GOT HOME TODAY AND THERE'S A COURT ORDER FOR A PATERNITY SUIT FROM GIRL. help!!!!!!!!!!! hAVEN'T TALKED TO h YET...GUESS I DON'T NEED TO FOLLOW HIM. WHAT DO I DO? SAY? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angelia:
<strong>GOT HOME TODAY AND THERE'S A COURT ORDER FOR A PATERNITY SUIT FROM GIRL. help!!!!!!!!!!! hAVEN'T TALKED TO h YET...GUESS I DON'T NEED TO FOLLOW HIM. WHAT DO I DO? SAY? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">{{{{{(((((Angelia)))))}}}}}. Don't say anything to H, let him do the talking. Meanwhile read up on section on Q&A w/ OC, how to deal with it. Sit back and take a deep breath and think hard if you could go through with this. I suggest you read up on "how A should ends". Basically you have to be honest with yourself on what ammends that would satisfy you. Don't start with if WH would do it, WH lost his right !. Start with if WH could do it. As I told you A will show up and this time in the big way.

How are you ?. I would call my doctor and tell him/her that you need med. Tell him/her that you are going though infedelity.

As about lawsuit, if OW is a ho, the OC might not be his. Cross your finger that OW is not underage, DA could take WH in jail regardeless the suit.

Keep us updated. -rh-

angelia...We're here for you! Don't know whatelse to say at the moment, as I don't know anything more then you posted.

Guess you and H have had "THAT" talk, what did he say?

At this point...Does he want to continue in the marriage? Do you want to? Of course, no matter what either of you think you want right now, it could change in a few days, so take your time to decide what you do want...You do NOT have to make a firm decision right now.

The one area of this site I haven't read up on is the OC support/advice...neither myself or xOW could have any more children. But, I'm willing to bet that it's got a lot of information that could be of use to you.

HUGS!

he said....we were having problems a couple of years ago and met OW, she made him feel good, slept with her,ended it after a while (not sure - didn't ask), got phone call that she was 5 mos. preg. said, not his, not interested in relationship with her. child born, she calls him again (she is apparently married and Her H's name is on birth certificate). anyway, he gets cell phone so she won't contact our Home or his work. she says it's his and she will tell me unless hepays. he starts to pay her - buthas no other contact. he stops paying her almost a year ago b/c doesn't think it's his. she files for paternity ttest through state although herH will remain legal? don't understand.

He took full responsibility - came clean with years of lies, and more. doesn't love her hasn't had contact with her except to give her $ and now only contact b/c of suit. spent years trying to save his own [censored] and our marriage from her b/c he realizes he made mistake.

he sounded like a man who was broken and meant every word. Answered every question I had - didn't hold back- said he will do whatever I wish b/c he screwed up and knows it and knew itwhen he had A.

Yes, I am crossing fingers that c is not his.

says he loves me is willing to do whatever, whatever we need. says he hasn't cheated since with her or anyone else. most of the time he was late was b/c he was at a bar thinking of his mistake and what it would do to us.

now what? I feel really numb - cried all night (is that ppossible). am definitely calling dr on monday because i feel like a lump. i hurt all over. He apologized I can't count how many times. said he loves me and knew when he was in A that it was wrong. his responses all last night seemed to fit perfectly all the late times, the cell phone bill, etc. Right now, I dont know at all where to go or what to do...just taking today for today

thanks for all your help and love! i appreciate your thoughts!

angelia,

It is good that your H show remorse. It is good also that you still seem want this M to work out. Now it is the time to really deploy "how A should ends, follow it to the dotted line. If you are not comfortable, please call MB and let them help you out. The road to recovery is very hard and long. The most important is that your H has to work on M. Let him read the MB basic concept and let him post too if he has any questions. Both of you should read 4 rules of recovery, POJA. At this point both of you have to work on plan A and fillin LB$ as much as you can.

About OC, your H attitude is good. He should employed NC at all w/ OW & OC. He made mistake, he should bear responsibilty financially (i.e child support) only. Help him up to get a lawyer, he needs one.

Both of you might need medication if he shows some distress.

Hang in there, you are not alone.

-rh-

Redhat....I cannot thank you enough for your words. Right now I hurt - I really expected the opposite of what he said - Ithought he'd blame me but he is so remorseful and really blames himself. I hate the fact that our family might suffer financially due to his mistake but he seems to be ready to work extra hours and not take away "any more" (his words) from our family than has already been taken away.
We've been talking on and off today - he insists he has not had any contact with this woman except when she filed this suit. He insists that he loves me and wants more than anything for us to stay together.
We do not have any children together although each have a child that lives in our home so we have quite the blended family. my daughter has only known him for 10 years as her father (although not biological). She was very small when he and I met. His son also lives with us and has for a couple of years.
I offered that if he loved this woman that he should be with her (maybe stupid) but I needed to know where his heart was.
I am printing as I write the policies on this site. He's not much into self-help or counseling but definitely has offered today at least to do whatever it takes.
I have a question about the affair ending...I reread Harley's description and it seems to me that it has ended like it was supposed to - on its own without my interference (especially since I didn't know) and the only thing that seems like might happen is that in the next couple of months due to paternity suit he will have to have some contact with her.
We have discussed at length the possible oc and he does nto want anything to do with c. He is prepared to be financially responsible but apparently already told OW that he does not want to be in c's life. I don't think I could handle that but we'll have to work on that.
Thanks again for the help - God, I can't or wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.
Redhat....I'm reading the 4 rules for recovery - do we act like we always have - eat dinner together/shop together, etc? I'm feelinga bit angry today and really don't care about spending too much time with H - need a bit of breathing space. He's had years to deal with this - I learned only last night. breathe, breathe!! look forward to your response and wonderful insight.

Angela
Did you say OW H name is on the birth cirtificate
If so your H can 't be force to pay anything
Another thing have a DNA if it comes to that.
Go to forum pregnany/child, there are some people that can give you some insite there.

i think that is what the suit is all about....establishing his paternity. Yes, ow's husband's name is on certificate. does that vary or if my h is father then would certificate be changed?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angelia:
<strong>i think that is what the suit is all about....establishing his paternity. Yes, ow's husband's name is on certificate. does that vary or if my h is father then would certificate be changed?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Birth certificate is just a piece of paper where they took whatever you say who the father is. So the court will go with DNA test result. They could choose to leave the OWH's name on it even if your H is the father. Your H still have to pay child support.

Angelia, please focus on what is improtant here. The most important here is fixing your M regardless of the paternity suit. Give WH the list of ammends that you want and sit down and work from there.

-rh-

actually, i think i'll have to disagree with redhat here. i'm pretty sure, although you'll have to check it out, that any child born during a marriage is considered the husband's regardless of actual paternity. remember the case of the guy who guy who got his married lover pregnant and lost all rights even though dna proved he was the father? i'm not sure that has been changed yet. so check into it...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kristawny:
<strong>actually, i think i'll have to disagree with redhat here. i'm pretty sure, although you'll have to check it out, that any child born during a marriage is considered the husband's regardless of actual paternity. remember the case of the guy who guy who got his married lover pregnant and lost all rights even though dna proved he was the father? i'm not sure that has been changed yet. so check into it...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ... we are not talking about WH's right in here WH doesn't want nothing to do with it. OW is the one seeking child support beside WH has been paying her so far ... In any case I told Angelia to get a lawyer asap. Again the legal issue is not the main problem, fixing M is the numero uno.

-rh-

I am definitely worried about this paternity thing because I do not want this to follow me (selfish) for the next 16-18 years.

How do you forgive? how do youlet go of the images in your head? where do you begin? we are still living togther (I guess that's good after three days). I don't hate him - am glad that she's not still in his life as lover. glad he ended it on his own.

Now, for plan.....he has agreed to all my amendments - where are you? no lying, etc. but....maybe this is all too fresh - I am feeling really betrayed and feel like punishing him. maybe that's a natural feeling? anyone have thoughts or suggestions? thanks!!!

angelia..all the conflicting emotions you are going through are normal. While it's true that you don't have the added sorrow of discovering an on-going affair, you've still just found out that you were betrayed those years before. And as strange as it may seem...for your H the affair has been dead a long time...for you it only came to life. Your discovery has blown life into the ashes and it's going to take a bit before you'll be ready to let it die a second death.

Forgiveness comes when it comes..don't wait for it. Work on making your marriage more communicative and open and honest. It sounds as if your H accepts total responsiblity for his past actions and is willing to do whatever is needed for you to heal. That's the first step. There are many more that the two of you will take on your healing path. Keep your focus on your marriage and the goal that both of you have to making it the best marriage that you can.

Deal with this legal issue as a united front. Whatever happens, the two of you together can overcome.

There are steps of reconciliation, confessions with radical honesty, asking for forgiveness, making amends and then working on it (M). Your worry about OC is undestandable however your H did the right thing. NC with OW & OC but financial support under the guidance of the law. It won't follow you for 16-18 years emotionally, with NC it will weither down. Out of sight out of mind. My dad had an OC and he did the same thing (NC), my family never knew/met OC ... mom & dad kept M together. Only time heal this pain be patience. About the amends, H has to earn his place in his family and you need to make sure to help him stay that way ... it is accountability.

Hang in there, the storm has passed and now it is the time to clean up the mess.

-rh-

Check the laws in your state. In many states, the husband is the father and DNA has no effect on it whatsoever.

I have seen cases where the biological father has sued for rights and lost. He has no rights because the laws states that the child belongs to the husband.

There are cases in MANY states where a man has proven that he is not the biological father and still has to pay child support because of this law. In fact, the last one that made much news (and I don't remember the state) was where a man had paid child support on 4 kids for years. One developed a medical problem and it was discovered that none or just one was his. He still could not get out of child support.

Check the law. If she was in fact married when the child was born, this may be about nothing but causing problems in your marriage because establishing paternity wouldn't mean anything.