i am new here. hope this is the right place to post. i found out 1 wk ago today my husband and my best friend were having a affair. it started when i was out of town having surgery (gastric bypass.) it was the week of 10-22. the last time they have been intimate was 12-7. i am finding out the lies, the times she lied, and how she really felt--this friend. my husband has left her and has been apologizing to my and my family. we have been seeing a pastoral counselor for this. we have been lacking God in a big way. anyway, i am having a hard time making it thru a day, thru a hour. my 5 yr old daughter thinks daddy is leaving (from what she hears.) this friend and him had a plan for him to divorce me and they go live together. this idea was on 11-8, the 1st time they did it. God i am so sad, scared. Dont know what to believe. we got him a new cell ph # cuz she was calling him. he wrote her a letter and sent it as a email attachment, after we scanned it.

my family does not understand, they automatically hate him and never want him around. i am not ready for the D word. i do love him.

what do i do.....how do i know he is sincere, really loves me. he says he wants me, loves me. it could be just to shut me up!

really really confused/sad/depressed

Welcome to MB. You are in the right place. Read everything you can from this website. Buy all the books that have been suggested...especially SAA (Surviving An Affair). You can make it through this. Your WH (wayward husband) sounds like he is in a good place to start Recovery. Also, if he has sent a NC (no contact) letter to the OW (other woman), you are in really good shape. He needs to maintain that NC and the two of you get to work on your marriage. There are plenty of helps and hints on how to do that within this website.

Know that you are not alone and that you will be on an emotional roller coaster for a bit. It is the most difficult thing you will ever go through, but you can come out a better person and have the marriage that you always wanted.

I understand what you are going though....
I am having the same thing...I just found out dec 4....that is the day my world came down....My world fell down...
He says it is over with her, but there were so many lies..that you don't know what to think....
There are days when I can make it for an hour without thinking about it,but then it hits me and I have to go hide somy son will not see me cry.....and cry I do... I never knew a person could cry so much....I know what you are talking about,,,, My family would love it if I left him,, today,,,but how do you do that,,,,I still love him,,,and when I said "I do" I said it forever,,and I don't know what I feel right now,, because I am mad,,, sad, mad,,sad, I don't know how to feel.....
I blame him and then the next minute I blame myself..he says it was not me, but I ask him if it is not me that why did you do it.....I know I am not any help,,, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone....
Cindy

I am really sorry to hear about all of your situations, I am in thee same boat now. Found out 5 weeks ago my W having A with my 'best friend'. Both of us are commited to rebuild, but it is very hard for me and for her also. She tells me she is over OM, but somehow I can't reallly believe it. I have forgiven both of them, and read everything on this site, doing all the things I can, but not dwelling on the past is imposibble for me now, everything is to fresh. She tells me she loves me, I asked her to choose who she wants in her life, and she said that I am the one, and she'll try everything to make things better. We have good days, and then BAD days, I broke down 4 weeks after D-day, and basically destroyed eveyrhting we built up to now. I am hurting, I am crying, I am not sleeping well, but I want to save my M and will try my hardest and will give it ample time. Having 2 boys makes things so much more difficult, and trying to keep it a secret in front of everyone is like hiding an elephant under a rug, but so far we managed. I love my W dearly, I feel that without her I would die, and at the same time I feel that I am dead inside now. All I cna say is that we all know this is a rollercoaster ride, and have to stay strong and focused. The secret is in giving it time and all the suport it takes to get ahead.
My situation
Me-BH-32
WW-30
A-10 months (EA and PA)
D-day 11/13/02
Kids-5,3
5 weeks and still in shock
Committed to rebuild.
Love my W more than anyone in this world.
Lost my so called 'best friend'

I am going to tell you exactly what you don't want to hear-

your family/friends want what is best for you. They can see something that you cannot because you are blinded by your love for who you think your husband is. This story strikes me, b/c I suspect my stbx cheated on me whenever I got big (which happened b/c I depended on alchoal to soothe me when me h was being horrible.

My STBX would play these demonic little games- he would do something horrible, and I would catch him and cry and talk to him. One time, he met a girl offline, and when I caught him, he acted like an injured little puppy. He professed his love to me and stayed away form the computer for weeks, even brought me flowers..just kissed my butt. Meanwhile, he'd go to work and make personal ads and email this girl b/c he found he got a thrill sneaking around. I lost all my friends b/c they got tierd of me not listening to them- I would cry my heart out with every betrayal, and they would try to show me what I didn't want to hear- I didnt want to believe that my husband had become this porn-addicted cheater who got off on betraying me. He still looked like my true love, and while I was around, he still (somewhat) acted like him. But it was true.
He went to a few sessions of marriage counceling, and right when I thought things were getting better, he made a sex date with 2 difft. annoyn. women online who's pics he'd never even seen for the weekdays I worked.

I am telling you this, because I loved that man- and still do- with all of my heart. I refused to believe he was capable of such betrayal. I wanted to believe him everytime he said he was sorry. I wanted to believe he wanted us to work-that he loved me enough to work to make me stay. But he changed. And it was all about lies. And I am afraid you are starting down the same road.

Did he tell you why he cheated? That's supposed to open a window to you. If "stress" is the answer- there is always ALWAYS going to be stress. So where does that leave you?

He is not the only man in the world.
And you are starting a wonderful new life, as you drop those pounds from your bypass and begin to see the beautiful, georgous you that has been there all along. You will have so much more confidence, and I hope a lot more self-respect, so that you can see that you are a faithful, wonderful woman who is deserving of the best.

I know everyone wants to protect their spouse from everything-its an instinct for those of us who are normal- protect the ones you love. You want to hide their imperfections from judgemental eyes. And when our families/friends try to tell us what they have observed...if it is anything negative...we try to tune them out and explain our spouse's behaivor away-even if we really know it's true.

A spouse is supposed to be a friend. The very best friend. I agree with giving ONE chance, I suppose. But in this catagory...when the offense happened more than once...What I am saying is that your relationship should be based on trust, and respect. But now those 2 things have been ripped from you- and I honestly don't believe they will be ever again be whole.Why do you want a relationship based on lies and betrayal?
And for those with kids- kids are a LOT more perceptive than you think- and what you accept you teach. You are raising philanderers by showing them that it is acceptable, with little/no consenquenses.

Listen to your firends and family. They do not want you to be lonely and sad or hurt. They want to see you happy. Trust that.

<small>[ December 20, 2002, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: Epiph0ny ]</small>

I feel for you as I am in the same place. I babysat my "friends" kids while she was sleeping with my H, then they would come over to our home separately and I would have dinner ready because they had to "work Late". This site has been a great support as have friends and family. Does any of your famly know, as well as her H (is she married?) My family has been a tremendous support as well as our church. Take care over the holidays. This is a difficult time, stressful ect take care of yourself

Hi Kuljey,

Welcome. I agree with the posters that tell you to learn and read all you can. Do not make any major decisions regarding your M until you have yourself undercontrol. This is a very emotional time right not. I know when I initially discovered my H's A, my immediate reaction was to call an Attorney. The thought of a D upset me even more. I did call an attorney, he suggested I not make any decisions while this discovery is fresh. The Harleys' suggest 6 months. You will know when you are ready, and you will know what the right decision is.

On the plus side, you H expresses a desire to recover. There are some out here, where the A is being flung in their faces so to speak. He already did the NC letter, changed cell phone number, so he has already taken steps to eliminate contact, so that is a plus.

There is also support for him on this website if he chooses to post here. A WS who really wants to work on recovery will find support. (There may be the occasional reply that might be a bit bitter, but for the most part, he will find support and he can ignore the bitter ones.).

This is also a good place to vent. Especially, because you will be on the emotional rollercoaster of your life. Which is normal. Instead of losing it with your H, who you are trying to repair you M, you can vent here.

Take Care

its christmas eve. i cant stop thinking about the A. my H keeps saying he has not called the OW. how how how can i believe. i have asked for the details---"that time when i called and called...oh i was w/OW." i have asked for these details, and i think i have them all. its killing me inside. my doctor prescribed a tranquilizer because i cannot stop shaking/trembling. he is concerned. i can feel myself just letting all this just push me to the breaking point.how can i believe. i keep telling him actions speak louder than words.

and the OW, my ex-best friend. she would talk bad about me to H, talk bad about our 5 yr old daughter to my H. it just shocks me out of my shoes. to my face, best friend, behind my back, telling H to leave me!!!

God i cant cope anymore.

Kuljey --

Now it's the next day and you've somehow made it through last night--see, it is possible. One day, one hour at a time. If you can't make it through a whole hour, could you do ten minutes?

You have to start thinking in smaller and manageable chunks. My chunks are up to several hours at a time now--although last night (Christmas Eve) was incredibly difficult for me too--and I've been dealing with WW's A for over a year and a half. It gets better although it takes much time and patience.

You can cope! You have to cope! You have a five- year-old who needs and depends on you. You have yourself to consider. I think getting the tranquilizers was a very smart and very "coping" thing to do. I've gone that route as have many here--why not use the help that's available?

Actions do speak much louder than words. It will be some time before you will be able to believe what H says. "Trust has to be learned and earned" --from my Divorce Care group. H has broken that vital bond between you and now it's a long, slow, painful recovery process for him to earn back your trust. First, he's got to want to, and then he's got to show (actions) you that he can be trusted again.

For that process to have any meaning for you, it must occur over a long period of time. You must see it, feel it, know it for days and weeks and months for it to sink in, for it to mean anything and be able to depend upon it. I believe that trust is the element that is the most elusive and takes the longest time to recapture when couples are trying to recover from an A.

Your H says he has not called the OW. At this point, your trust is virtually nonexistent so you can't accept that statement at face value; you can't believe it for now...and you're right in your feelings; how could you be expected to? If this ship is going to be righted, he's got to A) want to (first and foremost); B) be able to (for you and your marriage); C) give you whatever it is you need to begin the process (any details, all information, etc.). Has H recommitted to your marriage? Does he want to stay in it? Is he sorry?

As for your ex-best "friend"--I'm glad you've used that term. You don't need people like that in your life. She sounds like a troubled and bitter woman in addition to her immense problems with low self-esteem, zero self-respect, and moral issues. Friends don't do that to friends (or to anyone, for that matter). You are far better off without her. Now you know...

You've already gotten some good advice, some of it from people in this same sort of situation. I'm very sorry for this in your life. You can get through it; you can survive and you MUST survive, for you and for your daughter. I'm sorry that it hurts so much, but you have to hang in and know that coping for just one minute at a time is doable.

Ammon

<small>[ December 25, 2002, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>