In answer to the question about my sisters. I dont' know why. They don't want to get involved. They don't want to hear about it. I've even asked if they would be willing to move in and help me with the kids so I can keep working and finish school, so I can confront my H, in case he moved out on me and left me hi and dry. Sometimes, once they are confronted, that happens.

Hello Suew/Hope -- I read your post a few days ago and vowed to catch up then, but was taking care of my three neices and nephews at my sisters house and it was nuts. I was glad to read that you're feeling better and were just needing to vent. It can be so hard because not many in our real lives understand what we're going through or why we're even trying. You've been really strong and I could tell you were having a really bad day a few days ago. I don't know why some things trigger those truly bad days, but they are there.

I don't have much in the way of advice right now as I'm feeling pretty much in a funk about my nutty WH, but wanted you to know there were others out there thinking of you.

Thanks Unsure

I know I hate the triggers. Just when you think you have it under control, they sneak out at you.

Some of my triggers are years old. Back from when he first met her.

I know what those neices and nephews are like. I have a few of them, plus my own and every so often I forget what a mad house it is to have them over.

I don't know if this will be a bad thing to do, but when it comes time to confront H, whether he wants to work on M or not, I need to address the old issues that were never addressed. I need to tell him with all honesty the doubts and fears and where and why I feel the way I do. I know some of my attitude over the last 5 years have to do with those issues. If we would have addressed them then, I don't know If we would be in this position now. But probably, because I would not have firmly made my position clear on the NC thing.

There was a point, where I think that maybe there may not have been anything going, when we first bought the house. He owed her money, she wanted it, so he told her our address. He told me she stopped by. I was not happy about it because I was at work when this occured. Did she see the house and decided that she wanted him back? Is that when she started working on him. The thing is, he may not be able to afford a house such as this in the future if we divorce and I will not give up this house. I like my house.

Thought just occured to me.

Lately, i have been having all these triggers from the past. Some big, some little.

H has in general been really good to me. Except for the Las Vegas thing. After he returned, he was nicer, more attentive, all that stuff.

Helpful with the house, somewhat. (Okay, I will have to accept that no one can do it like I do it. He comes close).

The only things he does that raise red flags is the sitting in the car thing. Most of the time, cell phone in hand.

I feel like I am not being as good to him as he is to me. Dinner and roses for our anniversary, and a ring, and a card (signed Love H). I got him a computer and forgot the card. (I know shoot me.) H commented on the lack of card.

We went to the union christmas party.
He told me I look good for not having much time to get ready (the wash and go look)
Getting the kids to leave me alone so I could study for finals.
He put up the christmas tree
He set up most of the christmas decorations for one room and did a better job than i do.
Hugs and cuddles more
wants to go to movies with me.
H wants to know if I can start work early so I can get off early on 12/31. He has never asked me to do that before. He didn't care one way or the other if I was home. (I have some flexibility in my hours that I can do that. Boss thinks it is a great idea. He does not like his staff on the roads between 11 and 1 on New Years eve night, especially if they are going home from work). Now the cynical side of me wonders, does H want me home so he can go out with OW? Okay, we won't go that route and we will assume he wants me home to celebrate as a family.
This has all been going on since his Vegas trip.

So, either it is a major case of guilt, or he really wants to make things work and is trying, or he is trying to make things good, so he can break the news to me and I won't kick him out, or he is trying to show me how good it can be, before he leaves (okay, still some cynical, I'm allowed)
I may have broke his DVD and he was not mad. I did promise to get it fixed or replace it.

STuff I did not pick up on in the past:

He got me a Tae Bo DVD to work out with for my last birthday. (can't play because I broke the DVD this past weekend)
Wanted me to get a passport so we could go on a trip (last summer)
bought me a scanner to help with school work (for my birhtday)
bought me a watch with a second hand(need for school)(first chrismas before I started Nursing school)

Probably more and I cannot think of them

Bad stuff as of late

Does not tell me he loves me

What do I do for H. Since discovery

I think I need to pick up the pace here and start adding to his bank more.

I willingly do SF, instead of making it sound like a chore
I initiate SF
I scratch his back (very itchy)
I get up and make his lunch. When ever job site changes I find out if there is a microwave. If yes, he gets meals, from leftovers. I purposely make extra.
if no, then he gets sandwiches, I try to give a good desert
Does anyone know if they still make those thermos with the wide mouths so I could put soup or chili, or maybe even spaghetti?

Laundry, I recently started putting his clothes away. (before I refused, I said he was capable)
Greet him with a smile, instead of complaints (I still need to work on this more)

Have not done, intend to do

Pack away clothes I don't wear because I gained weight. (make more room for H's stuff, right now I am hogging the closet, and he is commenting on it. Have to buy rubbermaid)

Fix zipper on jacket - He has been asking for 5 years. This one is hard for me, but I will have to do it. 7 years ago, he did not appreciate hard work I put into makeing a fathers day gift for him. Since then I have had no desire to sew for him. (time to move past this)

Pay more attention to the little complaints, change what I can. He does not complain much. It is time to recognize that if he is complaining, it probably matters.

Now that I list it out, he does more for me than I do for him. Does giving birth 3x count as a LB or deposit? LOL. I suppose it depends upon what day you ask?

I need to get to work on this.

Guys, suggestions are welcome here. This is new to me. I thought I was doing well, until I actually list it out.

I trailing and big time. When you think about it, those deposits are like keeping score. But then again, I keep score in my own way too.

SS- I put the ring back on. I cannot justify trying if I don't wear the ring. He did not say anything if he noticed. He knows I take them off to lotion my hands, so he might have figured I didn't put them on right away.

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Hi Sue,
Tell us what prompted these thoughts.
How did you get to looking at things in this way?

You have come a long way since finding MB. I hope that you can feel it, and that it helps you know you can make it to where you want to be.

I have a great deal of respect for you. You are a very good help to many others here.

Perhaps H is trying to give up OW and be a full time H. You are on the right track - people WHO ARE TRTYING need help to give up addictions. If they are not trying, then no amount of help will do any good. It is nice you can see some good. It really doesn't make sense that he would be doing so many things right if he was totally against you and wanted out.

I don't have much time and I want to post to FBOW, I am worried about her.

SS

SS - I don't know what prompted these thoughts. I was sitting at work, working and it hit me. So, I quick went out and posted as I was thinking about what he has done for me, what I have done for him. Sometimes answers come when we least expect it.

I'm on a break at work right now. Did I mention H asked me to leave work early tonight, use up the last of my vacation. It sounds like all he wants to do is have a nice evening at home to bring in the new year. It will be nice.

My New Years Resolution is to start making a consious effort to identifying his needs and meeting them better. Listen better to the little things he says and recognize that he does not complain much, so when he does, listen. I think I can make room in the closet for more of his stuff. I remember when it was opposit, his clothes took up more space and there was no space for my clothes. I felt like he was making a statement that I did not really live there, so I did not need much space. Maybe he is taking it the same way.

Sometimes the BS, can be a little dense, and it takes something, to jog our memories and have us take stock of the situation.

Have a safe and Happy New year.

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

HI SS- one more thing

<<<HUG>>> you have been very good to many out here. Thank you. Your words along with others have brought me back to reality many times.

Thank you.

FBOW is that forebetterorworse?

Thankyou for the nice comment and the hug, same to you.

FBOW is that forebetterorworse?
Yes, and I didn't get a chance to post to her last night like I wanted, right after I hung up from talking to you, ( that's a figure of speach BTW) my family grabbed me for a photo project on the computer at home and I helped them and then we left for dinner with W's family and I never did get back on.

Sue, if you can keep going like you are right now, you will be OK. I am excited for you - and I hope you can keep the energy you need to make it work, because I think it will really help.

Happy New Year !

I am almost ready for St Patricks day - last year. Is it just me, or does time go faster and faster every year?

SS

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I cant seem to figure out how to post my situation on this site. Anyway, here it is: I suspect that my husband had an affair approximately 2 years ago, with a co-worker. he infatically denies it to this day. He had all of the classic "symptoms" all but lack of sex with me. I was pregnant with our third child and we weren't getting along at all. He acted like he hated me, called me fat and unattractive, but still slept with me!, he lost weight, became obsessed with his appearance, worked late(which he always has), so I didnt think anything of that, this woman (his secretary) would call our house when he was home from the office, I was always trusting and never thought anything of it. I then found a letter on his e-mail account to her. He claimed I was the wrong person for him,blah, blah, blah...needless to say, he still denies all of this. Tells me I am crazy...I actually have severed ties with a friend who works in the same town as my husband who tried to tell me he had been screwing around with this woman. By the way, the woman has 5 kids by 3 different men! I am a well-educated, sophisticated 35 year old woman! Go figure! Yes I was out of shape for a while when I had 2 kids back to back but never in a million years did I think my husband would do that to me. So here is my probelm...I can't forget about this situation, I have hounded him, pleaded with him to tell me the truth and he still denies. I have talked to my priest, I see a counselor but never could get him to admit. I know in my heart he has done this and of cousre couldn't face the consequences after the fact. He is a wonderful father and since this we have rebuilt our marriage but this feeling still lingers. My counselor tells me the truth eventually comes out but I feel that it never will and I honestly don't know what I will do when/if it does. I have always thought if you feel that your husband has had an affair than 9 times out of 10 he probably has. Why won't he admit it? I had severe post-partum depression after my third child was born but my therapy has made a huge difference in my life. I no longer feel like I am inadequate which is how he made me feel during this 6-8 month period of hell. I can't figure out if I would be more upset knowing he lied and was unfaithful or to think he made a dam fool out of me while I am sure everyone knew but me!!! Help...I need some incite from veterans!! Thank you..

Hi Serina,

Welcome to MB. As you can tell, there are many of us here.

My first suggestion is to start you own thread. You will receive better replies. You can do this by clicking on the "new topic" button at the bottom of this thread or at the bottom of any of the list of thread in any subject type. It will put you thread in that subject Type you pick.

Provide as much information as you can that you feel comfortable supplying.

My next suggestion is the book written by Dr. Harley, "Surviving an affair" This book helped me out alot.

This next part, is going to be the hardest to understand and accept. You cannot make him admit. The more you question, the more he will resist. He may never admit, and then again, he may admit when he feels safe to do so.

What is very important and I learned this, I hope in time to save my M, is don't get angry, and let the anger consume you. I was very angry, my H could not do anything right. Even when he tried I didn't appreciate what he did.

Take care adn welcome

Another day.

Started out good. H and I seem to be fine. H and S at it again. H is trying. I don't know what to do. S is being a snot. I love him dearly. He is refusing to do anything H asked him to. H is so upset right now, he says he can't do this anymore. I hope it is just frustration talking. Parenting is a very hard job. The one where we see the rewards when they are adults.

S said something to H that has H upset. H says S does not want him around. S will have to accept that his father will be there, no matter what.

I think H is upset to hear this. Well, what parent wouldn't be. It does not help, H's mom has some very unrealistic ideas about parenting. According to her, if you raise your children right, they will never fight, never talk back, always do as they are told. I know I am raising them right, and my children talk back, fight, walk away from me.

H says he will call me back. I want to call him and push to find out what happened. H does not respond to pushing. So, I guess I should wait for H to call. Or at least a little while. Give them time to calm down.

#1 S said something to H that has H very upset. H will not tell me what. I am concerned about it. H sounded like he was fighting back tears. This has me very concerned. H normally does not sound this way. He is sad. He will not open up to me. He says that he and S will work it out. I hope I am right to let them do this. Maybe this is what they need to do to build a R together.

Sue - I want to offer my 2 cents as a FWS. Your S may be able to pick up on what is going on with your H. I could tell my D was pulling away from me when I was involved in mine. That was one thing that really began to bother me. They might not realize what they are picking up on, but they know something is not right. I was also not paying her enough attention, and I was prone to be irritable with her a lot too.

It has been over a year since I ended my A and I am happier than ever being with my family. Oh yeah, I would also let him work out the relationship with S. Offer him guidance if he asks for it, but ultimately he is the one that must do the work.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks FMWB - this is hard for me to do. My S and I are very close. Sometimes, too close. He is very clingy to me. Always has been. I remember when I my mom was too sick to watch him for my anymore and I put him in a daycare center. It was a good one. I knew some of the people who worked there, my sister also used it, which is why I chosed them. My S would stand at the fence all day waiting and watching for me to come get him. He would have to be pried off of me so I could go to work. My sister started taking him for me, to make it easier. He would go readily for her. It was near when I took him out because of the cost that he started to adjust. When he started K, we had an open house. They took the kids on a tour of the school. He had to be pried off of me then too. My H went on the tour with him to help him. He is nine years old, and he still wants to sleep with me. When S was abou 20 months old, my H walked out on us. I think that affected S. When ever we would see a truck that looked like H's, S would try to run after it, calling "daddy". I would have to grab hold of him to keep him from getting run over. The first Christmas we spent apart, Christmas eve, after we came home from H's relatives, they wanted me there with the kids, S was standing at the window crying, I could not comfort him. H called, he just wanted to talk. Asked what the crying was about. I told him I didn't know. So, H talked to S on phone. S cried "I want my daddy". H tried to comfort him over the phone, it did not work. H said he was coming over. S stopped crying when he saw his truck pull up in front of apartment.

I don't know if that had anything to do with H and I getting back together or if it was a combination of things. We dated for two years and got married after that. H and S have not had the close R that S and I have. H has not been trying until the last few months. S, would always make comments about H not being home much, and that he is always gone.

I hope they can get a good R. From the day I told H I was pregnant with S, he was happy. Okay, maybe not initially. He was sort of shocked. Then he seemed happy. He would talk about plans for the future with his S. Said he wanted to be a better dad to his kids than what he had. H will not tell me what was said, and S does not remember. S slept most of the evening last night. He woke up, H made him something to eat, had him do his homework, and sent him back to bed. (it was late). This morning, S did not remeber what he said, just knew he was mad at dad. I worry about oldest S.

Hey Sue,
It sounds like you have your hands full with everything that is going on. How are you holding up?
samiace

Thanks - I am doing fine. Then again, it maybe because I am not feeling well, I cannot grasp the reality of it (LOL). My H was sick last week, I think I have it now. I want to sleep. He said that is how it started with him. I'm too foggy in the head to feel much of anything.

S sounded fine on the phone today. I will be going home soon. I'm at work right now. Decided to take some sick time and go home. Before I do, I wanted to look in on some posts. I don't post when H is home. Not sure how he will react.

Well ,it sounds like you are both hanging in there. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks - I'm sure I will be fine by the end of the weekend.

I might get back on when I get home. I have not decided. Once in awhile, when H is doing other stuff, I get on here.

Sue. I found your posts.. You have been so kind and helpful to me and I just wanted to say THANKS and hugs to you.. How do you do it? Pure strength and a will to be the great person that yoou are. I am sorry that u cannot post whenn hubby is there, I make mine read some oof this so he can see what a loser he really is for doing what he did..GOOD LUCK to you......L

Hi Sue,
My time online has been really limited, but I wanted to see how you are doing. I hope you are not still feeling ill.

You went through a lot of different emotions during the holidays, what has come out of it all?
Or in other words, after all the up's and down's, what are you feeling now about relationship with H?

I hope you got some rest, and are ready for school. If you are like many of us, you stayed up too late, and are still tired. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let us know.
SS