I have been married for almost 19 years and 3 years ago I found out that my husband had had 3 affairs. The last one was the worst, he was ready to leave because he thought this women was the end all say all in his life. He did end up supposedly re-commiting to the marriage and we have or should I say "I" have been trying to work on this marriage, I guess he feels that just because he came back to the marriage thats enough. I have caught him in so many lies about the affair, he will say "I swear to God I didn't talk to her or see her after I recommitted" and then I find out that he lied.
My biggest problem now is that I don't trust him, he is a internet/computer junkie and recently I have found all these porn sites that he goes to and he even down loads porn on to disks. Everything that he has is pass code protectd and when I confront him with it, he tells me that will never change. I have told him how hurtful the porn is to our relationship and he just makes up excuses like it's nothing. I am on the brink of a complete break down, I am severely depressed and I have made him go to a marriage counselor and that was a complete farce on his part, he didn't feel that we even needed to go. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel that he has substituded his affairs for internet porn and who knows what else, I can't get into his computer to even find out if he's having affairs over the internet or if he's hooked up to online dating. I suspect at one time he was. I'm lost and don't know what to do, I do know that I can't go on like this. I'm 54 and don't know at this stage if I can start my life all over again. If someone has some answers that could help me, I would so appreciate it.

Hi SOH,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much right now.

I know that this is very hard to understand and I hope that you don't take this as being mean spirited, but YOU can't make your H change or do anything that he doesn't want to do.

The only thing that you can control is yourself and your actions.

Read all of the articles here at MB and get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... You CAN get through this.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thank you for your quick response, I have felt so lost and desperate for some answers. Today I found MB and have read so many of the warm responses that I felt someone somewhere could offer me some advice. We recently moved to a new state and I don't know anyone here, my husband has established friendships at work so he's of no support to me. All he ever say's is "If I didn't love you and want to be in this marriage I wouldn't of stayed" I guess he feels that just staying in the marriage is good enough. All I feel each day is desperation, I just can't trust anything about him and without trust and absolutely faith, what do you have? Thanks again for your input, I do realize that I can't change him, I would just like to be able to trust again

SHO,

You might want to get your H a copy of "Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time" by Stephen Arterburn....