Hi SS,

School - I wish it was over. We just had a math test, which to pass you had to have 100%. I understand the reasoning. It was a medical dosage math quiz. I missed 2. I think I know which two. It was a two parter, and I blew the first part, so that meant the second part was wrong too.

On the plus side, I get to take it again. And I'm not alone. Out of 82 students - 22 got 100%. Every semester we get the same type quiz, last semester I got 100%. I dont' know why I had troubles coming up with it this time.

I practiced the problems too.

School, trying to get back into the swing of things.

How are things on the homefront - I don't know. H goes back and forth between being a great H and a jerk. He did disappear once for a short time, but he returned much earlier than I expected.

He has made comments again about not wanting to be a father any more. I don't know if he means it or if it is frustration talking. I asked him and he avoided the question. I wanted to say "sorry guy, too late to make that decision" I have my moments where I miss the pre children life. What I miss is the freedom to do what I want, when I want, but I don't miss it that much. If someone offered me that life back, I would turn it down. I would never give up my children.

My classmates were trying to get me to call in at work and go to the bar. I said no, I have work, I have responsibilities at work, I have children to support, I have a mortgage to pay. Then another one asked, so, is this what it is like to work full time. I said yes. Then they asked if H and I wanted to joing them Sat night. I said no, this weekend we have Dance, hockey, a wedding, a birthday party and hockey again. The kids pretty much take up the weekends. I dont' mind. A couple of them in the group want kids. With their lifestyles, they will need to make some major changes or they should reconsider becoming parents at this time. They live for the next party.

Oh and yeah, things with MIL are better. She does not over step her bounds anymore.

I hope the way things have been going are a goo indication of an improvement in our M.

H has been taking on more responsibilities at home. When it has snowed H shoveled. in the past I shoveled. This morning, I was taking out he recycling before the recycle truck came, H was out shoveling, I came by with a shovel to help. He had it all done. He started throwing snow balls at me. I threw back. I had to go in to make sure the kids are getting ready for school, I turned my back on him, next thing I know, I'm in a snow pile on my back. He helps me up, and puts his cold hands on my back. It was fun, cold, but fun. I don't recall us ever having some impromtu fun like that.

Last night, we came home from our son's bowling party. The neighbors were out having a snowball fight with their kids. Our kids joined in. Next thing we know, H and I join in, and it becomes kids against the grown ups.

Today we went sleding with out D. It was such fun. I'm paying the price physically for it. I don't think my legs will be the same again after going up and down the hill. The down was the easy part, it was the up that is the killer. Even H is complaining and he has a physical job.

I'm so happy to hear things seem better. Why is it women are usually less bothered by the time children take up?

I feel for you going to school with youngsters, they have no idea what's coming!

Take care!

Sue,
All I am seeing here is good news. Did tinkerbelle sprinkle fariy dust on the two of you or what is happening? It's almost like you have been reading HNHN and applying what you learned!

He is considering moving to CA. He came up with this on his own?

If this is what you hope it is, then I am very happy for you.

Sue, I believe you should keep trying, it looks like it is paying off for you. I suspect you even feel better about your self. True?

SS

<small>[ February 04, 2003, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS,

Yes I do feel better about myself. He has always hinted about missing CA, ever since he left the Navy. He was married then. Married his HS sweetheart. She wanted to come back to home, so they did. I don't really know what went wrong, he says they were too young when they married and they grew apart. Was that really the case???? I will not know. Anyway, they divorced, we met and now we are married.

Anyway, he started hinting stronger, since we have been discussing selling the house. We don't like where we live. Love the house, hate the city. I was thinking we would move to the city next door. I grew up there. The two are right next to each other and they are totally different in identity. Kids attend school in the district I want to live in, not the district we live in. He wanted to know if I would be able to work in CA after I finish school. I told him probably, I know the test I take is a national test. I would have to check into that states requirements. I might be minus a class or two. I asked why, and he said how he has always wanted to go back to CA, he thinks I would love it there. Also threw in a plug for the weather not beating up the homes in CA as they here. I take this as a positive sign with his R with her. Maybe she is an xOW?

I replaced the DVD I broke today. It would have cost more to fix the other one than to buy the one I bought on sale.

H has been more affectionate and considerate. Last night was our last night with the building families group I attended with the kids. H managed to get out of each on in the past. This one, he considered getting out of, last night was also his brothers birthday, wanted to go out with his mom and brother for dinner. H decided to attend strong families instead. AFter that was over, then he went to see his brother. I was impressed. I told him he could go to his brother, that he did not have to come. I'm glad he did. I'm also glad he got to celebrate his brothers birthday with him.

It really makes me happy lately to read your posts. You are so positive !!

I hope it continues to improve. Please keep it up!

SS

Thanks - you have been a big help. Sometimes all it takes is an objective observer.

Sometimes I want to check the phone bill online, but right now I am too happy and I don't want anything bringing me down. Even if they are on a daily talking, how long can that last? Especially since he does not have time to see her, and he is home more. Even his attitude has changed. His tone is different. Before, I knew he was flying by the seat of his pants in trying to come up with where he is going/what he did. Now, he isn't.

Did I mention that he is even shoveling the snow this year? I recall 8 years ago, december, I was pregnant with our middle child who was born in January. H's brother was home on leave. Snow fell, I mentioned to my H that it needed to be shoveled, and since his mom was at work and she owned the house, if someone slipped, she would be responsible. Both of them ignored me. So, there I am pregnant and shoveling the snow. H's comment to me after I was done, see, it got done. I don't mind you doing it. Talk about a change. Now, he is doing it.

Sue,
I can see a confidence in you that wasn't there before. Whatever you are doing must be working. I just hope he continues to support you and help you. It is so much easier to continue to do good when the spouse helps.

I meant what I said on the other thread. You have a lot of ability and you are a smart gal. I suspect you will do well in school, I suspect if your marriage can be fixed, you will find the way.

It's funny what you say about shoveling snow, many of us are lazy, I wonder if my W has stories like that about me that I can't remember any longer. Oh well, we can always get better.

SS

still here, been real busy with school and stuff

I almost wrote to you last night and I laughed out loud and said that very thing. " I bet she is busy with school."

I would say have fun but you won't.

At least try not to cry on your homework.

SS

I'm waiting for the results of our first test for this semester. I'm worried I failed it.

Everytime I walk out of the test thinking I did good, that is the test I fail. Everytime I walk out worried that I failed, that is the ones I pass.

I left this test thinking I did good. I did not have to agonize over the questions. I read it, picked my answer, and went with it. So now I'm really worried, because I was not worried when I walked out.

I know this makes no sense, but it is the pattern I've noticed.

I recall one Adult and Aging psychology course, I thought I did a minimum of a B on the test. I wanted to cry when I got the results back. I got a "D". I managed to pull the D up to a C, by the end of the class.

Things are going okay at home. H, sometimes reverts to old behaviour for a day or two, then he comes back again. But you know, this is not my problem. He will have to deal with it. At least he is home most of the time still.

Forgot to add, this week was the week from you know where.

Every Tues & Wed, clinicals for the next 3 weeks. Class on Thurs, have to arrange a community service project, a presentation, preceptorship, prepare for boards, and about 4 other misc. papers. If I find myself by the end of May, I will be surprised. Most days, I don't know if I'm coming, going, leaving, or what. Lets not forget Dance on Saturdays, Hockey on Saturday and Sunday. Oh well, if my life was not busy, I'd be bored.

Good news, I passed. 82 out of 100. The one thing I hate about our tests, is there is more than one right answer. Sometimes, you can overthink and over analyze the question and answer wrong. I do that alot.

I am so mad I could scream. So here it comes, plug your ears. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
That felt good.

Why did I want to scream? it started with on our way to breakfast this morning. H asked the strangest question. H wondered how our D would be if she had a baby sisters. He thougth probably bossy. So, I questioned if there was another child, or one on the way. He denied both. So, I have to ask, why sister, why not brother, or sister or brother. We cannot have anymore children, I had a tubal.

So, I was talking to a coworker, bouncing possiblilities off of her. One I came up with was, that there is an OC, and H is feeling me out. See my reaction. Especially since, he told me last summer that OW has cancer. The cancer came up around the time we were planning a summer vacation, so I blew it off, as she was worried that he was going to end it. After all, this was the first family vacation we have ever went on.

So, one of my many speculations is that she does have cancer, possibly terminal, there is an OC, and he is trying to see my reaction. Follow me.
My coworker told me at work we have a database that has public records. She knows who works in that department and they could do a search for us. Well, I got nosey, found the database, and did a search on H. Wanted to see if relatives came up. I showed up under his report. Well, I was surprised to see what showed up on the report as to others who lived at prior addresses under his name. When H was working out of state, she showed up under the same address. So, I searched on her name. She pulled up two records, one for current address and one for out of state address, same as H's. I did not expect this one.

H went out of state to work when our D was 6 or 7 months old. This was a mutually agreed upon work assignment. Except we agreed he would go for 3 months, he was gone 9 months. She was out there for 7 months. Work was slowing down here, I had injured my back, missed some time from work. H thougth he could go work some OT, and make enought to make up for my loss income. The scale was higher out there, plus they were doing 10-20 hours per week in OT. Now, I wonder if my hurting my back was the excuse he was looking for to go out of state to work. Was she PG, and wanted her out of state, so none of her friends would see her, and have it get back to me? She has friends that are friends of my sister. You have no idea how much I want to throw it at him. I printed it off.

One more thing I found our recently. When H and I married, we could not afford much in the line of rings, so we bought plain wedding bands. The summer after H returned home, one night he comes home with a different ring. Shows it to me, and says he bought it to replace the one I gave him when we married. Recently, he was foolish enough to tell me that when he went to get his new ring, OW was with. She had a friend that worked there, and gave him her discount. I told him, I want to trade that ring in for a different one because it is not right that another woman is with while he is picking out his wedding ring. I told him, that I should have been with him. To me that ring is tainted, and insult to our marriage, and it says that he thinks our M was one big joke. How do I know, they didn't do some so called, soul marriage. By that I mean the pledged their love for each other, and it is not legal, but to them emotionaly binding. I want to throw the printouts I made and ask him to explain this.

He must think I am such an idiot. May is not that far away. Boards are only a couple of months after that.

When I came home, it took all I had to keep from crying in front of him. the only thing I could do was be distant. It will take a day or two for me to regain my composure, and I can go back to pretending that I have a normal marriage. I guess I will just add it to the long list of things that show our marriage was never real.

I am in a really pissy mood right now. I read a couple of threads, I am not in a mood to be replying to anyone. My response has been around the lines, of dump the loser, he/she is not worthy of you, and he/she deserves to rot under the rock they crawled out from under, except the rock refused to take them back. I have to get out of this slump. I need to make it until graduation and boards. My mood is reflecting into my parenting. Normally I am compassionate with my kids, and I have to ignore them right now, because if I don't, I might say something to them I will regret. I hate this life.

Hi Sue,
just read your latest post.
First of all, so far it's all gut feeling and speculations about OC, tha only facts you have are the common addresses.

So, before your emotions will make you act right away, reconsider your plan of finishing school first ( few hard work months away) rather than confrontonging right now.

Because it's you choice - to live in uncertainty and suspicion for the next few few months OR receive more lies OR to get a truthful answer which may or may not make those remaining few months of school harder than they already are.

IMHO, you could wait, I always admried you for you plan and sticking to it despite many times surprising and hurtful actions of your H. Unless you know you can't wait with the proof you have right now and any true fact would be better than uncertainty.

Would the fact you would be more independent after finishing your school affect you reaction to OC ( if there is one) and the decision about raising him/her if the need arises?

FBOW

Common sense keeps trying to nudge in, what you discovered was the past. Yes, it confirms what you suspected that he has been unfaithful your whole marriage. As of the last two months, things have been better. How many lies will I uncover before it does not matter. All I wanted to do, was to find out if he was hinting that there might be a child in the mess of things, and prepare myself for it. I did not expect to find that. I have to get out of this mood. My children don't deserve it. They deserve their loving mom back

Hi FBOW,

Thanks. I have to stick with my plan and my goal. It is best option in the long run. I need to be able to support my kids if things turn out that way. I have to be strong about this.

If there is an OC, my reaction to him/her will be the same whether I finish school or not. Lets assume h was telling me the truth and she has cancer, and the possiblility of an OC exists. H wants to work on M. Could I accept OC? I'd like to think that I am mature enough to, and to love that child in time as I love my own. I know that OC had no say in the circumstances OC was born into.

I know, finishing school is what i have to do. If I confront H now, it will be harder for me to accomplish my goal, because 1) H could walk, 2) H might stay, and I will want answers, which he will not provide, so increased tension 3) H will say he is only staying until I finish school, and that will be increased tension because I will want to tell him to get out.

So, confronting now, has a higher chance of being a lose-lose situation vs a win-win. Then again, infidelity is a lose-lose situation all around. The question is, will it turn into a win-win or a lose-lose.

Thanks- I have calmed down now