I absolutely agree that all giving and no taking isn't going to work. We will get burned out. I am quite vocal about the affair and that it wasn't the way to deal with his problems.

I still, upon occassion will bring up our situation and where we are going, but I no longer dwell on it. If it starts going in a negative direction, I drop the subject. I found that the more I took care of myself and grew stronger from this the more receptive he was to me. The more I acted like a basketcase he would back off. I was on the verge of depression myself. I have three kids and I just couldn't take care of them and worry about what he was doing all the time. I had to snap out of it. I would also go nuts if I thought he was with her. I would find any excuse to call him on his cell phone just to ask a question. I figured it was my way of barging in on them, for whatever it was worth. Also, if I thought he was lying to me (because if it's all in the open now there would be no reason to keep lying) I would call him on it. He knows that he can't hide it from me any longer. I try my best to keep things as real as possible in light of the A.

I also have a hard time with the fact that sometimes I feel like we are in this fake relationship. I have issues with Thanksgiving also. Since his family knows and he is still living at home with me, they think we are working on things. Sometimes I tell him I might not go over on Thanksgiving because I am tired of pretending and bascially lying to his family. I see that he gets hurt by this so I don't push the subject. It's too easy sometimes to just go with the flow, you can get lost in it.

I don't follow the whole Plan A thing to a letter. I think that if you follow it too closely you run a risk of losing yourself. Since I only found this site last week and have been going through this much longer I guess I created my own version.

LBH - I give you a huge amount of credit. There is no way I could keep quite in front of her, friend or no friend. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. As for OW BF, I say there is nothing wrong with an anaymous letter being sent. It was how I was able to confirm everything. And if you are confronted about sending it - just deny it. You wouldn't be doing anything wrong in my book. He deserves to know. I wish I could thank the person who sent me my letter. As for the OW, she would definately have to know the damage she had caused. I would have to say something to her, whether it verbal or written. Once I contact my OW is put a crack in their perfect little world and they could no longer hide. Call it a bit vindictive, but for me it was a form of therapy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This whole this can be so consuming. I went back to work just to keep my mind occupied. I found that it helped. No one here knows what's going on so I can get away from it for a little while.

Boy I can sure talk. I just wish it was about something happy!

cbh--

Talk all you want, that's what we're here for!

I am really back and forth about the whole issue with letting OW and her bf in on everything. it's not fair that he doesn't know. i just don't want to do anything that will cause yet another problem between me and H, and even with an anonymous letter i would still know that i did it, and would end up having to lie about it--that is something i don't want to do. i think the next time H brings up the subject i will talk to him about letting her know that i know and that her bf needs to know. i plan to say it in a manner that doesn't come off as threatening, but still stress the importance of things being out in the open.

lbh -

I understand your delimma. I felt the same way when I first found out. I didn't want to do anything to drive them closer. I kept the whole thing a secret from everyone for at least a month. I couldn't take it anymore. I broke and told his family with whom I am close to. It broke their hearts. I kept it a secret because I thought it would make him angry for me to tell everyone our business. But he really didn't get angry, he was annoyed at first because everyone got on his case for what he was doing. That's when he would say he wanted to try, but I knew it was just to get everyone off his back. That's when I got frustrated about OW being on the outside and that being with her was still the break from reality that he was looking for. I just could stay quite anymore. When I contacted her I was in a place where it was more important to me to get my side of the situation out. It was almost theraputic for me to contact her, I guess it was empowering (if only in my mind). He was annoyed with me for doing it at first and told me not to contact her anymore, but that made me angry because I thought he was protecting her from all of this. Well, she might not have know we were still married at the beginning and I will cut her slack for that, but as soon as she found out we were always together she should have ended it. So, I didn't feel that she should be treated an the innocent one anymore. Now, if I contact her for any reason he doesn't say anything anymore. I tell him after I do it sometimes. I guess he is giving up because there isn't much in the way of a relationship with her anymore. Guess paradise is gone!

Basically, you just have to do what you feel is right for you. If you are not comfortable then it isn't worth doing. No one can understand your situation exactly because although they all sound similar, they are all different. We are living day by day now, no more planning for a while. Each day brings a new situation and we have to figure a way to get through it. It sounds a little depressing, but the positive of it is that you enjoy the little things more. Things you took for granted you now appreciate. And you no longer stress the little things that annoyed you or made you upset - you'll learn that it's just not worth it. The way I tried to get control of things is when something happened (good or bad) I chose how I would react. No one can take that from you.

OK, I am off my soap box now. I can start to vent in a heartbeat these days! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hate living day by day--if i wanted to do that i wouldn't have gotten married!

ok now that that is out--i hope he brings the subject up tonight bc i do want everything out in the open. i think that H is half out of the fantasy world, OW needs to be too--wonder how much she'll conme around then??

anyway--have been really angry today, think i'm calming down now. getting all set for another wonderful evening of plan A. Oh joy. I really do think it helps, just can't do it every minute of every day. have to deal with a little reality sometimes. think i have been doing really well with not acting needy or clingy and not bringing up the subject. if he wants affection, he can come get it. if he wants to talk about the situation, he can start he conversation. actually shocked me that he did last night--figured if i left him alone it would never be brought up. i guess he can still surprise me (in a good way that is--have had enough bad surprises lately that's for sure).

I do appreciate the little things more now. Am just trying not to feel like an old starved dog wating for crumbs when it comes to affection tho. i know he has noticed changes in me already--he asked me the first day of plan A why i was being so lovey dovey--i told him i was just doing things i should have done a long time ago. i think he's waiting to see if it is only temporary.

but anyway you hang in there--hopefully things will get better for all of us.

I can id with everything you said. I am curious about confronting the ow. She actually call me (at work- ruined my day/week) not that I didn't know about the affair but it made it and her real. She said she called because I deserved to know the truth (whatever. I can't figure out her true motives - can't believe she gives a flip about my feelings). I would like to make her suffer but would rather she just go away. Unfortunately she works with H. He says he avoids her. I can't believe she'd give up on him that easily. It tortures me to think of them in that office building together every day!
Also sympathize with telling family. It's so hard to keep up the facade- especially with holidays looming.
Stats: married 10, together 11, 1 child

Hi cwfi--

I'm sorry to hear that your going thru similar mess. I seriously doubt that she told you for your own good. IMHO, she was/is probably trying to push your H into something more than an affair. She probably thought that when she told you, you would immediately end the marriage. I haven't been here long but from what I understand that is a major LB. I think you can take comfort in the fact that he is still there, and if you're anything like me any kind of comfort in this situation helps.

I'd like to hear more about your situation. Lately I've been here every day from about 6am to about 12 or 1 or 2pm (EST). Right now this site is what's keeping me sane.

I know it's hard with them being coworkers. I don't know how that's going to work if our Hs ever do decide to end the affair. I'm all for no contact, but I also feel that's easier said than done. Guess we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Good luck to you, hang in there, and anytime you need to talk or vent go ahead. I haven't been going through this long so I don't know how much advice I can offer, i can only passs on the advice that's been offered to me (which is all farther up in this thread), but if venting is what you need, go for it--can't believe how much of that i am doing myself these days.

Take care and hang in there.

just a little update--a glimmer of hope?

Yesterday when he go home from work, he told me that i looked nice (have been making an effort not to look like a bum--putting decent clothes and makeup on and doing my hair before he gets home). He brought up OW (her bf takes her back and forth to work and usually brings H home in afternoons). He said he didn't think he was going to be messing with her anymore (we still try to talk as friends). I think he may be opening his eyes where she is concerned--he/we are around OW and her boyfriend a lot (too much) and he sees how she is with bf. He said that she is very jealous (i already knew that and think i may have mentioned that to him before plan A started but he was defending her then) and if she is that jealous with bf, she would be like that with him too. I basically kept my mouth shut, just agreed with him. I know how he feels about jealousy, he sees it the same way i do--as a sign of distrust. Not to say that any jealousy at all is bad, only when it reaches a certain point. Anyway we were just siting and talking and watching tv last night when the phone rang and first thing he said was "it's probably damn [OW]". he barely talked to her (i was still sitting right beside him and he didn't go anywhere) and rushed to get off the phone. All evening he was affectionate and i knew what he was planning for last night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . He lit candles in the bedroom before i got in there and to make a long x-rated story short--it was fantastic. Our sex life has been better since this whole mess started (have read a other posts where BSs say the same thing--glad to know it's not just me). I have several theories for that but this post is getting longer than i expected (as usual). Anyway, am not sure whether I should take this as a sign of hope, but that's the way it feels. It feels really good, as just yesterday I felt the hope getting a little low.

btw good morning to all--i hope everyone is well and that today will be a good day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi
Glad you are feeling good today. Hope is good - it is what keeps us going - but you still need to protect yourself for your own sanity. It does sound like this is a really positive step, but remember, it one step at a time. Keep plan Aing.

Let me know how it goes. All the best
HJ

Good morning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Gotta love a good day.

I hope it stays that way!

Cheers

Tim
farglorn00@hotmail.com

thanks y'all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hi again JH. didn't mean to sound unrealistic--am just enjoying having something positive to think about after feeling so bad. Am still plan Aing for all i'm worth--it's much easier when you get a little appreciation for it! Makes me think that i am doing the right thing, and that there is still hope.

take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

thanks y'all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hi again JH. didn't mean to sound unrealistic--am just enjoying having something positive to think about after feeling so bad. Am still plan Aing for all i'm worth--it's much easier when you get a little appreciation for it! Makes me think that i am doing the right thing, and that there is still hope.

take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi LBH -

That's wonderful - always have to find the positive in everything you can these days. Especially since you were having a bad day before you got home. It's things like this that make it easier to Plan A, you realize it is not all for nothing. The ultimate goal is to make him realize he could have everything he wants right a home with you. It's still going to take time, but at least it was a step in the right direction!

Hope you have many more happy days to come!!!!

hey just thought of something i should have already asked someone--
what is the best tactic to use when he brings up the subject and tells me he doesn't know what to do? he told me once he feels like i am brainwashing him to stay married and work things out so i don't want him to feel like i'm pressuring him anymore--i have let him know about this site and that i've seen a few posts from WSs and maybe that would help him--i'm not going to push it on him tho. i honestly don't know what he wants me to say or how i can help him while he is struggling with this confusion. Other people he has turned to for advice have told him to do what makes him happy, but that hasn't really helped as he says he doesn't know what will make him happy. I feel frustrated when he comes to me about this and I don't know how to help him--it is ultimately his decision and i appreciate him opening up to me, I'm just not sure what to say that will make him feel better other than i understand he is confused and that it is a hard decision to make. Any suggestions anyone?

guys-i tried posting this last night. for some reason it did not go through.

plan a is not about convincing the wandering spouse to stay, nor is it about getting them to end the affair. the affair is going to die its own death. its about you being the best you. its not about pretending, its about changing. our spouse's all made the choice to have an affair, that's all on them. But what was your role, if any, in making your marriage suceptable to an affair. in my case i became emotionally unavailable to him. i cut him off. sex was non exhistant. we cohabitated. this all happened in reaction to his working to much and ignoring us.
in any event, have you thought about your responsibility?

i'll post more later.

thanks, lbh
Things are getting better the further away from dday I get. It's weird. Sometimes I can even forget I know about A, and we're just living our usual dysfunctional lives.
I'm new, I'd better go read up on plan A and possibly figure out how I contributed to the problem. Hard to even think I might have had anything to do with H having A, but nothing happens in a vacuum.
I am so appreciative of your support and for this web site. What a blessing it has been!

canwefixit-i didn't say that you contributed to the affair-that is a choice they make al on their own. i asked if you contributed to the deterioration of your marriage, it usually takes two. in very few cases is it totally one sided.

Hey Nikko--good to hear from u again.
I have thought very much about what led to the condtitions that caused the affair, and I will admit there were problems on my end as well as his However, I refuse to take the blame for him going out and having an affair as opposed to talking to me about our problems. That to me would be like saying it was ok for him to have an affair bc things were not perfect at home. From all the talking H and I have done, from what I can tell, the problems we had mainly stemmed from me doing things (that I now know were LBs) that I didn't even realize I was doing, and him not saying a word to me about it. And the 2 biggest problems (IMHO) were our tendency to fight LBing with more LBing and lack of communication. I know that I did some things wrong, and I am working on changing them, but there still is no excuse for an affair.
Oh we are working on the communication thing also--I think he realized that even tho he doesn't want to hurt me, it hurts me (and him) a lot less to talk when problems are just starting than when they've been going on and been bottled up and festering for months.
I hope things are going well with you, and please don't take any difference of opinion or misunderstanding on my part as anger or arguing--y'all (the people on this site) are the only ones I can talk and vent to, and if I ever get carried away, I apologize. Have a good day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey cwfi--
Thank you and glad to hear that things are sounding positive for you. Definitely do all the reading you can, it really does help. Hope you have a good day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ok here's the daily update in the ongoing saga/soap opera of my life---
Things were pretty good last night--I could tell he was doing some serious thinking but he didn't telk about it much. We fell asleep watching a movie. Anyway may have LBed just a little this morning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> (me not him). However, I did apologized and let him know my feelings--that the anger is creeping in about the whole situation. And then he surprised me again-- HE APOLOGIZED. He said nothing else is going to go on between him and her (will believe that one when I see it) and he asked if he could give me a hug (don't know why he asked that--we have sex almost every day--why would he have to ask for a hug?!) and of course I said yes and got a little emotional but not bad--he did too. Oh yeah while I'm thinking about it I night have LBed a little last night too--nothing really big, just a couple of indirect comments to keep the idea in his head that I don't HAVE to stick around and put up with this. Definitely not in those terms tho, way more subtle. I also old him that if he is not going to go to my family's for thanksgiving then i may just go and stay for a few days since with him not there I wouldn't have to rush home bc of his work. Told him it would give us both some alone time to think about the situation. Well he didn't like that idea at all. He told me he wanted me home. I didn't mean it as a threat or to hurt him, but I think it did hurt him to think about me being gone from him for a few days by my choice. I think he was thinking about that ALOT last night--maybe thinking about whether affair is worth all the trouble it's causing which would explain the apolgy and all this morning. Am just speculating, not getting hopes up too much at this point but not about to give up either!

Hope everyone is having a good morning (or afternoon, don't know where y'all are from) and like I've said before, all comments and/or advice are welcome. I also want to say thank you to everyone that's been putting up with my venting and offering advice and encouragement. I just dont know where I would be without y'all and this site! A million thanks and hugs to everybody! (((((((((y'all))))))))

First of all good morning.