I found out 8 weeks ago that my H was having an affair with my best friend. It started the day before I can back from holiday with another friend. The affair lasted for 2 months before my former friend told my H to tell me for my own sake!
My H moved in with her for a week. I was mess and couldn't work. He moved back in the following week. I went back to work but had to travel abroad. While I was at work, the OW was in constant contact with him - phone, text, person. When I came back from abroad, he told me he was trying again with her. I cut off contact with him. After a week, he was texting me to meet to discuss things. I negotiated a good time fo him to come round and invited him for dinner and we became intimate. He left at the end of the evening but was contacting me immediatly to come back, saying he was 100% committed this time. I believed him and this time we lasted 4 weeks. He would not cut off contact with her - mainly texts and phone - and he has now told me that he is seeing her for dinner tonight and wants to get back with her - can't live without her.

I am distrought. I do not want to loose him. We have been together 14 years (married 8) and have been mostly very happy and close. My H bought his own business (a shop) almost a year ago and we live above it. This has meant that we have not had the time together we needed - he has been worried about the business and doesn't know what he wants with his life and I have been caught with financial worries as well as worries regarding the security of my own career.
My ex friend knew about my worries and has manipulated things I told her and lied about them to my H. He can't see her manipulation and says she makes him feel loved and respected which I haven't. My ex friend has a 31/2 year old son by a former affair (which lasted 5 years but was unknown by the wife). All other relationships have been intense but brief (longest 9 months). All have resulted in the man moving in with her immediatly. My H thinks she has changed and matured. I am not convinced. He also thinks it is all his fault and that she is the injured party - she tried to stop it (even though she was constantly round my house every weekend all weekend when the affair was on.

Any advice is most appreciated. Sorry this is so long.

Some good reasons for your H not to pursue this relationship with OW. She sounds like a horror show. But remember, you need to show YOUR best side to your H. Focus on yourself, get strong. You can't control him, and he needs to see this stuff about OW for himself.

I'm wishing the best for you, hope your H comes to his senses soon.

HJ

(((((((HUG))))))))

I am so sorry your WH(wayward husband) and your ex-BF(best friend) did and are continuing this cruel and selfish act of betrayal. Your feelings of sadness, anger, hopelesness are perfectly natural and we FBS(former betrayed spouses) have all gone thru them. We are all here for you and you can count on us to try to help you with any little bit of learned wisdom.

Start by reading through the Basic Concepts section of this site from beginning to end. Then buy and read "Surviving an Affair", available through the Bookstore on this site. The path to recovery from an affair is narrow, and you are not on it yet. Read up on Plan A and Plan B on this site. Read all of the Q&A section about infidelity and recovery. You might want to start with Restoring the Marital Relationship

<small>[ November 19, 2002, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

I also was betrayed by the person I thought was my best friend. 6 mos after I was her matron of honor, she had sex with my H. And came into my house to be with him when I was gone. This included IN MY BED. It devastated me. It happened 7 years ago, I just found out the truth last summer. It is so hard to get over a double betrayal by 2 people you love.

I wish I could help you. This is what worked for us:

counseling, both individual and marriage
lots of prayer
a 9 mo separation
lots of reading-especially the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com and Torn Asunder
TIME (this is the hardest)

My friend was also our neighbor, my H's employee and married to H's best friend. I still can't believe the whole mess. She has since divorced him (#2) and moved far away. I guess there really are miracles!

I long to hear an apology or admission of guilt from her. But I don't think she knows I finally know the truth. They promised each other to 'never tell.' Isn't that sweet?

I wish you peace and healing. Keep posting

Thank you all for your support.

My H did not come back last night as he had promised. This was not a surprise. He sent me a text at midnight to say he was staying with her and would see me the next day. I think I made a mistake in that I replied to this asking when he was going to talk to me. I needed to know as Tuesday at work was horrible, I was so upset and could concentrate on anything. I couldn't cope with having to go another day to find out what they had decided. H replied that he would see me in the evening. I rang him bach - several times as the phone kept getting cut off (apparently problem with the mobile). OW ansered his mobile and then put me onto him. He told me he would come over then, then ow rang me and said would be easier if I went there - refused! Later H rang back saying he didn't think there was any point in comming over then would talk this evening. I didn't argue or loose my cool at all and he admitted that he didn't see it working between us although he loved me, that his feelings for ow were too strong and that he appreciated the changes in me and that I had tried but his heart wasn't in and and it would take effort from both of us if it was to work - he wasn' prepared to work at it, couldn't see the point. I asked whether we could discuss this privatly at which poiunt the ow came on the line - she had been listening in on the other line - and said we had had 4/5 wks of private chats and that was enough. Again I didn't get angry and asked her to let h speak. I asked him if he knew she was on the other line - he said no. I asked him why she didn't trust him to speak to me on my own - was she worried he would say something wrong. This ended the call and we agreed to talk the next morning briefly before work and then in the evening.

My H is being so controlled and he can't see it! I don't understand this. I saw my counsellor last night who told me that I needed to make a decision. If he wanted the A to carry on then I should set ground rules and not let him in the house. I can see the merits of this and can see that it is healthier for me - also this is what worked last time (with a softer approach). However, I am really worried that if I do this, I will be making his decision for him and pushing him to her.

I really don't think that he will finish it with her as he is too stuborn and can see only good in her, but I do think that she will get fed up with him eventually. But how long can I wait?

I have taken today off work and we have not discussed things yet. I think he will want to stay in the house. He may want me to move out so that he can thiunk things over, but this is something I won't do unless the A is over. I thiunk that if he is still openly undecided, that I may let him stay in the house but in seperate rooms and plan A like mad. However, if the A is blatently continuing, maybe I am better of asking him to leave. I do not want to cut off all communication, but can you plan A when you H is not living with you?

All of this is complicated by the business. The rooms downstairs are used by him and staff during the day and I can hear everything in the shop from upstairs so I get no relief. When he came back 4 wks ago, we took on a new staff member and being shortstarfed was one thing that was getting him down. Now that person faces redundency if we cannot sort this mess out. We also bought a new car 3 wks ago as my H assurred me is was so committed and this was something he hd always wanted. The loan is in my name as I am the major income source. If he cannot end the A the business will have to close and he will be out of work. This may end the A as the ow wants financial security for her and her son but by then H will have lost everything.

This is all so complicated. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT i LOST SIGHT OF WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT TO ME. i LOVE HIM SO MUCH BUT i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE BEST. i have been needy and desperate with him since he came back and I know I need to show him I am the strong person I know I am, but I don't know where that person has gone.

I do not have a close circle of friends and do not have good relations with my family and I feel so alone.

Work have been very suportive but I don't know how long they will put up with me. I have been worried about the threat of redundancy for the past year as we cannot keep the business without my salary. This is a major reason why I have not satisfied his needs. I told the ow this when I thought we were friends in the hope that she would let my H know as he was being distant from me (I know why now). Instead my H said she told him that I didn't love him, didn't appreciate him and never had a good word to say about him. This was in the early stages of the A but he still believed her no matter what I said. I still didn't suss she said this because she was haveing an A, I thought she was just being needy and wanted attention. I was so stupid - I even baby sat onec while they were together. She laughed about this in a letter to him.

Update
We have now had our chat. My H is not sure what he wants. He says he still loves me but does not see how the marriage can work and is not willing to work on it. He says he doesn't know if his relationship will work but wants to try. He discussed living arrangements. Due to the business he doesn't want to move out and asked if I would. I said no. We agreed for a trial time that we would live together but seperatly. I am therefore committed to plan A, but where do I start?

I told him that if we can't cope living together then he would have to move out. That shocked him as he thinks th ow will not take him back (but I know she will). I don't think she will be happly with the plan but tough.

I negotiated a living plan with my h. We agreed to share the domestic duties, cooking, cleaning etc and agreed to try and communicate better. I told him where I felt I had not met his needs and that as I remained committed to our relationship I would work on the areas I felt I had lost sight of, ie taking on more of the domestic duties,being supportive of him, not criticising etc. Unfortunatly the one area I cannot work on is sf - but who knows given time.

We agreed not to question where the other spent free time but agreed to be considerate, eg say if not in for dinner etc. We also agreed to schedule time together to discuss our situation, clean and decorate (our house is a work in progress).

This is going to be so hard. When we had finished chatting, he went straight round to her place (in our new car). I so want to shake him and tell him not to be so stupid, but I guess he has got to figure that out for himself.

I am so scared. I told him I would be going out also, but where and what do I do on my own? I so want this to be over somehow. What if the A does finish and he still doesn't want to come back. I was starting to discuss with him a family. Neither of us wanted one before and he still is dead set against it.

My counsellor will not be happy as she thinks I have issues confronting things (which I do), but if I do kick him out I won't see him and I will just push them further together. Am I being naive and stupid?

First off, do the reading i recommended, if you haven't already. It was done by professionals, we are amateurs. Secondly, you ARE naive, but the only way not to be naive about this is to have gone through it several times before - so naive is good. As for stupid, no. It is clear that you are emotionally distraught and having trouble making decisions - but this is completely normal. Everyone in your situation (and most of us have been there) faces that. My personal opinion based on what you described is that the fastest way to end the affair is Plan B, including, if possible, kicking him out of the house and removing all financial support. This is just to keep you sane. Why should you supporrt his affair? As a bonus, she cannot give him what you give him, AND she is a **tch, besides, and she wants financial support from him which he can't give without your help. I doubt he will last a week. And for darn sure dont' let him back in the house until he has agreed to no contact and sent her a NC letter, as well as committing to a plan for recovery. Therefore, since I don't think he will last long, you might want to Plan A for a few days/weeks while figuring out what you will accept as conditions of return. The fact that you are not close to your family suggests you might have your own relationship issues to work on in Plan A.

Remember, I am not a professional. My advice is worth what you paid me for it, and your mileage may vary.

hey HJ--just wanted to let you know that i read your story. My H is blind where the OW is conerned also. He has told ne how she felt so guilty and tried to stop things from going any further several times, but, she still comes over or calls every day and they talk at work every day. i told him (before i found this site) that she knew exactly what she was doing and she's only showing him what she wants him to see and she doesn't want to feel like any of this is her fault. He said that he "pressured" her (bet that was hard work). But of course, somehow it's not his fault--go figure??

I don't think it is possible in nearly any case to work on a marriage with the OW around all the time but the no contact thing just isn't an option for everybody (JMHO). In my case I am hoping (in my twisted mind) that he will turn some of his guilt on her for being just as much a contributor. Either that or maybe if he does decide to work on the marriage being around her will bring up the pain we are going thru now. Hey you never know.

I do hope that things work out for you, and for everybody here, and QUICKLY.

Thanks LBH
He thinks she is the victim in all this. He thinks that she tried to stop it and it was all his doing so he feels guilt towards her. Yet he also says that she says she has always loved him and it was only when she could see he was sad that she was willing to confort him. Fat chance, she knew exactly what she was doing right down to the timing. Our dog (who was our baby) was put to sleep a week befor my holiday (she had had cancer since March). We were both so distraught about this but i was away when he need me most-she saw this and acted.
When he came back last time, he fininshed it with her by letter requesteing no contact. He resisted for a day - she was even ringing my mobile - but then the guilt trip worked. She was round every day for a week as she found more stuff to drop back, bit by bit. Then she was texting every day. She started angry, then hurt, and emotional - saying he had left her on her own what was she to do! All emotional blackmail. The final piece of her act was to tell him she was seeing someone else - she even alledgedly got him to send h a text saying he should leave her alone and did he know what he was missing!

Why is it that some men are so blind and gulable?
I am doing so much reading at the moment. I am very tempted to take Johns advice and go straight to plan B, but I think I will leave it a few days or weeks.

oh naturally according to them OW had absolutely NOTHING to do with it--just a poor, innocent bystander.

Good Lord-- the things these people (WS) conjure up. I guess that we can only hope that sometime very soon they will open their eyes and see what's going on right in front of them.

I have thought about skipping plan A myself. Here is my list of reasons why i haven't--

1. I love him.
2. I feel that this can be gotten past and our marriage can be better.
3. I love him.
4. I don't want to abandon him the way he has emotionally abandoned me.
5. I love him.
6. I am not ready to deal with the possible consequences of plan B, such as the end of our marriage and pushing them together.
7. I love him.
8. I want to give him a chance to see that he made a mistake and work on repairing the effects it has caused.
9. I love him.

So even though part of me wants to skip ahead to plan B, every time I think about all this I know that I'm not ready, not yet. I think that is a step that has to be well thought out, and one that should be well prepared for, should it go either way.

Good luck, don't throw in the towel yet--you never know when things will get better.

HJ
Hang in There! You have made a great discovery and that is this site.
I had a terrible time when I found out about my H's A. I cried and cried as I knew it was time to move on since this was the 3rd A in 20 years BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO! I didn't want to end our marriage and the A was not my choice. My H ended the A as soon as it was discovered but then what? I decided that no matter what happened (with him or with out him) I wanted to be a better person because I hadn't been happy for a long time! I set out to do just that. Easy? Heck No!! It took a long time and the hardest thing I ever did was to call a counselor and get going. I went in to see her the first time and when she asked me some words to describe myself I couldn't think of one good thing! Now, after 11 mos. on counseling I have told her (yesterday) that I am ready to take a break and not make a next appointment..just play it by ear. I am so much more confident with myself, I fix my hair, wear makeup, paint my nails etc. and I love it!
I admitted to suffering from depression for a long time and I see the effects it has on my family and marriage. I have been taking meds since July (also a hard decision) but it has made a big difference.
I tell you this because I know exactly how you feel and the only thing that will work is to make you a stronger person and one who can make good decisions!
I see one thing you have going for you already! You have a job and make money so you are able to support yourself. (I don't work outside the home).
A point you bring up that I relate to all too well is that you have a business...and so do we. I can understand the horrible stress that goes with that and feeling like all the financial woes fall on your shoulders. Not easy! Keep your chin up! Read all you can (it helps occupy your time and gives you something positive to do) and pray and thank GOD for the strength to get through this.
I'll be thinking about you!

Hi HJ,

Just wanted you to know that I also ready your story. I am sorry, it sounds all so familiar to me.

I have to say that I agree with Johnh39. I felt the same way also. Our truck was brand new and in my name. I went nuts when I found out about the A and then to think he was going to leave to be with her and take the truck to - Oh, no! I told him straight out, leave if you want but the truck stays. Also, I was going to forward all his bills to her house also. Hell, if she was going to get him, she was going to get all that went along with him. Paradise was over no matter what. At first he didn't believe me, but I wrote her telling her exactly what she was getting and to do with that info what she wanted. There was no way she was going to put up with it.

Also, you're so-called friend sounds like a real piece of work. She sounds very unhappy and it looks like she didn't want anyone else to be happy either. She brainwashed him and unfortunately he has to figure that out for himself. Maybe moving in with her will do the trick, it might be the dose of reality he needs. He is still in that fantasy world where it is still wonderful. I tried to send my H to her to see what he was giving up. I wasn't nasty or upset, I just told him that if that is where he wanted to be then he should go. His response was that he didn't think she wanted a roommate, that she liked her freedom also. Needless to say he didn't go. Oh, well - guess the grass isn't always greener.....

"Why is it that some men are so blind and gulable?" This is a very good question!! He was in a place where your friend was able to get in his head. She is a real piece of work!

Be strong & Good Luck!

Hi HJ,
So sorry to hear your troubles, it sounds so incredibly familiar. My WS is living in fantasy land, having been relentlessly pursued by theOW, who has a reputation as long as your arm for wrecking other people's relationships. My WS feels the need to "protect and look after" her as she has "no confidence" (pass the sick bowl).I personally call it "the vulnerable princess routine" which regularly presents itself when he starts behaving remorsefully and tries to end the relationship with her.He always returns to her as she cannot "cope" without him (ha ha)! I'm now taking care of me and waiting for him to either commit to her or me, but most importantly I'm looking after me now.

Thanks everyone

Well I am feeling a lot better today. I am still not certain if I will continue to plan A or just go for plan B. I am still really worried that H will think I accept the situation and that we have an'open marriage'.
I went out last night with a friend but made sure that my H saw me glammed up. He wanted to know where I was going but I reminded him of our no questions agreement. I then told him I was going to see a band (which I wasn't). He wanted to know who with but I wouldn't say. He went out to his shooting club (which is his main hobby). He planned to tell a mutual friend (who already knew). H said our friend said to do what made him happy and that he would be there for both of us. I know this is not true as the friend had already discussed this with me and was very anti H quitting the marriage (his ex wife had done so and he regretted it - although he is now v happy with gf and plans to marry next year after their 1st child is born, so it can work out for good).
I was back late but H did not come home at all. I know it is early days, but it is looking like he is moving in with her anyway so maybe I should get in ther first and go straight to plan B.
I had to talk to him this morning about his use of the car. He assumes that the new car is his (we do have another car and a van for the business - the new car was a treat and intended for occasional use as heavy on fuel) and took it yesterday to ferry ow around in. I told him that this was not on. I don't think I handled it too well though. I told him I was not trying to be nasty about it but he said that was how he felt I was acting. I reminded him that the only reason that we bought it was as a symbol of his commitment to me (3 wks ago) and that I did not want ow benefiting from it. I said he had his own van which is in his name to use.
He did ask me how my evening was and what band I saw, so he is showing some interest in my life. I can't help thinking that I need to get tough and give him a major reality dose. If we split for good, the house must be sold, this means he loses his business and his only source of income. I told him that if we sold the house, the majority would be mine as it would be split according to the amount we invested - I would get 70%. He didn't like this at all. He seems to care more about losing the car than me at the moment! He also said I would be taking away his income - I guess the ow would not be too chuffed with that, her last bf got her down as she had to finance him and get him a job etc while is was finishing studying.
I can't help thinking that all the ow wants is my life - the life she perceives (reality is not as good as outward appearances. When H left initally, he didn't know what he wanted from life, whether he wanted the business at all. Now he talks about being able to buy me out and admits to talking about it with ow (who is just being supportive!). If one thing is certain about all this, ow and h will not live in my house ever! We live in a village and he runs the local shop so we have a king of status - everyone knows who he is. I think ow wants this perceived standing. Belive me this sounds good, but it is nothing but I don't think she gets it. The business is only just solvant, if it wasn't for my income, we could not have bought it or be able to eat!
I would love to hear from any of you who have seperated or plan B'd how it was.

Hi everyone

Just a quick update.

Well so much for H and ow taking it slowly and h and me cohabiting. They have been out every night so far and h has not yet come home, but he did not use the car last night, so maybe he is listening to something I have to say.
H rang me last night (left a voicemail) to let me know he wouldn't be in for dinner and that he didn't know if he would come home that night. I was not expecting him to and he didn't. I didn't see him this morning either so he would probably have been late over to open up the shop - there was a delivery as I left, but I wans't going to deal with it, it is his business after all.
This situation is starting to get repetative. The first time he left, he didn't move all his stuff to hers and used our home as a hotel - coming over in the mornings as late as possible, having a shower, and changing. The only differance then was that I was unable to work and stayed at home - I needed to be near him. Consequently, he saw I was not coping and took me out some afternoons - I think that is what helped in him coming back the first time (even though it was not real). But that will not happen this time as I am working and do not see him. Ithink ow is keeping him close on purpose as she has seen that when we spend quality time together he comes back to me.
I am seriously thinking that what he needs is a major reality check which menas plan B. I am also going to speak to a lawyer to establish my rights.
I still love him and want him back so much, but ultimatly that is his choice. If he doesn't make that choice, I know I will survive and he will have to accept the consequences. Any advice on how to meet friends? It has been h and me for so long now that I have neglected forming a social circle and now that I need it I am alone.
HJ

Hey, keep up the good work! Looks to me like you are getting stronger by the minute and setting some boundaries and limits and it is making him a little uncomfortable. Sounds like Plan B (my understanding of if) will be a real wake-up call for him. He is starting to see what the OW is going to cost him and it will be big if you sell the business etc. Could she possibly be worth his financial liveliehood? Hard to say as they are not in their "right mind" but it sounds to me like you are on the right path. Keep up the good work!
P.S. I have the same problem...now that I need a real person to lean on I don't have much for friends....still looking for the right place to find them. Trouble is, I don't trust too many people right now. It is coming though.

Hi HJ--
I totally agree with survivor on this one--you are strong, he is the weak one. Not sure how I stand on full on plan B yet, maybe give him a little taste? By that I mean maybe go away for a weekend or something if possible.
I have the same problem with no friends--only friend I had that I might have talked to about this is the one he's having the affair with! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Am heavily leaning on an online friend and people on this site, and it seems to be working for me for now.
Stay strong and take care.

Hi Surviver and LBH

Thanks for your words of support.

I am still 'officially' using plan A, altyhough seeing as he is not around, it is a kind of plan B. I am trying to develop a life and let him know that I can be my own person, however, I am afraid that he might just think that I am ok on my own and don't need him. But that said, the ow won him back because she said (but I don't necessarilly belive) that she was seeing someone else. This whole thing is so tough to call.

Anyway, I am going out for a few drinks with some friends from work tonight and will try and enjoy my self - I will have to let h know that I am out under our agreement!

Interestingly, h sent my friend a text by mistake that was intended for the ow (2nd time he has done that - it never happened before the A). The jist of it was that that he thought they wanted the same things and that he would do all he could to regain her trust so that their love could grow (makes you sick!)and that he would love and support her always. I don't know if there is positive spin on this, but maybe they do have some issues already. But how will he support her if he has no income?

Must go now, have a good weekend everyone.
HJ

Hi...
sounds to me like he is trying to keep in touch with you still...otherwise why is he stopping by to shower and not showering elsewhere? Just a thought...??? I am glad you are going out tonite and I hope you have a great time!
Oh, and I wasn't encouraging plan B earlier, only noticing that it would cause him a lot of discomfort...