they keep me going.

Things are better at home. I don't know what happened, did I change, did H change, did we both change. In the past for Thanksgiving he would usually disappear for a couple of hours. He would just sneak out. This year, he did leave, but he took his brother with and one of the kids to get an item I forgot at the store. He did drop the kids back home and went to a different store. First one didn't have it. His brother was with him. I don't know if he would call her, with him there or not. Anyway, H was back in a very short time. He stayed home the rest of the day. We played games with the kids.

The next day, went christmas shopping (good sales). H bought me my first diamond ring as an anniversary gift. (Diamonds are small, but that is okay). I am so happy about it. We at first looked at some rings, did not notice that they were CZ. The stones were bigger. I thougth, boy, that sure is cheap for diamonds of this size. Then H noticed that they were CZ, he commented "fake diamonds means fake marriage" and moved over to the section with real diamonds. He said he would rather buy me smaller but real, than fake and bigger. The rest of the weekend went good. He was home for all of it, except of course for the kids hockey, which he coaches.

I hope and pray that this is an indication of good things to come. I am afraid to get my hopes up too much, I don't want to be let down again. For the moment, I will enjoy what I have.

Gotta go, will come back

Well, today is an okay day. Started out good. However, I am going through the thoughts of wondering, is it over, is he trying to work on M. Or is he worried that I suspect, so he is trying to pacify me for the time being. I hate not being able to trust my R.

I keep telling myself to stay focused on what is important. For those of you who have taken any "Franlin Covey" courses, one thing they said that really stuck with me "What Matters Most". I have to remind myself daily to stay focused on getting through school. There is plenty of time to deal with this matter.

It has been suggested that I hire a PI. They are expensive, which I don't think I can afford it. However, many of my friends, some of whom he has not met, have offered to go to the ball field and scope things out. They even offered to bring a camera to take pictures. Should I take them up on the offer. One told me she knows people who play out there on the night he plays. She said she might go. After she caught him being bad, she would let him know she was there so he could sweat it out. I know her too well, she could not resist telling him off.

What is your opinion on this. My friends say it is guilt. I speculate that it could be. I also have read some of the other threads out here, and the WS treats the OW better than the W.

The day after thanksgiving we went christmas shopping. H bought me my first diamond ring. It isn't huge. One of the things we were looking for beside being affordable, was that we didn't want the diamonds sticking up too high because of the field I am going into. He knows I will not take it off, for fear of losing it. So the ring is only 1/4 ct. But still nice. Why would he buy me a ring? (beside 5 years of hinting?) Originally we looked at a different ring which we saw afterwards that it was CZ. H said it has to be real diamonds. He made the statement "fake diamonds means fake marriage" Some friends say he thinks I know and he is trying to cover his butt.

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Sue -- I was in your position for about 2 weeks. I could not stand the "kind of" knowing, but not knowing. I got the positive proof I needed. He said he was going on a night away with friends that I had never heard of, but that lived approx. 150 miles away. I borrowed his truck that morning and mentally noted the mileage. When he was in the shower Monday morning (after the supposed weekend away), I went out and got the mileage off the truck. He'd only gone 30 miles. This was after the elaborate lies he'd given me upon his return on Sunday about his supposed weekend with friends. It was the proof I needed to confront him. He tried to brush me off with anger and make me think that I didn't know what I was talking about, but eventually, he fessed up. It was the beginning of 2 weeks of hell I'm still living through, but at least I know! He has ended it with the OW, though she still calls and hangs up, and we are trying to sort out what is left of our marriage and actually work things out. I don't know where this is going to end up, but I feel that you have to confront them, otherwise he basically has his cake and gets to eat it too! He is a LIAR AND A CHEAT! He needs to know this about himself. You need to stop cheating yourself out of what you deserve. A faithful, loving, supportive relationship. You either have that or you don't. Maybe if you confront him you can get started on the path back to that kind of relationship. I'm hoping I can and I hope the same for you.

My summary:
Me - BS - 37. Him - WS - 36
Married 9 years, together for 12. No kids
d-day - 11/18/02.
Still together and working on repairs.

Hi Tbone,

I would love to confront him. Actually, I think the not confronting is what is making it the hardest for me. It is not my nature to keep quiet about things that are wrong. At this time, I cannot confront. I graduate in May from a program that if I quit now, I would have to start over from the beginning. If he left now, I could not afford to support my kids on my paycheck. I could afford to support my family on my future paycheck when I finish school. My H has the sort of job where layoffs are common in the winter months, especially when the economy is bad. So, I cannot count on the child support as a means to support me and the kids. I have to rely on my ability to provide for them. And my current job is not secure. They just eliminated 3 levels in my dept. and the level I am at is two above the highest they eliminated. My opinion is that it is a matter of time before my dept is gone or there is only a handful of people left to manage things. I cannot only think of what works for me, I have to think of what works for my kids. Sure, I could lose the house and move to an apartment. Rent on an apartment for the size I need with 3 kids, would about the same as my mortgage payment or higher. If I tried to continue working full time and going to school, there is noone to watch the kids while I work at night. School is only during the day for the program I am in. I've asked my family for help. They all said they cannot make that kind of commitment.

I have to be realistic about the whole picture, not just my painful part of it.

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 07:02 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Dear Sue,

I haven't posted on your thread before- I was just reading it and I feel for you. Hope things look up for you.

You are truly in an abusive relationship. Your husband does not understand what it is to be married. He no doubt learned these behaviors from his own father.

I completely understand why you would prefer to keep your head in the sand for the moment. I think your plan of finishing school is a good one. Since there are six months to go until graduation, this can be your opportunity for Plan A.

One question I have is: if he did leave, wouldn't he be obliged to pay child support? If he is employed, it seems like he couldn't just walk out and leave it up to you to pay all the bills.

Another thought I have is- in a nice way, I would attend one of his Monday games. What is this bullying &*(%$ dictate of his anyway? Who is he to FORBID you to attend? What is he going to do, stomp off the field? Refuse to play?
Why not say you're planning to attend the game the following Monday with a friend of yours who knows a player on the opposing team? Just make it clear you are attending the game. Of course, he can choose to boycott the game.

Maybe he won't go, or maybe he will have to cancel OW's attendance. But your point will have been proven.

But I also understand if you don't feel like the confrontation. It may not be worth it.

What he is doing with the diamond ring is very sweet, but don't put too much hope into it. He can buy it to ease his own guilt, tell himself he is treating you right, buying you this wonderful gift. I would rather see him put the effort into the parenting class, or taking you out in public, proudly, or helping you around the house. Or buying you the new washing machine. But it is important that he knew it was something that means alot to you, and he wanted to do it for you.

Good luck with your nursing studies- I am a RN myself (but stay at home mom in recent years) so I sympathize. You have alot on your plate. It's a testament to you that you can juggle so many balls in the air.

Hi Es,

To answer your question, yes he would have to pay me child support. From past experience, since I know my H and his bill paying habits, he will tell me he will pay. I do believe that he believes what he says. However, I will not see what the court would have awarded me if I left it up to him to pay me directly. I know I would have to have his check garnished. That takes about 4 months to accomplish. Also, during layoff, and unemployment, the amount goes down to what he makes on unemployement. I don't know if he would owe me the difference or if that is the amount I get for that time period. Either way it does not matter. Lost dollars is loss dollars. So I have to be able to provide without the child support, and count the support as extra for the kids. I could use it to pay for school clothes, the extra's that come along and not the day to day stuff.

He does not know yet, but he may be layed off this winter. Fortunately, the project he is on, keeps getting pushed back. He is in construction, and when one project is done, if the employer does not have another one to send him to, he gets his notice and back to the union hall to get his next job. At this time the list is long. So, he will be about 2 months maybe longer before he is working. The last layoff, he was out of work 3 months.

Lately, H has been making some effort towards being an Husband to me and a father to the kids. He has been much better towards our oldest. How long will it last?

Once I finish school, I intend to confront. If he will give her up, then I will try to make the M work. There will be new rules in the house. Such as the Monday night softball. Either I am allowed there, or he does not play. He can find another team to play on, one where the players include their families. I know, his Sunday night Coed team is like that. He could not get away with it on that team. One of the players is my friend from across the street. She would tell him off.

He might get his way about the Union Christmas party. Originally he said we were going. I took the evening off of work. Now, he is hesitating. But, I'm not sure we can afford it. I have always had fun at these parties. We have not attended since our D was born. She turns 4 this month. And I have been about 30 pounds overweight and growing in pounds each year since to the tune of 70 pounds overweight.

On the bright side, I lost 10 pounds. So, I have 60 more to go. And no, he is not the trim man I first met. He has gained quite a few inches in the waist himself. But I am still proud to be seen with him.

I work with a woman who remembers my H from her bartending days. He lived near the bar she worked at then. She says she remembers him as a nice looking man. She asked me what happened to him, when she saw him one evening when he came to have dinner with me. I told her too much snackies. There was certain individuals that stood out to her that frequented the bar. She recalls him because of his girlfriend at that time. This girl liked to come in alone often, and rarely left alone.

Anyway, gotta go.

I want to thank everyone for their kinds words and encouragement and understanding.

My female friends, who are single or in good M, tell me to dump him. Expect one, she says she would not have the courage to do what I am. She would have taken the easy way out.

At this time, I try not to acknowledge that he is emotionally and psychologically abusive to me. Did I mention financial abuse too. To do so would really P*** me off and it is hard to do a Plan A when you are P***ed off.

Each issue will be dealt with in its proper time. In case you cannot tell, I have a good handle on myself today.

Have you considered going back part time. From what I hear the Nursing shortage is nationwide. The school I am attending usually starts a new class each fall. They are now starting a new class each semester.

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 11:21 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Well, H surprised me. H called today and reminded me that today was the last day to get our RSVP for the christmas party. He didn't want to go before. I also told him I didn't know if we could afford to go. He told me that he will be on supervisor's pay for a month or two, and we will see the increase this month, so we can afford it. So, I put in our RSVP. It sure suprised me that he wanted to go, when last week, he said he was not that interested. So I didn't bring it up again.

Hi Sue,
I wish you having a good time at a party and being able to relax and feel some Christmas spirit.
You deserve some happy time.
FBOW

Hi Sue,
In one place you asked if it was you that changed, or if it was H that changed. Perhaps he is finally reacting to the good changes you have made. I hope the things you see are a sign of good to come. Remember that the changes we make for the better are often reflected in others around us. I am very glad he is showing a little better side to you, it will make it much easier for you to do a good plan A.

Remember that we often don't know what will happen, that is why the plan A. BTW, I don't think you need to get a PI if you are comfortable not knowing. Often the BS seeks the peace of mind of knowing they are not crazy, and that there really is something going on. It is nice to know you are right, and not imagining things. So, if you are Ok with things the way they are now, don't worry about that.

The latest signs are good, be happy for small favors. You still need to protect yourself and your children because you don't know what the end will be. I doubt if you will relax yet and feel that all is well, but sometimes we want something so bad we pretend about the wrong things. Please continue to watch and learn, but try to get some rest while things are a little better. I hope that makes sense to you.

I notice from your posts to others that you have the concepts down well. I really don't worry that you will make a bad mistake, and ruin your chances. I just feel bad for the pain you go through, and I wish you the chance to be happy with someone that loves you and takes care of you. I hope your H can rise to the occasion and be the person you need him to be.

SS

SS and Forebetter,

Thanks - I will have fun. Any suggestions on how to lose 60 pounds between now and the party (its on the 13?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (just kidding) I know this one is impossible. Maybe I can get down one size - big maybe.

Hi SS,

Pretending does help. Sometimes I get so caught up in the pretending, even I believe me. LOL.

Last night, some of the haunts came back. They were not as upsetting, such as knowing he went to Vegas with her. Knowing they discussed her buying a teddy, "a thanksgiving one, or maybe just a giving one". Or how about this one "how many shoes are you bringing this time?" What <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> THIS TIME???? How many times has there been <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Don't ask me how I know this. I know it.

Or, why did he marry me. We married, and he did not move in with me right away, and I did not move in with him. His excuse, he still has 3 months on his lease, and it is too small for me and the kids to move in with him. So, why did he not want to move in when we got married. Was this a ruse so I would stop the CS. I did not discontinue that until he moved. I considered divorcing him back then. Were they living together? More than likely, I was never at his place. His brother was. Sooooo many haunts, so little answers.

Why do I bother?

I know, the kids. They have been my sole motivation to make this work. (I do love him, but I would have recovered). Did I make a mistake trying to give them a "family"? All I wanted for them was what I had growing up.

<small>[ December 11, 2002, 08:06 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Dear Sue

I can understand on holding off in confronting him. The nursing programs are pretty tough. I'm also in one and find it difficult to concentrate but its for my me and my son so I just take things one day a time. I hope when you graduate things work out the way you want them to and i also hope the same for me cuzz like u I still love my H. Hope you guys have a Merry Christmas and a great New Year.

depressed

Hi Sue,
Wow, what a busy month. I usually post on my lunch hour at work ( which hour can start any time from 11 to 4 and changes daily) but I have been having 15 min. lunch hours, so not much time right now.
Have you had the party yet? How did you do on the 60 lbs?

Last night, some of the haunts came back. They were not as upsetting, such as knowing he went to Vegas with her. Knowing they discussed her buying a teddy, "a thanksgiving one, or maybe just a giving one". Or how about this one "how many shoes are you bringing this time?" What THIS TIME???? How many times has there been Don't ask me how I know this. I know it.
There is not much we can say here to make you feel better, we all know it should not be this way. Sounds like the ring was just a smoke screen to keep you happy?
What is your take on things, what do you really think is going on, that is, the big picture?

Why do I bother? I know, the kids. They have been my sole motivation to make this work. (I do love him, but I would have recovered). Did I make a mistake trying to give them a "family"? All I wanted for them was what I had growing up.

Not just the kids. Sue, you are trying to do what is right, because of the kind of person you are. Did you make a mistake? Is there really any way to know that now? Could you have done any different with what you knew at the time? I don't have those answers but I can say that in our soul searching we often ask these things, and usually the answer is that we did the best we could with what we knew.

Sue, I see you post on others threads, and you seem to understand things pretty well. I believe you will be OK but it's hard lots of days. On the days you know you are going to fall apart, pretend you will make it anyway, and I believe you will.
I hope today is better than yesterday and that you are happier. I am glad your kids have you for their Mom. You already know what you need to do. Finish school, take care of your health, and that includes your emotional health, and take care of the kids. Do the best plan A you can from day to day but don't go overboard with big things that will wear you out.

Right now, worry about having a good Christmas with your family. Put all this other in the back of your mind, it will still be there come January, don't worry about it now. Your kids need your energy right now, and you need theirs too, enjoy them while they have all this fun in their hearts and before they realize how hard some parts of life can be.

Put on your smile and pretend you are happy at least for a few weeks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
See you around.
SS