Sue,
Remember why they call this a roller coaster ride?

I think you did a good job on this one with the logic. Really you do need to focus on what will happen the next few months, doing well in school, and your children. Nothing you learn will change that .

I am sorry for the pain that comes and goes. It' s hard do know what to say, even though I know you are feeling better now, the hurts still hurt, and it takes time to get back to where you can perform the way you want.

I wish I could get around more, these last few weeks have been - well, busy, but that is an over used word. Sorry I didn't come by sooner.

Remember that you live now, in the present, and keep working to make things better. I still think you have it in you to do all that you need to do. I really do.

SS

As usual, I am amazed at your strength Sue. Just keep looking down the road to the day you can tell him the gig is up. The look on his face should be priceless.

I'm sorry you are hurting. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm okay now. Thanks for everyones responses. Even though this occured back when I suspected, it was still a shock to find it out.

Just needed a little reality check.

Just finished another round of clinicals. This round was the worst I've had. I almost quit it was that bad. (And no, I did not kill anybody or give a wrong med.). I just was given to hard of a patient load in my opinion for a student. An experienced Nurse would have probably done great. Students have restrictions, which we should for patient safety. Somethings we can do alone, other things need to be checked to make sure we have everything correct, and other stuff we have to have an RN or Instructor present. What gets you behind is when you have to have a Nurse or instructor present or check it first. You have to find someone, then wait for them to come to you. This can be very time wasting. I try to fill those times up with paperwork, but even then if it is all done, not much can be done, but wait. Next week I hope will be better.

Sue, I'm new here but I have read all of your posts with astonishment, I really admire you for keeping your mind so focused on your goals. You are definitly a strong woman. I have a few questions for you if you wouldnt mind answering. I too suspect my H is cheating. I cannot prove it however, He works in a hotel as a maint. supervisor, I suspect he is cheating with someone that works there. I dont know who. You had mentioned you did some kind of a check on your H how did you do it? What kind of check was it? How much did it cost? This is my second marriage my first was abusive to both me and my twin daughters(now 15) I met my H 2yrs after divorcing my ex. This was his 2nd marriage also. I have trust issues with him he is a very private person does not talk about his past much. My ex about 2 weeks ago told me the reason my H got a divorce from his 1st wife is that he had several affairs on her. I have been suspecting him since he took this maint. job in August.Just different things have triggered my suspicions. Cell phone #'s, getting called into work for various reasons little things. I questioned him he denyed. But since I have these suspicions, it blew me away when my ex told me he had several affairs on his ex. Now mind you I do not speak to my ex at all so he would have no idea of my suspicions. My H tells me he has done a lot of things in the past he is not very proud of but cheating is not one of them. I'm really having a hard time with this it is driving me absolutly crazy this "gut feeling". In December I was so stressed out from it I came down with shingles. If you can help me in any way with any info, I would appreciate it.
My self confidence is really taking a nose dive here I really wish I could be strong like you. If you have any tips on that, they would be appreciated too.

Thanks for listening
Paula

Hi Paula,

This strength I have, we all have, it comes from within. The first time my H cheated on me, I was a wreck, went to counseling, the whole bit, he had be convinced I was crazy. In time, I came to realize it was all a manipulative mind game. Once I came to that realization, I was able to get stronger. (I refer to it as the first time, is becuase, I thought it was over, I now question if it ever ended). I stay strong because my goal to finish school and achieve my degree is very important to me. If it wasn't, then it would be hard for me to stay focused on it. I realize that my goal means as much to me as my children do.

If you suspect, then it is probably true. You see, I suspected my whole marriage. I questioned many things, but I blew it off as my being distrustful because of the past.

How did I find out stuff, well, you have a computer, use that as your friend. Be prepared, you may not like what you see. Cell phone, most cell phone companies put the bills on line. Use reverse look up to see where the call are going to or coming from. Spyware can be downloaded onto the computer, I think it cost about 100/ give or take. When my H went to Vegas, I called the hotel. I have the advantage that I always knew her name. I asked if she checked in yet. Later I called back and said I was looking for two friends, and I don't know if they have the same room or seperate rooms, they confirmed they were sharing a room and connected me. It took all my strength to not leave a message "BUSTED". H met her through a mutual friend. This friend never intended for them to hook up. She apologized to me so many times, she felt so bad. H was introducing friend to a friend of his. She brought her with because she did not want to go to the bar alone. Next thing I know, H is hooked up with this other girl. I found out where she worked because her work has a website, it has her name listed under the contacts.

It is hard, very hard. When I first found out I was destroyed, as I said, I thought we worked it out, and she was gone. When I first confirmed that it was not over between them was about a year ago. I was back where I was the first time, except, he was still there. I went into a depression. I didn't eat for a while, eventually, my body took over and made eat. I practically choked on it. H was with me. He know something was wrong. He noticed my change in behaviour. I remember leaving work most days, and it would take all I had to keep my composure until I made it to my car, and I would let go and start crying and screaming, cursing god, cursing the world, wishing I was dead. After awhile, I got stronger, found this website, talked to a couple of attorneys. Came to the conclusion that I had to decide what was important right now and stay focused. With each discovery it hurts, I get made, but I don't go into the depression anymore. The hardest part for me is wondering why did he marry me if he didn't want to end it with her. I question if he ever loved me or did he marry me because of the kids, the child support he was paying me, what? Who knows. Maybe I will never know. Having a goal to stay focused on helps. I used to dread breaks from school, because my distraction was gone and I would start to think about it again.

The beginning is the hardest part.

There was a post I saw a while back from "watchdog". He gave some pointers. He said he is/was a private investigator. You can purchase relatively cheaply audio recording devices. I never did.

One of the things that helped me to confirm, was, when H would start to go places, I said I will go with, he said no, he will not be gone long, and he was gone for hours. He also never came home with the one item he went for. Snoop in the car for receipts. I question all the time receipt out to lunch that are for two. Does he use the Debit card to pay for things, go over the bank statement with a fine tooth come. I never hesitated to question anything on the bank statement that did not look right.

I don't see doing a Plan A as being a doormat or anything like that. You still have to maintain your self respect, and you cannot allow them to disrespect you. Once that starts, it is hard to get it back. And that can be done in a respectful manner.

I hope I answered your questions. If not, ask more. I also suggest starting your own thread. There are many out here who is of tremendous help.

Take care

How does he react when you question him about these inconsistancies? Isn't it terrible that he can sit there and watch you suffer and do nothing about it. Make sure you are covering your bases legally. Don't let him take from you any more than he has.

He tries to react as if all is okay. I know his tone of voice when he is hiding something and when he isn't. It is a subtle change, but I know what it is. He has done it too many times for me to not know.

This weekend was not a good one. I got up, took D to dance class, within 30-45 min, H was out of the house. I know this because MIL told me she tried to get ahold of him to ask him to meet her, BIL, and our 2 boys for breakfast. Grandma had the kids the night before. She brought D home in time for dance. She tried to reach me to have us meet. When I saw she was not at the house, I assumed she was at the cafe, because she mentioned me bring D there, because there is an antique shop next to the cafe. She wanted to buy D a tea set she saw there. Wanted D to look at it. Since no one was home, I went to the cafe, and there was MIL, BIL and kids. No Hubby. Hubby not answering cell phone. After breakfast, I went to mall to get a couple of things. Still no hubby. Hubby finally calls me on my cell. Now, OW, just happnens to reach him during that 30-45 min from the time I left to the time MIL tried to reach him. YEAH, SURE (detect the sarcasm). She wanted him to do some work for a friend of hers who happens to have the same name as her brother, and happens to live in the same town as her brother.

Later that day, H is trying to be all nicey to me. He wanted to meet the guys up north for some ice fishing. Now, there was and Ice fishing tournament sponsored by H's union. When H first suggested that they wanted to go last Monday, I lined up a babysitter, so we both could get away for the weekend. H, said he was not going. I cancelled babysitter. Now, H wants to go up for the night. I told him to do what he wanted, but he was not going to get my permission. I did not approve. He said he would take me out next week. I don't need his pity date. or his Guilt date. Right now, I really dont' care if my M makes it or not. I don't know if I dont care anymore. I told him I did not approve and have never approved of these overnight trips away from home. It is not right when a couple is married that they do this. He then told me if I wanted to, I could, all I had to do was let him know. I reminded him that a few years ago, I wanted to. I needed a break, and he got all mad, so I never asked again. H, then asked me if I was trying to make him feel guilty, which I replied "No, but he must be feeling guilty if he brought it up." H then went out to the store to get me some pop. I saw him return, spent too much time in the car, probably on the phone with OW. He then comes in with some snack foods. I asked him what time he was leaving. He said he was not. We did not talk much the rest of the evening. Sunday, kids had Hockey, H then left to finish job from yesterday. Took him 7 hours. I don't believe it took 7 hours. I've heard him discuss how long it takes to do these things in the past.

I think it is time for me to accept that my M is over, that H does not want to live the life of a married committed family and that he wants the freedom of a single man. He has commented on how he does not like being a dad sometimes.

I have to get through the next few months so I can finish school, get myself in a position to support the kids on my own if need be. There is on reason why they should have to make any more adjustments than necessary.

Maybe I am overreacting, but I don't think so. The sooner I accept the inevitable, the better off I will be when it come time to take the steps necessary.

Sue,
I haven't heard you so down for quite a while.
How about we wait a few months and see what happens?

I also think you should go to plan B before you hang it up.

I know you will make this one, but other low's will come. Just steele yourself and make your goal and then lets look at things. I am still praying for you and your family. Sounds like you could use another good day.

How's everyting else?
Kids OK?
School?

SS

Man Sue, you're post made me want to cry. I feel so bad for you and the situation you are in. Why don't you want to confront him now and tell him to move out in the near future? At least you would have to live a lie anymore, it would be out in the open. I just don't see how you do it, I would have to say something, for my own sanity. Banish him to the couch and ignore him. Focus on your degree and show him you don't care. Who knows, it might bring about an unexpected change, in your favor. What have you got to lose??

Man, I wish I could boot your H in the butt!! lol

Things are a little bit better. I have not expectations at this point. No exectations means no let downs.

H is actually behaving as if he cares. At least I get washed dishes out of it.

I am back to being focused on school, and the kids. And behaving as if I care about my M. Time will tell.

Why don't I confront now, becuase

1- H might leave. H would deny it, no matter what proof I have, I need him in the home right now.

2 - If I did confront now, and H stayed, I would not be able to stand to look at him if he stayed but wanted to keep seeing OW. That would be the ultimate in disrespect to me, the kids, everything. At least this way, he has to sneak around to see her.

There are so many times I want to send a letter to her parents (she lives at home) and tell them that he is married. I know, what good will it accomplish. I want to call her work and tell who ever answers the phone, I want to hurt her the way that they have hurt me. I will not do these things because it would be counterproductive. I can think revenge, no one can stop me from thinking. Sometimes I get rather creative, and other times I'm downright mean.

Right now, I don't really care. I just want to graduate, pass boards, find a better job.

SS- How is your W doing? You said she had surgery right?

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 07:26 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

I would call and cancel their hotel reservations next time there are any. I know you said you called and checked on them before. Anything you can think of to sabotage their fun...

I like that idea. By the time there is an opportunity for a next time, he will be out of the house or he would have sent a NC letter.

I have had a long time to put a lot of thought into this, and there are a few things that are non negotiable. My way or the hiway. There are a few things I will negotiate on. Any thing involving her, is non negotiable. She is out, plain and simple, if not, then he is out.

By the time I confront, I will be more than ready to implement Plan B if need be. You see, for me, once the A is out in the open and if he tries to continue it, that is in my face disrespect, and I will not tolerate that, ever. Right now, I know he is disrespecting me, he does not know that I know, he does not see it as that. I don't know if his mom would let him move back home or not. She has major issues with infidelity.

We will see

I know spring is around the corner, Soccer sign ups are tomorrow. After little Princess has her dance class, we will stop at the Cro and sign her up and her brothers up. Last her the boys played their first year, and want to continue, this will be her first year. We will also sign her up for skating lessons. If I knew how, I would take her out on the ice. Dad keeps using the excuse that he cannot teach her because she has figure skates. All she needs to know how to do is skate, the stopping will come later. Beside, she will probably be playing hockey too, unless she decides figure skating is more to her liking. I think she will go more for the hockey, she is an active little thing. The boys also want to play ball. I will have to see if that conflicts with Soccer. If it does, they will have to decide between one or the other.

I know, my title has nothing to do with my kids activities, just wanted to put this in because I am so proud of my kids and their abilities.

I never got to participate in activities when I was younger, either my parents did not think it important, they did not know about it, we could not afford it, or there was too many kids in our family, and my mom was not going to tote us around. Besides, in my youth there was not too much for girls to do, softball which I stunk at, cheerleading, which I was not popular enough for, etc etc.

Girl scout cookies are here, yum yum

We missed the cookies this year. I thought my W was getting them, and I told them no. She thought I was getting them. Oh well, next year.

Sue, how do you feel that you are doing now, I mean, after Christmas you seemed to resolve to do better at being nice to him. How are you doing with that now?

I need to post to FBOW, but I don't think I can do it tonight. Tell her hi for me if you get over there.

SS

I will tell her you say Hi,

As far as my attitude towards H, I'm bordering between Hostility and being nice, depends upon what mood I am in at the time.

It does not help any that he is looking for anything to pick a fight over. Calling our oldest names really gets to me. Or constantly yelling at him. I really believe my H is disappointed in our oldest because he is more sensitive than our second oldest. Our second oldest is sensitive, he is better at hiding it.

H hates it when oldest cries and calls him a baby. The other day, H calls me at work, and says "talk to your son" (I hate that, calling him my son when he is upset with him, it is like he is disowning him when he does not meet H's expectations) The whole time I am trying to talk to son on the phone, H is screaming at him. I told son to go to his room and go to bed, so he could get away from him. The whole time son is crying. When these things happen, I have very little desire to make my M work. At times like these I really despise him and think very poorly of my H, such as he is the biggest idiot I've ever met.

Dear Sue, and SS,
thanks for checking on me. I don't feel like posting recently, conserving emotional energy, and trying to concentrate on practical issues.
I can tell you that having you thinking about me does help me tremendously.
Thank you.
FBOW

Weel, things are not as I thougth they were.

Found out today, that H went to Vegas again. He claimed he was going with some other out of work union brothers to sign the books. I found out that OW is also in Vegas. Seminar. Now, I don't believe that this it purely coincidental.

Talking to MIL. I had to talk to someone, I didn't know waht to do. She told me that she suspected that H was cheating on his first wife. I think my H has other issues that do not have to do with our R. I think he has troubles letting go. Almost as if, if he lets the OW go, and things don't work out with his M, then he has her to fall back on. It does not matter how much I meet his needs, as long as he has these issues going on, my M is doommed to fail.

I am so upset. I had my last day of clinicals today, it took everything I had to keep it together. The busier I was, the better I was. During the down times, I kept wanting to break down. Not impressive for a Nursing student to fall apart on the floor.

Now I have to concentrate on putting together my presentation and papers, preceptorship, and state boards. I know where I want to work. I am going to apply there. I hope I get hired.

{{{{{(((((((Sue)))))))}}}},
So sorry to read your last post.
You are so good in focusing where you need in order to get you there.
Please vent if this helps you decide on current course of action.
I know you do have a longer time frame plan.
Thinking of you
FBOW

I'm so sorry about this latest news Sue, I don't know how you manage to keep it together. It's great that you were able to talk to your MIL, you need to be able to talk to someone. I worry about you, handling this alone, it is not healthy.

How much closer are you to being able to blow him out of the water?