I graduate at the end of May, boards are sometime between June and July. I have to pass boards before I can do anything. If I don't pass boards, I don't work and I have to stay at my current job, which I cannot support the kids on that paycheck.

How do I stay focused, not easy. When I am distracted like at clinicals, and school, it is easy. Such as today, I got up, took the kids to school, I have no appetite, ate because I should, had to chock it down. Went to school, lecture distracted me, now that class is done, all I wanted to do was call him on his cell phone and scream at him that I KNOW, I KNOW EVERYTHING YOU LYING CHEATING SCUM, POOR EXCUSE OF A HUMAN BEING. SELFISH, SELF-CENTERED IMMATURE MANIPULATIVE BABY WHO HAS NO REGARD FOR OTHER FEELINGS AND WANT OR DESIRES EXCEPT YOUR OWN. YOU DONT' CARE WHO YOU HURT TO GET WHAT YOU WANT THAT INCLUDE YOUR OWN CHILDREN. No, I dont' feel better because I could not scream this at him.

By March 20th I have to decide if I want to sign up for a celebration dinner we are having for the graduating class. Some of us ordered Nursing pins. At the dinner, we can have the person who has been helpful to us in acheiving our goal. My friends and classmates know that I have been going through. They have been a big help in keeping me distracted and focused during clinicals and class. I don't know if I want my H at this dinner, this is my celebration, my kids celebration, (I can invite my children). How do I do this, and not invite my H, but to not invite would be a LB. I dont' want my classmates who know to be rude to him. That would only cause tension at the table. I dont' know what to do. I suppose I could ask them to act like they don't know and treat him as they would if we had a good marriage.

I have some time to think this over

How I wish I could confront him so I can put an end to it. Either the A or our M. Either way I can get on with my life.

I have decided that when I confront, he will have decisions to make, depending upon his decisions, will determine my next action.

I want a cigerette. I have none, I bum them from others when I feel like this. I want to buy a pack and start smoking, but at the same time, I know know physically exactly how smoking effects the body. Sometimes nursing school is not always a good thing

I have to leave for work. I will check back on break

<small>[ March 06, 2003, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Sue,

I have started this a number of different ways but I can't get it going right. I will just dispense with the pleasantries and get to the heart of it.

If you aren't going to confront before school is out, then continue plan A. Only thing is that with continued disrespect comes massive burnout. Can you make this work?

If you are going to make it work, you need to put it out of your mind, and go on.

I ( probably one of many) wish you could get this over with now. If you are journaling what is going on you could just write it up and leave a copy on the porch with his stuff in June. Actually that is not the kind of help you need, is it.

Next, please don't take up the smokes again. You worked to hard getting where you are now. ( At least I hope you have.)

And last, remember your family. Be steady and strong. I know you have done that too long already but what choice do you have. I really believe you can do it. He has shown signs that he cares about you. I know that he has made some big mistakes, but he has shown signs. Things are not all bad, don't let what is bad make you crazy.

Sue,
I have a lot of faith in you. Please show me I'm right.

SS

I know you have your reasons for doing this the way you are. I have to say I couldn't do it. I would not be able to keep from screaming what you just posted. I admire your strength.

Hi SS & FMWB,

I know I have to stay focused. That is what is helping me to stay in Plan A. Some days I falter.

He made the mistake of bring up that he needed to get away from the kids. I reminded him that since I became a mother 9 years ago, I had two vacations, 1- vegas to get married, 2- Branson last summer. While he has gone to vegas 6-8 times, sking trips to California, Vermont, Montana, Colorado, Fishing trips to Missouri, Colorado, not to mention the anual softball tournament up north, the annual golf tournament in Wi, annual softball tournament in Wi.

I know I don't have much time left until I finish school, staying in Plan A will make the time bearable. Personally I like the idea of giving him my journal, printout of my thread along with a bag of his clothes and telling him "bye bye". I can make it through the rest of the year. Pretending helps alot. The problem with pretending is, that even though you know you are pretending, part of it is real, and with each discovery, come new hurt and pain. By the time I can confront, I may not want to make my M work. I might go from Plan A to Plan Divorce. We will see. I don't have a crystal ball in front of me to know what will happen in June/July.

I will be fine and I will make it through this. I am a strong woman. Now to decide about the dinner.

I am in a situation similar to yours. I will be graduating college in the spring and I strongly suspect my husband. no proof though. For instance tonight I called because he was one hour late at getting home, just to see if he wanted supper to wait. well he was on his way and had to stop at the office, that is where she works too. so I drove by her house and sure enough she was just getting home too. Some days this is madding, I have my eyes open though.
thanks for the inspiration.

Hi Lorigirl,

If you suspect, you have your reasons, and you are probably right. Especially if he has not treated you this way before.

I talked to my sister tonight, and she told me had she known his real plans, she never would have agreed to help and watch the kids. She said he told her he was going for work. I told her, from now on, check with me as to what is the situation.

What are you going to school for?

I know if it wasn't because of school I would not have made it this far. I would have told him off by now. Last April I was all set to start divorce proceedings. It is hard, but if you keep your sight on your goal, it is easier to manage. Except for my bad days, I have them, I vent, cry whatever, then within a couple of days I have it undercontrol again, until the next time.

What did he say when you reminded him of all of his getaways?

Not much, just that if I wanted to go on a vacation I could. I told him that we had discussed the issues of seperate vacations when we first started dating, and I thought we had both agreed that married couples do not take seperate vacations. I also told him that once, all I wanted was to get away for the weekend, there was too much going on and I needed a break, and he go all mad and accused me of trying to abandon my kids. He did not say much after that.

Right now, I am in the process of writing a combination journal/letter to him. I did some major thinking last night. Not sure if that was a good thing to do in my state of mind or not.

Rigth now, I'm thinking that he never really wanted to marry me. I remember the weekend when we left to get married, he was good about going, until we got on the plane, then he said he was not sure, said, don't worry, I will probably marry you. (I should have ran to the next plane going back home once this one landed.) I didnt talk to him the rest of the way. Things got better, I figured cold feet which he recovered from. We got married, had a great weekend. The trip home, he practically avoided me and did not care if we had seats on the plane together or not.

Gotta go. Will finish in a little bit

As I thought back through out our history together, there were other instances such as this. Besides, I am tired of being compared to his xW, xGF. If I am so horrible to be with, why did he marry me in the first place. I've always voiced my opinion and never held back, alsways told him when I did not like how he treated me. He still married me, and now he is not happy with me. Maybe he married me because of the kids, he saw I was barely making it before, or did he marry me because of the child support. He always complained of not having any money.

Right now, I need some time to get myself back together. At this point, I am so tired of it all, I don't care if my M survives or not. I just want to finish school, bet a better job, take care of my kids, and get on with my life. With or without him. I just want to go foward. I might be getting frustrated because the end of the road is so close and yet so far.

I hear ya, you want to be able to act on your plan now. Just stay strong and steady.

Yes, Sue - be careful that you don't leave that journal out where H can read it - you may subconsciously be wanting to let him have it now because emotionally, you are entirely fed up; but it would blow up everything in your face and be catastrophic to your completing school and getting the job you want. I think you want to be able to move on your own terms, not the catastrophic plan.

Thanks Kayla,

I keep it well hidden in with my books. He never goes in there. He knows I would get mad if he messed up my school stuff. I've worked too hard for too long to get to this point.

I have until March 20th to decided if I want to attend the graduating class celebration dinner. They are doing a "pinning" ceremony. At first I thougth it would be fun to go, but I don't really want him there. Especially feeling the way I do. I decided today I had to go back to pretending. I can do it. I've been doing it for a year now, I can do it for a few more months.

My MIL is sorry this has happened, she says for me to make the decision that is in my best interest. She won't tell him I know. She knows it is important for me to finish school. Her and I have our differences, (covered in a previous post) but when it comes to the kids, she agrees that things have to be done in their best interest. She over indulges them to the point where it causes me alot of problems with the kids. She would not do anything that would intentionally hurt them. Besides, I think she would like to see us work it out. She knows what he did the last time I confronted him. She is very religous. I think she never remarried after she divorced because of her religous beliefs. She divorced my H's dad because he is an alcoholic, who liked to cheat on her and used her as his punching bag. FIL is not allowed around kids alone. For about 8 years, H and FIL did not talk. H just recently contacted FIL. I don't know if that is good or bad. H always jumped when FIL said to. H, wouldn't even ask how high, just did it.

So, as of tonight/tomorrow I am back to pretending I have this great and wonderful marriage to a great and wonderful man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hi Sue,

Sounds like your back on the roller coaster ride. Sorry things are so frustrating for you especially while your in school. I know you put everything you have to not breakdown because a little slip like that can mess everything up. I'm so glad that making it through school is a major thing for you to be able to provide your children with a comfortable life. I know that that's what gets me up to go to school everyday.

As far as you pretending to have a wonderful marriage to a wonderful man....Hey if that's what it takes to get you through school then what ever floats your boat. It's a good coping strategy as long as it's just temporary. That's the coping strategy I'm using too just not the same situation and it get's me through the day. I even believe it sometimes and actually feel cheerful at times.

You are a stong woman and I admire you. Good luck in school. I'll be checking up on you when I get a chance to. Keep your head up!!!and when you graduate you'll know exactly what to do even if your H doesn't.

Smile...Melinda

You are a strong women but everyone has their breaking point. Try to stay away from those bad thoughts that threaten to overwhelm you sometimes.

I pretend but I don't go way out in left field when I do it. I try to stick with stuff that may be true. I pretend I can handle it when I don't think I can. I pretend tomorrow will be better -and often it is.

Remember the more you know about what is going on, the easier it will be to know what to do about it later. However it also makes it harder to wait.

Still praying for you. Still believe you can make it till school is out. Still think you are smart and will pass when you need to pass. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
SS

Thank you everyone.

You know what they say "knowledge is power". Without knowledge, you cannot make the decisions that are in your own best interest. Each discovery brings either hurt or anger. Each time, I recover quicker.

H is being good to me. Even asked if we should go look at dryers. I said after you are back to work. I dont' want to spend the savings on a dryer when we might need it for food or medical or gas. Spring is almost here, and dryer or no dryer, I hang outside in the spring. I grew up that way and I love crawling into bed with sheets fresh off the line. There is a fresh scent with the sheets.

H has been better since he got home. I was surprised that he was home Saturday night. I'm home sick, and H is cooking dinner. I don't know if I will eat or not. Tummy is a little icky. Last night he told me (or was it this morning) that he needed a babsitter. H wanted to meet his dad. He called his dad and told him that he could not meet him because I was sick. He has never done that before. So either he did not really want to meet his dad and used my illness as an excuse, or he really felt he should stay home. Either way, it is helpful.

He actually told me he missed me. That is not normal for him.

Hang up phone call that came when I should have been at work. I said "hello" a couple of times, caller ID showed "unkown". Heard talking in the background, and it did not sound like telemarketing background noice. You know, you can usually tell telemarketers. "Interesting"

H wants to take me to some dinner in April. I will go, it is at the VFW, some dinner honoring nurses.

No matter what they are able to pull off, you are still his wife. You could reak havoc on their plans if you really wanted to. I know, it requires extra effort, probably not a good idea.

I'm happy to hear he took care of you when you were sick. I'm sure he really cares about you, he's just messed up in the head.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No matter what they are able to pull off, you are still his wife. You could reak havoc on their plans if you really wanted to. I know, it requires extra effort, probably not a good idea </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Done that a few times already. I get some pleasure out of that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I cannot help myself.

I decided that he will not be doing much overnights away from the family in the future.

Like I said, you are the wife. Now tighten those apron strings and start establishing some boundaries. For one, married couples should not be taking so many trips apart. That is insane!

PS - I bet it does feel good... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I intend to tighten those strings.

Once he made the comment that his friends say I have him on a short leash. I'm sure that was said so I would losen up. I told him guys on short leashes don't do anything with their single friends and stay home every night. If he ever accused me of it again, he would see how short that leash can get. I also told him that when a man or woman tells their spouse that they are not welcome to specific events, and it is because it is a "boys night out" when I know perfectly well other wives or gf are there, that means you are hiding something from me. I don't like it.

Besides, he should be telling them that he respects me and will not treat me that way.

I work with a woman, her and her bf have been living together for over 10 years. He has more respect for her in the way he treats her, and the way he talks about her to his friends. They both have weekends away with their activities, but both know they can go along with each other if they want to. He has never had an exclusive "boys only" trip. Even though they have not legally tied the knot, he refers to her as his wife. She says, it is working, why change it.

I found out on our phone that I can block calls. I might have to set it up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just thinking about it gives me pleasure.