Hello

I'm new here I guess - I've been looking over the site the last couple of days trying to find some answers, and figure out what to do next.

I live with my fiance, we've lived together for 4 years, and have been dating for 5. Our plans are/were to get married next year in July - but I guess I can't really say that's gonna keep as of right now.

My fiance came home early from work Monday. He said he didn't feel good - and I wasn't worried by that statement because my nephew who is visiting us for the summer hadn't been feeling well that day either. I tried to fawn over him some, take his temperature, offerh im a drink, etc.

Basically he asked me to leave him alone for awhile while he was working on his computer. Every time I tried to come in to ask him a question he just brushed me off, so I got mad and left for awhile.

When I came home he was in bed asleep, and my nephews were lying down as well. I woke them up and went about my night. While I was fixing dinner I found a typewritten note attached to the stove.

He had stated that that very day he had been unfaithful to me, and that on two prior times he had come close, had fooled around, but had not gone any further than some "feeling up".

We bantered back in forth through a couple of notes on Tuesday - we both decided long ago that we were way better at communicating through writing than in trying to garble it in face to face conversation.

There are parts of me still in shock. I've been through so many ups and downs from depression to anger that my head is woozy from facing another emotion.

I get extremely anxious and have so many impulses when he's in the same room with me. I believe him to be sincere when he says he wants to fix our relationship - as we try to find out where it went wrong - and what came up to this point.

We did have a 4 hour discussion on Tuesday evening, and I have even confronted the other woman - who I find less than sincere in her sorrow for her part in this all.

I do love my fiance. I've had other relationships in the past that mostly amounted to infatuation and ended in heart break. Ending for reasons with far fewer ramifications than the situation I'm facing now.

Knowing what he did, and trying to come to realize that I'm not dreaming it is very hard for me, and I"m lost at this point as to what I should do next.

I am rambling on here, and I have so much more I could say to give a greater detail of the last 3 days of my life, but I fear some of you stopped reading this after the 2nd paragraph insisting I would never shut up - That's just how I am right now - all talk, questions, and curiosity trying to figure out what, why, how, etc.

Any advice would be appreciated, something before my head explodes, prefferably.

Rebby

Welcome Rebby...

There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)

About your post...

It's always a tough call when people who are just engaged...
...and already an infidelity strikes the relationship.

An immediate marriage perparartion is necessary.
Understanding the MB concepts...
...is equally as important...
...since any well designed program...
...in some way encompasses all of the MB concepts... and excludes none of them.

Do learn about Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).

Do go to the welcome page...
...and learn about The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage...

If your fiance thinks this is "bunk"...
...you have your answer...
...and move on quickly...

In any case...
...postpone the wedding...
...until the commitment is solidified.
...until you answer the real hard questions!
Don't wait until to get marriaed to answer the hard questions...
...you have a golden opportunity right now!

Now for the hard one...
...separate!

You're not married yet!

Make the commitment mean something...
...living together cheapens the relationship...
...says it's OK to be partial committed...
...and shows little regard and respect for the person...

A true committed marriage... demands respect!
Respect each other before the marriage...
...means a greater chance to respect each other during the tough times of a marriage.

Take this under serious consideration.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim / NSR

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: NSR ]</small>