Just recently found out Wife is having an Sexual affair with a co-working paramedic {Wife is a nurse for a local air ambulance outfit}we have 3 wonderful children,.She Believe's strongly in Catholic faith
I want to work out our problems She says I wont change no matter what I say or do. Though she wants me to stay at home "for the Children" at least thru XMAS if not longer, In the Catholic faith isnt adultry deemed as a complete no-no and cause for complete divorce or Legal seperation right away? Should I not being of Catholic faith still seek help at the local Catholic diocese?
Plz help

MG,

I just lost my response to you. Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here; but you'll find the best group of wonderful people here, who know how you feel.

Please read the basic concepts here and read lots of posts. The Harley books Surviving An Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs are a great start to understanding what has happened.

I hope you and your wife give your marriage your best effort if nothing else - for your 3 beautiful children. And for you and your wife - you deserve your best efforts too. Let us know how you are doing.

BLessings CSue

<small>[ December 22, 2002, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: fid ]</small>

MG you may find a lot of help with the catholic diocese to help with your marriage. i also was brought up catholic, still practicing and i just broke off an 18 month affair after my h found out 6 weeks ago. you can get a separation right away but the catholic faith believes you are married forever. i hope you work it out. my h and I are trying to, i am sure it is a long road ahead but it will be worth it. good luck

Just wanted to say thanks for the welcome..well as it is now i can not sleep she is working a 24 hr shift 45 min away at a based Facility. Who knows he could be there, not sleeping but probably visiting. He too has a wife to contend with from what i understand..it hurts to see email allready planning to go to Jamiaca right b4 xmas of next year, not that im being a snoop but she is leaving it wide open on the Computer for me to see is it a head game? I dont know. The OM lives 10 min from where I work but im not going that route dont need fuel for the fire..Im gonna call the Diocese and see what they can do for me as for as helping me out. Hopefully I can set sumthin up and we both can go to a Prudent Priest for consoultation. hope I can make it thru the Holiday Got a big "Family Xmas eve Party" I usually have a few But ill contain Myself so I wont get to loose of lips Mother and Father "in Law" Know Also my Father and mother also. Want to keep it from the oldest for as long as possible until W decides for sure what route shes going.

Wish Me luck in Ohio

This is just a thought but it seems like your wife does not care by the fact she leaves the computer on showing she is planning a trip with the OM for a vacation. You said the OM was married. I would immediately contact the OM's wife and inform her in case she does not know.
It is the belief that when affairs are exposed they many times will die. Most of the time the OM will drop the cheating spouse if he is forced to chose between his wife and the cheating spouse. I think it may be worth a try. Good Luck.

MGoins,

I went through a similar experience 2 yrs ago. I still haven't fully recovered, and I doubt that I will. However, I love my wife and 3 kids so I will not give up. The OM was my wife's college teacher and I also found out via email messages they were sending back and forth to each other. ALL of the wonderful details of what they did were enclosed as well, so needless to say I was a little shocked. Thats what I get for being nosey. (I guess what they say about being careful of what you are looking for because you might find it are true.)

Anyway, I immediatly went to her school and tracked him down. Waited for him in his office and when he came in, I asked him to stop seeing my wife and to break off his relationship with her. Of course he tried to deny it (most people would if the girls hubby is 6'3" 250+ lbs) I pulled the e-mail from my back pocket and told him to relax. I told him that the 3 of us werent the only ones affected by their relationship, but my kids and his kids and his wife of 20+ years. To this day I still dont know how I kept my cool, but I'm glad I did. The look on his face was priceless though :-)

If you need some advice or someone to talk to you can e-mail me at tsos2@hotmail.com If I can help I'll do what I can.

The best advice I can give you now is to keep cool. Good luck and let me know if I can help.

M,
many will disagree with me in that the basic focus here at MB is to just work on the marriage when confronted with this kind of problem. and I agree...working on the marriage is something the always needs doing. however, i don't believe in accepting a situation with out taking action.

i'm sorry but people who lie and cheat must be held accountable for their acts...just as the BS who neglects the marriage, helping to cause the situation, must be held accountable.

here's the difference. you did not go outside your marriage to solve your problem...she did! and she needs to know that this is not acceptable behavior by any one's standards.

to show her how you feel about this, i would call the OM's wife and let her know about her H. i would also call the person they both work for and find out if this kind of behavior is considered appropriate in their work place.

i'm soory but accepting their behavior is just the same as condoning it...i think more of us have to stand up and say NO!

coach

Hi Mgoin,

Welcome and I am sorry.

Your discovery is very recent. I would not make any major decisions while you are going through the worst emotional experience of you life. Take time to fully compose yourself. You will have many ups and downs during this time period.

I have no advise on what you should do at this time, except, ask yourself, if she ended the A today, would I stay and work on my M?

Would you do MC with our W is she is willing? Read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley - a very good book.

Try to enjoy the holidays with your 3 beautiful children. Don't obsess about what W is doing. It will drive you crazy (voice of experience here)

Religion has nothing to do with a WS.

Contact the OM if you know where he is. Let him know things are going to get ugly if he contacts your wife one more time and he doesnt want that.

Men and Women are different, if the BS is a man it can be a dangerous combination (trust me i know) to everyone most of all your wife even after she comes to her sences.

I have read many BS's experiences and i know my own. Cut off your wifes contact with the other man. I cant even imagine my WW seeing the OM after i told her lets try to work things out.

We'll Here it is Friday 1 week 1 day since D-Day, Made it throught he Holidays with keeping in mind my wonderful 3 children and enjoying watchin them having a wonderful Xmas, While my gut was wrenching and I was terribly Hurt. The way it stands right now Ive seen an Lawyer for a consultation, right now between our finances and what weve spent on xmas I cannot afford at the present time to retain a Lawyer, The way I feel is that she should stay at the house I move out and live with folks, she says to take my weekly check and pay only Truck and Student loans and that she will take care of everything else, she makes 60 percent to My 40 percent of total income as an married couple and that I come and stay with Children when she works a 12 and 24 hour shift {Two days a week she works only where as I work 5 8-10 hr days} and that If I do that I will not need to pay child support {we live in Ohio where there is a no fault Divorce} Ive been adviced by people to Kick her out now..lock the doors..cops come she's frantic she seems Looney off she goes..I dont know If i could do that to her I love her deeply and I know the children {Like me} mean the world to her. I want to do what is Best..

Hi there,
This is just my opinion...but I strongly believe that if anyone is going to leave the house, it should be the wayward spouse. Why on earth should the cheater get to stay in the comfort of the family home, and the betrayed spouse be forced to leave and endure even more pain?? If there is going to be a split, whether it be temporary or permanent, I feel that the cheater is the one who should leave...they brought it on themselves.

I do hope you can work this out, and that you will gain some comfort and knowledge from this site.

<small>[ December 27, 2002, 11:44 PM: Message edited by: straycat ]</small>