Ammon- all Big update. Since the last post my relationship with WW has deteriorated again - the OM returned and our email communication got progressively worse - she began playing mind games with me (I'm thinking of you but don't read anything into it- sick hurtful stuff). I took several hurtful emails with me to the counselor who advised WW is really got significant problems- cant decide etc. She suggested I discuss with WW that I was moving on with her or without her her choice. In retrospect maybe the wrong thing - but her communications was killing me. We had a unpleasant phone call and she accused me of being bitter (about what I don't know).

Based on that discussion I felt complelled to call the OM's wife. To find out what was really going on from her side. Guess what before I could ask for her help to end htis A - she tells me that her and OM have resolved alot of things - both read SAA - and he is ready to end it with a no contact returning to family letter to my WW.

Unfornately my WW saw an email from OMW where she had said she had talked with me (WW doesnot know the following --and I would be available when the letter is sent to my WW.)

The net result of all of that was I got 4 nasty nasty phone calls from my WW - wanting to know why I was talking to OMW and how I'm ruining everything - hates me - is going to divorce me all intermingled with a lot of four letter words. Her anger went to the moon.

Subesequently OM returned to east coast and had to leave town and will return to his W and they will compose the A ending letter together - to be delivered by email. He has agreed to sever all contact and will be monitoed by OMW - they will be going to counseling immediately.

Now for my dilemma - my WW is near a psycological breakdown as they OM and WW have fought before he left. SheWW doesnot know he is not returning.

I need a huge dose of advice - do I wait and see if she calls me or do I intervene once I know the email has been sent. WW is living in OM apartment which he is vacating but has belongings there. OMW has agreed that he will not return but will move the belongings some other way.

My WW has only her clothes and computers and a car. She is very unstable - not sure what she is capable of.

Help!!!!!!!!!!!! - this is planned for this Thurs

As simplistic as this sounds, you can not do anything for her. In spite of her probable mental illness, she is NOT a child and she will have to learn (the hard way) that affairs can turn on the affairees and leave one or both devastated. Who knows? maybe it's going to take her crashing and burning to bring her back to reality and on the road to a healthier life.

Jbongio --

What you see as deterioration, I see as progress. Painful nonetheless, but definitive steps toward resolution. Remember that we don't grow or learn life's lessons through the happy times, but only through the times of pain, sorrow, and heartbreak. You're growing throughout all of this and your W needs to be there too. Once the fantasy world starts to collapse, real introspection and advancement can take place...and not before.

What have you really learned from the OMW? The truth? Only as she sees it. Only what she's been fed by the OM: a liar and a cheater. Don't mean to dampen your spirits (well, maybe I do!), but you must see this piece in context. Under normal circumstances, I'd be jumping up and down for you, but I wouldn't take this highly questionable third-hand info as gospel truth for any amount of money. I'm not saying this can't go down this way, just that your sources are suspect. Don't assume = Rule #1.

Let's say what you've told us really will happen. It at least would explain your W's panicky contacts with you and her obviously unsteady emotions--she's worried. Four nasty phone calls to you and all telling you that you're ruining everything! Let's get real! She's running scared--a good thing!

I know it hurts to be on the receiving end of those diatribes, from anyone not to mention one's spouse. So...don't listen to her when she's like that (and expect more "like that's" as this falls apart). Just gently end the conversation. Protect yourself and your emotions first.

Let's see if this NC letter to your W really happens. I'm very doubtful and mistrustful with it but it is possible. I'm even sceptical enough to suggest that such a letter easily could be all for "show" and that it's simply a carrot put forth to take the pressure off with both OMW and you. We'll bide our time and keep our eyes open, OK? Not at all wild about it being sent email; whatever happened to good, old-fashioned snail mail? Maybe that's a generational thing?

Since you've asked for it, my advice would be to sit tight and let her come to you. You don't want her back in your life simply because she couldn't have someone else. You don't want her back angry at you because you've "ruined" her chances for happiness with OM. You don't want to settle for crumbs.

Let W handle the OM's apartment stuff herself. If OM in fact is never returning, he'll find some way of getting his things out and one of them is W! She can't/won't stay there without him, right? What will she do? Where will she go? You don't know at this point. So, you hang loose and see where this all is going. She knows where to find you. Be an observer, not a participant at this point.

What's planned for Thursday? This email NC letter? Don't necessarily expect "action" or fallout from this immediately, even if Thursday is the day. BTW, one last point: having her move back in with you without addressing and attempting to solve these problems guarantees that you both will be back in this same boat within a very short time frame. It is imperative that boundaries and understandings be established and adhered to. Otherwise, you're both in for a repeat performance.

I hope it all comes together for you. You know that I wish you well. Keep us in the loop...

Ammon

Ammon - thanks for all the confirming words - what I knew in my head - but wanted it to play out differently.

You are my strength thanks again. Storms brewing I'm sure i just need to disengage and let it happen - were ever it ends as they say it is what it is

jbongio --

Well, tomorrow's the day! Here's a word or two of encouragement for you. Know that you're in our thoughts and we certainly wish you well with everything.

Remember that this may not go down according to schedule and that even if it does, you may not see any results for some time. Don't worry or feel you need to "do something" when you haven't heard or seen anything, even after awhile. Your W knows how to get in touch with you.

Remember also that no matter how bad things seem, your W has to hit bottom before she can ever be able to rise up again. As difficult as it is for you to stand by and watch it happen, as hard as that will be for you, as much as it hurts to see, it has to go that way and you have to let it happen.

We're in your corner. Post as much as you want to and definitely keep us updated on what's going on. We're looking for a happy ending right along with you.

Ammon

Ammon -all We'll here we are two weeks later and no action from the OM - I bet your not surprized. It was all too good to be true. We have gone from a NC letter as recommended by SAA to I'm going to tell her in person including returning to the love nest.

I have spoke with the OMW many times now she is just so incredulously hurt - the OM has been commiting to end it with my WS over and over and still won't do it. There was even been an intervener a very good friend of the OM who said end it or you will loose everything.

OM is to return later this week to end it - complete BS I'm sure. My WS is emotionally unable to do anything but beg him to stay - she does in fact have a personality disorder that completely obviates any self in her, she takes all her worth from the other party.

This is all so sick and continues to damage so many people, OM will knowingly say he needs to end it but continues to procratinate, and we all know why -- he's having his cake and eating it too.

I asked the OM W if she considered plan B she has read SAA - She seems to not want to because of the TWO TEEN AGE children who still don't know.

Where am I in all this - want to believe this is ending but it seems to continue to drag on. Once the OM is away from home all his intentions just become excuses.

What will push this over the edge? I am considering turning the heat up on my WS - removing some of the support mechanisms I left - I feel a real dose of reality is now approaching. She has had use of a car that belongs entirely to me including carting him around when he is in town. My plan is to now begin to put her in a place where she has to fend on her on, the OM pays for the apt. she only has a part time job.

There are other things I can remove that will bring greater reality to the situation.

I'm really getting tired of all of this.

What's even worse is my counselor has said my WS is pitiful and really needs pyschological help besides MC. The OM just continues to further cause her deterioration by not severing the A entirely.

I'm afraid I will be doing a lot of LBing soon - maybe that's what's in order - a hugh dose of reality.