My wife and I recognized a rut in our relationship back in August and have been trying to make things right since then, or at least I have. She had seemed unwilling to make things work though. She admitted that she would always love me but was not sure if she was "in love with me" anymore. Naturally I started to dig and found very good evidence that there was something going on. She wanted to seperate for a while becasue she was confused and needed time to think and we did for about 10 days but when I had our son (2 years and 10 months) she was out with her friends and the bars and clubs and one night she met the suspected boyfriend. We were also going to marriage counseling but I knew she was not being truthful about things. She moved back home and we slept in seperate beds at her request. I finally filed for divorce and last week after our mediation she called me upset and asked that we call everything off and fix our marriage. She had threatened to file for divorce a few times in the past month so she would get her seperation. She was very upset and crying when she called me to call the divorce off. She said she had realized her family was importand to her and she wanted "us" back again. I decided on Friday to call the divorce off. I confronted her about an affair several times which she denied and one night when I had a PI follow her she was seen going into her place of work with the suspected boyfriend. When I questioned her about that night she said they thought about having and affair but backed out. Last night I got her to admit to the affair. They had sex twice, once in August and in October the night I saw them. She cried and was very sorry about it. I told her I loved her and wanted our marriage back to the wasy it used to be. I'm not going to leave her.
She is going to our marriage counselor tonight at her request alone and not us together.

My question is this: What should I do or say to her? I dont know if she wants to hear me say "I love you" We kissed last night for the first time since September and it was very passionate. But I don't know what she wants from me right now. What should I do?

It sounds like your wife is living in the fog. You need to get the book Surviving an Affair available on this website. It will help you out so much.

If you know that you want to try and save your marriage I suggest you read all the articles on this website - they are wonderful and will give you great insight about your marriage.

I'll bet hearing you say "I love you" is what she needs if she's going to try and make it work.

Good LUCK to both of you.
DB

Thanks for the reply. I did tell I loved her last night and she told me as well. I just wish I knew what she did or did'nt want from me right now. I'm sure she is dealing with a lot of emotions right now. I'm assuming guilty feelings towards me and our son. Hopefully when she goes to our marriage counselor tonight she will give her some insight on how to comfort me. I need her to tell me she loves me as well.

Have you 2 filled out the Emotional Needs questionaire? If she's honest with it, and willing to do it it might help you both emensly! (I need a spellchecker). My W has never been willing to fill it out but she did last week say she needed me to be a friend.
I told her to have a friend you have to be a friend. (One of these days I'm going to learn to keep my mouth shut.)
If you both still want your marriage you off to a good start. Don't give up!

Hi Darren.

I'm sorry that you have to be another person to suffer the pain of betrayal by your spouse, but welcome to our little group.

Your M(marriage) does not have a chance of recovery until she ends all contact with OM(other man) and commits to a plan of marital recovery a la MB(Marriage Builders) with counseling with a professional truly dedicated to save M's. If she doesn't end contact with OM she'll get emotionally sucked back to square one and once more she'll want to leave you for him.

Be ready and grab tight to go thru what is referred to here as the emotional rollercoaster. Your WW(wayward wife) will go thru withdrawl, similar to the withdrawl that drug addicts go thru when they are trying to kick the habit. The best way to deal with the highs and lows of the rollercoaster is to detach emotionally from your WW otherwise the emotional whipsaws will leave you emotionally drained and without any energy to go thru recovery if and when she finally wants to rebuild the M.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to stop the affairees from ending their A, but what you CAN do is:

1.Read the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''His needs Her needs' and 'Love busters'.

2..Not feed their A with your 'love busters' (angry outbursts,selfish demands, disrespectful judgements,dishonest behavior,annoying habits, and independent behavior).

3.Follow Plan A and Plan B.

4.Follow Michelle Weiner Davis Divorce busting's 180 degree list.

The good thing about A(affairs) is that even when the affairees get the chance to live out the R(relationship) in the open, the A tends to self destruct because the ingredients that made it possible (lies and deception) tend to turn on the R. Of course this is poor consolation to you right now but it is some little bit of good news that you can rely on.

You are not alone, we were where you are right now and no matter what happens with your M, you WILL not only survive but thrive.