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Joined: Nov 2002
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I have suspected that my husband was having an affair for several months, but did not search for evidence. Instead, tried desperately to engage him in discussions about our relationship, our marriage, to no avail. Every conversation consisted of me talking about our problems and begging for his participation in finding a solution followed by his saying the conversation was "giving him a headache" followed by him leaving the house (even at midnight).
Finally, after weeks of nothing, he agreed to talk and started the conversation by saying that the one thing he HATES is that he feels that I don't trust him, that he would never cheat on me, he loves me, would never do anything to hurt me, it has never crossed his mind for a second that our marriage would ever end, he can't believe I would think that of him (I've never accused him of anything).
This conversation was followed by no change in behavior (ie, still out very late with no explanation most nights of the week). Finally I said "do you love me, I need to know where I stand - do you think this marriage is worth saving." Again, his response was incredulity. "I can't believe you are asking me this. Of course I love you, you are my life, etc." Nice but I don't believe him.
Only AFTER this did I look for evidence of an A. I looked at his cell phone records and see that he calls the OW (easy to identify) several times a day, starting at 6:30am (the second he leaves the house for work). Several calls were made right after he finished his men's bible study meeting (ironic, huh??) - nights when he got home at 2am or 3am - many hours after bible study ended. Other calls to her occured right after he walked out on conversations with me.
The bottom line is this: I am 6 months pregnant and have an 18 month old child. I do not know how I can manage without him. Also, despite this betrayal, I would do anything to save our marriage. But what can I do single-handedly? Do I confront him with the evidence and demand an explanation? How would that help?

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I think that you should confront him. If you don't, but instead you continue to prod and poke, he'll just figure out how to give you what you're looking for, but he'll never admit to it. You'll think that by the way he's acting that he must have ended it on his own and came to his senses. That won't be true. He'll find a way to love both of you. If that happens then you'll find yourself in the "it gets better before it gets worse" scenario.

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It's a sad fact, but without confronting and with some hard copy proof, the spouse will almost always deny, deny, deny. And even with proof, they try to. I informed my H that I'd read his emails/with replies in some cases...and he still tried the.."we're just friends", "it's a little out of hand, but nothing", "there was no sex", etc. Had to remind him what he had saved, told him I had copies if he needed to refresh his memory...finally he confessed.

Now, you don't have to confront. If you're strong enough and couragous enough to withstand the time while he's having an on-going affair, most affairs don't last at long...BUT...some do. And those who see the "light of day" tend to end sooner. Personally, I don't share well, and there wasn't any way on God's green earth I could NOT have confronted.

But, you must do what you feel is right for you. Stats say that most marriages don't end because of an affair. Most WS will end the affair with or without confrontation, and even with confrontation, most do not end them immediately. (The withdrawal you can read about here on site.) Some marriages may well overcome the infidelity, but can not survive the hard work of rebuilding. Many marriages become much stronger after an affair. No, the affair didn't make the marriage better, but the work of rebuilding can make a vast improvement.

Read what this site has to offer. There is a lot of information. Take what you feel might work for you in your situation.

Good Luck and keep us updated.

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Pearl, I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been in a similiar situation, and like wifey, I don't share well either.

Like you, no matter what I was willing to save my marriage. It upsets me that he's putting you through this because you are pregnant. How thoughtless!

Anyway, be prepared for him to deny it even when you show him proof. He will probably say they are just good friends or something. Don't buy into it.

For me,I found tremedous relief in confronting my h. It was finally all outin th epen then. Didn't mean my life got easier, but at least i knew i wasn't going crazy.

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Thank you for the advice. I am still considering what to do. I know this sounds incredibly naive, and stupid, but the truth is, this is my H's 4th A (that I know of) since we got married 8 years ago. All 3 of the others were very short-lived, just a couple of months or less and all 3 times I confronted him, but no matter how much evidence I had, he never admitted it. Never. I hate to admit this because then you will think that I am truly an idiot, but twice (A#1 and A#2) the OW called me to tell me about the A and both times (after confrontation) he claimed that the OW were mentally unstable and made the false accusations to get even with him for some reason not connected to a romantic affair (e.g., he turned down their advances or some such). In the end, even though deep down I knew he was lying, I didn't really want to know the truth so I never pushed it. Also, I'm as sure as I can be that the A's ended by the time I confronted him.

I suspect that even what seems like airtight evidence to me now will only evoke more denials and phony outrage that I would make such accusations. No confrontation will end in an apology - it will end in him accusing me of not trusting him and thereby violating our marriage. I don't think he wants to end the marriage now because of the baby on the way, and I suspect the A will end, although obviously I have no way of knowing that.

Of course I also know that this same thing will happen again and again throughout our marriage if I continue to take it. I have thought alot about ending the marriage, and I honestly think that if I were not pregnant I would. I can raise my son on my own (I do already). But I have no family near and I can't imagine how I would handle a 2 year old and a newborn alone. Maybe in a year or two when I have children who can take care of some of their own needs it won't seem so impossible to go it alone.

Meanwhile, I have a question. Both of the OW who called me on the phone told me the elaborate lies my H had concocted about his life - he never told either of them he was married or even involved with anyone else. One surprised him by showing up at our house one day (found our address in the phone book) and was shocked to see me and he told HER that I was just a friend. The other went through his wallet, found my name and put 2 and 2 together. I found out about the 3rd OW after the A had ended and I suspect that she, too, knew nothing about me.

I know the name, address, phone number and email address of the current OW, even though we've never met. My question is, is it ever okay for me to contact her? Is there ever any reason to do so? I think now that A#1 and A#2 both ended because the OW found out about me and they ended it. If my goal is the purely pragmatic one - how can I keep my H here for the next year until I'm capable of raising my kids on my own, can I contact her and tell her that my H is married? Of course it is tempting to contact her and tell her something terrible such as that my husband has an STD, just out of spite, but I'm not considering that. I just want to ask, does she know he's married?

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quote:
Originally posted by pearl:
I have suspected that my husband was having an affair for several months, but did not search for evidence. Instead, tried desperately to engage him in discussions about our relationship, our marriage, to no avail.

I think confront him right this second before he leaves the house anywhere. You think your having problems just suspecting him cheating, just wait until you find out. By waiting even one day means you might have to think about another time he was with her. Every added day or detail seems meaningless now but wait until you find out it may be true. One minute can mean months of added bad thoughts, take my advice if i knew about what was going on with my wife before the physical sexual cheating i would feel 100% different then I do, you have no idea how bad its going to get. Contact even the OW and save you and her tons of pain, its all gona crash down anyways if your right.

Im almost 3 months into finding out about my wifes affair and it still feels as crappy as it did 2 months ago. Your are important too and your feelings are just as important and his.

Woops, i didnt read your last post. He cheated on you 3 times already? and your still with him?
Why you still with him then?

[ November 14, 2002, 08:07 PM: Message edited by: Bog ]

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Oh goodness, but your H sounds so much like my first H. Although, at the time I didn't know about his affairs, only discovered them after I found out about the last one he was able to have on me, as I left.

It's not likely that he's going to change. If he's at all like most serial betrayers, he'll continue in that life style no matter who he happens to be married to. It's something that's missing in him...has nothing to do with you at all, except tearing your life apart.

IF you've got the strength and courage to stay married and with him until you feel more capable of standing on your own, that is completely up to you. We all make decisions, which from the outside looking in, someone else may find strange...do not let that bother you at all. You are the only one you should listen to...if it's best for you and your children, then you do what you feel you must.

HOWEVER...while being a single mom is no cake-walk, you might be surprised. When I left my first H, I had two beautiful little ones, no job, no money, no higher education, no place to live, no car....and I still left. I was lucky to have a very supportive mom who allowed me to spend two weeks (all she was allowed where she lived). I applied for everything I could from social services. I got housing, food stamps, public assistance, and job training. It took me a few months to get on my feet...but what freedom! I no longer had H dragging me down, I actually ended up having more money under my control. I did have a wonderful attorney and I listened and did exactly what he told me to do. I started school, had my children in school/daycare...and stood on my own two feet...I loved it. It wasn't easy...but I was so proud of myself and my girls. And that is a great feeling.

You have no idea the depths of despair we are living until we no longer are in the situation. While in a marriage/relationship where betraying is on-going, it takes our power, our hope, our energy away. It drains it out a little each day until we can't see how to reclaim our power and make healthy decisions for ourselves and our children. So beware.

Good Luck on whatever decision you make.

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Pearl,

I feel for you. I agree with those who have told you to confront him. However, wifey is right - without the hard evidence, he will just deny it. I had the evidence I needed in the form of emails and I chose to confront without them and my W denied it and went on the attack over the next few days, making me feel guilty for asking. I finally confronted with the evidence and got the confession I needed. That was almost 5 weeks ago and we are still together, 3 steps forward, 2 back, but still moving.

In addition to evidence, however, you should consider how you will respond under various scenarios. It may help to imagine the best and worst outcomes after a confrontation from your perspective and how you might feel about each. That helped me not to be blindsided by my W's confession, which contained far more damaging information than I even had evidence for or suspicions of.

My thoughts go with you.


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